How Do You Get Over It Being Your Fault? How Do You Pick The Death Dat Options

[kodiak'smom]

My beautiful german shep/akita has had almost 12 perfect years w/us. She has lived her entire life w/severe hip dysplasia.

As she aged we rarely took her w/our other 2 dogs to the park, it involves loading them into an SUV and you have to be quick, she'd put her front paws up and we quickly lift her rear in. It ALWAYS worked out.

Well, we got down to taking her once a month, we could see her slowing down. On the spur of the moment last week, I decided to let her go with us...something I may regret the rest of my life, I blame ME.

She put her paws up to get into the car and it was like slow motion, I saw it coming, my husband didn't get her up in time and she collapsed straight down onto her feet.

We didn't realize the severity of what happened, got her in the car...at the park I realized she couldn't walk well at all I told my husband we gotta get her home. We did, she fell in the car as well on the way back. When we got home her back legs wouldn't hold her. We quickly slung her with a nearby towel took her in the house. She rested seemed fine otherwise - gave her a Previcox and she slept for about 12 hours - MIRACULOUSLY the next morning she was up and walking, navigating even the stairs - for 3 days.

THEN - during 4 the night something happened, we were asleep, apparently she took another fall and has not been able to walk for a week.

We took her to the vet, she said her rear leg has no neuro function, possibly a slipped disk, she cannot walk on 3 legs the hip is too degenerated. We brought her home and hoped it would heal...it has only been a few days and we are seriously physically injured lugging our girl up and down stairs, slinging to go out and pee..my Lord, 100 lbs feels like 500 lbs.

It seems we have no choice but to put her to sleep - my husband, son and I are exhausted, hurt physically from this and our sweet girl is well in every other way, but we have tried and cannot go on.

I so feel had I never opened the door to let her go w/us - I KNOW she would be fine, this is my fault, I wanted her to have some fun - but instead tragedy struck.

It is time to do the unthinkable, we love her SO MUCH - she sleeps w/us, she is so vocal and so human like, she is precious, I can't imagine saying goodbye now over ONE leg that prevents her from walking - my fault - God, how do I live with myself? How do I set the date to take her back to the vet and say goodbye forever.

I feel near collapse - I am sick to begin with w/an neuro disease similar to MS and if I were stronger I'd take care of her forever like this - I am sick someone help - tell me how do I get through all of this?

Thank you -
Kodiak's mom