My Girl Monkey, (p.s. not really a monkey..........ok, kinda) Options

[Monkey's daddy]

Life sure doesn't feel the same anymore, it feels very empty now. It's just completely different since Monkey's gone.

When I first moved into the new house in Aug'07 I was so proud of it. It was new and perfect and I would get bent if I found a little smudge on the new walls. Now you should see the place. I vacuumed for the first time last week since Monkey passed in March. I've broken 2 or 3 doors, there are at least 2 holes in the drywall. I kicked my car door open and bent the hinges on it. I sometimes get mad over what happened as you can tell. Well, they are just meaningless possessions. I was proud of them but they never mattered as much as a precious life, not even close. I really bought the house for the cats, I was thinking of them when I saw the layout and yard and such. Now I don't care. I probably could level the place but I realize I must maintain somewhat.

I never would have thought that the vets could be so stupid. It was always "its possible that it's this" and "its possible that it's that" and "it could be this or this".
Why don't you just say you don't know moron!! It's like going into a store to find something and you ask a salesperson where it is, and they don't know, and they start wandering around looking for it, and you're following them, and you're like "I can wander around lost on my own but you want me to follow you and you're lost". Or more like, you find out more on your own than the stupid vet even knows, and he's the "professional" or "doctor".

All right, I'm getting upset and starting to rant and rave. I just can't believe EVERYTHING could go wrong. I mean, even Murphy's Law says that if "something" can go wrong it will, not "everything".

Some examples are:

Mis-diagnosis
Missed diagnosis
I care until the treatments are done and I have all your money
Under medicating
Improper treatment
under treatment

AHHHHHHHH. I could scream.
I need something to break before I start crying. (A certain vets neck would be nice)

[LoveThem]

I am glad you are starting a thread about Monkey. I saw your website tribute and she is a beautiful baby. Because the avatar pictures here are kind of small....it would be really nice if you would post some of those pictures you have...here...where we all can see.

Tell us some stories about your happy memories with her. Start from the beginning...how old was she when you got her...what are her special charms...

It is the good memories that help us heal although that may take a lot of time. Many here can understand your anger at such a loss and your "disappointment" with your vets. It seems a crime when a loss is accompanied by memories of treatment and diagnosis that are upsetting. It does help to rant, to vent against all the unfairness we feel when we lose one so very special.

We do the best we can trying to care for these sweethearts but we can only do so much. I won't say all vets are perfect because they are not but just like doctors for us...there are some that are special and there are some we would never want to see again. I hate when there are unanswered questions about a loss...that is the worst thing when trying to heal. But again, we are human and so are the vets and even with their studies, they are not God and therefore not perfect. When we find one who goes beyond normal caring, we do feel blessed to have one to bring our babies to but even they, no matter how hard they try, cannot always give the perfect answers.

I have found grief to be so exhausting and also any anger or questions that my baby's loss is bad enough to deal with....I have to let those other things go for my own health.

What helps me is my belief that when it is their time to leave us, no one can prevent it...not us and not our vets. These diseases we see take them are devastating but then that is the part of life we know is not fair in so many ways. It can't even be fair to such wonderful ones who ask nothing but to give something..their unconditional love. So, we are truly helpless when fate or whatever decides they have to leave physically. If there is a way to prolong a quality of life and it is meant to be, control stays with us to get that treatment but if they are meant to leave.....all human control is taken away. I am grateful for every day they were in my life and I know everyone feels the same way about that.

One Mom here said: the pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. I agree and it is joy we knew and now have as good memories that help ease the pain..in time.

I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling but remember...here you are never alone. We are there in that same pain with you.
And if we can say something that helps lessen it, that also helps our healing too.

Hugs and wishes for inner peace and healing. Please tell us about Monkey...from the beginning of when she came into your life.

[AlleysMama]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Monkey was such a beautiful girl. Your website for her is beautiful. It has been 18 months since I lost my Alley and I still think about her and miss her every single day. Most of the time I can think of good things about her, her funny little meow, or how she would get stuck on the roof. But sometimes I do relive those last days, and I get so angry, like you, that I want to choke someone, or hit something. In time though, the good memories to outweigh the bad. I hope you can find that place with your memories of Monkey.

Just know that you are not alone.

[havana]

Life sure doesn't feel the same anymore, it feels very empty now. It's just completely different since Monkey's gone.

When I first moved into the new house in Aug'07 I was so proud of it. It was new and perfect and I would get bent if I found a little smudge on the new walls. Now you should see the place. I vacuumed for the first time last week since Monkey passed in March. I've broken 2 or 3 doors, there are at least 2 holes in the drywall. I kicked my car door open and bent the hinges on it. I sometimes get mad over what happened as you can tell. Well, they are just meaningless possessions. I was proud of them but they never mattered as much as a precious life, not even close. I really bought the house for the cats, I was thinking of them when I saw the layout and yard and such. Now I don't care. I probably could level the place but I realize I must maintain somewhat.

I never would have thought that the vets could be so stupid. It was always "its possible that it's this" and "its possible that it's that" and "it could be this or this".
Why don't you just say you don't know moron!! It's like going into a store to find something and you ask a salesperson where it is, and they don't know, and they start wandering around looking for it, and you're following them, and you're like "I can wander around lost on my own but you want me to follow you and you're lost". Or more like, you find out more on your own than the stupid vet even knows, and he's the "professional" or "doctor".

All right, I'm getting upset and starting to rant and rave. I just can't believe EVERYTHING could go wrong. I mean, even Murphy's Law says that if "something" can go wrong it will, not "everything".

Some examples are:

Mis-diagnosis
Missed diagnosis
I care until the treatments are done and I have all your money
Under medicating
Improper treatment
under treatment

AHHHHHHHH. I could scream.
I need something to break before I start crying. (A certain vets neck would be nice)

Hello,am so sorry for your loss also and understand the pain you are going thru, please don't be afraid to feel angry because that is part of the healing prosess. One thing I want you to be sure of and that is if you feel lonely and need to talk to us be free to do so becouse all of us will be here for you like they were for me when I needed it the most, one way or another we all feel the same pain of loosing a dear baby to us. My heart is with you like it is every body elses here, God Bless, Buster and Jorge .

[myhrtisbrkn]

Monkey's Dad,

I know I nave been very fortunate to have had so many good, gifted vets, at least the last several years. But 15 years ago I trusted a vet with my heart-cat, my darling, my baby angel Mephistopheles ( aka Fleas ). I believed this woman when she told me that nothing more could be done to treat his chronic renal failure, his suffering was only going to get worse, and it would be terrible and it was time to let go, so I signed the consent for and buried my boy. A few years later I learned from a very reliable source that when the vet's husband was dying of cancer, he had begged her to euthanise him until she did. Following that, my source said, she ( understandably ) went a little bit mad and wanted to put every patient she had to sleep. Finally her son persuaded her to retire.

In all my life I never was so angry, never wanted so much to do murder, as I was when I learned what more could have been done for my cat I loved more than my next breath. Since then my policy towards vets, even if I know them well is " trust with verification" . And some horror stories I've read from other embers reinforces my caution. And it usually seems to be cats these vets are ignorant of. or callous towards.

I guess the point of that sad long-winded story is to let you know you're not alone. I eventually came to terms with my baby's death...it took a while, and I damaged some furniture in the process. My fondest hope for you is that you find peace sooner than I did.

All the best,
Dayna

[Monkey's daddy]

I try to remember the good things, but the nightmare of her last months are all too fresh in my memory. I often think of little things she used to do and it makes me smile a little or even chuckle to myself.
Monkey was born in October of '90. I got her mom about 6 months earlier, and she used to escape out through the window screens of my apartment before I had her fixed and apparently had gotten pregnant. I didn't even know until a buddy said"man that cat's pregnant". She just had 3 babies, Monkey, Buddy and Ashley.
Mommy, Buddy and Ashley are still with me. But Monkey was my favorite. Of course she has to be the one to go first.
I remember I named her after watching her jump from the floor to the top of the kitchen cabinets. That was like a 7 foot vertical leap. I was amazed. So thats what got me calling her Monkey, I don't know if there's any relation to a 7 foot vertical leap and a Monkey, but thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
I already posted a couple funny stories under the pinned topic of "Post your Happy Memories Here"
http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=4220
Plus a couple on her website.
I remember she always wanted to come in the bathroon when I was in there. She would be on the other side of the door and stick a paw under it and wait for me to play with her, and its like, I'm trying to take care of business here. But she was always where I was, night and day.
I always remember she would wait for me outside the door if I was in a closed room, and I would always get a big meow when I opened it, she had such a cute little meow, it was very feminine sounding I guess, very soft and high pitched. But I hope when its my turn to leave this world, and I open that door, Monkey is there with one of her comforting little meows. Otherwise, what would the point of all this be?

[LoveThem]

Thanks for the stories. It is stories like that that make us smile and we all need that right now..as much as possible.

Funny.. your paw under the bathroom door story is amazing. My 3 black beauties were with me..from 10 to over 16 years and they never did that. But Lucky, the shelter cat I adopted in December, has started doing that with my husband and now everytime my husband goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, Lucky lies outside it on his side sometimes and my husband moves a small towel back and forth and Lucky one time pulled it through enough he got his teeth into it and was hanging on. Now he goes there and waits for the shadow movement and does put his paw as far under the door as he can reach..being stretched out.

It just sounded like Monkey and Lucky may have shared spirits. He is also the only cat to jump on the kitchen counters from the floor.
These babies each have their own personality and yet they share a lot of the same traits..the ones that make us smile thinking of them.

You said: But I hope when its my turn to leave this world, and I open that door, Monkey is there with one of her comforting little meows. Otherwise, what would the point of all this be?

I couldn't agree with you more.

Continue sharing stories..you will find that is helping you inside..each time you allow a good memory to push aside a sad one...that is a baby step toward healing. the pain will never go away but it will wind up kind of locked away eventually. It does escape at times and we can have a very sad day but when we are back in control...we will have more good memories and therefore good days, such as there can be, than the ones that hurt so very much.

Hugs and wishes for peaceful days soon....but it does take time no matter what we do. You are not alone in grieving. You are not alone in pain. The wishes you have for Monkey echo all ours for our own wonderful best friends who have physically left..but only physically.

I look at your girl's picture on your tribute website and my thought was "What a beautiful baby".

[oliver's mama]

I chuckled at Monkey's paw-under-the-door-game. All my cats do it to some degree but when Oliver was an older kitten, he used to do it ALL THE TIME to the front door of my apartment. I knew when people were at my door before they'd knock because he'd be up to the shoulder next to it. That's how I got my Daphne, Oliver and her were playing under the door game and I opened the door and found not a visitor but a calico cat on the other side. Man, that stuff was great.

Incidentally, I haven't swept either.

I am terribly sorry you have to deal with anger and incompetence on top of grieving. I switched vets about a year ago or so. The vet I switched from I actually worked for 7 years ago or so and he lives less than a block from me. He is good, just not my style. My vet now is great, he and his nurse wife along with another woman who's the vet assistant run the place themselves and they are totally in it for the love of animals, the rest is secondary. Once, he had an incubator full of orphaned baby raccoons. His wife arranged to drive some crazy amount of miles for medicine because Oliver's original symptoms and tests looked like a rare bacterial infection. They know me by my first name. One of my best friends in San Diego said her vet came back from vacation when her kitty had a bad health scare and then charged her something like 200 bucks for what would have been over 1000. He also goes around donating time and skills for animals just to help, no money asked for. Good vets are out there and I hope that you too will find a good one, shop around and don't settle until you do. Maybe some here can give you referals if you live in the same area...let me know if you live in NE Indiana or San Diego.

Oliver's mama

[goliath]

But I hope when its my turn to leave this world, and I open that door, Monkey is there with one of her comforting little meows. Otherwise, what would the point of all this be?

There's no doubt that when you leave this world you indeed can expect Monkey to greet you. When two loves are so connected they never separate. This kind of bound love is secure and Monkey lives in you and around you. All creatures great and small, He hath made them all.

May your days be filled with the happy memories you and Monkey made together on this earth. She left you with so many wonderful times to remember and cherish for the rest of your natural life. One day you and she will be reunited in a place where only love lives forever and ever.

Take care,
Beth

[Monkey's daddy]

Good vets are out there and I hope that you too will find a good one, shop around and don't settle until you do. Maybe some here can give you referals if you live in the same area...let me know if you live in NE Indiana or San Diego.

Oliver's mama

I'm in indiana, just NW of Indianapolis. Anybody happen to live out this way and know a good vet let me know. I'm sure the odds of anyone on here being in the same area as me are pretty slim though.

[Monkey's daddy]

I don't have a whole lot of pictures of Monkey. I have gigs of video though. I do have this one polaroid I took sometime in the late '90s though that I need to scan and get on here, and on Monkeys website too.
It's a picture I took on a Thanksgiving. Usually on Thanksgiving I either go to my Mom's or my Aunt's house. That particular year my Mom was out of town and my Aunt usually has Thanksgiving dinner around 1 pm. 1 pm? I'm still in breakfast mode at 1 pm. So, anyway, I decided I'm going to go all out and cook a full Thanksgiving dinner for myself (and the cats). So I did. The whole deal. A big turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, stuffing, the works. And I made up four different plates, one for each cat, with everything mentioned, and I have a picture of it. Pretty funny. I just need to find a color scanner so I can get it on here.
Oh, I did get a plate for myself too.

[LoveThem]

Looking forward to seeing that one. Sounds really great!

[myhrtisbrkn]

MY beloved Fleasy-cat was a turkey-holic. He could smell turkey even if it was frozen. On Thankgiving Day , he used to lie in the kitchen floor, on his back ,kicking his feet and screaming, as only a siamix can. Then when it was served he would get in your lap and take it out of your mouth, if you let him. He would have been such a "hit" at your Turkey-Day feast.

Gotta see that pic.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Jim, I'm very sorry for your loss. You've done a great job at your tribute site, though, befitting of the love you and Monkey shared. I kept trying to leave a comment there, but no matter how much I whittled the content down (to almost nothing!), it kept implying I had more than 500 characters......so I gave up and decided to find one of your threads here instead. Here's most of what I was first trying to write there....with a few additions.

********************************************************************************
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I saw the 'look-a-like' sock/tee image very clearly. I'D take it as a sign, especially since Monkey and socks are so LINKED to begin with. A sign is usually PERSONALLY MEANINGFUL to the one it comes to. I don't believe in the idea of randomness in the Universe, so I think everything has meaning and we just need to discern what that is for each of us, individually (and also as a whole, human consciousness on the planet).

I don't know exactly how you asked the communicator about it, ie. if you first described it before you asked, but it may have helped to simply ask WHAT sign(s) Monkey had sent to you, to see if the answer jibed with what you saw, or with socks or something. That would have added powerful validation to it and may have helped you feel more confident about it. (you could always try this with a different communicator if you feel so inclined)

I also love your story about what Monkey DID with socks....reminds me of my own girl, Nissa, dragging her 'snakes' up and yowling about her always-great 'catch'. Memories for us both to cherish, even if they still hurt, too, because we miss our babies so. (I'm at 22 months as of today, and it's still more painful than not, but I don't apologize for that, or minimize it -- it just is what it is)

I can also completely understand not only the lack of unpacking because of how you feel now, but also your rage against so much concerning your loss, especially the docs. Too high a % of them fail us/our beloveds, both in the animal and human category....just when we need their help the most. (haven't even read your entire story as I haven't been around for wks., but 'get' it just the same as I've heard similar stories more times than I can count) I think for a lot of them, they're only really interested in 'helping' an animal (or human) if they're still relatively HEALTHY, because that's easier for them to handle in their practice. It IS very hard to find really good vets, at least locally, and just as much a challenge to find good human doctors. That's why I used more than one, and not all local. Many of the best animal parents I personally know did/do just that -- teams of vets, to try and cover more bases.

Also, the anger inherent in grief is about as large and intense as it ever gets in life. It's magnified, as are ALL feelings associated with loss, but there's nothing wrong or 'bad' about feeling it. As with any emotion, it's only what we do with it and how we process it that's really important in the long run, and there's nothing wrong with venting it at appropriate places, with those who can understand and accept it, to keep it from getting stuck inside where it can do us harm.

Similarly to you, we purchased our current home mainly with an eye to what our KIDS would like better, and I landscaped our yard mainly for THEM and THEIR preferences......so I 'get' that whole idea, too. At least we can say we had their best interests at heart ourselves, to the greatest degree we could figure out at any given time. That still counts, even in our grief and the anger that's a part of that grief.

However, you've done a lovely memorial site for Monkey and I'm sure she's so pleased to be honoured by you this way. She deserves it, and so do you. And I'm so sorry.....

F's Mom

[Monkey's daddy]

Hi, F's mom.
Thanks for visiting, I'm glad you liked it. I'm curious, were you able to hear the music? I'm not sure if thats working for everyone or not.
I did have the comments limited to 500 characters, sorry. I changed it to ten thousand so that shouldn't happen again.

Yea those socks are a trip. I still haven't moved them. I feel like it would be losing part of her if I did. I yell at the other cats if they get to close or act like they are going to mess them up, so far they haven't. Crazy, I know, but it is just too much of a coincidence not to be just random. It just feels like it's a part of her there, especially since it happened right after she passed. The other day one of my other cats layed down behind the socks in the EXACT same position, on his side, head on an arm. I mean, it looked identical to the socks. I tried to sneak off and get my camera but he saw me and lifted his head up. I sat there with the camera for a minute hoping he would lay his head back down, but he didn't, he got up. Damn. That would have been a great shot.

I think when I saw the communicator I just showed her the picture and asked what she thought, it's been a while though. Overall though, i wasn't very impressed with her. I do have an appointment with another lady this week. She's supposed to be real good. I guess the first lady I saw trained with the lady I'm going to see. She's got a cool site. It's medicinehorsewoman.com
Hopefully that will be a better experience. Not that the last one was that bad, she just didn't seem very "tuned in" I guess.

Yes, it was also a rare site to see Monkey with a "snakey" in her mouth. She always did it when I was either asleep or downstairs. Sometime I'd come upstairs and there would be a half-dozen socks all around. It was funny to see her with one in her mouth, head help up high so as not to trip over the thing. She was so funny. The only time she meowed when she had one would be at night. She usually would drag it alllllll the way to the basement from the second floor and just start meowing in rapid succesion. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. So I'd have to get up and take it away from her if I was going to get any sleep. You know, I never once then thought about someday this would be all I have left of her. Memories. I don't know, I guess you just think they are going to be around forever sometimes.

Ahh, anger. Lots of anger. Put 2 more holes in the walls this week. The new house is starting to look old real quick. Thank God I'm exercising SOME control or who knows how trashed the place would be. I don't see things ever getting any better or easier. As long as she's gone whats going to be any different? It's amazing how much things have changed. It's like now I can see where the best days of my life ended and now I'm just alive. Now all I can do is look back and think about the good ol' days and would give anything to go back there. Yesterday, when Monkey was alive, my dad was alive, and I was younger. Today, just another day that I wish would hurry up and be over with so I can be one day closer to this all being over with. Thats all I have left. There are no "happy endings" in this life, endings are all bad.

[goliath]

I don't see things ever getting any better or easier. As long as she's gone whats going to be any different? It's amazing how much things have changed. It's like now I can see where the best days of my life ended and now I'm just alive. Now all I can do is look back and think about the good ol' days and would give anything to go back there. Yesterday, when Monkey was alive, my dad was alive, and I was younger. Today, just another day that I wish would hurry up and be over with so I can be one day closer to this all being over with. Thats all I have left. There are no "happy endings" in this life, endings are all bad.

Though your future happiness may seem bleak at this time, please allow yourself just a glimmer of hope that all endings eventually bring a new beginning. Even in death.

I felt much like you after my Goliath passed away so suddenly in my arms. Left in complete despair and agaony, I lost the will to live. Nothing seemed right and I felt absolutely hollow inside. For two months I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a dark and lonely place held captive by a dreadful dark oppressive spirt I had never met before. That dark spirit would have liked nothing better than to destroy me and steal all the love I had left in me to share with others. I wasn't about to let anything or anybody take away anything more from me.

The treasure chest of memories I hold in my heart are mine forever. Goliath was a great teacher of love and I paid attention when he taught me. Over time I came to heal just enough to let his sunshine in me and all around me. Though his body has perished, his love goes on and on in all that I touch, see, hear,and feel. Life is good again.

May you find a place of comfort and acceptance again one day. Reach within yourself and you will find that Monkey left you with far more than grief. She was with you here on earth and will continue to be in all you do with each day. One day she will greet you at Heaven's Gate and take you to a place where loves lives forever.

Much love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

[havana]

Hi, F's mom.
Thanks for visiting, I'm glad you liked it. I'm curious, were you able to hear the music? I'm not sure if thats working for everyone or not.
I did have the comments limited to 500 characters, sorry. I changed it to ten thousand so that shouldn't happen again.

Yea those socks are a trip. I still haven't moved them. I feel like it would be losing part of her if I did. I yell at the other cats if they get to close or act like they are going to mess them up, so far they haven't. Crazy, I know, but it is just too much of a coincidence not to be just random. It just feels like it's a part of her there, especially since it happened right after she passed. The other day one of my other cats layed down behind the socks in the EXACT same position, on his side, head on an arm. I mean, it looked identical to the socks. I tried to sneak off and get my camera but he saw me and lifted his head up. I sat there with the camera for a minute hoping he would lay his head back down, but he didn't, he got up. Damn. That would have been a great shot.

I think when I saw the communicator I just showed her the picture and asked what she thought, it's been a while though. Overall though, i wasn't very impressed with her. I do have an appointment with another lady this week. She's supposed to be real good. I guess the first lady I saw trained with the lady I'm going to see. She's got a cool site. It's medicinehorsewoman.com
Hopefully that will be a better experience. Not that the last one was that bad, she just didn't seem very "tuned in" I guess.

Yes, it was also a rare site to see Monkey with a "snakey" in her mouth. She always did it when I was either asleep or downstairs. Sometime I'd come upstairs and there would be a half-dozen socks all around. It was funny to see her with one in her mouth, head help up high so as not to trip over the thing. She was so funny. The only time she meowed when she had one would be at night. She usually would drag it alllllll the way to the basement from the second floor and just start meowing in rapid succesion. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. So I'd have to get up and take it away from her if I was going to get any sleep. You know, I never once then thought about someday this would be all I have left of her. Memories. I don't know, I guess you just think they are going to be around forever sometimes.

Ahh, anger. Lots of anger. Put 2 more holes in the walls this week. The new house is starting to look old real quick. Thank God I'm exercising SOME control or who knows how trashed the place would be. I don't see things ever getting any better or easier. As long as she's gone whats going to be any different? It's amazing how much things have changed. It's like now I can see where the best days of my life ended and now I'm just alive. Now all I can do is look back and think about the good ol' days and would give anything to go back there. Yesterday, when Monkey was alive, my dad was alive, and I was younger. Today, just another day that I wish would hurry up and be over with so I can be one day closer to this all being over with. Thats all I have left. There are no "happy endings" in this life, endings are all bad.

Hi Jim, yes, you did a Great Job and the Music it is Lovely, it is that good that they are tears rolling down my face right now, am so sorry for your loss and for calling you Jim, May God Bless you and your Beautiful Baby Girl Monkey, always, Jorge

[Monkey's daddy]

Hi Jim, yes, you did a Great Job and the Music it is Lovely, it is that good that they are tears rolling down my face right now, am so sorry for your loss and for calling you Jim, May God Bless you and your Beautiful Baby Girl Monkey, always, Jorge

I'm glad you liked it. I'm glad Monkey is still touching hearts. She is such a good girl. (I still don't like to use past tense, and i don't think I ever will)
It's ok that you called me Jim, it is my name after all.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Hi again, Monkey's Dad.

No, I couldn't hear the music (maybe just as well for me, since I don't do too well with it yet), but I did notice there was supposed to be some. Might have something to do with individual computer settings/firewalls, too.

I know I wouldn't move the socks, either. We have a juniper bush we can see out the front window that for years since my boy died, suddenly took on the shape of his head at the top of the bush. So when we looked through the window at night, it looked like he was peeking at us from behind the bush. It only grew out of that shape right after his sister, Nissa, died. Now, I'll probably be removing it as it's outgrown the spot, but irrationally (but who cares?), I'm actually pissed at that bush now anyway for daring to change that continuously wonderful shape on me! So ANYTHING that brings us even the smallest bit of solace is worth keeping until we feel a need to makea change, or give it up. You'll have to buy more socks, I guess, though! Or not..that's totally up to you, too, actually.

Yes, too bad your other furkid didn't cooperate for that picture. But then, many felines are averse that way, aren't they? We couldn't even say "the C word" in front of Sabin, while Nissa didn't mind getting her picture taken at all. And perhaps Monkey didn't want her sign messed with, anyway!

I, too, hope your second go at a communication will net more for you. Just like with other professionals, it can be a long haul to try and find the best one suited to your tastes and preferences, as well as one who's just REALLY GOOD at it. I do hope the next one is more spot-on for you. At least it sounds like she does some preliminary groundwork with you to make sure you're confident she's connected with your own baby first, so that's something. (her Medicine Horse sounds even better than she is, but I see you must go in person for that service) And as with any skill-set, telepathic communication can take a lot of dedicated practice to get really accurate most of the time, unless you're lucky enough to have not squashed the 'art' down as much as most have and so are more of a "natural" at it than others.

When Nissa dragged her 'snakes' (or sometimes other sundry toys) up, frankly it delighted me/us so much that I, or sometimes both of us, would get up and praise her hunting prowess so she'd feel satisfied she'd done a good job of it, no matter the time of night (or day). She was so proud of her hunting skills and always wanted to share her own joy with us, and it made me chortle with glee and love to know her Mom's 'blessing' was that important to her happiness. Of course, sometimes this was just a bid to "PLAY now, please, cuz I'm ready to be kooky now!" And I'm glad to say that at least sometimes I'd even oblige her on that count (yes, no matter the time) just because it gave me so much joy to be able to give her what she wanted. Plus, I always felt so badly for her no longer having her beloved brother still there to do the middle-of-the-night play thing they'd so often done together for the 13 years he was here with us.

It's easy to get lulled into a sense of believing we'll have physical eternity with our loved ones on this plane, even if it's not "realistic." But it can also be difficult to live each day with conscious awareness that any day could be the last one we've got, without getting lost in the pain & fear that thought can bring. Any of us who've suffered anticipatory grief can attest to how hard it is to strike the best balance between the two modes of thinking. So it's no wonder so many of us prefer to live in a state of "ignorance is bliss". While it lasts, it tends to be a happier state, even though it obviously also contains its opposite downside at some point.

As for the anger and despairing thoughts, I hear ya. Since I'm classically slow to heal, I still have enough of those kinds of days, for both the same reasons (departed loved ones, passing youth, fading dreams and expectations, etc.) and actually many more complicating factors besides. Hence, I've never been one to be uncomfortable with others' necessary and oftentimes slow steps in processing a loss. This world moves far too fast for me as it is, never mind with the difficult job of dealing with loss and understandable sorrow. So for every emotion, including anger, it can help to simply accept that it's there for now. It tends to lose some steam naturally (for all sorts of metaphysical and psychological reasons) once we just accept being an 'angry person' at this moment. We probably don't want to stay in that state for a long, long time because of the damage it can do to us and those around us, but if we can consider it just another part of our grieving experience, one that we need to feel and express for a time, or on and off as the case may be, that helps resolve a good portion of it.

And just as the grief experts suggest, if we do something constructive with it at some point, that helps dispel it, too. Some people use it to speak with their vets (as rationally as is possible) about their dissatisfaction and experience. Even if they don't accept your feelings, and remain ignorant and self-centered, at least you've expressed your concerns and feelings and this might help other furkids' care in future. Of course, if you still have to work with a particular vet, you must try to choose your words and approach carefully and attempt to work around what you've got. But at least you're giving the both of you a chance to grow in some way and then you can pat yourself on the back for doing something constructive with your feelings. Others channel their anger into other pursuits, such as exercise, punching something inanimate (a punching bag works better than walls that you then have to fix up ...unless you like being a Tim the Toolman Taylor type; doesn't work that well substituting a "J" in there.....writing, building something, seeking counseling, or whatever. So you are helping dispel some of it already. It's just that you're making a lot of future work for yourself at the same time! The only thing I'd be concerned about is how those outbursts might be affecting your other cats while you work through this. They're furpeople, too, and if you think about how children become frightened at seeing, hearing and sensing uncontrolled anger, and how that affects them, you can apply the same logic to animals' reactions.

While I can't yet lay claim to life being good again, as Beth has been able to, (cuz it actually sucks royally again recently, for some of those complicating reasons) I can say in the past I've seen some quite magnificent "silver linings" that have come to pass directly because of my major losses, most especially that of my boy. If not for what he taught me through his living and dying, I would not have stepped up to the plate in the exact ways I did for his sister, my darling daughter. And how could I not be grateful for that?! I would have stayed HATING myself otherwise. If not for him, I would not have had the impetus to begin a spiritual journey, even before his passing but much more so afterwards. They both gave me a greater interest in all things metaphysical and of the quantum physics realm and most importantly experiences and so belief in continuing life. Nissa is also the one who re-opened my heart even wider after Sabin's loss and kept me on that path, loving me with total abandon the whole way, as hard as it has become again both after her crossing and of late. And that doesn't even cover the whole list. So even if I do end up wanting to just give up in future, at least I can say I tried my darndest because of them and their influence on my life and I unquestionably came much farther along in this lifetime than I would have otherwise. The sheer odds they helped me surmount are utterly remarkable and still fill me with awestruck wonder.

I don't have a CLUE if there really are more silver linings in store for me yet (from my girl's passing in particular), but until if or when I might give up, I can still count on my kids staying close by my side, supporting me and loving me totally, no matter what and with nary a break in that love. And I choose to believe that still counts for something amazing and glorious, as I've never been able to say that about any human so far. So while there's been more loss in my life than I care to accept, I also can't say there hasn't been anything good that eventually came from it, and I hope this might give you even a dim hope that the same or hopefully much better is in store for you, too. I know it's hard, but try to hang in there as best you can. Your Monkey Girl still loves you and will hold your paw with hers through it all.

[LoveThem]

I think I would keep a disposable camera real close to those socks in case I needed a picture. It might work.

I know how devastating it is when we lose a very very special baby. That is the unfair part of life. But I am glad I learned to love these babies so that they could become a part of my life. The only "reason" I can possibly think of for their coming into our lives and leaving is that we are given that unconditional love they are chosen to give out..that humans can't possibly do...and because of that...when they are taken away...it may be to make room for another that needs a home and love and is lonely too just like we become. We never forget our special ones and we will love them and miss them forever but in thinking back in my lifetime...I have never wanted to be without one of these special furbabies...I love their love and I love giving it back...and I hate when they get ill and have to leave but they will always be a special part of my heart and my life and each one possibly makes me appreciate the next one a little more. But I have found that no matter what....I always feel that each one who entered my life will be with me forever...and we know that does not happen.

But I have no regrets loving more than one when one has left. Because of humans' failures, there are too many of these babies being born and killed. They are all born with the spirit of unconditional love inside and there are not enough CARING humans to take care of them all. I believe that if they cannot be with me....knowing they always wanted to comfort me if I was sad because they did not want me to be sad....that kind of love would be happy to know I opened my heart to one of their "brothers" who had no home, and no love given to them. We can't save them all but if it were not for us...where would they be? Where would Monkey be and who would have taken care of her..if she hadn't met you?

I believe the greatest tribute and thank you we can give them for what they have given us...is...to go on, never forgetting...NEVER FORGETTING....but seeking out whatever distraction helps us accept what we cannot change and could not control. I know that as I had one of these sweethearts as part of my life...I was satisfied and did not seek out another but when they were taken from me..the hole in my daily life could only be filled by another...I needed that physical touch of them and from them. And I have always told myself that no matter what...the new one entering my life will never be hurt or abused by anyone else ever...and I know my "Lost" ones would approve of that. They can never be replaced as each one is unique onto themself...that's why whatever we do..we never replace them...but we do what we feel helps fill that emptiness we feel because our sweetheart's physical presence is taken away..and I do mean "taken away" because they would never leave us if the powers that be would not take them away from us.

I hope you keep remembering the happy memories of Monkey's life with you and use those memories to push away the sadness that becomes so much a part of us...we have to work at it...to stop it from becoming constant. Healing many times takes baby steps..devastation comes all at once but healing takes time and our memories and pictures help us to remember them always.

Take Care and I wish you peace and healing.