I Did Nothing. Options

[greenie]

Thank you all so very much. Your words have helped me feel a little better. I'm starting to realize that it wasn't my fault I didn't know how bad she was. However, I still blame myself for a lot of things. She was scared and suffering, and she needed me and i failed her. I can only imagine the terror she felt. I still have many regrets. I wish so bad I could tell her how sorry I am. I'm not the type of person who believes that animals go to a better place, or that they know we loved them. I wish I could have that faith..but i just can't be sure about it all. If I were Gingee, and I felt I was being ignored and I was in serious danger...I would feel sad and neglected. I can't believe I let my baby feel that away. I didn't protect her.

I just miss her so much and I can't believe this has happened!! I want to hug her and tell her I am sorry!

[hope2heal]

I wish so bad I could tell her how sorry I am. I'm not the type of person who believes that animals go to a better place, or that they know we loved them. I wish I could have that faith..but i just can't be sure about it all. If I were Gingee, and I felt I was being ignored and I was in serious danger...I would feel sad and neglected. I can't believe I let my baby feel that away. I didn't protect her.

I just miss her so much and I can't believe this has happened!! I want to hug her and tell her I am sorry!

Dear greenie,

Even though I knew I was going to be euthanizing my dog and told her I was sorry she was so sick and to forgive me if had or had not done something to cause her this suffering, I STILL find I "talk" to her sometimes and tell her and God I'm sorry and to forgive me. I miss her so much; sometimes I just want to move out of this house because it is so empty without her. I was always so up on her medical care and it seems like I failed her terribly in her last couple months of life. When I look back, my actions just didn't make any sense to me. (If you want, read my post--scroll WAY down: Anyone Ever Delayed Vet Care?....Guilt is horrible..

Just one more quick thing: It's okay to have faith (if you want)...even if it's just a little...and still not be sure about it. Faith involves taking a risk... It's normal (and human) to not "be sure about it all..."

Wishing you peace,
hope2heal

[phoebekitty]

Dear Greenie,

It is so wonderful that there are many caring people out there to speak to you. I don't have any special healing words, even though my child pased at the same time. But I do know that you are not at fault in any way. Sweet Missy is right about forgiving ourselves. We can not hear the words from our special friends saying, "I forgive you." I see in your words a person who did recognize that Gingee needed you, and you stayed home, and that being the loving parent, you did care for her during her life to the end. Please allow yourself a little time to get past this, and keep reading. This place offers a helping hand, a lifeline. Please take care of yourself!

[hope2heal]

Hello again greenie,

I just wanted to add--and to agree with phoebekitty--that you DIDN'T fail Gingee. You nor your boyfriend actually knew what was going on, the vet misdiagnosed, and, you STAYED there with her...that counts for something.

hope2heal

[greenie]

Thank you again guys, thank you so much! jack..do you know the author of that book?

I have to admit I don't feel much better today. If anything the reality just sinks in more and more. I don't know if I am going to get better soon. All I want is Gingee back! I'm trapped in a nightmare. I just don't deal with loss well...I find comfort in very little right now.

I want to find a locket or something I can put her ashes in, and wear as a necklace. I know some people find that unnerving, but not to me. I also want to make a pink candle to set on her shelf (where her urn will go) and burn once a month, just for her. I just really hope that I can find solace in something...I feel so distraught.

[greenie]

Gingee is the little blonde one. Sorry for the grainy picture...I was not really restraining them! We were all snuggling and Adam snapped a pic with his phone. Probably about 6 moths ago.

[sissycat]

What a sweet picture. Both very cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[greenie]

She is so so cute. I miss her little wiry furry bratty self!!

The other dog's name is Haley. They were companions for years. However, my boyfriend says she is doing ok..as if nothing is different.

I still feel like I am trapped in a nightmare. I wish I would just wake up, and be able to hug Gingee again. I knwo I sound like a broken record..but it's how I feel.

[Magesmumma]

My sincerest sympathy to you Greenie on the loss of Gingee. Everyone has captured just about anything that can be said. We all feel the devastation, the guilt, the emptiness. It is 15 1/2 weeks since my boy left and I cry just about every day, many times. I too just want him back here beside me, watching over me, curled on the desk as I type on the keyboard, as in my avatar. They just have this magic these beautiful ones that draws us into their being - and then we are trapped by their love, their trust, their beauty and it is because of this that we want to do everything, anything to help them. And it is agony when we can't, and we feel we have indeed failed them.

As said by others, not much will ease your own pain, it can't, it is your journey, but we are not alone in how we feel for our beautiful ones. (And I write this through tears, as so many do here.)

Take things really easy right now and may you find some comfort in the arms of your boyfriend and hopefully feel the joyful presence of Gingee together.

Wendi.

[greenie]

Something happened this weekend. I knew it was going to be tough being at Adam's house..my first weekend there without Gingee. The empty areas were blindingly obvious. My mom and I had plans for a day outing on Sunday. She came over to Adam's to pick me up. Before i go any further, I want to share another picture of Gingee with you.



Not the best, but unfortunately I don't have access to any wonderful pics of her..most are cell phone pictures.

Anyways, gettin up and getting ready that Sunday morning was tough. My mom arrived and as usual, had a bag full of stuff to "give" to me (don't parents sometiems love to pawn their "junk" off onto their kids!) One of the items she pulled out of the bag was a book. It was a book she had given to my sister in 1991. My sister moved to England years ago, and had to leave some things behind. Here's the cover of the book..



I immediately choked up. I could not believe what I was seeing. I have never heard of this book or seen it in my life. It's a book about a dog named "Ginger", a little white/blonde terrier, who falls asleep one day and goes to the moon to play with "Rabbit" and eat cake. The illustrations are whimsical and colorful. The story is beautiful, playful and innocent.

I've always been a "celestial" person. My interests are geared towards planets and their whimsical meanings, than Heaven or more traditional beliefs.

It was my dads birthday on Sunday. He died 5 years ago, and would have been 76 years old.

I will post more pics of the book if I can....

[greenie]

I also made a necklace. I picked up a locket, a chain an some beads from Michael's, and made a simple locket necklace with a little of Gingee's fur inside. I know this seems creepy to some, but it helps me immensely to feel more connected to her.

[Candy's Dad]

Dear Greenie,

Sorry for chiming in so late, but I was away for a bit. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am at your lost. I understand that there are no words I can think of that will ease your pain other than I know what you are going through as well as the guilt of wishin you could have done more for your baby. At the end of day, we are still left without our babies and for that, I'm truly sorry.

Know the pain will ease a bit, but not for awhile. I lost my Candy about 6 months ago, and even though I just got a set of new puppies this weekend, the pain from my loss of Candy is still great and I know I will always miss her dearly and no puppies could ever replace her.

Please take care and know we understand the depth of your pain. We feel it too.

Hugz and God bless you.

Candy's Dad
Hal

[greenie]

Thank you so much.

After the weekends events, I do feel much better. After recieving that book, my perspective on things has changed a bit..

[LoveThem]

you said: I also made a necklace. I picked up a locket, a chain an some beads from Michael's, and made a simple locket necklace with a little of Gingee's fur inside. I know this seems creepy to some, but it helps me immensely to feel more connected to her.

I can't imagine anyone thinking "creepy" at all. "normal to do", yes.. creepy...no.

I got a air-tight ziplock bag and in it I put 2 of my boy's favorite toys...a tennis ball and a small rainbow ball, along with some of his fur. It is put away in my dresser drawer. In fact, I did the same thing for his sister and his twin brother who I lost before him. There are times looking at pictures is not enough and so this was my only way of keeping something physical...for a
physical connection. And so, when I cannot hug him anymore, I take out his bag and move his fur between my fingers. It is as soft as it was on him...it seems odd the fur feels so alive. But I also feel a connection touching it and having it....a real physical connection.

The best things we can always do is what makes us feel better to do...what helps us. Doing that is never anything but a normal way of helping ourselves.

I'm so glad you do have some of Gingee's fur. I only thought of keeping that with my 3 cats who were siblings. The best friends, mostly dogs, I had before that...I never thought of keeping their fur. But I always have kept everything else...food dishes...collars...leashes, etc etc. I find a comfort knowing not everything connected to them is gone forever.

That book is amazing. Usually something like finding that can be thought of as a sign of "contact" from our precious one.

Hugs and keep going one day at a time.....it all takes time but we do have happy healthy memories that help us deal with the sadness.

They are never gone because they are and have always been...a part of our heart. That's one place they will never ever leave.

Judy

[sissycat]

The book had to be a sign!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Magesmumma]

The book is amazing! And to think this was Sunday - your Dad's birthday - like Gingee has discovered your Dad, and your Dad tapped your Mum on the shoulder and prompted her about the book. The Universe can be incredible.

Oh, and on the 'creepy' note - as Judy mentioned nothing is creepy here, and it is what makes you feel comforted. I still have all my boys toys, houses, cushions and everything around the house. Over 3 years ago when I started this job I'm sort of still in, I bought a heart locket and put a bit of Mage's hair inside and wore it each day to work while he was at home, to remind me why I was going to this job - that it was for us. Now that locket only comes off when I wash, and I kiss it regularly.

Wendi.

[greenie]

Thank you all so much.

I guess the fur isn't that creepy. I had originally wanted to keep a tiny bag of her ashes inside the locket. Adam's family said that was creepy. His mom gets creeped out when people keep urns around and stuff. I still want to keep some of her ashes inside the locket...we just don't have them back yet...

The book helped me immensely. I still feel guilty. I am convinced that I failed her, and I honestyl don't think I can forigve myself anytime soon. All I can do is wear the locket daily, and think of the book. Adam said he will get anotehr dog someday, but I just can't even imagine doing that. It upsets me a little. Gingee deserved better than what we did for her, and to get another pet is disrespectful. I know that it's normal to do this...I have done it after my cats died...but in this case, I feel I owe Gingee a lot more than that.

[ann]

I think that book entering your life is sign from Gingee, to let you know you did not fail her and she is happy "over the moon"(and r.b.bridge)..I wear 2 lockecks myself, one with ashes in it and one with fur. So your not silly an besides only you have to know what's in it. When these funny little strange things happen I often think it's our furbabies telling us we don't have to wear them or kiss their picture.,etc just that they are always close to us. As for getting another dog. You will know when the time is right. It will be one day..Hugs.. Ann

[hope2heal]

Oh greenie,

What a find! Such a beautiful book! What a gift!

Also the photos of Gingee and the other dog are precious. I can see why you love her (and the other) so much. Each animal is special in their own way.

Hope you are doing well.

hope2heal