Thats It Im Having A Breakdown!, Finally lost the will!!!!!!! Options

[babybear2005]

In one afternoon i have finally lost the will to live, I dont want to feel like this anymore and i cant see an end to it all. Not one person around me seems to understand how i feel!!!! My partner keeps asking me whats wrong every 2 mins (you would think he would have guessed!!) and i hate everybody and everything i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep, everywhere on my body hurts my hips my back my neck my head and my chest, i have had a lot of humans die in my life and i have no family around me but none of that ever hurt as much as this!!!! I now what everything gone that was his every last piece i dont want to see anything that was his!!!!!!! i just cant bring myself to move it all!!!!!!! i want a big black hole to swollow me up, and take me away from all of this i dont want to hurt anymore i just cant take anymore of this!!!!!!!!

[dlima]

Babybear,
You are definately not alone!!!!! I know it must seem that way when your partner doesnt understand. I am living alone and trying to cope with the loss of both my kitties, read my 2 kitties are gone, Tinky and Millie. But I also know from first hand experience that it can be more lonely when you are living with someone who doesnt get it. Hang in there, I promise it will get better. Be gentle with yourself, the way you are feeling is very normal. We all are going through that or have gone through it. I feel your pain honey as if it were my own. I have been through it with humans so many times. Although this is my first with pets. But I know from the past that feeling the pain is the only way to get over the pain. And you will get over it. In your own time, in your own way you will heal and feel better. I know it doesnt seem that way. But please know that you are not alone, come to this board as often as you can. You must have friends who understand? And we are your friends too. Please e-mail me privately if you want or on the board, I will always answer you.
Hang in there I will say a special prayer from you but YOU WILL BE OK.
Take care of yourself honey. We love you.
Deb
Mom of Tinky and Millie

[mom2adoxie]

Oh sweetie, you aren't alone. There are people here who completely understand the way you are feeling. Perhaps you should consider seeing a physician for some meds for depression and/or anxiety. Even if it's just for a little while.

I'm so sorry you are in such a bad place right now.

(((HUGS)))

Julie

Frankie 2/14/02-9/7/05

[PHIL LONNE]

BABYBEAR,

YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE. YOU ARE STILL VERY NEW TO YOUR LOSS AND YOUR BAD SYMPTOMS ARE VERY HIGH NOW. DEPRESSION IS A GIVEN WHEN WE LOSE OUR PET LOVES. IT'S BEEN 3 MONTHS NOW FOR ME AND I STILL SUFFER (BAD DREAMS , RUMINATING THOUGHTS AND MORE) SURE PEOPLE SAY DUMB THINGS BUT REALLY THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE COULD SAY THAT CAN LESSEN THE SUFFERING OF GRIEF.

I BELIEVE WE HOLD ON TO OUR PETS THROUGH THE PAIN , AS IF IT WERE THE LAST WAY WE CAN SHOW OUR LOVE. IT WON'T BE UNTIL WE ARE READY TO LET GO OF THIS PAINFUL "CONNECTION" THAT WE START GETTING BETTER. IT'S FUNNY HOW WE DID'NT THINK ABOUT THEM 100% OF THE TIME THROUGH THE YEARS BUT NOW THAT THEY'VE PASSED THEIR THOUGHT OCCUPIES OUR MIND TOTALLY. THATS NOT TO SAY WE TOOK THEM FOR GRANTED, AND WHEN WE THOUGHT ABOUT OUR PETS THERE WAS NO EMOTIONAL PAIN (WHEN THEY WERE HEALTHY OF COURSE) IT'S NOT UNTIL THIS ENDS THAT WE ARE BETTER. AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME THAT'S NOT REALLY SOON TO HAPPEN. WE MUST COME TO AN EMPASS WHERE ACCEPTANCE OCCURS. IT WILL FOR YOU, AND ME.

YOU'LL START GETTING SICK OF FEELING EMOTIONALLY "SICK" YOU ALREADY SAID "SICK OF THIS", NOW YOU'VE GOT TO DECIDE IF YOU CAN ~LET GO~ OF THE PAINFUL CONNECTION. YOU WILL IN TIME, NO MATTER WHAT. I LOST BOTH PARENTS (YOUNG) AND WE ALL SAY THESE PETS LOSSES ARE "WORSE" , WELL MAYBE ONE REASON IS THAT WE DID OUR GRIEF WORK AND WENT THROUGH IT WITH THE HUMAN LOSSES. I WAS DEVASTATED FOR A COUPLE YEARS WHEN MY BELOVED AUNT (WHO RAISED ME ) DIED. DEAR GOD WAS I EVER.

THE POSTER IS RIGHT WHEN SHE SAYS " GET SOME MEDS FOR ANXIETY " THE ANTI DEPRESSANTS ? I JUST DON'T THINK THEY MAKE ONE YET THAT REALLY WORKS.SOME MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE. AND REALLY , SHOULD'NT WE BE SAD AND DEPRESSED NOW ? OF COURSE. BUT THE NERVES , AGITATION, ANXIETY NEED NOT BE OUR HOUSE GUESTS AT THIS TIME. BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELING SAD AND DOWN AND FEELING ANXIOUS, FEARFUL LIKE YOU'RE COMING OUT OF YOUR SKIN. HANG IN THERE AND REMEMBER "WE'RE" HOLDING ON TO THE HORRIBLE PAIN AS A FINAL CONNECTION , IN TIME YOU'LL LET GO OF THIS PAIN (CERTAINLY NOT THE LOVING MEMORIES) LETTING GO OF THIS PAINFUL CONNECTION IS'NT LETTING GO OF THE LOVE FOR THEM . ~THIS TAKES VARIABLE TIME ~
GOD BLESS'
PHIL.
AND GOD ALWAYS BLESS MY "DOLLY"

[SJ J & S]

You WILL get through this and at the end you will be a more compassionate loving person for the experience.

I know it hurts like hell and I know that those others don’t understand but that’s because they are not ready to learn this lesson in life yet, they have not learned to love so deeply and unconditionally as us and if they reach the end of their life not experience it then it will be their loss.

I dont want to feel like this anymore

Be patient with yourself and allow your body to go through the grieving process, every ounce of pain and every tear is a tribute to your love like a flag saying hey babybear I love you this much.

[LS Support]

Not one person around me seems to understand how i feel!!!!

we do.

hang in there, Sue said it best. there will be brighter times and pain will be replaced with fond memories.

[rushie'smom]

Hang in there, the first days are the hardest. There are definitely people here who understand. If it helps to know this, I railed at God when he took Rush. I'm divorced, have no social life (nothing but schoolwork right now) and no family. I have my 2 children (1 at college now) and my dog and a cat. I hated God for taking my buddy away. Was it so much to ask that I have a walking partner? A big WOOF to scare the pizza man when I'm alone at night? A guardian for my daughter (13) when I'm at night classes? I resented every person who walked by with a dog by their side and a smile on their face. I still can't get rid of his things. His toys, bed, kennel and food dish are still right where they always were. I suppose someday I'll get the strength to get rid of them, but that day is not today, or tomorrow or probably a month from now. They've been a constant part of my decor for 10 years, how can I see a big empty space where that pain-in-the-butt kennel always was? I just can't right now.

Allow yourself to grieve, no matter what those around you think. I took the week after Rush passed and did nothing but cry, overeat, and stayed in my pajamas (I was lucky it was semester break). Even now, when I need to take an evening to just sniff his bed and watch videos and cry myself to sleep, I do it. Please understand that everyone grieves at their own pace and there is no "right" amount of time. However, if you feel the urge to hurt yourself or you're losing all ability to function, you might need an antidepressant. Many people use them after an unfortunate loss and they can really help if you find your depression becoming unmanageable. They can really help.

I know how much it hurts. You're right when you say it's more pain than losing some humans, I feel that way too. With our animals we don't have to be guarded, we don't have to exercise social responsibility, we can be goofy, ugly, smelly, depressed, silly, and anything else and our animal always has nothing but love for us. How do you not bond with something that gives you total acceptance all the time? To lose that love leaves a great hole and much pain.

Please continue to come here, there are many who truly do understand that are always willing to help and lend an ear.

Hoping you feel peace soon,
Rushie's Mom

[loneredhorse]

Depression can be OVERWHELMING. I've had a world of loss in the last few years. I've been in therapy over a year and its okay. But then I lost Jack 3 1/2 weeks ago. He was my baby boy. My heart. I've not gone to bed one nite without crying and I too cannot touch any of his things. I can't even va%% his favorite nap spot cause all His fur is there. I feel as well that my heart has been ripped out. I rode out hurricane Rita by myself last week without lights, etc. He hated storms and sat with me like glue when they happened. Protecting him made me feel strong. Last weekend was like the end of the world had happened. Then I felt bad for still having a home and a roof and feeling sorry for myself. All in all, I had not a good feeling in my entire self. Still don't. I feel like I have permanent eye leakage. Talking to pet lovers at work has helped a lot, some even cry with me. But then its Friday nite and I end up talking to myself. And Sunday will be 4 weeks at 2 PM. I guess the pain will go away some time. There is no damn pill to make it better faster. I guess its like riding out a hurricane. You just have to hunker down and wait. And cry. and wait. I want to make a scrapbook of him but I can't deal with the pictures yet. But I did get busy for a while at the hobby store getting dog stickers and papers and ideas. I've never made a scrapbook and I'm not real creative, but its given my mind a little direction that feels more positive. I may never get to that scrapbook, I can accept procrastination in myself, but thinking about it has helped a little. Keep talking here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We may not be in the same room but its the same pain we all feel. We've been abandoned by the creature that loved us the most. No matter who we are. I also feel there must have been something else I could have done, but I know in reality there wasn't. I would've given my home for him. I would've given him my heart to replace his failing one, but he already had it. He must've left part of it here cause it hurts continuously. Love from only me to you, and shared tears. e mail me if you want at Loneredhorse@aol.com Maddy

[tammy]

HI babybear,

Glad you found this place; it was definitely a life saver for me. No one in the "real" world understood how I felt either. Losing my cat Diapey was the first loss I'd ever experience - I have never even lost a human that I am close to (knock on wood).
Please know that we know exactly how you feel and we understand. The first full week after Diapey died, I felt so miserable, just like you do. It is SO PAINFUL and the pain was so excrutiating and overwhelming.
It's been 6 weeks now, and I just vacuumed a few days ago, and I still haven't washed the blanket on the bed she laid in. I still haven't touched any of her toys either.
You WILL feel better; it will take time and I know right now it seems like there us no end in sight. But there is.

Keep posting here and let us know how you feel. I would've been totally lost if I hadn't found this place.

Take care
Tammy

[Magellansmommy]

Yes, you are definately not alone. I felt that way the first week when my baby died! You will over come this. It will take time to heal. Just try to focus on the GREAT times you had with your pet~ your baby! Don't let the unsensitive people around you try to tell you "it was only a...(dog) or (Cat). They simply don't understand and it's useless to try to explain to them unless you have been through it. You came to the right place by coming here where people care about what you are going through. We are with you...and believe me, we ALL DO UNDERSTAND!!! Hang in there...be strong...have faith! You are in my thoughts! ((((hugs)))))

Jennifer
Magellan's Mommy!

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[Cathi]

I know this hurts so much, WE DO know how much that can be, because we too lost our precious ones.

Don't you just hate it when some of the people around us conveniently FORGET about the furkid that was our very best friend for so long and don't talk about it? Sometimes I think the real world is crazy and has its priorities all screwed up.

I am finding out that the only way out of the pain is THROUGH it. I let myself cry whenever I need to. This is usually on the freeway going to work. This is not the best thing but that is when it hits me.

Please stay here on this site and share with us how you feel.

Can you consider all the unloved pets out there need help...maybe you could volunteer at a shelter or something? Just a thought for once you start healing.

I wish you all the strength you need to get through this. I lost my Dog, Tico 3 weeks ago and it IS getting a little easier. The first 10 days were torture with the emptiness. Hugs to you.

Cathi

[samhaincat]

First of all a big hug to you. We here all understand how you feel.
My darlings Spicey passed away on Aug. 17th and Nymph on September 23rd. I feel like I am walking around with my heart dragging somewhere along a few feet behind me.
I'm going through the motions of life but I feel so sad and completely detached from things. The only thing that sparked life in me was when I had to rush my one remaining cat Loki to the vet on September 24th---luckily he is ok.
Continue to share your feelings on this site, I am so glad I found it, I wish I had known about it after my Zody died 2 years ago, I was in so much pain for so long. I find sharing my feelings here really helps, I hope you gain the same comfort from it.
The only thing I keep focusing on is something that I memorized from many years ago when I was a child and saw a little house on the prairie episode "remember me with smiles and laughter for that's the way I'll remember you, if you can only remember me with tears, then don't remember me at all." Easier said than done of course but whenever I lose it I try to think of that and try to imagine if it were me that had died and could somehow look upon those I had to leave behind, I wouldn't want them to be so sad and focus only on my death, but to remember all the wonderful times we shared and the love that is always there and alive and lives on past death.
Give yourself time and if you feel you need some extra help try St. John's Wort and/or Bach's FLower Rescue Remedy, they are calming. There is also a homeopathic remedy called ignatius---it is for grieving. I used all three of these when my Zody died three years ago...his death was the hardest on me because he had to be put to sleep and he fought the needle right up to the last moment, I not only grieved but felt horribly guilty that his life had ended like that, when all I wanted was for it be peaceful and full of love.
My two girls went naturally, so the end was easier but I miss them terribly. I find I have trouble concentrating on anything and I'm usually not scatterbrained.
We all just need time to adjust and to come to terms with the loss and to make peace with the fact that physically they are no longer in our lives but I believe on spiritual plane they are still with us. I think when the love is so strong that bond never breaks.

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