How Do Others Cope? Options

[Pamity]

I lost my old friend Lister 2 days ago, he was just short of 16 years old and failed to recover from an operation on his colon. I made the decision to let him go the moment he began to look miserable and I have no regrets about the course of events.

I feel devastated by the loss although I have to other cats his presence was so huge he has left a big gap in my life. I am coping with my grief the best I can but wonder what I can do to help my girls get through. Aggie was Lister's best friend, they were always cuddled up together and although she often protested she very clearly loved him, her relationship with my other cat Mona is very different and you rarely even find them in the same room.

Last night and this morning Aggie seems restless and distressed, pacing around and crying, I'm going to try her with some Bach flower remedies and wondered if anyone had any other tips for easing her grief.

Pam

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[Furkidlets' Mom]

Pam,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your boy, Lister. 16 years is quite a long time with your furchild and it's so hard to try to adjust to the new reality of their absence, for all of you. Lister's picture is SO sweet....what a pose! His eyes are beautiful....were they blue-grey?

You may find, over time, that the relationship between Aggie and Mona changes, probably for the better, as I've heard of so many cats who end up getting closer to each other when one of their pals is no longer there. Hope for the best with that.

In the meantime, I'm glad you're considering F.E.s as they can really help. I don't know how many of the Bach line you have (or can get) but for restless, unsettled behaviour, where they look lost and unsure, start by choosing between Scleranthus, Cerato, Walnut, Larch and Mimulus. Mimulus especially if they're showing fear, too. Red Chestnut if they seem to be concerned about their missing pal. Star of Beth. for shock of separation and loss. Walnut to help with the huge change. Honeysuckle if they're not trying to adjust at all and are intent only upon the past. Sweet Chestnut if they seem despairing and hopeless, and really pining away. Or, F.E.S. has a "Grief Relief" blend. All mixed, of course, from only 2 drops of each chosen FE from the stock bottle into 1 oz. of purified water (never given 'neat' to cats!), with the mixture given a min. of 4 drops, 4x's/day, in food or waterbowl, rubbed onto their pawspads or ear flaps, or right into their mouths. And no more than up to 5 FEs at a time in the blend. And of course, YOU should also be taking FEs for yourself, as our furkids most often are mirroring our OWN feelings back to us, so you need to treat yourself as well!

If you can find a Reiki practioner with Level II for distance Reiki, this is also VERY helpful, especially for cats....as many trtmnts/wk. as you can afford because Reiki's effects are best when cu*mulative. Good old-fashioned massage for your cats is also a good thing, if they'll allow it and will help drop blood pressure for both you and the one being massaged. Also, if you have access to any feline-specific products that are chamomile-based, this is also calming. So is plain, old catnip (which you can also made catnip tea out of, if they'll drink it)! A few extra treats, especially if of natural source (eg. chlorella tablets, which many cats like, and are healthy for them), will also help them feel well-cared for in their vulnerable state, w/o adding anything harmful to their diet. Some buffered Vit.C (Natural Factors calcium ascorbate powder is one good one) added to their daily meals during stressful periods is also good, as are multi B Vit's...both good practise ANYTIME. These Vit's are severely depleted during stress.....so you should take them, too.

And lots of extra affection and attention is usually called for when our babies are grieving, just as we usually welcome the same. Remember that whatever you do for yourself that helps, will help them indirectly, too, so don't forget about your own needs - add some self-pampering whenever you can!

If their appet*ites decrease some for a short while, don't panic. But if it goes on too long and they start losing weight, a vet check is in order, for safety's sake. Our Nissa developed the early signs of kidney failure right after losing her brother and apparently this particular condition is commonly seen in cats who are grieving, so better safe than sorry! (she DID live 6.5 more years though, with mine and her 2 holistic vets' care)

It's so wonderful of you to be thinking so much of your other kidlets' health and well-being. Lister had a really good mom, that's for certain! But do try to balance your own health with theirs, too. Take it from me, Nissa was a prime, living example of mirroring MY state of mind and she taught me well that self-care was every bit as important to HER state of health and mind. So try your best. And for some of that, you're more than welcome to keep coming back here to discuss, or vent, or whatever you need to do during your mourning. We'll be here for all of you!

[Moose Mom]

Pam

Oh your Lister was so handsome! I'm so sorry you lost him. 16 years is a long time, it will be hard for a while. For me the first week was the worst, then things got a tiny bit better. The first 24 hours I just cried.

We lost our kitty Moustache, three months ago. He had a huge personality too. The hole they leave so big, so empty, I understand. Mostly lots of love for both your girls, but special attention on Aggie. The Bach flower remedies are very good. Aggie will grieve, poor baby, but I hope in the end she gets to be 'best buds' with Mona. It will help you and Aggie to grieve together I think.

Thinking of you and your girls and Lister

[AlleysMama]

Pam,

Your Lister was so beautiful. I know how you must miss him. I lost my girl Alley on December 9th and as far as your question "how do you cope"... I wish I had an answer for you. Some days I think I'm doing ok, some days I'm just a wreck. I miss her so much and its hard to believe that she's really never coming back.

Your other cats are grieving too. Just make sure you give them lots of love and attention to help them get through this sad time as well.

I know that nothing anyone can say will stop the tears and sadness, but we are all here for you and would love to hear more about your baby Lister when you're ready to talk about him.

Paula

[LS Support]

for me, you are looking at my coping mechanism. being at techie type back when most people (including me) were still on AOL, i used the pain to an advantage and brought this site (and the USENET group) to life.

everyone can do something similar, create, volunteer, join, help, contribute, etc. it is all about taking your negative energy and converting it into positive energy. at least that worked for me.

[Ken Albin]

Animals are very sensitive to our moods and feelings. As you begin to heal so will your other cats. Take care and hope you feel better soon.

Ken Albin

[Leighann]

When my Homer passed on, my other cat Baby was the same way. I also used flower essences (Star of Bethleham for her AND for me, as well as some feline blends) I also tried my best not to disrupt her daily pattern. I tried to keep everything as normal as possible for her. I was lucky enough to be off for 2 weeks so I was able to spend extra time with her, and help her through her grief (as she was helping me too - I don't know where I'd be if she wasn't with me)

[Pamity]

Thank you all for your words of support. I have noticed that the girls are edging slightly closer to one another - just 18 inches apart on the bed! so perhaps they will get closer, they are mother and daughter and Mona has always been the lowest in rank and her Mum is determined to make sure she knows her place.

I suspect Mona will shine though and she has already offered comfort by sitting on Listers seat next to mine, although she keeps a respectful distance as though she is treading somewhere sacred. Aggie has quietened down a bit and appears to be comfort eating (that's my girl!)

I went back to work today and that was ok, as long as no one sympathises I'm fine but coming home to the house and not being greeted and pestered for food was hard. Routine in the house was always Lister's, he was diabetic so his mealtimes and injections had to be 12 hours apart and the rest of us had to fall in with him! The girls are much more relaxed and dont seem to care what time they get fed as long as they have some biscuits to graze on their happy. Not having high maintenance cats is going to take some getting used to! Before Lister's diabetes I had his brother's thyroid problems and medication to contend with (he sadly passed away in Oct 04).

Sorry for rambling - I suspect I might do this quite a lot!

Pam X

Pic is Lister and Aggie plotting something

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[Pamity]

OOH! sorry that pic is huge! I didnt expect that to happen!

Pam



sized it up for you...Admin

This post has been edited by LS Support: Feb 5 2007, 05:27 PM

[AlleysMama]

I think one of the mods can resize it for you.

What a beautiful picture of your Lister.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Don't apologize! It's a GREAT pic...all the easier to see them! And sorry, I see Lister's eyes were actually amber or amber-green, not blue-grey. They look so cute together. Thanks for sharing that. (now we just need to see a pic of Mona!)

I'm still trying to get used to not having a very high-mainenance schedule myself, after years of this, even though it's 5 months already for Nissa's loss. Both she and her brother required lots of care, so I get that. Of course, it's a bigger change for me, as I have no other kids at all left now, so it's sadly ONLY about me now....well, and my H.

If it helps, Nissa really came into her own after her brother's passing, even though they loved each other dearly and she grieved very heavily for a few months. So I'm sure your two will come around just fine after awhile. And as long as Aggie doesn't end up "comfort eating" TOO much!

I'm also sorry about Lister's brother.

[My Buddy]

SO sorry to hear about your loss, Lister and Aggie are very beautiful, love those guys right now....Aggie looks like our old Frank who passed away four years ago, I still miss him all the time. Our prayers and thoughts are with you, Tory, Hrudey's Momma, this site is so helpful!!

[ryancat]

Pam,I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss of Lister.What a beautiful cat he was! I myself love black and white kitties (well,I really love them all) and that is a really cute picture of the two of them together.I know it's hard to adjust to life without one of them but just try to keep things the way they always have been.Cats like routine and I do think that your remaining two kittiew will become closer now that Lister isn't around anymore.My only advice is to love your two kitties as much as you can and give them lots of attention.I hope by knowing that you are not alone that it will help ease your pain just alittle bit.I'll be thinking of you and your kitties........Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[Ken Albin]

By now you've probably figured out the answer to your question. The main thing is to 'talk it out' by expressing your feelings to others who care and can understand a little of what you are going through. I don't know if this is true for everyone but I know that when my furkid died I went through the feelings of the stages of experiencing death that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described. Coming to the final stage of acceptance is difficult and can take months or even years to reach. It often involves a drastic change in your world view and philosophy of life. Some need outside help from a professional to help them through the stages.

I apologize for sounding so clinical in my answer. As a science teacher I tend to talk a little stuffy at times rather than speaking from the heart. In spite of that I hope that some of this made sense and is of help. It is a rough road we who are left behind travel, but at the end of the journey we are better people for having walked it.

Take care,
Ken Albin

[Pamity]

Thanks again to all of you for your comments and support, and thanks for resizing the pic.

Actually I feel that I have already accepted that Lister is gone, I almost lost him 4 years ago to FLUTD so the last 4 years have been a real bonus! I dont feel angry because I know that the vet and I did all we possibly could but at the end of the day if he was ready to go he was ready to go. I'm at peace with that and just feel immense sadness. I know he had a good life and was a happy cat who knew exactly how to make people fall in love with him!


Ok here's a pic of Mona, apologies if it comes out huge again.
Pam

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[AlleysMama]

Mona is beautiful! I think your other cats might grow closer together now that Lister is gone. I know they miss him as much as you do. Cats know more than we think and I believe they know what happened to him.

The only advise I can give is to not try to hold in your feelings. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling, because you feel what you feel and only time can change that. Lister was a big part of your life and its hard to accept that they are never coming back. It does help me to talk about Alley and we would love to hear more about Lister when you feel up to it.

[Moose Mom]

Pam

Wow all your photos are great. Mona and Aggie are so beatuiful, of course Lister just looks so handsome. I'm so happy to hear that Aggie is doing a little better. My Moustache was very high-mainenance, a sick kitty his whole 10 years and demanding. It's been very hard NOT having that in my life. We still have our girl kitty and we adopted a new baby boy kitty, but they ask nicely. I even forgot to feed them one afternoon and not a peep. We almost lost Moose a great many times and feel like each day we had with him was a gift, so I understand when you said that about the last 4 years with Lister. You gave him a great life.

Love

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Pam,

Oh, Mona is just such a sweet, little 'marbley' girl, who looks very confident in herself!

It's a blessing that you can get some peace from your acceptance of how things worked out. You've definitely adopted a healthy viewpoint that should help with your grief. I feel sort of the same about my Nissa, in that we got 6.5 yrs. from the time of her diagnosis with kidney issues (not technically "failure" until only 2 yrs. ago) and so had more years with her than I'd first thought we'd get. She, too, had a pretty wonderful life with us (and w/her bro, before he passed those same 6.5 yrs. earlier), so full of our shared, intense love. It does bring a measure of relief and grati*tude for at least that. But the hardest part remains....going on w/o them and trying to adapt to their huge, daily absence. And for that, I come here, where I can release the feelings in a safe place.

[Pamity]

Thanks again for all your support, it really does help to hear your experiences and I am grateful to everyone who has posted here for me and my girlies.

We are all getting calmer as time goes on and although we are a bit down and miss the boy like crazy there is some semblence of normality returning to the house although I am still weepy when I'm at home. I really must get some waterproof mascara, I look like Alice Cooper!

I still have to go and collect my cat basket from the vets but I cant face that yet, when I lost Rimmer I locked the basket in the boot of my car and it stayed there for about 6 weeks before I could bear to look at it! This time I might send a friend to collect it for me.

I feel rather selfish at the moment and want you all to know that I think your pics are lovely and hearing your stories helps too- I just dont know where to start with individual thanks just now.

Pam