The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[LoveThem]

I see your avatar and your boy is beautiful. I am so sorry about your loss. My 3 babies also came to me in 1991. they were born in my back yard....twin boys and a girl. I have pictures of them in Tributes Section.

In Sept of 07 I lost my last boy.....16 1/2 years old in the ER...he is my avatar. I understand completely your pain and it is so normal to feel devastated.

I just cried and cried for days and still the tears can flow anytime. It is a tremendous feeling of loss.

Magion looks like he is black and white..my 3 were all black kitties. What a wonderful life we had. I put pictures of mine in every room so when I enter or leave a room I can look into their eyes and there feels like a communication there.

My Little Guy (my avatar) is also my computer desktop wallpaper so when I turn on my computer he is looking at me and when I turn it off, I tell him goodnight, knowing I will see him the next time I turn it on..that is one place he will always be.

This is a good place to share your thoughts and feelings.

When you speak of your pain....it reminds me of my favorite saying a Mom here once said:
The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

I find strength in that simple sentence. I cherish the years I had and while I also miss my boys and girl tremendously, I would again make them a part of my home and heart...even knowing there will be a day they will be gone and from having had others previously..I know what that pain is like.

Hugs and peace and come here and talk as you feel like it.

Judy

[Magesmumma]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I like the idea of having him as my desktop wallpaper, I did have a photo come up automatically at one stage but I changed computers I think. I can spend this much time on a computer now only because he is not here to stop me and it doesn't feel right.
He was and is the love of my life. We travelled interstate together, flying back from Queensland to Victoria every school holidays and travelling to South Australia by car; he'd even travelled by train! He was incredible - he'd love driving in the car, sitting on my lap and ask for the window to be down with his left hand and then put his head out the window just far enough to feel the wind blow his ears back. He would visit my Dad when he lived in residential care and was very popular. Very canine in many ways. Then in July 2004 he was diagnosed with Lymphosarcoma. After surgery within two days of diagnosis, he embarked on what was to be 6 months of chemotherapy. In his general laid back way he took it all in his stride and the nurses and specialists sung his praises - he really was amazing. But near the last round of chemo he was losing weight and this was attributed to the chemo, so it was stopped. However, he didn't put the weight back on and it was then discovered, after a few blood tests, that he had kidney disease. With great turmoil I put him on medication and he gained weight and stabilised. Every morning he enjoyed taking his tablet being the palatable version. So we went along for over 3 1/2 years.
He only went outside with me then, for going out was one of his joys and I couldn't stop him from doing that - so out we would go, morning and night for a walk and play and so forth. Even if I opened the door and nipped to another room to get something, he would come and find me, wowing at me, asking 'where have you gone?' He rarely went out without me.
He was losing weight gradually over the last 12 months but in every other way was fine. But in mid July he became unstable on his back legs. I hoped against all hope that he would get through this yet not knowing if he would. We were back with specialists and having extra fluid, and all sorts of things. Another blood test, which he had come to detest after all the chemo and associated blood tests, revealed he was anaemic. We thought there was some time before he needed a transfusion but his red blood cell count it seemed dropped quickly, which the specialist it would seem had not expected. The day before he went, we spent the day in hospital with him having IV fluid and some injections and came home to rest. We went to bed late and he woke me at 2:30 am. I noticed then that he seemed to be dazed; I thought he was having some sort of reaction to the medication and I tried to ring the specialist but couldn't get hold of him. Eventually I took him to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open. When the specialist arrived he said he needed blood. However, Magion started to have some sort of fit, the specialist saying that he was arresting. I held him close and kept talking to him. He came through this but after a few moments started to have seizures. The specialist thought that it would take too long to get the blood, that he would go before then. We went into another room as coming home was not an option as he needed oxygen and I couldn't take that from him. So I kept singing his songs, (songs I had come up with for him when he was on chemo to cheer him up). There he had more seizures in my arms and it was painful, sheer agony to not be able to do anything for him. I was told he wasn't in any pain and that the seizures were much like a person with epilepsy, hard to watch but the individual has no awareness or pain. I still begged them to help him, to do something to make him well and I cried to the Universe, to the greater Essence. The seizures stopped and he gave a little flicker of his paws as he did when he was sleeping and I felt a tingle run down his body and he took one last breath. I had said to him to find Poppa, my Dad (who passed away in 2002) and a few days after his passing I felt the Essences of my Dad and Magion together - as individuals but at the same time united. I miss my boy so much, yet I know in my heart he is with my Dad. It just doesn't ease the emptiness, the loneliness I feel without him.
You are right - I am indeed blessed for having known him, for him having chosen me, he gave me such joy. The pain now is a reflection of all these years we shared.

I've attached a photo of Mage taken around September last year as he was enjoying looking out the window in his room from his beanbag.
Wendi.

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[toonie]

a few days after his passing I felt the Essences of my Dad and Magion together - as individuals but at the same time united

How beautiful what you have told us here. Death is just for the living, for those we mourn it doesn't happen, it's only a passing of one state to another, it's wonderful that you were able to feel, that they have loved you enough to communicate their essence to you. Know that at the worst of times you have to go through, they will be there for you, but only when you need them the most. Still a very hard journey ahead of you , I offer you my most sincere sympathies, so much love and so much time loving, it is very hard to let go of so much, no matter how much joy is reserved for later, for now, these are trying times for you.
I am so glad that you found comfort here, do take care, we care.

[Steve K.]

What a beautiful cat. I am so very sorry for your loss. You can be sure that Mage found your dad and that they are together just waiting for you to arrive. I lost my Furfee cat (17 years old) to old age last year and I lost my Woody dog (4 years old) to a car in September of this year. I can say that your pain will subside but it will never go away completely. I know that because I lost my Beau dog (14 years old) 10 years ago and I still have moments when tears come when I think of him. I believe that they take a piece of our hearts with them when they go and that is why we always remember them. All of our furry children are special and can never be replaced. But, having said that there is always another one that needs a home when you are ready. It took me two years to get another dog after I lost Beau. It only took one day to get another cat after we lost Furfee because we found a four week old kitten in the woods across the street from our house and he must have wandered away from his mother. He was screaming because he was very hungry so we took him in and he is still here. We had to hand feed him with kitten formula around the clock for a few weeks but we souldn't let him die in the woods. I like to think that Furfee sent him to us. We named him Karma for obvious reasons. I'm sorry to ramble on but I just wanted you to know that there is always another when you are ready. Post here often and the wonderful people here will give you comfort and they (we) really do care.

Best wishes,

Steve

[moon_beam]

Hi, Wendi, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Magion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the cir%%stances or how long we have been blessed with the gift of their presence. It has been almost 2 years since my number one kitty son Eli died of end stage Lymphoma at 6 years and 7 months. He was my "challenge child" and my special needs child. He had severe personality disorder which required him to be on a low maintenance dose of Valium - - sort of like human Schizophrenia - - so that the "noises" in his brain would not overwhelm him and so that he did not look at me and his home as the "enemy." Once the Valium took effect he was able to lead a very normal kitty life, and his world greatly improved when I adopted a brother and sister kitty team when he was 3 years old. My Eli and Noah became the best of friends, and Eli seemed more content. He always loved his big doggie brother, Oslo (Black Lab) - - who actually alerted me to Eli being trapped in the drainage pipe at the end of our street. It took almost 2 hours to rescue Eli, and from that point forward, Eli considered his big doggie brother to be the "Cat's Meow." My Noah still misses his big kitty brother so very much, as do I and Oslo, but we know Eli is now healed and playing with the angels - - free of his previously deterioriating physical body - - and is patiently waiting for us to join him in eternal joy at our appropriate times. You mentioned that you were seeing several grief counselors, but my question is: Are they aware that the grief of a companion animal is the same as, if not worse than, the loss of a human family member or friend? And also, you shared your Magion with your dad, and now that Magion is with him, losing Magion may be resurrecting your grief feelings for your dad. Clinical studies have proven that the loss of a beloved companion who has been shared with a deceased human loved one will be compounded by the two losses. Grief counseling for the loss of a beloved companion is new to the counseling field, and not every counselor is trained in it - - nor does every counselor believe in it. I live in the United States and have always been fascinated by Australia and New Zealand - - financial constraints and other limitations do not permit me to personally travel there. I smile as I read your travels with your beloved Magion. What a wonderful life of adventure and love you shared!! This grief journey is a very difficult one with so many twists and turns and highs and lows and ups and downs - - and for the most part of the healing journey it seems like all the days are lows and downs. I am so glad you have found us here at Lightning Strike for each of us do understand the many different feelings you are having. When my Eli joined the angels I slept with his collar under my pillow and would hold one of his blankets close to me when the physical pain of not being able to hold him became too horrible to bear. And my Noah slept on Eli's big comforter where he could snuggle down into Eli's scent. It has just been over the last few months that Noah has been coming to me at night to snuggle with me - - he abandoned Eli's comforter - - so I knew it was okay to finally wash it and re-use it. You see, Wendi, this grief journey is both physical and emotional, so you need to find some way to lessen the physical pain of separation from your precious Magion. Clinical studies show that the first year post-loss is very difficult both physically and emotionally, and the "threat" of the surviving person also dying during that first year is significantly increased. This is particularly true of elderly people who have lost their spouses, and those who are the only humans in their household after the loss of a beloved companion. For the latter there is no age limit on this "threat", but clinical studies show that the older the person is the higher the first year "threat" is. So, you see, Wendi, what you are feeling is very normal in your grief. Knowing this, of course, does not lessen the pain that is in your heart and soul and body not having your precious Magion physically with you. But once this awful painful grief lessens hopefully you will be able to embrace Magion's sweet living Spirit that is still with you and always will be with you wherever you go, whatever you do, and even if you should come to embrace the love and life of another companion. Your life together with Magion has now just temporarily transformed to a different dimension through time and space - - and nothing and no one can ever take this away from you. Wendi, I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be of some comfort and encouragement to you. Just hang in here with us - - for each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us; you are among friends here. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[LuvLabs]

Wendi, thank you for sharing your story with us in regards to your precious Magion. I love the picture that you posted. He was a very handsome cat, and he looks like a king perched on his thone. I am so sorry to hear that it was his time to leave this earth. Please be comforted just knowing, that you provided him with the best life possible. How lucky you both were to be able to travel together, and to share so many happy memories. The happy memories will pull you through the difficult times now. In time your tears will turn to smiles. You will look at his picture, and feel the incredible love and strength that he had. We all know the pain you are feeling all too well. But through sharing your story, I believe you will find both comfort and hope.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you all for your words of support. Yes, you have all been there and do know the pain. Thank you LuvLabs - my boy was indeed handsome, a number of years ago I submitted photos of him to a TV advertising company for an upcoming catfood add. He was chosen and a woman came round and took more photos of him and said that she would return with a film crew. At that time Mage didn't like a lot of people around him and I said he'd be fine as long as there were only about 3. Five people turned up and wanted him to do things he hadn't done before, needless to say under the gate he went and over next door into the bushes, where he could be seen but not retrieved! When the add aired on TV I knew Mage would not have approved of how they represented felines, so I believed he had integrity! He did receive $200 for being chosen to appear in the add, if he had gone through with it he would have earnt another $200.
Sometimes I look at his photos and it's like I can touch him, feel him - it is amazing and so comforting. I love it when he comes to me in my dreams and we get to cuddle and play.

moon_beam - thank you - you have indeed been through tremendous loss yourself and your other children. It sounds like you all turn to each other for comfort and yet have your individual things to do. I sleep with some of Mage's toys to cuddle, it's nice. And I have a couple of photos by me too.

Are they aware that the grief of a companion animal is the same as, if not worse than, the loss of a human family member or friend? And also, you shared your Magion with your dad, and now that Magion is with him, losing Magion may be resurrecting your grief feelings for your dad.

Regarding your questions, I was actually referred to a Grief and Bereavement association by the Animal Emergency centre when I started going into shock, a bit after Magion's passing. I didn't know this place existed as no-one had mentioned it to me after my Dad went and it existed then. This centre has counsellors available for anyone who has experienced a loss of any individual and my specific counsellor associates personally with my loss as she herself lost her boy - canine - earlier this year. I am fortunate to have her. I have also attended a grief and loss support group and am now going to another programme at the same centre, once again for people who have experienced any loss and my loss of Magion is upheld with that of others. The centre I go to also conducted a Memorial Service a week or so ago and I took a photo of Mage along to be placed on the altar. He was the only feline person there amongst many human persons and I was honoured that he held that place as he did indeed see himself as a person. He was respected by all present as people shared there own stories of loss of human friends and family members and we lit candles in their memory as their names were read out. I lit candles for my Mum, for Dad and for Magion. I am finding people who understand, as I know many do not.

In grieving for Mage, the human person I have wanted to go to is my Dad. He would have understood as he knew Mage well. Dad would have cried with me, held me, looked after me, made me a cuppa. Dad was with me when my other boy, Bakkus, who I met at the same time as Mage and the two of them came home to live with me, when he passed on. Dad and Mage came with me to the vet where Bakks was, and we all stayed together outside under a tree as Bakkus lay on my stomach and chest (as I was lying down), and I stroked and talked to him as he passed over. Dad stayed with me all day, he drove us back to his place as we were staying there for the weekend and we eventually buried Bakkus under a tree in the orchard where he liked to frolick. Dad knelt with me at the grave site and we both cried. Yes, Magion's passing has raised feelings over my Dad. My Dad passed away in 2002 and I was still feeling that gap in my life and depressed when Magion got sick in 2004. I was so afraid for Mage at the time and it was that I needed to be there for Mage that I was drawn out of what I was feeling over Dad still. I do miss my Dad incredibly.

I do believe that it is a transformation and I do feel Mage around at times and that is amazing. And I know I need to hold onto those times. It's all those little things associated with his presence that I miss. And I write to him everyday, tell him my thoughts and feelings and I try to maintain the routine he established for us and go outside in the morning and sit on the terrace and again at night. If I don't do those things it feels strange - too strange. Like now - it's 9:20 am and I should have had my shower and gone outside but instead I came to the computer - now if I did that with Mage here he would be telling me off by now - because it's time to go out!

Thank you Steve for your words and kindness. I have taken along time in the past to be ready to take on board the responsibility again of another being. Usually about 3 years and even though I was ready at around 3 years after Fee Fee disappeared it didn't come about due to cir%%stances for 5 years. I didn't get another after Bakkus passed on as I didn't want another but I did ask Mage's doctor whether he thought Mage needed a companion - I didn't want a feline but I thought maybe a rabbit - thinking Mage might eat the rabbit which wouldn't be good - but his doctor said no, that Mage thought he was a person and that he needed more people around. When Bakkus went I did let Mage see him, Mage was only 2 1/2 at the time, but he didn't understand and it wasn't until we got back to Melbourne that Mage started to look for Bakks and looked at me as if to say "What have you done with him?" Bakkus was the older dominate feline and Mage would follow innocently along. He would belt up Bakks and I remember on one occasion telling Bakkus - "you can hit back you know." And at that very moment Bakkus turned and gave Mage a swat. After Bakkus went I knew I had to be there for Mage and everything changed and Mage just took on the world.

Thank you toonie for your words. They are indeed very trying times.

I did a photography course in February this year and Magion was my model. I've attached one of the photos from one of our sessions.

Thank you everyone for your understanding and support.

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[LoveThem]

Absolutely beautiful picture............it really took my breath away. So gorgeous. Yes, one feels one could reach in there and pick him up and hug him.

Beautiful boy! Beautiful Angel....never can leave your heart....

[ann]

I am so sorry for your loss of Magion. So beautiful. Yes, the empitness is the hardest I think. I've surrounded myself with photos of my Arthur. It doesn't feel like he left. But when I see or should say don't see all his "stuff" lying around the house, that's when it really hurts. So I truely do understand. You were very lucky to have shared a long friendship together. Hugs.. Ann

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Ann. I have left everything everywhere. There is no reason to pack anything up and I agree entirely with what you say - to not

see all his "stuff" lying around the house, that's when it really hurts.

. I can't put his stuff away - his tower that goes to the ceiling is in the lounge with numerous houses and cushions around, he had his own room with towers and my old single bed and cushions and tents - there is a pic of him on his bean bag in his room up above. He had things everywhere. It's hard to see things without him though - I expect he will walk out from somewhere and jump up on the couch for a cuddle and snuggle. I was blessed that we were together so long, he taught me so much - we grew very close over those years, it is indeed so very strange now without his presence. I have never been so privileged before with a feline companion, and Magion brought out an entirely different part of me.

Thanks for the hug - I can use those.

Wendi.

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[Magesmumma]

Thank you Joanne. I too haven't washed the clothes I wore that day - I don't want to, his smell, his being, the last time we were together, all those things. The world is not the same without him, it's like the song says, 'why does the world go on turning etc, etc.' It is like the end of the world - and the sun shining makes no real sense. It's hard too as it is Spring and the sun is warm and Mage and I loved being in the warm together.

I was reading your thread last night as my boy had CRF - diagnosed February 2005. When he became really unwell mid July this year, I too was extremely angry with his doctor. A man we had known for many years, as he worked for Mage's original doctor in the same practice. Since then he had moved to another practice and when Mage became sick in July 2004, we went to him as he was local and Maurice was away. Paul found a lump and Mage had tests and ultrasounds the next day and was in surgery the day after. It was Lymphosarcoma and he then went on to have 5 months of chemotherapy. After his chemo - which was cut short because he was losing weight - put down to the chemo but found to be kidney problems and because of the very quick on set of the cancer - he had had an xray one month before by his usual doctor Maurice for potential arthritis and a thorough examination and nothing was picked up - I was angry then too - I ended up taking Mage to Paul every two weeks for a check up. I trusted Paul even though at times I felt he wasn't doing enough - but I didn't change doctors. When Mage became sick this year and by cir%%stance I ended up at another surgery where Mage was prescribed subq fluid, Larabolin, multi B vitamins and other things I became really angry with Paul for not offering these things sooner. He knew Mage was losing weight gradually and watched him do so for over 12 months. Every now and then I feel less angry until something stirs it up again. This new place we found - we had been there once before, but I remember thinking that I was glad we were going to this new place - it was a nicer environment and a really caring doctor, however, this doctor went behind my back to get Mage's records from Paul (not that I would have stopped this, but nice to be consulted) and when I queried this action with the nurse I was contacted by the doctor who told me he could no longer meet our needs if I was going to act this way with the staff. Basically he dumped us because I was upset by his actions. I thought an apology would have been more appropriate.
In the end through alot of different events we ended up back at the specialists - one of his original Oncologists and again I was pleased we were back with him as he offered all sorts of things. Yet in the end he too let us down. I have been so angry and guilt ridden over all manner of things not to mention the care I tried to get for him. So I have some appreciation of your angst.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Take care too.

Wendi.

[LoveThem]

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.


I love the story of your first meeting (by the way, my Little Guy was born to a feral mom in my back yard in May of 1991...I have seen that year mentioned more than once in this forum).

What you said at the end above made me think of:

No..he has not unwrapped you.....he has simply wrapped himself around your heart..a place where there is no unwrapping.....ever. It is a "forever" place to be.

Hugs,
Judy

[AngelCareOne]

Wendi, I am so very sorry for your loss and that it took me so long to get here. I have read all you've shared and can feel your devastation, grief and loneliness. My deepest condolences. When I lost Cocoa kitty 12 years ago, I also went to counseling to help cope with the grief but they weren't really professionals and it didn't do much for me. I'm sure they tried their best, they care and their hearts are certainly in the right place. Sometimes people need to seek a one on one type of counseling which is what I do now regarding my current loss which happened 10/16/07.

Oh, I'm so much better now but at first I see so much of me in all you've shared. I sure do. Gosh knows it takes time as well as sharing with those who understand and can empathize. Just don't talk about it with my brother because he loves to do his philosophizing about the "Letting Go" stuff. I wanna smack him silly and it's on my "To Do" list. So many out there will sympathize for a short time then wonder why, after a week or two, that you're not feeling all better about having lost your fur kid. We've all experienced that, me thinks. People here at LS do understand, have been there or are there right now. And, it is by sharing and caring that gets us though this most gosh awful difficult time.

The photos you posted of your precious fur kid Mage are so wonderful. What a beautiful kitty! I hope you don't mind that I took each one to a program, did some enhancements and applied several different types of frames. I did "grab" exact fur colors from Mage's fur to enhance in and around his eyes in two of the photos. Here are the URL links for you to click and pull up each one to view if you wish. In this order: 1. I put your original photo which you posted 2. Then the resized, enhanced photo. 3. Then posted each with several different types of frames. I hope you like them and they bring you some small comfort. Please click on the following links ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...onYellowBed.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...YellowBed-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-6.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-2.jpg
Above image may be sharpened too much so I did it over again and here it is ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...llowBed-1-5.jpg

Then ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...gPinkOrange.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...inkOrange-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-5.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-2.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...kOrange-1-3.jpg

Then ...

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...nWhiteBeige.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...teBeige-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-1.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-2.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-3.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-4.jpg

http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l179/MyS...Beige-1-1-5.jpg

I do hope you're getting the help you need to find ways to cope with your loss. I went through a bunch of that not washing his things or moving any of his things much the same as you. Still, I know my baby can see and hear me, that he's always near. I pray you come to feel that way too someday. It takes time. For many, it takes lots and lots of time. Allow yourself all the time you need. Okay? Do come back to share as often as you feel up to it. Please know that you and your fur kid Mage are in my thoughts and prayers.

Many Comforting Hugs!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

[annf]

Thank you Joanne. I too haven't washed the clothes I wore that day - I don't want to, his smell, his being, the last time we were together, all those things. The world is not the same without him, it's like the song says, 'why does the world go on turning etc, etc.' It is like the end of the world - and the sun shining makes no real sense. It's hard too as it is Spring and the sun is warm and Mage and I loved being in the warm together.

I was reading your thread last night as my boy had CRF - diagnosed February 2005. When he became really unwell mid July this year, I too was extremely angry with his doctor. A man we had known for many years, as he worked for Mage's original doctor in the same practice. Since then he had moved to another practice and when Mage became sick in July 2004, we went to him as he was local and Maurice was away. Paul found a lump and Mage had tests and ultrasounds the next day and was in surgery the day after. It was Lymphosarcoma and he then went on to have 5 months of chemotherapy. After his chemo - which was cut short because he was losing weight - put down to the chemo but found to be kidney problems and because of the very quick on set of the cancer - he had had an xray one month before by his usual doctor Maurice for potential arthritis and a thorough examination and nothing was picked up - I was angry then too - I ended up taking Mage to Paul every two weeks for a check up. I trusted Paul even though at times I felt he wasn't doing enough - but I didn't change doctors. When Mage became sick this year and by cir%%stance I ended up at another surgery where Mage was prescribed subq fluid, Larabolin, multi B vitamins and other things I became really angry with Paul for not offering these things sooner. He knew Mage was losing weight gradually and watched him do so for over 12 months. Every now and then I feel less angry until something stirs it up again. This new place we found - we had been there once before, but I remember thinking that I was glad we were going to this new place - it was a nicer environment and a really caring doctor, however, this doctor went behind my back to get Mage's records from Paul (not that I would have stopped this, but nice to be consulted) and when I queried this action with the nurse I was contacted by the doctor who told me he could no longer meet our needs if I was going to act this way with the staff. Basically he dumped us because I was upset by his actions. I thought an apology would have been more appropriate.
In the end through alot of different events we ended up back at the specialists - one of his original Oncologists and again I was pleased we were back with him as he offered all sorts of things. Yet in the end he too let us down. I have been so angry and guilt ridden over all manner of things not to mention the care I tried to get for him. So I have some appreciation of your angst.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Take care too.

Wendi.

Wendi,
I read your posts about your dear cat Mage, You were so kind to respond to me about my dear Woody who I lost the end of September. Thank you for understanding. Your posts about Mage are really heartfelt. You did so much for your boy, he was so lucky you went through so much to help him through his illness, he was a dear cat, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing I hope it helps you. I want to share about our dear "kitty" who passed on 2 years ago this past May. We had to finally let her go, she had crf and we kept her going for a couple of years. First about age 13 she started with frequent UTI's and then her kidneys showed deteriorating at age 16. We tried different meds, it was so hard to get the pills in her. After a bad episode and some subq fluids we thought it wouldn't be long, but she hung in there ,our Vet showed us how to do the subq at home. (I have needle phobia) That took some getting used to. We had an IV bag hanging from our kitchen curtain rod for 1 and 1/2 years, at first we would put it away but when we got to daily treatments we just left it there. It was a conversation piece for visitors. There are lots of people out there that don't get that we are willing to do so much for our pet children. She was 18 when the time finally came to let her go. I heard her many nights after that, It was always a thump in the night, which was her typical jumping on and off the bed through the night. I hope you will hear your Mage, it is a bittersweet experience. After loosing my Woody and reading the posts on this site I find myself thinking about "kitty" more and more. I developed an allergy to cats, and suffered the last 10 years with her but she was worth it. I miss not having a cat. Thinking of you and sharing in your grief. Take good care
annf

[Zita'sMom]

Wow, what a beautiful cat, and such a beautiful, loving and adventurous relationship you had. I hope the beautiful memories will someday outweigh the sorrow for Mage's transition.

I share the transition date of August 28th of losing my special kitty angel, Ziggy, who was shot.

Wishing you much healing and love.

Jan.

[Magesmumma]

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.


I love the story of your first meeting (by the way, my Little Guy was born to a feral mom in my back yard in May of 1991...I have seen that year mentioned more than once in this forum).

What you said at the end above made me think of:

No..he has not unwrapped you.....he has simply wrapped himself around your heart..a place where there is no unwrapping.....ever. It is a "forever" place to be.

Hugs,
Judy

Thank you Judy - 1991 must have been a popular year for meetings!

What you said about Magion wrapping himself around my heart resonates with me, indeed. Never to leave, always present. Thank you.

And thank you for your comment about his photo up above too. He was, and still is, my most beautiful boy.

Hug back,

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Dottie for your kind words. I am seeing a one on one grief counsellor - through the organisation that animal emergency tried to get me to talk to the day Magion went. They are a grief and bereavement organisation funded by the State Government to provide support and counselling to any bereaved person and those who know someone who is grieving. I have been truly amazed how this organisation holds furred, haired and feathered friends as equals to human persons. They truly do honour them in the manner in which they should be.

Thank you for the thoughts you put into presenting Magion's photos in this way. It was very kind of you to take the time.

Thank you again for your well wishes.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Hi Joanne.

Strangely after posting my response to you last night I ended up having a dream about Mage's doctor (Paul). In the dream it was if he didn't know that Mage had gone (in reality I had rung his mobile that morning - 5:30 am and left a message as I was searching for someone to help as the specialist was not returning my calls and Mage wasn't well, so when Mage went I did ask animal emergency to call him. When I got home there were two messages on my answering machine from him - one responding to my original call and one expressing heartfelt sympathy. I had still been talking to him but hadn't expressed my anger and disappointment. He also sent a card expressing personal thoughts about Mage). However, in the dream it was like he didn't know and he was walking away from me to go and have a game of golf (??) and I called to him and said goodbye. He looked at me and knew from my expression that Magion had gone, he walked passed me and shock his head, saying 'it's too soon, it's too soon.' And I screamed back at him 'talk to me about it!' I then went to the car where Magion was in one of his houses (his Choozy) on the passenger seat - (and as I write this I remember that that is the spot he was in when we went in to animal emergency that morning and in the same house.) Then the other doctor appeared with Paul. That's when the dream ended.

It was a disgusting dream and the feeling behind Paul's words were like he didn't expect that he could go so soon after him telling us how high Mage's numbers were. (I didn't know the actual numbers - didn't want to - one of his Oncologists had convinced me that the numbers themselves don't mean anything, it is how the individual adjusts and adapts to the rising levels that is important and to guage how Mage is from how he is acting and behaving.)

I have questioned all my actions during that time and Paul did say to me once then, that desparate times call for desparate measures and that I would try things then that I would never have tried before. We had always taken a very cautious approach, wary of anything that could cause any interaction with the kidneys. I was just disappointed that Paul hadn't monitored his fluid. I had a friend that said Paul could go overseas on the money we spent there. I don't know. I ended up questioning the fluid in the end and thought I had given him too much - the bag would hang above the bed - it's still there, and each night he had some. He used to moochle the covered needle before I inserted it and would sit there ready and we would have cuddles and purrs as he had his fluid and he would say when he had enough. He was such a good boy.

I did seek out alternative stuff when he was diagnosed in 2005 - he was prescribed Chinese herbs but I didn't give them to him out of fear that they could make it worse and they came with a warning about vomiting and stomach upset. I became really cautious.

I wondered about vaccinations too - I've read the same thing. The vet who worked with alternative practices said not to vaccinate any creature that wasn't fit and healthy. Paul said during 2006 that he could have his vaccination as he was then stable and believed that the advice of the other vet was only in regard to the chemo and him being unwell then. However, me being supercautious (Paul having raised alot of this in me as he said there were so many things he couldn't have because of the kidney disease), Mage didn't ever have another vaccination. I wasn't prepared to take any chances. Yet, my family never vaccinated any of the cats they had and generally they were in poor condition.

You say you have seven babies now, I don't know how you do it. I suppose it's like any family - some people have large ones and then there are those of us who can only 'manage' one or two.
I know when Bakkus went - I met both Mage and Bakks at the same time - I had to be there for Mage as he was missing and looking for Bakks.

When you say

he loved me unconditionally with all my imperfections, and so one day, maybe I can forgive all including myself...Perhaps this is the lesson I have to learn about unconditional love....forgiveness of myself.

my thought was - Magion knew me, the real me. I could be totally myself with him and at times when I was acting silly and dancing around like a nutcase, with him in my arms, or just in front of him, he would just look at me as if to say, 'that's my Mumma.' Sometimes he would smile and enjoy, sometimes he would join in and 'wow' and other times just look a bit quizical. But I have never been able to be truly myself with any other individual like that. My own family of origin would be judgemental, critical, friends the same - if I was game to act that way. I suppose it is that acceptance - nutcase or otherwise - the acceptance of us, as you say, worts and all. And the learning for me, may well be to accept myself as he accepted me and to be myself, my geniune self, as I was with him.

Thank you Joanne for your thoughts and words.

Take care of yourself.

Wendi.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you annf.

We had an IV bag hanging from our kitchen curtain rod for 1 and 1/2 years, at first we would put it away but when we got to daily treatments we just left it there.


Mage's specialist said that subq fluid can keep them going for weeks, months, years and I had heard of subq fluid being used for some time and in some ways didn't think any less for Mage and yet at the same time was afraid as his doctor had said he was 'trying hard.' I was annoyed he hadn't been on regular fluid for longer as this could have helped his appetite and so on.

It's just that when there are no more moments to be had (as we have had them) the moments we had are never enough. And that's when all the regrets and guilt become so apparent.

I do feel Mage around at times and the other day I heard someone at the front door - security door - and when I went to see there was no-one there. The sound was just as if Mage had scratched at the door to come in - although over the last years we only went outside together generally or if I nipped in then I would snib the door open so he could get in - but the feeling that it was him wanting to come in was that real that I just had to open the door and let him in. Amazing feeling!

I hope your Kitty still visits, especially now for you.

Take good care of you.

Wendi.