Six Months Without My Furry Options

[Furry's mum]

It was 6 months ago that my darling Furry died from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I can't stop the feelings of guilt - I just keep thinking that if only we had given her the aspirin she was meant to have, but which made her sick, she might still be here with me. Also, when I read here about how many times people have tried different treatments & vets I wonder if we did enough - we only took her once to see the consultant as it was such a long journey for her.
My husband says he remembers her as happy in the garden in the summer, but all I can think of is her lying gasping for breath in her last hour, & I can't even remember if I was talking to her or if I told her I loved her at the end.
I keep looking at websites about the disease & thinking there might have been something else to try, but why do I do it when it's too late for her now?
Would she still be here if we'd kept her indoors & not let her walk about & strain her heart? The Sunday before she died she was out in the garden & caught a mouse & it was this exertion that brought on the saddle thrombosis which paralysed her back legs. But she'd recovered from the same thing in February, so I just kept thinking she would recover again. I so regret going out shopping on her last morning, those few hours of her being here that I missed.
I suppose that the pain has got less, but right now my heart is breaking I miss her so much.
Judith - Furry's mum

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[slbrock59]

Furry's Mom,
I'm so sorry to hear of her passing. Don't worry about whether you told her that you loved her. I'm sure you did. Even so, Furry didn't have to be told. She knew better than anyone. She knows for all eternity. Always remember, she loves you too.
Steve

[shermor]

Judith...your Furry was beautiful. Please don't get yourself caught up in the "what if's"...it only hurts you. You did like most of us using her past health record...she recovered before, she'll recover again. It's OK.

Furry knew she was loved and YOU know she loved YOU as well. I lost my cat Sable just this past Monday. She was with me for 17 1/2 years, so this has been traumatic in many ways, but I'm thankful for every day I had with her.

Hang in there...trust your love for Furry and her love for you. Cry your tears and allow the healing to continue.

Sherli, Sable's Mom

[Moose Mom]

Judith

Oh I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know I've said it before but your Furry was just so beautiful. This photo is just wonderful, outside, on her pillow with a glass of wine What a life!

Furry did know you loved her so, so much. You did your best for her, yes we could always have done more, but sometimes those things would not have been good and caused her more upset or pain. Give yourself a break, guilt is part of grief, feel it and try to move past it. I really believe that every creature chooses it's own time of passing, that no one really goes 'before' their time. Furry chose this time to go, is it possible to respect and honor that?

Your Furry loved you back, I know she did.

Thinking of you and Furry

[Daisy's Mommy]

All the what if's - what if I had fed her differently? What if I had gone to a different vet, tried a different medicine, come home earlier that day, seen the signs earlier? What if I had been more assertive with the vet and on and on

All the regrets - why didn't I pet her more? Why didn't I tell him I loved him more? Why didn't I give her one more treat? Why didn't I let him have that special food that I loved? Why didn't I walk him more? Why didn't I fluff his pillow more?

It is natural to think all these things when a loved one dies. But, I think that these thoughts in a way serve mainly to block out the real thought - the one that is unbearable - My furbaby is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

The what if's are easier to think about than grief and sorrow.

Furry's Mom, you were so clearly a wonderful, loving mom to your furbaby. There is no reason to have regrets.

Best wishes,

Daisy's Mommy

[AlleysMama]

Judith

What a gorgeous darling your Furry was. I too, play the what if game with myself over my Alley, but the fact is, she's gone and beating myself up over it won't bring her back.

Six months must be a hard anniversary to deal with and I'm glad you decided to come here and post again.

I'll be thinking of you and Furry when I light my next "saturday candle" for Alley and all the other furbabies here.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Judith,

It seems that no matter how much we did right for our babies, it never feels like it was 'good enough', or 'enough, period.' And we all want to be exceptions to this common rule, for OUR baby. I, too, have regrets that still can bring up that beastly guilt, but I do try not to dwell on them as best I can, because the only answer for them is that I can't change it now, even if it kills me that I can't. BUT, I can apologize to my girl now and tell her everything I'm feeling about that regret, one at a time, and know that she's hearing me. And sometimes this talking out loud to her also helps me as I get clearer and clearer on everything surrounding that feeling, sometimes so much so that I realize I did have so much love in my heart for her and truly was doing what I thought was the best at the time....or I recognize that my head and heart were so blurred from the pain of the time, that I simply made a mistake, but was still doing the best I could, given my level of pain and confusion, panic and anxiety....and then I know I must work on self-forgiveness, if not now, then at a later date.

You say it was "such a long journey for her" to that consultant. So you were considering her needs and preferences at the time...and that is one mark of love. You say the aspirin "made her sick", so the same type of thing applies. You were using your best judgement at the time and that is love, too. And as a note, I don't even understand such a protocol, because aspirin is not safe for cats and will make them sick, so in my books, you did the right thing in NOT giving it to her. You say your husband "remembers her as happy in the garden in the summer", so perhaps your grief and guilt is muddying the picture in your mind, and if he's correct, then you wouldn't have had much, if any reason to be thinking about other opinions or treatments at the time. We can't made decisions based on hindsight which hasn't arrived yet. There probably is almost always another treatment or opinion to be had, but we're not all super-people who know it all beforehand, nor are all of these different protocols always available to us for one reason or another, anyway. (and that's another form of frustration and guilt....when we find out about them, but can't find them locally!)

You say you can't remember what, if anything, you told her at the end. You're not alone there, as the shock can and often does bury such details. I suffer the same thing. But I do know one thing and that is that the LOVE was still there, words or not, and cats prefer to tune into our hearts and thoughts, more than our words; it's easier and truer than words could be for them. So Furry knew, in her own heart, what yours was 'saying', regardless.

From my perspective, Furry catching a mousie soon before her passing is nothing but a good thing, even if it ended up taxing her body. She was doing what brought her pleasure and continuing to live what was left of her life in as much a normal fashion as she could. Had you kept her inside, don't you think you might now be feeling just as guilty for taking away such pleasures from her, especially in her last, few days? ( I know I would!) And you were basing your decision to allow her to hunt and be outside where she truly and still wanted to be, of her own accord, on the experience you'd had with this in the recent past. What else could you possibly have based your decision on? The unknown future?

As for the shopping, if you couldn't see the future, this is also another futile road to go down with the guilt. IF you had known, you would have stayed home. But you DIDN'T know, and wishing you had will not change anything. It doesn't mean you didn't care. It doesn't mean you didn't love Furry enough. It only means you didn't know what was to come. So if you're not a fortune-teller or prescient, there is no need for this guilt at all.

These are the questions that continue to haunt us, and rear their ugly heads particularly on anniversaries and other important dates. Over time, sometimes a LONG time, they must be dissected so that we can see that we're using them to torture ourselves, unreasonably. And if we find, later on in our process, that we still have some that don't seem unreasonable to carry, no matter how we look at it, and others agree with that assessment, too...the only thing we can do with those particular guilts is to learn from them in whatever ways we can. But to me, your worries and concerns sound like nothing more than self-flagellation, an extremely painful but also rather necessary part of the processes of grieving thoroughly.

Take heart, Judith. Your guilts are valid only if you are, firstly, the most perfect human who ever walked on the face of the earth, AND you meant to do harm, or not care about Furry....and we know that's absolutely not the case. You would overlook any imperfections or supposed lack in Furry, and certainly she would do the same for you, so try to put yourself in her booties and see how unnecessary your guilt is. You were trying to give her normalcy and you were loving her all the while and trying to stay positive even while worrying. You were simply being her mom, and Furry loved her mom, and always will, just as you will always love your furgirl. Your years together mean much more than just that one day.

[radgirl]

don't worry yourself that you didn't talk to her at the end. I did the same for 3 weeks myself!!!

My H and I waited in a parking lot for a half hour before going to the vets office that evening. From knowing Misty so well, we knew what she was going to say before it happened. I, like yo, was in such shock, that I really don't remember talking to him. It wasn't what I pictured myself doing.....it sounds like you feel the same.

I called a few pet loss support hotlines for a few weeks afterwards......one actually said that this is common, but that animals have a strong sense of smell and touch, and that they KNOW we were there at the end. So believe me, Furry knew.

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, Furry was very lucky to have you.....it sounds like you were really there for her, too.

Misty's mama

[jan]

Oh Judith, I am so sorry you lost Furry. What a beautiful girl! Please don't make yourself feel guilty with "woulda, shoulda, coulda" - those will kill your soul.

Furry knows you love her! There is not a doubt in my mind about this. And, she knew you always did the best for her that you could.

Life and love force us to make heartrending choices sometimes. It's not right and it's not fair, but the best thing I've read recently is "we make the choice to take on the pain, so they won't". I don't remember if I read it by someone here or on another board but that is what will help me when my baby goes. And it will be very soon.

I hope those here help you find peace.


Jan

[Precious' mom]

Judith,
I'm coming up on six months without Precious. I do not feel guilt anymore; my guilt came from keeping him alive when he was suffering so much. I miss him like crazy but know he is in a better place. He will always be with me, and is...I feel his presence all the time and Tigger's too (he's been gone almost two months).
Time DOES heal, trust me.
Lisa