Am I Wrong To Compare?, death of a human to a furry freind Options

[KaseysMom]

When I lost my Kasey I sent out an e-mail with the poem I had written for her. I sent it to some family and to a few friends, had to e-mail as i was i not coherant enough use the phone,I had 1 ONE reply from a distant cousin (we are closer now) and nothing from anyone else, Including my best friend of about 12 years, I did not care, I know most are skindeeps but my best friend? so I wrote her and said I assume you did not get my e-mail because I am so hurt with no reply, she wrote back that very day, I am sorry I know you loved you CAT but you seem upset now so i will call you later when you have calmed down, needless to say I wrote and poured my heart out and said I was sorry if i seemed angry to her i was'nt i was hurt yada yada yada...our friendship will never be the same,out of the few people I do know around here and some family she was the one I thought would listen and hold me up,, nope I have not had a call an e-mail nothing, God forbid anyone would send a note or a hug..
In 1990 I lost the best friend I have ever had to a drunk driver I was out of it for awhile I could not even work and they put me on zanax to help,and lets just say people were trying to help they did let me know they were sorry and tried to comfort me. I loved Greg like I have never loved anyone besides my son, he was way to young 22 and was a good man, and I never thought I would laugh again he was sooo funny!The first time I laughed? was at one of my cats.
I will say this here (as I know I could never say it anywhere else) My Kasey and the love we had was just as important I am as raw over her as I was my best friend I think he might understand but for sure noone else I know would, Love is Love is Love and if not for the love and attention another CAT (my Sunny) had showed me after Greg was killed I dont know if I would be here mourning Kasey.
They are animals to those who can't open themsevles up to the pure love that they give, and I feel for them I really do, I have had such comfort from many animals and hope I have given back some at least, though I know never enough.
I can't even imagine losing a spouse,and don't want to try. But my friendship ended this time because when I needed that friend she was not there, My Husband is wonderfull and was just devastated over Kasey so sometimes I don't want to upset him, a friend would have been so nice.. I will close I am sorry I ramble but theres othing wrong with loving your Baby and to not grieve well I think that would be the starge thing..
Wishing you the best
Carolyn

[k9pal]

Sharon, I like your version of love is love better than mine. You put it into the words that I could not. I like your sense of humor and your outlook about things You know how to make a point in a light hearted way. I'm glad your friend had you at her time of grief. I'm sure that you gave her such comfort and support. Thank you for the smile. Missin' My Evander, I understand completly on what your saying about the comparison between the lost of a pet and a human. I know what a mess I am from losing my dog. I can't ever even imagine losing my husband. I was just so hurt that I had no support when I lost my furbaby. I just wanted to express that I loved my dog and to be put off like it was nothing, like he was nothing because he was "just a dog" really got me mad. Because he was important to me. I think that people should be more considerate of pet owners feeling when we lose our pets because we suffer from grief also. I'm sorry for your losses. Take care. KaseysMom, I'm so sorry nobody really responded to your poem. You must of been hurt by that. Like alot of people have wrote on this post and what I finally came to understand; Is that some people cannot sympathize with us and our loses because they don't know that deep connection that we share with our furbabies.If they don't understand it then how can they sympathize? But, at the same time if they can't sympathize they could at least acknowledge our grief. I'm sorry for both of your losses. Take care

[zookeeper]

Hi k9pal,

Even though your pain and disappointment was clear in your original post what was also clear, and what I think a number of others acknowledged, was your feeling that you needed your friend during an incredibly (understatement) difficult time and she seemed unable to offer you much of anything.

Despite her pain, a little more empathy was in order.

I don't think you were looking for quantification but rather qualification, and that's how I interpreted your question. (I hope I used those terms correctly).

The level of understanding from friends and family that I have enjoyed for most of my adult life in regards to the love I have for my pets is, perhaps, remarkable. That's probably why I cherish them all the more.

As a teacher, I am able to share my devotion to animals by leading by example. Aware of the wonderful things an animal companion brings to one's life, I can also speak to the level of commitment, responsibility and work it takes to make their lives healthy, safe and happy.

You did that too. Thanks for taking care of that little one of yours. You made the world a little brighter by having done so.

Sharon

[Chaos, my little...]

First, I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss, and the lack of deep concern that your friend/s had about your grief. Hearing or reading that type of thing always makes me sad. I also wanted to let you know that I have lost three friends to guns (one self-inflicted, two were murdered), uncles and aunts to heart disease, grandparents to diabetes and/or heart disease, etc. I grieved for them all, however it was the passing of Chaos, my precious little guy that caused the worst grief I have ever known. So it doesn't matter the species (as someone so aptly pointed out earlier in this thread). It's the love shared and the connection that matters, and little else.

Edit: I have been thinking about your thread since reading it and commenting (above), as I have had moments like yours in my life and I know how lonely and abandoned you must really feel. I was in utter emotional pain a few times in my life, and no one was there (talk about feeling alone in this great, big world!). After being forced to deal with some issues on my own, I pulled away from my family and "friends". I was forced to re-examine those I spent time with, and I let my family know that I was disappointed in their lack of support. Years went by, things got better, and my family grew emotionally (as did I). I still have some friends that, while sympathetic to my recent loss of Chaos, still weren't able to really understand why I sobbed violently for three days after he died-but nonetheless they were there, and hugged and comforted me. Now my FAMILY, well they really stepped up to the plate this time. They knew how much I loved Chaos, and that he was absolutely part of my immediate family. My mother and sister cried with me (my sister cried several times). This is the point of my rather long post (please forgive any rambling). They cried with me. As their tears flowed, they literally took some of the pain from my heart. It made my grief so much easier to bear because they shouldered some of it. And I knew others understood my torment-which is absolutely essential. That validation is so necessary for the grieving process to progress more quickly. I do think sometimes though, it is simply a matter of learning this and applying it, as most don't realize how much healing happens when loved ones share the hurt.

Lastly, you may not have gotten those tears from your friend, but you sure did here on this forum. I hope that it has helped to ease your heart from some of the terrible burden that you are carrying.

[k9pal]

Sharon, I want to thank you for clarifying my meaning and I want to especially thank you for being one of my continuous support towers on this site. Your support really has helped me. Chaos,my little talisman. I'm so sorry for all the losses that you have been through over the years. I'm terribly sorry for your loss of Chaos but it seems to me that he once again did something for you even in his passing. Chaos passing has brought your family closer together. They knew how much Chaos meant to you and they cried with and for you. That is in my mind, is the ultimate sign of the love that they have for you. As you said "when loved ones share the hurt" I love the way that you put that because it does help to have people close to you to acknowlege and feel your pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings about when you had some issues of emotional pain and that you pulled away from people. I thank you because I think that I did the same thing until recently. Not only had I done it with my family even thou they did give me support. I think that maybe the reason why my friend wasn't as supportive is because I wouldn't allow her to be. I pulled away and she sensed that distance that I had put in between us so she pulled away too. I think secretly that I didn't want support from all the people closest to me because I was blaming and punishing myself for Maxes cancer and death. I believed that everything that had happened to Max was my fault so I took any happiness away that I could of had because I didn't want to feel better. I wanted to suffer. ( who's rambling now? LOL) WOW! Guilt is soo powerful. I just did a post on mad about vets and John B pointed out to me that I had come to far not to go down that road again . I found out other info about the cancer Max had and I started to blame myself again. His words hit me and I realized that he was right. I don't want to go there again because it is a living hell. So I am going to fight the temptation. Your post conformed to me just how much the guilt took over ( by pulling away) and how much it actually took over my life. I think I will start a post about it and try to understand why we do it. Thank you k9pal

[zookeeper]

Dear k9pal,

God, that was a pretty incredible post. I am so happy for you - look how Max still helps you on your journey!

It's really hard to get to where you are, and you did it pretty quickly. (And that my dear, does NOT reflect in any way on your dedication to your beloved Max)! It only relates to your ability to heal. Your insight is so interesting - I think I'm going to look at some things in my life through that prism.

You did everything you could for Max. That's all of it. If you had known more you would have done more. I'm so glad you know that now. Listen, should I fancy myself the most astute of animal caretakers? Hmmm... I could tell you many stories but I'll only tell you one.

Milo, surely I've mentioned Milo, was a sneaky character. He'd eat anything. You know, razor blades, lipstick, cat poo. He was a mess and quite stealthy. I was usually pretty good at doggie proofing but things got by me and he was RELENTLESS.

He was having tummy trouble. Went to the vet, probably gastrointestinal they said , give him this. Okay, two days later, no better, I take him to Penn. They do xrays and find a "mass". He was ten, I thought the worst. but they called me in the early a.m. and said, "it's not a mass, it's a foreign body, shall we remove it"?

Just two days and many $$$$ later, I picked up my beloved pup. The guilt was overwhelming. He did it on my watch, at a time I could ill afford the cost of a chi-chi vet hospital. But he was worth it.

Was it my fault? Probably. Was it malicious negligence? Never. Was it benign neglect? Not even.

It happened, my baby suffered because I was unaware that he needed more supervision (or a muzzle).

It's not my being remiss as his mom that he would remember. He would remember the joy each time I greeted him all those years (14 ), he'd remember dog songs and a happy family and him, right there, in the middle of it all.

Like you did for your Max , you were his life, his mom, his fellow traveler. I think he'd be happy about that. We did our best. And we're better for it, aren't we?

Take Care Friend.