Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[Ken Albin]

It's the hardest thing we will ever do and it would bother me even more if it wasn't a difficult decision. On some deep level you probably realize that it was best for Shep to say goodbye. Sometimes we want to hold on longer than is humane just out of our own feelings of love and not wanting to let go. These feelings are normal and expected but you still need to step back and try to look objectively at the quality of life Shep had that led to this decision. It is up to us to decide for our beloved furkids when to end the pain. It's all part of the silent pact we made with them when taking them into our homes and loving them. When there is nothing else to do medically to relieve their pain this is our last means to help them avoid needless pain and loss of the quality of life they enjoyed for years.

We are currently battling old age with our bunny Sir Francis. He has a damaged heart valve and enlarged heart. We have done all that is possible for him. He is now on medication to buy him some time and improve his heart functioning. I know there may come a time where we have to make that final decision when all has been done that can be done and his quality of life is no longer enough to balance the problems of old age and time. We will do what we have to do then and say goodbye to our little guy. He deserves no less.

Ken Albin

[Daisy's Mommy]

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I could say that the pain goes away in time, but it doesn't. It does, however, get less acute.

When our furbabies are terminally ill or at the end of their life and are also in pain, the most loving thing we can do is to help them leave this earth without fear and extra pain.

The time is right, I believe, when you, as a person, would want to die if you were in the same condition as your pet.

Unless an animal is screaming in agony, it is impossible to really believe that we are making the right medical decsion, but if the decision is made with love and without self-interest, I believe that the decision is morally correct.

You were there with Shep during his last moments, ensuring that he left without fear and demonstrating your great love for him. Your grief now is the price we all pay for having enjoyed the wonderous bond we share with our furbabies.

There is no easy way to say good-bye to someone we love so much.


Daisy's Mommy
Grieving since April 1, 2006, after almost 12 years of love and joy.

[Kim R.]

You did the right thing.
It has been quite some time since my last post here at LS. I have tried my best to 'wean' myself from it, but with the end of yet another year without my baby, I have found myself wandering back from time to time....then I read your post and my heart just broke...I had to reply. It has been 2 1/2 years since I had to make that dreaded decision for my best girl, Sasha...I am still haunted by it to this day and I just can't let go of the guilt. Sasha was 16 years old, and like your Shep, had a failing body. She was crippled with arthritis, which we kept under reasonable control with several meds/supplements, but when the DM hit her (a disease that causes slow paralysis), her mobility became even worse...she could barely walk on her own. I knew that if I didn't make that choice for her she would most certainly suffer complete paralysis and that would be a very traumatic and stressful event for her. Prior to having my daughter, I was a vet tech for many years and I saw so many animals suffer beyond what I considered humane because the owners just couldn't let go....because of that, I always promise her that I would never let her suffer....I had to keep that promise no matter what the cost. I will forever carry all the 'what if's'. What if I would have waited just a little longer...maybe she would have died on her own. What if I would have waited a little longer...that 'new treatment' just might have worked for her. What if she wasn't ready to go yet....does she forgive me and know that I did it because I love her so very much<here come the tears>. I would give anything to have that day back, yet, for her sake, I'm glad I can't. I know that I chose that moment for a reason. Although my memory likes to play tricks on me and have the truth be clouded when I second guess how bad she really was (thank God my husband is here to remind me), I know that I was following my heart and I did what I did for her because I love her so much. I would have NEVER let her go for any other reason than because it was what was best for her....why on earth else would I have done it! I have to trust 'in the moment'. I have to trust that at that moment I knew that she was no longer happy (although I too am haunted by the look in her eye at the time, and even though we had her sedated first, I heard a very faint whine as the fianl injection was given. I have had a really hard time with that because I feel like she was trying her best to say "NO!".... and I can never take it back. My husband tries to comfort me by saying 'even if she wasn't ready (which he thinks is far from the truth and said he thinks she was ready way before then) she is now in a beautiful place that she wouldn't trade for all the world and wouldn't have it any other way'....I certainly hope so). Even after all this time I miss her more than words can say, and I still have cry fests. This is the third Christmas without her and I still couldn't bare to close the decoration box wih her stocking still in it, so I hung it with all the rest....not a word was said...everyone knows how I feel about my best girl. She was my special girl...my canine soulmate...and I'll never know a love like that again. I have other animals, but they aren't my Sasha, so it's not the same. People say it hurts the same either way, but I know myself, and I know that I would have been able to accept her death had she gone naturally. That isn't to say I would miss her any less, I'm just saying that I wouldn't have to wonder whether or not it was her time....I wouldn't feel like I murdered my child....I don't think I will ever forgive myself...I will carry this guilt and pain to my grave...but the funny thing is that even after 2 1/2 years of total hell without her, I would do it all again if given the chance...go figure....


I know its time for me to go,
it's tearing you apart
so,Mommy, let me send these thoughts
directly to your heart.

I followed you for 16 years
with love and loyalty
because I always knew
you'd do the very best for me.

I thank you for the efforts
that you made to ease my pain
but the years have since caught up with me
and now it's all in vain.

So now I look into your eyes,
beyond into your soul
I ask you to make this choice for me
and once more make me whole.

You're giving me a special gift,
please look at it as such
As much as I would like to stay
the pain is just too much.

Please understand just what this gift
you're giving means to me
it gives me back the strength I've lost
and all my dignity.

So cut the ties that hold me here,
I just can't wait to run
for all the suffering to end,
to once again be young.

So one last time I'll lay with you and
through your hands I'll feel
the strength that you have found
within to grant me this appeal.

I'm not afraid so do not weep,
I know what waits for me
a beautful place of cloudless skies and
endless fields of green.

I'll be there watching over you,
your ever faithful friend
and visit in your dreams
at night a young dog once again.

Sasha,
I can never repay
you for all you gave to me.
My life was forever changed having known you,
loved you, lost you.
No other has, or ever will,
hold a candle to you, for you are my canine soulmate.
I'll see you in my dreams, sweet Sasha.

You are painfully missed my most sweet girl....
Love-Mommy

[ryancat]

Dear Shep's mom,I am so sorry for your loss.I am so glad you have found this place.It is a wonderful forum and everyone here is going thur the same thing that you are.The feelings you are having right now are totally normal.You did the right thing...I know it's hard to accept that but you did.I know what your going thur because I had to go thur the same thing back in Oct. My kitty Sox had feline diabetes and kidney failure.We had to make the decision to put him to sleep and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.I thought my heart would rip out.....But,sweetie you did what was best for him.He was in pain and was living his life in a failing body that would certainly fail him.You chose to end his pain and he is not mad at you for doing that.....he loved you and he knew that you did what was best for him.I know that's hard to accept but when we take on a pet we take with it the responsibilty to do what's best for them.You had a long life with your boy Shep and the pain you are going thur right now is unbearable.It will get easier to deal with as time goes by and you will be able to look back on his life with smiles instead of tears.It's going to take some time so you need to be gentle with yourself.Please stop feeling guilty that you did something wrong because you didn't.You did what you had to do.Your sweet boy wouldn't want you to feel this way.Can you tell us a little bit about your boy Shep? I would love to see a picture.Feel free to come here as often as you need to.We all understand your pain because we are going thur the same thing.My thoughts and prayers are with you.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)

[myhrtisbrkn]

[SIZE=7]
Dear Sheps Mom,
I am so sorry for your loss. The sad truth is that when we are this bonded to a beloved pet the loss is unbearable whatever the cir%%stances.
Sept 2, we lost our magnificent 8 year old lab-cross, Mack, to hemangiosarcoma, a horrible cancer that swept through him like wildfire. I had driven him across Texas to see a specialist only to have her tell me the cancer had spread to his lungs, and the humane thing to do would be to euthanize him.
In despair, I called my family vet who said "get them to transfuse him (hs causes bleeding), and bring him home. We can keep him comfortable, and if we are lucky he may die peacefully at home."
So I took him home to his Dad, I watched him every second for signs that he was in pain, and he rested comfortably at home about a week, then closed his eyes in my arms one night, and was gone. My final prayer for him had been answered, yet we were devastated.
Four months later, I still miss him every hour, I still shed tears every day. I was prepared to euthanize my beautiful Mack to spare him pain. Only the certainty that I did the right thing for him eases mine.
You did the right thing for Shep. That is the covenant we enter into with our pets. Because they can't chose, we must chose for them according to our best judgement, no matter the cost to us, and the rest is in the hands of the creator.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, until you and your sweet dog are reunited, in the sweet hereafter.
Sincerely,
Dayna

[sheps mama]

To everyone who has replied to my post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (i'm not sure how to reply individually so this is to all of you). I am in Scotland and it is around 9 a.m at the moment and I have just woken up after a fitful night. The moment I opened my eyes this morning it all came back to me like a kick in the guts - no seconds of merciful memory loss. Then I remembered that I may have some replies and logged on. Your kind words have helped me enormously, I cant tell you how much. It really helps to know that other people completely understand how I am feeling (utterly insane and like I'll never be the same again) and this is a comfort in itself.

I think what's eating me up is the fact that although the vet said to euthanise Shep over a month ago, and my partner has been slowly trying to get me to think about doing it since then (he is as crazy about Shep as me), when the day came (Sat 30th dec) it was me who said "phone the vet." We hadn't really been speaking the day before because he was trying again to get me to agree to call the vet and I had been ignoring him in the vain hope that he would stop. He spent most of the day quietly ignoring me in the house and when I asked him what was wrong he would just say that I wasn't helping by ignoring the issue. My problem was that although Shep had clearly lost his sparkle, it came back now & then and he would bounce about for a little bit. As I have said, it was his body that was letting him down - nothing else. He had osteo-arthritis and had been treated for it for around 5 years. His eyes are an amazing blue colour and on that morning they were just so bright. He was still responding to us, but his back end was wobbly and unstable - he would often trip going down the stairs or just out on his walks. But to me, he was still fine. So in a way I feel that I ended Shep's life too early because my partner and I weren't speaking. I feel that in the end it was me who rushed it along because i called the vet to see if they could come to the house, and it was me who said to go ahead. Shep was lying on his blanket dozing when they arrived and as he was going deaf, didn't notice when they came into the room. The vet seemed to take this as a sign that he was unresponsive but I told her that he was just a bit deaf. He allowed them to shave his paw for the needle and didn't struggle. But I feel that this is because he trusted us and as I was there holding him, he knew I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him....but I did. I'll never forget how he looked at me as it happened, as if to say "how could you? I'm not ready for this , can't you see that I'm okay for a while yet?" This is gnawing away at me constantly and I don't think that anyone can make me feel different about this part.
Now, my partner and I are dealing with his loss differently - he wants to go away somewhere and I don't. I want to be at home where Shep spent practically all of his last year (he used to come everyhere with us all of the time) as he became older and less mobile. This is causing tension as he wants to get out & about but I am in tears every other moment and can't control this. I don't want to be around people when I could "crack up" at any moment.

So Danya, Renee, Kim R, Daisy's Mommy, & Ken Albin - thank you for taking the time to try to help me and thank God I found this site. Your words are some comfort to me whilst my emotions are still so raw. Thank you,
Debbie,
Shep's mama.

[ShermansMom]

Oh Debbie, I know just how you feel. I had my precious Sherman put to sleep on Nov. 10th. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. At first I felt a terrible guilt (that is a part of the grieving process). I now know that I did what was best for him. If we do not do this, we are not prolonging their lives but it is prolonging their deaths and their suffering. Perhaps the look you were given was one of "Thank You" for giving me this last gift of unselfish love.

God Bless you...

[sheps mama]

Sherman's mom, thank you for your kind thoughts. I just hope it starts to get easier soon. I hope you are on the road to feeling better too.
Thanks,

Debbie
Sheps mama

[JOANNE]

Shep's mom, so sorry for your loss. It has been almost 6mos since my Bichon Raggs had to be put to sleep. I know how you feel about wondering if you should have waited longer and I still get that feeling off and on. My Raggs was sufferring the ravages of age (almost 16) but I also wonder if I should have just waited and let him die on his own but the worse thing I could not stand was to see him hurting and not being able to do anything about it. I guess we all especially the ones of us that had to chose euthanasia will always feel some guilt like we played God. With my dog Ginger before Raggs she died in my arms of heart failure but if she had not died that night I was going to have her put to sleep that day. Look and listen to kim's words she always makes you feel better and the poem she wrote (wonderful Kim and so glad to see Sasha's picture and hear your words again .)
Shep's mom We never have our furbabies long enough. And when our pets or even our human's die guilt is part of the grieving procees. Continue posting and you will see you are normal. I stay away for awhile or do not post much but it seems to help keep Raggs alive.
Thinking of you and of everyone with your loss.
Joanne(Raggs Mom)

[boatlady13]

Sheps Mama:

Let me give you an abbreviated version of the nightmare I had with Miss Ellie from not putting her down when I felt is was necessary. I listened to everyone but my dog and she suffered because of it. I should have put her down on Dec. 22 so we both didn't have to go through this:

I feel I betrayed my dog when she quit breathing during her heart attack and i did mouth to mouth and she came back. She came back with a stroke and i feel so guilty I tried to save her when she had been suffering from heart disease and kidney failure. It just tore my heart out to see her so air hungry that I had to help her breathe. She gave me a wierd look when she came back like why the heck did you do that I was at the rainbow bridge waiting to go over!

How utterly stupid and foolish of me to prolong her sufferning by giving her mouth to mouth. The visions of her being air hungry are haunting me and I just wanted her to be comfortable. I stroked her head with water and blew on her face then she quit breathing and I started giving little puffs of air to save her. When she was still air straved and couldn't get up, i decided she was suffering so much to take her to the 24hour ER clinic that WAS thankfully open on the christmas holiday at midnight. It was a nightmare and the guilt of causing her to live one more minute while suffering has haunted me for days. I should have let her just die in my arms and it was mean for me not to let go of her and make her live another 45 minutes of suffering. I pray she forgives me as I just wanted to make her feel better.

You see I resolved to put her down after she came back from mouth to mouth because she came back fragmented, unwhole, a paralized mess. How cruel of my family and me to not put her down when her interest in life quit, when she couldn't eat for 2 days and couldn't take her medicine to control her heart. No her dad said we couldn't put her down on Christmas so I listened to what made sense at the time. I didn't want to put her down and what did we do but cause her to suffer in the end. Her poor little face struggling to breathe is one of my last memories of my loving little dog. Know you did what was right your dog didn't suffer one minute. Be thankful you aren't left with memories of causing your best friend to suffer longer than he should have.

The decision is so hard and I fear I waited too long because of the holiday to mercifully end my dogs suffering.

[Kim R.]

Debbie,

My problem was that although Shep had clearly lost his sparkle, it came back now & then and he would bounce about for a little bit. As I have said, it was his body that was letting him down - nothing else.  He was still responding to us, but his back end was wobbly and unstable - he would often trip going down the stairs or just out on his walks. But to me, he was still fine

Oh my God...it's as though I wrote these words myself. This is what I keep telling myself about my Sasha. That she would still wag her tail and still have moments where she would squeak her toys. She still ate, drank, went outdoors to do her business. To put this in words it would sound like I 'killed' a perfectly healthy animal that limped every now and then.....I know that is far from the truth and I know it is for Shep ,too. The good moments did exist, but they were far outweighed by the bad...that is when the choice must be made...and by your own admission his sparkle came back 'now & then'....is that the way our babies deserve to carry on after all they gave to us? We like to focus on the 'good moments' that our babies had and fixate all of our guilt on that. You would have never put your baby to sleep just because you and your partner weren't speaking.....that is that evil guilt well at work. It is impossible to humor the idea that anyone who loves Shep as much as you do would ever choose to let him go out of convenience or to 'fix' a rift in your relationship...that is just silly.

he trusted us and as I was there holding him, he knew I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him....but I did. I'll never forget how he looked at me as it happened, as if to say "how could you? I'm not ready for this , can't you see that I'm okay for a while yet?" This is gnawing away at me constantly and I don't think that anyone can make me feel different about this part.

No, your right, I know first hand that there is nothing that anyone can ever say to make you feel better about this....I still carry that moment with me after all this time...but the truth is that they trust us...whatever that choice is. They know that we would never do anything but the best for them, and they know that if we decide they would be better with God until we can see them again (which is just a heartbeat away for them since there is no time in Heaven...to them it is like we just ran to the store and will be right back ), then they will embrace that decision and wait for us. The only thing you 'let happen to him' is the release of pain and discomfort...even if he did have his good moments now and then, to them that isn't good enough. There are so many different facets to our lives...we have family, work, friends. We have lives full of so many different experiences and daily situations that make our lives so full....but our babies lives consist of only us....we are what makes their lives full. The moments they live for are when we come home from work, when we lie with them on the couch to watch a movie, when we go with them on walks and let them go on 'special trips' with us....it is all about us. When they are robbed of their physical comfort they no longer find the joy they once did in those things....then they are only living for our touch, our voice, our comforting presence that makes them feel better...as beautiful as that is, it is not fair for them. Once their mobility is taken away, although their spirit may remain in tact, it is forever broken....and remember that they don't view death in a sad, negative way like we do...to them it is just a transition, so they don't fear it. They embrace the chance to be 'reborn'....to be young and healthy again. You did the most selfless thing you could have done for Shep. You sacrificed your own heart...you signed up for a lifetime of sadness...to spare your boy another ounce of pain. Even if you feel like he could have 'been okay for a while yet', the worst was yet to come and you spared him of that. My husband asks me 'when would have been the right time? When she was dragging herself around, pooping and peeing all over herself?' The point he is trying to get across to me is that she wasn't going to get better, only worse, and if I did let her go too soon, all I did was spare her from that horrible mental picture, and although I would have given anything to know just how long she had before she got to that point, it was a luxury I didn't have, so I had to do what was best at that time. It is just the same for Shep. When they get up in age like that, there is nothing that can turn back time. When their problems are age related, we can't turn back the clock. All we can do is make it as comfortable as possible for them and then be brave enough to know when enough is enough....and we all know in our own way.
I certainly hope that your journey throught the grief process is much more kind to you than mine has been for me....if I could only absorb my own words.....

[xrayspex]

It has always amazed me how we exult our pets to levels of human understanding. Nobody truly "knows" a pet like their guardian. Our babies body language, the subtle but oh so different sounds they make......misunderstand and inaudible by all those people we know so well here as the group that "just doesn't get it". You know the type...the type we all detest being around...especially this time of year! But back to "reading our babies".....

He allowed them to shave his paw for the needle and didn't struggle. But I feel that this is because he trusted us and as I was there holding him, he knew I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him....but I did. I'll never forget how he looked at me as it happened, as if to say "how could you?

I can read my babies like a book....my wife can too. I believe this is one of the abilities we as guardians over the domestic population of furbabies are gifted with in an endeavor to understand them better. This is where we leave the "don't get it bunch" in the dust. This gift to us though, in my humble opinion, comes at an extremely high price. I sense great guilt in your post as have others. You realize by the posts here and from others that guilt is playing a major factor in your intense emotional pain right now. It is if you will, one side of the double edged sword. The abomination, guilt, being a product of the grief cycle...is also a testament I believe TO our babies.....a testament to the deep undying love we shower our babies with. Guilt...is a human emotion. I don't believe the the animal population as a whole has ever felt it. But it is....and YOU ARE a testament to why you have been given the glorious priviledge of being the gaurdian to this grand creature....Shep. Your understanding on a "human emotional level" of Shep IS the other side of that sword. Your perception that you have injured him in trust has led you to believe you have violated him in some way....but you are the one that has taken him by the hand....OK paw....to meet his Creator screaming all the while on the inside because YOU are the also the one that has loved, cared, nurtured, and cried a great bounty of tears over him. Who could contest that! Please don't you see? It's time to lay down that sword. YOU HAVE TRIUMPHED! You have taken one of the Creators great creatures to the completion of its mortal life cycle. Put your guilt aside. Waste no more time on that hideous monster. You know you loved him...so do we know that too.

Take care of yourself, Be kind to yourself
Remember...YOU have been given a gift...you ARE one the Gaurdians

[Ken Albin]

The one thing you need to get past is that you didn't "do anything to Shep". What you did was the last caring thing you could do FOR Shep. Our furkids can't tell us when they are feeling pain and it's a part of nature that they try to hide any weakness and pain from others. In the wild an injured animal is easy prey for others. Though they are our indoor furkids now they still retain that aspect of nature. Given the arthritis Shep had and the extreme difficulty walking, he was probably experiencing a lot more discomfort than he was showing you. Yes, he probably could have existed for another few months or even a year, getting slowly worse until he could only lie there. Knowing when it's time is a judgment that you have to make with the advice of your vet and those close to you. Though not infallible our vets can usually look at the situation more dispassionately than we can and can be a valuable asset when deciding when to say goodbye. From what you said all those around you felt that Shep did not have a good quality of life.

Our furkids live in the present moment. They don't look ahead to see months of failing health and pain. It's our role to do that for them and make the tough decisions on their behalf. When Daddy Cat was diagnosed with multiple tumors and was in pain, the vet basically said that there was nothing she could do for him. Daddy Cat was just happy that we were visiting him at the clinic. He could not see what he would be experiencing over the next few weeks if I had delayed euthanasia. I had to be strong enough to make the decision to help him avoid this future suffering. I did it as you did, with love and knowing that there was nothing medically to help him further. I don't think that either Daddy Cat or Shep would have wanted to live doped up with drugs to dull the pain. That would not be much of a life. I could have probably kept Daddy Cat alive for another month or so. With surgery and chemotherapy I could possibly have kept him alive for another 6 months. It would have been a life filled with increasing pain and suffering. Our guys deserve better than that after all of the years of love they have given us. I would rather take on the pain of making that decision and the doubts and second guessing that I did it at the right time. You just do the best you can in these things with advice from those around you. If it's a decision made out of love and caring for him and the vet concurs, it is the right decision. Beating yourself up emotionally over making the decision will not help anyone. Shep is not feeling pain any more. He is at peace now. Give yourself permission to feel at peace after helping him.

Take care,
Ken Albin

[AlleysMama]

Debbie,

I too, have second-guessed myself and felt so guilty over having my little girl Alley put down on December 9th. The one thing that gets me through it, is to read and re-read (I know I shouldn't) the articles about her disease that mention how painful it would have been for her, had I not made that decision. As much as it hurts to lose her, I couldn't have lived with the fact that she would have suffered had I not done it. For that, she would have blamed me, she wouldn't have understood. I can only hope, that in making the decision I did, to let her go peacefully and pain-free, that she does understand, and forgive me.

You did what was right for Shep and in the end, that is ALL that matters. Does it hurt us? More than anything. I will always have a hole in my life where Alley was, but she is still in my heart, and my suffering is small price to pay, to prevent hers.

[Moose Mom]

Oh Debbie

I'm so sorry you lost your Shep. He sounds wonderful. It's so hard to lose them. I know you are filled with guilt right now, I hope the other posts have helped you, they are very profound. I just have a couple of things I'd like to say.

First know that the first week is the hardest. While it does get some better it is a slow and painful process. When a loved one dies our reality changes. We never "get over it" or 'get back to normal" we just learn to live in the new reality. Without them.

Know you did the best for Shep, that you loved him the best you could. Let the guilt go. Take care of yourself, whatever your partner wants. We lost our Moustache kitty on October 23rd. I couldn't even stand people on tv to be happy for a while. If they were I had to change the channel. Let whatever you are feeling be okay, okay?

Thinking of you and your Shep
Lori

[Kim R.]

Ken,
I just had to say thank you for your reply. I read and re-read it several times through tearful eyes and I could feel a tremendous weight lifting each time. Something about your words, although not even directed toward me, has reached me in a way no others have. I can't say how I will feel tomorrow, but for now...for the first time ever...I can see what it might feel like to forgive myself....

[Daisy's Mommy]

The thought that helps me the most and I am being repet*itive is that Daisy, like Shep and all of our furbabies, would have lived and died whether I had known her or not. She was on this earth already, with a congenital liver defect and the life expectancy of a dog with such a condition, when I met her. (She actually outlived her life expectancy by many years)

So, if I had never met her, she would still be gone now and I would not be in pain. But, by knowing her:

I was able to give her a wonderful, meaningful life in which she was loved.
She was able to pass away in my arms, hearing how much I loved her.
And, of course, I had the opportunity to love and be loved by such a wonderful, beautiful soul.



Daisy's Mommy

[Kim R.]

The thought that helps me the most and I am being repet*itive is that Daisy, like Shep and all of our furbabies, would have lived and died whether I had known her or not. She was on this earth already, with a congenital liver defect and the life expectancy of a dog with such a condition, when I met her. (She actually outlived her life expectancy by many years)

How very true that is! I never really thought about it that way, but when I do, it gives me a great sense of comfort and pride. I was able to give my girl the life that all furbabies deserve, yet, sadly, few receive. There is no telling where she could have ended up (since I found her as a shivering, wet, ball of fur huddled in the corner of a pen at our local animal shelter), and I am eternally grateful that it was with me....thank you for this comforting thought....

[sheps mama]

I am so thankful and grateful that there are people out there as crazy about their animal family as me. I am deeply, deeply touched by your comforting words and your desire to help me through this hell - it couldn't have come at a better time. Last night was the worst so far. My partner is giving me the silent treatment because he is climbing the walls from hanging around the house with me. He says he wants to be with me through this but I now feel he is punishing me for not being able to react in the way he would like (go away on holiday for a few days!). We had a terrible arguement last night and I went mental , literally. I was screaming like a crazy woman, trying to explain that this was no help to me. I drove off into the night and just cried and cried. I miss my baby so much that there is a hole in my heart and it just seems to be getting bigger.
Then i logged on and read your posts - the sun is slowly getting over that mountain.
[Our furkids can't tell us when they are feeling pain and it's a part of nature that they try to hide any weakness and pain from others. In the wild an injured animal is easy prey for others. Though they are our indoor furkids now they still retain that aspect of nature. Given the arthritis Shep had and the extreme difficulty walking, he was probably experiencing a lot more discomfort than he was showing you.]
Ken, your words struck home to me as a nature lover. They made me realise that he probably was in more pain than he let on. Thank you for making me understand this. John, your way of describing guilt as part of the grieving process is making me understand I have to go through this in order to come out the other side - if only I could remember this after I have logged off!
Kim, I really relate to your story - and your words are more appreciated than you could know. Everyone here has been fantastic - most of my own family are lost for words to comfort me but at least here I know that you all understand exactly what I am experiencing. It's good to know that you have been where I am and are still out there, helping others come to terms with the passing of a beloved animal. Don't you sometimes wish that you weren't so sensitive? That it really didn't upset you this much? Since Shep's passing, I have vowed that i will never have another animal share my life becasue it is just too painful when you need to let them go. But I hope this changes - my life is full of memories of this great creature - in fact, I can't remember not having him. Like the time we went on holiday to the north of Scotland and it was very cold at night. We were in a log cabin and Shep had had a haircut the day before. He crept under the covers with me and lay alongside me the whole night - he was like an electric blanket!! An eight stone, five foot (on his back legs) Old English Sheepdog in a single bed with me and my partner. In the morning he refused to get up. We tucked him in bed and took a picture of him - he looks the the wolf who had just eaten granny (little red riding hood)! These are the things that I will try to hold on to now. Thanks again for all your expressions of love and empathy. I could stay here all day reading your posts as they help me enormously, but as you guys are on the other side of the world, you are probably sleeping now. Until tomorrow, thank you again and again.

Debbie
Sheps mama