I Lost My Best Friend Keesha Recently Options

[Zoe]

I am so sorry about your loss.Its so hard to deal with.I have just lost my little sweetheart Magic to cancer on friday.I never said good bye to her,I just smothered her with kisses and told her how much I loved her.For me,I knew she would be coming back with me,so for me goodbye seemed final and I didnt want that.I take comfort from that.Its just so,so hard isnt it.I had taken her to the vets on monday as she was bringing up bile and my wonderful vet said it may be an ulcer in her stomach.By friday I had taken her back and she had an x ray and investigated.The vet found a tumor in her intestine.There was no more he could do.I understand what you are going through,its such a horrible suffocating sadness isnt it.They are so precious arent they.Best wishes with your new companion.

Zoe

[lynette]

That is such a beautiful letter Trevor. Made me cry because I understand all too well how you feel.

We could have let Hunny live longer too and possibly with one less leg also. But I couldn't bear to see her struggle. Hunny was a very proud dog. She was so mad last year when she had to wear the e-collar for months. At times, the look in her eyes said "just shoot me now - I hate this thing". She lost two toes to cancer and the vet said if it returned her only option (if she was a candidate) was to amputate her whole leg. I know she would have hated that. And I think she would have hated us for doing that to her. Fortunately she wasn't a candidate (if you call that fortune!!!). She was overweight, older and had arthritis in her hips. We decided last year that we wouldn't start cutting anymore off of her. But we had eight extra months with her, the vet wanted to put her down last summer. And if the cancer had spread, we would have had no choice, but it hadn't. I'm so grateful for the extra time we had with her. And we cherished everyday even though it was terribly stressful - and it was. I changed bandages at least once every day for two months. Hunny hated it. She loved being outside and walking through every mud puddle and ditch there was. Try keeping a bandage clean and dry in those circumstances!!! And last summer was a very wet one. Poor Hunny, she couldn't go outside without a plastic bag on her foot. I know she absolutely hated. I'm sure she felt humiliated. When I look back at the photos that we took of her since she got sick, I can see the sadness (or pain - not sure which one - maybe both) in her eyes. I know she didn't want to go, but I think she wanted to be with Lily. I know she missed Lily so much. I think she hung on for us. She was very stubborn too.

She was on painkillers for the last month. I know she needed them, because I cut back her dosage one day (just to stretch the pills - cheap and stupid and I hate myself for being so cheap). But when I did, she started coughing and this obsessive licking. She would lick whatever she was lying on, sometimes her foot. I could never tell if she was in pain or not, but the licking made me think that she was in quite a bit despite the painkillers. So, I upped the dosage again. She never did stop the licking. The coughing stopped though. But by then she had a huge mass on her chest, so it must have spread to her lungs.

My parents had a dog die of liver cancer many years ago. Jane suffered so much in the last week. It was awful, and I promised that I would not let Hunny go through that. We had two young pups in the house and we were afraid that she might snap and hurt them if the pain became too much. I hate that this was one of the reasons we let her go, but we had to consider the welfare of Barney and Casey too, right? The tumour on Hunny's foot was wide open, it was just as if someone had sliced the side off of it. And she couldn't walk without it bleeding. That had to be painful for her. We didn't bandage it this time because that meant that she would have to wear the collar again.

I remember telling her each night for the last week or so, that Lily was waiting for her and that she could go if she wanted to. That we would miss her but we understood if she couldn't fight any longer. This part makes me feel so bad, cos obviously she didn't want to go yet. I would wake up every morning and listen for her. Sometimes, I could hear her moving around, but sometimes, it was so quiet I would get scared and get up to see if she was still with us.

It's such a terrible decision that we had to make. I hope I never have to again. I know we did the right thing by letting her go. I often wonder if we should have waited longer. My husband thinks that she would not have had a good quality of life if we'd kept her here with us. Lumps were popping up in other places. He found one on the back of her neck just a couple days before she flew to heaven. If it was a tumour, then it was probably just a matter of time before it spread to her brain. And there was no way I could watch the awful deteriation that was sure to follow. Like I said Hunny had way too much pride and dignity. I wanted her to leave with her dignity intact. She knew we loved her. I just hope that she is not mad at me for what we did. I hope that one day she will forgive me. Lily too - because we couldn't save her.

I sent Hunny to heaven with a stuffed angel bear and one for her to give to Lily when she got there. I hope Lily flew down to get her. I also tucked a little letter in one of the angels for them. Hunny was cremated with these angels, but when I get to heaven (hopefully), I hope that these angels and the letter made it to heaven with Hunny. If there was no one there to read it to them, then I will read it to them when I get there.

I know this sounds really weird and crazy. And I'm bawling my eyes out as I write all of this, but I still have a lot of healing to do yet I guess After all it's only been four months since we gave Hunny her angel wings.

Sorry to ramble on and on. I think I may have gotten off track here too.

I miss them both so much.

So, I'm sending a hug to you. I know a hug feels so good when it hurts so much.

Take care.

Lynette.

[patricia]

that was so sweet and so hard to read. you said everything im sure we would all love to say to our loved ones that have passed. may the lord surround you with his love and give you peace
patricia

[trevor]

Thanks guys for your kind words. Today was a hard day...being the 5 week mark and all. I thought it might help if I wrote a letter to Keesha...it really didn't unfortunately. Something did happen today though that did give me a boost. I took Maya to the vet for her shots....a little background info first...my parents had a dog named sasha who passed away acouple years ago. Her and Keesha were buddies, they loved playing together. Well a girl came in behind me with her two huskies and sat down beside me. I asked her the names of her dogs...she said Sasha and Keesha. My eyes must have gotten as big as silver dollars....i couldn't believe it. Was it just a coincidence or was it a sign from God that Sasha and Keesha are with him playing together once again?? I'd like to believe the latter.

Patricia, thanks the letter definitely came from my heart and it was hard for me to write with the tears streaming down my face.

Zoe, losing two of your loved ones in such a short period of time is more than unbearable. I feel your pain. Give it time it will get better. You'll never forget them and some days will be worse than others but the pain will subside little by little. Hang in there.

Lynette, I feel the same way with Keesha....It would have been very difficult if I would have had to have her leg amputated. She already had two "bad' back legs as she had surgery done on both as she tore her ACL in both legs. Plus she was starting to get arthritus in her hips. If she lost a leg there is no way she could have went on walks with me again and that would have been very difficult for her. She, like Hunny, was a proud dog and to be minus a leg plus the pain and suffering she would have endured in the next few months would have been unbearable for me to witness. Be glad you got the extra eight months with Hunny. She appreciated everything extra you had to do for her and she loved you even more for doing so. She hung on as long as she could and you did the right thing when you did it. Like me and most people you second guess all your decisions....I guess its normal to do so. Take care.

[petmum]

same comment from my other post
WOW!!!!!! trevor I truly believe this was to help you, everything happens for a reason whether we can figure it out or not.
you pick pick your jaw up now!!!!
elaine

[trevor]

same comment from my other post
WOW!!!!!! trevor I truly believe this was to help you, everything happens for a reason whether we can figure it out or not.
you pick pick your jaw up now!!!!
elaine

I know right?? What are the odds of something like that happening....it has to be more than a coincidence- I'm convinced it was a sign:)

[petmum]

as long as it left you feeling ok, then it was definately worth the suprise.
elaine

[lynette]

Thanks Trevor.

I cry so much when I visit this site and read all of the sad and wonderful comments.

I would take that as a sign.

We kinda had our own sign from Hunny. I was walking our other dogs one day about 2 1/2 weeks after Hunny had left and had commented to my daughter that we need another big dog to protect our beagles from the neighbours big guard dogs. Hunny was the protector in our family. She wasn't vicious, but just would keep others in place if she had to. Anyway, when we got back home, I mentioned this to my husband. But then, three days later while at work, a dog showed up there. Dogs often pass through here, but none ever stick around like this one did. It was 5 o'clock Friday afternoon and he was still here. He was super friendly. He looked to be a full-blood border collie. I phoned the local vet and police. Nobody had reported him missing and they wanted nothing to do with him. So, I took him home. I just couldn't leave him here all alone over the weekend. That was just cruel. So, he came home with us. We named him George. We looked for about a month for his owners, but not one person phoned. Needless to say, we kept him. He is such a sweet lovable, big baby. We believe that Hunny sent him to look after the beagles. He tends to growl and snap at Barney sometimes, but he also plays with him too. Every once in a while he makes a movement or does something that reminds us of Hunny.

I'm not really a religious person, but sometimes I wonder. Was George sent here to watch over Izzy, Barney and Casey? Did Hunny send him? I like to think so. And did Lily give up her place here so that Izzy could have a better life? Makes you wonder doesn't it? How many humans would give up their lives to give another a better life?

All though we miss our angels like crazy, these signs kinda bring a warm fuzzy feeling right?

[patricia]

wow! that was an amazing story. i certainly would take that as a sign from your little one. i think shes telling shes ok now. i believe that they are always with us, sending us signs that they are ok. sometimes mine come to me in my dreams and although i wake up crying, i feel as if they purposely came to say were ok. dont be sad anymore. youre so right lynette. they do leave us with a warm fuzzy feeling. im so glad you received your sign trevor. she knows how much you love her still and im sure shes "upstairs" smiling right about now.

youre in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

[trevor]

wow! that was an amazing story. i certainly would take that as a sign from your little one. i think shes telling shes ok now. i believe that they are always with us, sending us signs that they are ok. sometimes mine come to me in my dreams and although i wake up crying, i feel as if they purposely came to say were ok. dont be sad anymore. youre so right lynette. they do leave us with a warm fuzzy feeling. im so glad you received your sign trevor. she knows how much you love her still and im sure shes "upstairs" smiling right about now.

youre in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

Thanks Patricia, I really hope it was a sign from her telling me she's ok now.....for some reason it brought tears to my eyes when i read that sentence from you:) I really wish I could know for sure if she's happy and healthy once again and looking down watching over me.....I really try and believe that's the case. You're lucky to still have dreams about your lost one(s). I had lots the first week but none since and I pray each night I'll have a dream about her because I just want to see that pretty face and beautiful brown eyes again!!!

[trevor]

Thanks Trevor.

I cry so much when I visit this site and read all of the sad and wonderful comments.

I would take that as a sign.

We kinda had our own sign from Hunny. I was walking our other dogs one day about 2 1/2 weeks after Hunny had left and had commented to my daughter that we need another big dog to protect our beagles from the neighbours big guard dogs. Hunny was the protector in our family. She wasn't vicious, but just would keep others in place if she had to. Anyway, when we got back home, I mentioned this to my husband. But then, three days later while at work, a dog showed up there. Dogs often pass through here, but none ever stick around like this one did. It was 5 o'clock Friday afternoon and he was still here. He was super friendly. He looked to be a full-blood border collie. I phoned the local vet and police. Nobody had reported him missing and they wanted nothing to do with him. So, I took him home. I just couldn't leave him here all alone over the weekend. That was just cruel. So, he came home with us. We named him George. We looked for about a month for his owners, but not one person phoned. Needless to say, we kept him. He is such a sweet lovable, big baby. We believe that Hunny sent him to look after the beagles. He tends to growl and snap at Barney sometimes, but he also plays with him too. Every once in a while he makes a movement or does something that reminds us of Hunny.

I'm not really a religious person, but sometimes I wonder. Was George sent here to watch over Izzy, Barney and Casey? Did Hunny send him? I like to think so. And did Lily give up her place here so that Izzy could have a better life? Makes you wonder doesn't it? How many humans would give up their lives to give another a better life?

All though we miss our angels like crazy, these signs kinda bring a warm fuzzy feeling right?

Lynette, that was really great what you did for George....most people would have left him right there and not cared at all about his well-being. And I would definitely take that as a sign.....signs can be very subtle and sometimes you might not even pick up on them at first. When that girl told me the names of her dogs I was just amazed but never thought much about it at the time but after a while I got thinking about it and convinced myself that it was a sign from God or Keesha or both. Do you ever have dreams anymore about Hunny and Lily? I was just telling Patricia I had lots of them the first week or so but none since and I miss having them.....its as close to real life as I'll see her again(in this lifetime anyway) and really wish I would have some dreams about her....maybe i'm not because i'm trying to hard to have them....I don't know! Its just so hard not having her around...its like for a few days I do ok then it hits you like a ton of bricks that she's gone....ok days, bad days....part of the grieving process I guess.

[lynette]

Hi Trevor.

I've only dreamt of Hunny and Lily a couple times since they left. I used to think that they didn't come to me because they were mad at me - especially Lily - cos we couldn't save her. I still kinda think that, but sometimes I think that it's just because they've moved on and that they are now happy, healthy and just too busy to visit me. And that's ok - my only wish is that they are both happy. Even though it hurt like crazy when Hunny left, part of me felt glad because it meant that Lily wasn't alone anymore. I needed them both to be together again. There were times when they fought so much and poor Lily always came out the worse for wear, but I know they loved each other very much. Hunny was just so sad until we got Izzy. Watching a dog mourn for their sibling is very, very upsetting. She hid under the basement stairs and hardly ate.

I don't dream of them - I wish I did or maybe I do and just don't remember, but when I look off into the distance I can see them walking in the ditch side by side. They loved to trek through the field across the road and along the ditches. We live in the country so they never wore leashes (except to the vet) and they could pretty much come and go as they please. They often went next door to visit my parents dogs.

I still have Hunny's ashes on our wall unit. I can't seem to bring myself to bury them next to Lily. I keep asking myself if it's being disrespectful to Lily by not laying Hunny to rest next to her. But I don't think I can do it. I didn't "rest" until we had Hunny back home. It was two weeks before we got her ashes back. It just felt weird having her away from us for so long.

Anyway, things are getting better - slowly.

Do you ever wonder if an animal knows it's time is near? I ask that because for the few months before Lily slipped away she became almost obsessive about following my daughter everywhere. She always worshipped Carly and always followed her everywhere she went, but it just seemed that Lily became even more obsessive about being near Carly. And Lily had developed a lump on her side the previous year. It was about the size of a golf ball, firm, not hard nor soft. It didn't seem to bother her and then it went down by itself, then came back and then went down again and then we never saw it again. We never did get it checked out - maybe we should have - maybe it was a cancer and it moved inside her body and maybe that's what actullay killed her that day. I guess we'll never know. She seemed to be fit right to the very end. So, I've always wondered if they have a sixth sense about their timing running out.

Anyway, I'm gonna change the subject - that kinda freaks me out a bit - cos if I'd known her time was near I would have loved her even more than I did - if that was even possible. At least we had no regrets with Hunny, apart fromt he fact that we couldn't cure her, and I'm so grateful for the extra time we had with her (even though that time was sad cos we knew the end was closing in on herJ).

I'm rambling. Sorry.

I hope today finds you better.

[patricia]

I pray each night I'll have a dream about her because I just want to see that pretty face and beautiful brown eyes again!!!

trevor, if you believe it then its true. have no doubts. sometimes its hard to comprehend that because we are still grieving and trying to not feel guilty. we are left behind, drowning, and we struggle to stay afloat. but our wonderful furbabies are ok now. they no longer have to deal with the discomforts they felt during their last days. keesha was such a happy one while here with you, and of course she is happy "upstairs" watching you. hold on to this trevor. this will carry you thru on your darkest days. and when you least expect it you will dream of little keesha. you will see her face again. i dont immediately have dreams about them when they go. they come in time.
our pets are put here to teach us so much. they do not understand anything of what we have to deal with on a daily basis. they just know how to love. thats it! so where would they go after they pass but back home with their maker. that is their reward. i also believe that when they return, the big man upstairs is joyful. keesha is there now most likely chasing my fred and riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone.
trevor, my heart breaks for you. i can feel the love you had for keesha. what a blessing you both were to each other.
believe that shes ok now.
youre in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia

[trevor]

Patricia and Lynette, thanks. You've both been very helpful during this difficult time. The weekends seem to be the hardest....too much free time to just think. Right about now Keesha, my wife and I would be heading out to get something to eat and get groceries....that was our friday routine and Keesha always knew when it was grocery night....I have no idea how but they just have a way of knowing things that you wouldn't think they should. Now that we have the new pup she goes by herself and I stay at home with the pup as we just don't dare leave her in the truck by herself yet. Small things like that really get to me.

"keesha is there now most likely chasing my Fred and Riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone." I sure hope you're right Patricia. I do try to think positive like that but its still so hard not having her around. I still think she would have preferred to come home with us and deal with the pain than to leave us for a better place. She was a tough girl and would have been willing to deal with the suffering to be with her family. I do know though that wouldn't have been the right decision.

"I used to think they didn't come to me because they were mad at me." That's what I've been thinking lately....is she mad at me because I wasn't with her in the end? Is she mad because I didn't bring her home?

"Do you ever wonder if an animal knows its time is near?" I think they do know....or i hope they know. After Keesha broke her leg on that Sunday night and I couldn't get her into surgery immediately I had to consider putting her down on tuesday morning. She was in so much pain. I was going to go see my vet and ask her if she could do it now. I told Keesha before I went over that your pain was going to end today....I won't let you suffer anymore. She perked up a little and licked my face. My vet talked me out of it and was able to find someone to do the surgery. As we driving that 4 hour ride she was laying down but had her head perked up the whole time watching me drive. I was so proud of her knowing how much pain she was in...she was in such good spirits. Once we got there waiting for them to come out and get her we sat on the back of the van. She plopped down beside me and laid her head on my lap for about ten minutes looking up at me occasionally with those beautiful brown eyes. I think she might have known something.....I think she might have been saying good-bye to me. I don't know for sure obviously but maybe they do have that sixth sense and know when their time is up. The technician took her from there and that was the last time I saw her. I'll never forget that moment.

[petmum]

I believe animals know, how else cld u explain my Buddy's 2 last visit's to the vets.
He never liked going & always pulled away from the door & when we got in he wld sit right @ the door wanting to go out, he didn't want to go into the examining room & always pulled on his leash trying to get out the door.
Not so on the his last 2 visits.
His last visit he walked straight up to the front door of the vets, went in sat down & waited, walked straight in to the exam room & sat.
Animals are amazing!!!!
elaine

[trevor]

Elaine, I think you're right.....it sure seemed like Buddy knew what was going on. As sad as that is. I think Keesh might have known as well. I kind of hope she did and hope she realizes we did what we did because we loved her so much and didn't want to see her suffer any more. Sounds like Buddy hated going to the vet as much as Keesha:)

[petmum]

you are in my prayers Trevor.
elaine

[Zoe]

Thankyou for your words of comfort.I hope things get a little easier for you over time.Its very hard isnt it.Take care.

Zoe

[patricia]

[quote name='trevor' date='Aug 7 2009, 02:54 PM' post='52166']


"keesha is there now most likely chasing my Fred and Riley. her legs are fine and her arthritis is all gone." I sure hope you're right Patricia. I do try to think positive like that but its still so hard not having her around. I still think she would have preferred to come home with us and deal with the pain than to leave us for a better place. She was a tough girl and would have been willing to deal with the suffering to be with her family. I do know though that wouldn't have been the right decision.

"I used to think they didn't come to me because they were mad at me." That's what I've been thinking lately....is she mad at me because I wasn't with her in the end? Is she mad because I didn't bring her home?



i know its so hard not to have her around. i miss mine every single day of the year. yes and i know weekends are the hardest. too much time to think right? your right, i think keesha would have come home with you in a heartbeat. they are so brave. but i think you made the right decision out of your love for her. and i dont doubt she knows that. and i can tell you 100% that keesha's not mad at you. they are not capable of having that emotion. they are born all love. thats the beauty of it all. they love us deeply till their last breathe. let go of that guilt trevor. i know its easier said than done but just remember that sometimes we project our own feelings on to them, because thats how we would feel. but we have to remember that they jus know how to love us. thats it. forgive yourself. thats what she would want for you....

you are in my thoughts and prayers. how is the new little one doing?

[trevor]

Thanks a lot Patricia. You're probably right about Keesha not being mad at me. I can't remember once where she actually got mad at me. I guess I just feel so guilty for not being able to be with her and hug and kiss her one last time. When the tech took her from the van that day I didn't even get a chance to say anything to her or kiss her or anything. It just happened so fast. And of course we never expected that to be the last time we'd ever see her. It kind of makes me angry now that he grabbed her and went with her so quickly. I know there is nothing I can do about it now and I am trying to not feel so guilty about it but I think its just something that will bother me the rest of my life.

As for the puppy she is doing pretty well....I forgot how much work they are and how easily they tire you out:) I try not to compare her to Keesha but its hard sometimes. And of course you fight with the guilt of getting a pet so quickly......I was really hoping that she'd help me take my mind off Keesha but that hasn't been the case....but overall things are going well with her.