One Month Ago, Today, For My Caesar-pup Options

[Amarna]

Caesar, can it be that it was a month ago that we buried you? Even those few words don't seem real, can't be real, can't have happened. Sixteen years of you in our lives, filling our house with your love, still finding bits of your soft, sweet fur I can't even bear to part with... Bits of fur stored away in a box, single wavey pieces of fur that can only be yours... tiny single strands more precious, more rare than diamonds now, more precious to my heart than I ever could have imagined possible. Oh, my beautiful darling Caesar ... bits of you drive me to my knees in sorrow and tears...

One month ago, today. Unspeakable thoughts, breaking hearts, how can a human heart be so fragile?

Eyes that look into your soul. Beautiful button eyes that can no longer see. Eyes that I see in my thoughts, forever boring into my soul. A soft little mouth, a warm little chin resting on my lap...

"Mommy.... why are you crying?"

"Oh, Caesar-pup, mommy just misses you so very, very much..."

"Mommy, I miss you too..."

Oh, Creator of All, please allow me to be as strong as he thought I was....


Caesar, I love you and miss you so very much ~~ Please visit me in my dreams so we may at least have the dream-time together, once more... Caesar-pup, mommy could use one of your puppy-smiles, about now...

[vizsla-angel]

Oh Amarna,
My heart goes out to you on this sad day. I know how much you miss your boy. If there were any way I could take away your sadness for just one moment I would.

Love,
V

[Amarna]

Oh, V, thank you so very, very much for your post. I have read your story on this board as well, and cried with you for the loss of your sweet baby.... I'm here, today...I need this site, today... I need to be "with" people like you today...

It's a bad day... My Caesar loved the snow... he must have taken all the snow with him when he left, this year... Oh, where's the snow and my little boy...

[AlleysMama]

Amarana

Unfortunately we share this sad anniversary, as it was also one month ago today that my Alley kitty was put down. It hardly seems real, I know. Has it really been a month?

I don't know what I would do without this site and the people here.

[Moose Mom]

Amarna

Oh your Caesar was so handsome! I can tell by your post how much you miss him. I'm so sorry you lost him. Gosh I love his name!

We lost our cat, Moustache two months ago. We still have a couple of small bags of his fur, we are going to make a pillow out of it. I know that fur thing, like you get to keep a small bit of them.

Your Caesar loved the snow, My Moose loved the fall and the leaves. He left on October 23 so the leaves were all on the ground. I have a fall leaf on top of his urn. I hope you get some snow, although it will make you cry, it's nice to see the things they loved.

Oh, Creator of All, please allow me to be as strong as he thought I was....

I have said much the same thing to my husband. That Moose would never have left us if he didn't KNOW we could, somehow, handle it. I try to be strong for him but it's so hard. Maybe somehow all of us here help each other to be as strong as our babies thought we were. Right now I don't feel so strong, silly guys didn't you know we weren't even as tough as we thought we were?

Thinking of you and your Caesar
Lori

[Amarna]

Oh, Alleys Mommy, your Alley kitty is so beautiful... Look at that lovely coat...

A month of tears. A month of looking back. We buried our baby a month ago, today, but we said goodbye a month and a day, before. Yesterday and today... a month ago.... A month frozen in time, it seems.

I'm also thinking of you and your dear Alley Kitty today... *hugs* Thanks for your kind words.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Dear Amarna,

Oh, your loving sentiments to and about your boy made me cry even harder than I already am every day. I know how precious that fur is ~ I have a bag of it myself, saved from many of Nissa's weekly grooming sessions, and unfortunately only a tiny amount saved from Sabin's glossy coat...before I'd thought to save more.

Their eyes....the ones that said it all, without words needed. I, too, called Nissa's eyes "beautiful button eyes"....she was my Kitten-Button With The Big, Button Eyes. The soul-gazing between those who loved each other in ways larger than the entire Universe.....yes, you expressed it well.

These 'first' anniversaries are so much harder than mere words can ever express, and I'm so sorry you're right in the midst of your own....not that any other day is necessarily much better...but the calendar seems to mock us with its relentless march forward, when time should have simply stopped, in total honour of our love, our bond and now our pain.

I pray for strength, and dream visits for you, too...and for all of us who love our babies as only we could...the babies who were meant for each of us alone. I also pray to be, and feel, as strong as my precious kidlets always were....so much more than I was or am...this feeble, mere human being.

Rest on those of us who know of what you speak, today and in all the days ahead.

[Amarna]

Lori, thank you for your very kind words about my Caesar. Your picture of Moustache made me smile, with that adorable "moustached" face!! What a cutie! I tried to post a picture of Caesar, but I must be doing something wrong. Can't think straight, today, I guess.

I understand how you must feel about the fall leaves. The fall leaf on the urn is a lovely idea and tribute. My Caesar was born on October 16, and he loved the fall. I can't imagine the Spring without him, as well. How he used to love and revel in each season... It snowed for just a few minutes the day we said goodbye to Caesar, just a couple of hours before... It hasn't snowed before that this season, or since...

Again, thanks for your kind words about my baby. Take care, and *hugs*.

[Amarna]

Furkidlets Mom ~~

How very well said, about the calendar mocking us as time marches forward, unheeding of the tears shed in the name of our oh-so-loved ones...Very, very well said... Thanks for your understanding words. Thanks to all of you, if I don't get a chance to respond to someone I missed. Your words are pondered and the kindness appreciated of each one of you. Just like the words to describe grief, it's also quite impossible to find just the right words to say thanks, as I'm so verbally clumbsy at this time.

[myhrtisbrkn]

Amarna,

Another sad anniversary. I wish I could tell you that month 3 and month 4 would bring fewer tears. Maybe month 5?

It was hard for me to post Macks picture. Your kind words about his beauty, I take as a compliment indeed coming from the Mother of magnificent Caesar, (and Copper, and Alley and Moose, and Hrudy the beauty)

Thank you all for giving me a cyber-shoulder.


Macks Mom,
Dayna

[ryancat]

Amarna,what a beautiful name you have.I,too,am so sorry you have to go thur this pain.We are approaching the 3 month anniversary of losing our boy Sox and I am dreading it.It is soooooooo much harder than I ever thought it would be! Your Caesar knew that you loved him and you gave him a wonderful life.You will see him again some day when it is your time to pass into the next life.I know that doesn't help much when you are left here to miss him and grief for him.My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.I hope you find peace in knowing that we are all thinking of you and reaching out thur cyperspace to you,our friend.My heart is right there with you,hurting and missing our babies.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[Amarna]

Renee, thank you for that. And it does indeed help to hear that I'll see my Caesar again, when it's my time to cross over. Even though we've heard it and read it many times before, it does seem to ease the pain, even if only for an instant, and at this time, we would make an instant last so much longer, if we could. Your beautiful Sox reminds me so much of one of the kitties I knew in my childhood. What a pretty kitty! Three months.... I'm wondering if there will ever be any difference in the number of months that pass, and the feelings these different kinds of "anniversaries" bring. Again, thanks for your kind words. Many blessings to you and your dear Sox.


I love you, Caesar...

[Amarna]

Dear Dayna, Myhrtisbrokn, it was so nice to read your words, here. Thank you. I understand how hard it was to post the picture of your lovely Mack. It was hard the very first time for me, too, knowing the type of topic and site this was, and then choosing to put Caesar's picture here. Not the idea of sharing was hard, but another "first", at something like this. All the "firsts" are so very hard... The "firsts", the daily "first" chores, the "first" events, the "first" holidays, the firsts in life after they are no longer here with us as they were. More "anniversaries" of the mundane that bring more memories, and with them, the inevitable tears that always seem to go along with them. Mack is such a beautiful dog. Look at that coloring! I'm glad you chose to share your baby's picture with the rest of us. The love here, I feel like maybe Caesar guided me to this site. All the "what if's". But the love is never an "if", at least. Love is never, ever doubted. That much we can count on. Blessings to you, Dayna.

[Amarna]

Another month, has passed. Now it's two since I've seen you. Caesar, I miss you so much. I still find bits of your fur which I can't even part with. I've had a few dreams. Thanks for visiting me, if only briefly, and only in the dreamtime. What I wouldn't give to hold you once more, your darling face next to my heart, to feel your beautiful fur coat, even if only for a few seconds. I would make those seconds last for an eternity. My tears seem to need keeshond fur to dry them. Keeshond fur to heal my heart. My Caesar to heal my world. What a precious and rare jewel you were in my life, my Caesar-pup. Two whole months... and it feels like it was only yesterday.... I love you, Caesar.

[AlleysMama]

Amarna,

Tomorrow will be two months also since Alley passed so I do know how you feel. I would give anything just to hold her one more time.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you on this sad anniversary.

[Amarna]

Alley's Mommy ~~

I remember when i read your story and realized that someone else shared practically the very same sad day, last December. I will be thinking of you, tomorrow, as well. Tomorrow is the anniversary of when we laid our beautiful doggie down for a peaceful nap under our willow tree. How long will it take until these monthly anniversaires won't be so painful? Tomorrow is Friday. "That day" was a Friday. If not the date, then the day of the week's rememberance is painful. Weekly, monthly....daily. Hourly. 4:45.... Are you feeling any different, now, than two months ago, where the pain is concerned? I still cry every day. Sometimes, much more than others, but tears have dropped every day, since. I keep thinking that I should have felt much more healing by now. And in some ways, I guess I do. After all, I have not felt the sick knot in my stomach at the feeling that I betrayed my baby, for a few weeks, now. Not the sick feeling, anyway. But I still do feel so much guilt and terrible sadness at what we did. They say we should feel like we did them a favor, but I don't feel that way. I would tell others that they did the right thing, but why don't I feel this way for myself? .........

Thank you for your thoughts, Alley's Mommy. Your kitty, Alley, is so very lovely..... I really like your tribute picture of Alley. Well done, my friend.

Amarna

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[Amarna]

I miss you, Baby....

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[Furkidlets' Mom]

Amarna,

Gawd....Caesar is SUCH a gorgeous boy...he takes my breath away, and those are really fabulous picures of him!

One month tomorrow.....it's gonna be hard, for sure. They all are, usually for at least the first year, depending on who you are and the environment you're in. The grief 'experts' say a loss is, on average, grieved for anywhere from 2-5 years, sometimes less or more, depending on many factors. I'm heading towards my 6th month now and it doesn't seem like that long AT ALL. I still cry almost every day, too...just for smaller periods each day....usually. And if I don't cry one day, or maybe even two, it all seems to rather catch up to me and I cry even harder the next day, to 'make up' for the break.

I say, if you've had ANY 'success' in only the first month, you're doing fine with your grief. Give yourself the credit you're due for that, but don't expect overly much from yourself yet. You need much more time and work to heal. Remember, it's a process, not a quick fix, and processes usually take time, and work.

The guilt....same thing. It's always different when it strikes US, rather than someone else. To us, it's personal, so not as easy to overlook in ourselves. I don't mean to be disheartening, and keep in mind my cir%%stances were different than yours, but I took years to get over the guilt I had about our Sabin. Yet with Nissa, it's much different, because so were the cir%%stances, and so were my decisions and actions. For Nissa, there's very little and they're not nearly as seemingly insurmountable or huge as they were for Sabin's passing. It took a LOT of work for the ones over him. But I learned from that, and so will you.....over time, and work.

Just feel whatever you feel and be aware of your thoughts and feelings....especially your feelings. In the first year, most of our griefwork is about just feeling. It has to be, because we're hurting too badly to leave room for much else. Just be however you are, even though it stinks. And do something personal tomorrow to commemorate your beautiful, precious Caesar, and if that brings you more tears, or even a ti*tch of peace for an instant or two, so BE it. Treat yourself as you would have your beloved boy, with gentleness and tenderness, compassion and love. You'll get through it, tough as it may be. Thinking of you (and Alley's Mama)....

[myhrtisbrkn]

After Death
by Edwin Arnold

" Farewell master, yet not farewell,
Where I go, ye, too shall dwell,
I am gone before your face,
A moments time, a little space,
When ye come where I have stepped
We will wonder why we wept"


It's so hard, Amarna. Sometimes grief creeps up, and knocks me back on my heels when I least expect it, and on anniversaries when I do expect it.

your Caesar was sooo...beautiful. I'm so sorry that you lost him, but I envy the time you had with him.

Take care,
Dayna

[Moose Mom]

Amarna

Oh the photos of your Caesar are so wonderful, he was soooo handsome, so regal. Ceasar was a great name for him, he was an emperor. I'm so sorry on this anniversary, they are hard.

It's three months for me, and I still cry every day. Not all day for sure but at least once a day I can count on tears falling. I was watching tv this morning and something someone said had me in such tears. About how we never know which birthday is the last and we should never take them for granted. My baby passed just 3 weeks before his birthday, we were looking forward to it, planing it, god. Now I'm sobbing again.

How long will it take until these monthly anniversaires won't be so painful?

Well the cycle won't be complete for a year. I lost a baby 10 years ago and each month was hard for the first year. Plus the other 'firsts' the first birthday, holiday and so on. The monthly anniversarys do get better, the yearly ones haven't for me.

I'm seeing that Mondays aren't so hard for me anymore, I even forgot one (Monday is my 'friday"). It's seems to me that the healing process is one of just one day looking at it and then knowing it's somewhat better. Not any big thing but little things. I feel more calm most times, I have accepted things better, and I'm not reliving that awful night so much. Baby steps. Same thing with the guilt, someone said we take on the pain so they don't have to. Maybe that will give you some comfort. You did your best and loved him so. Looking at that gorgeous face I know how much you must miss him.

Love