Our Little Harley Passed Unexpectedly 11.16.2016 Options

[In memory of Har...]

Hello.

Having a tough time since one of our pack passed away. Harley was our sweet little shih tzu, only 6 years old.

He was only lethargic and not eating normally for 3 days, which he had done before at this time of year. We setup a vet appointment for him on Thursday, Nov 17. We thought the vet would just get us some allergy meds as usual and all would be well. We had no reason to think he was terminal.

Wednesday morning I let the babies go potty, and when Harley came back in, he acted as if he wanted me to put him on the doggy cot, and I did so. When I got out of the shower, he was holding up his right paw, and I thought he had injured it jumping off the cot (which was odd, because the cot is only 3" off the ground).

This was at 4am, no vets were open, so I called my fiancee who would be home in a couple of hours and told her we needed to take him to the vet that day when she got home. He didn't whimper when I touched it, and when I put him on the ground the other dogs came to check him out and he kinda wanted them to back off, so I placed him in a crate so he would not injure himself further. I told him momma would be home soon and we would get him fixed up.

A few of hours went by, and when my fiancee contacted me, she told me that Harley had stopped breathing on the way to the vet and that they were trying to intubate him. 15 minutes later, she broke the news that our baby was dead. His lungs were full of blood.

The vet isn't sure what happened (we didn't want our Harley butchered, and there was no guarantee the vet would find out the cause of death) but we are fairly certain now that he had congestive heart failure. Our poor baby died in pain.

The guilt is so strong. I know I cannot change anything. We did the best we could. I wrote a letter to him I will read at his funeral today and a letter back from him forgiving us.

I have never felt so down in my life, and I have been through some bad things. Yesterday I felt so numb, like I was in quicksand, and it feels like a bad dream and I keep hoping to wake up.
Today I just started crying out of no where and I still am, even at work.

This feeling is terrible, but I am doing everything I can think of to grieve and make sure I go through the process, no matter how long it might take, this has the potential to really screw with my head. I have to get through this so I can be a good dad to our remaining fur babies.

I built him a little coffin, put in a pillow with a nice cover, rubbed lavender oil on the pillow and Harley and put his favorite toy under his arm and covered him with another pillow case. This was actually helpful, a final act of love I could show our baby.

I can't seem to fully accept that he is gone, he was always around...when I would cook a steak in a pan, he would bark at the sizzling noises, he would always greet me at the door, he would playfully growl at me when I said hi in the morning, he was my football watching buddy, he always followed me into the bathroom.

I keep trying to picture him in his final resting place to remind myself that he is gone.

Lesson learned though, I am going to start a fund so that we can take any of our babies to the first available vet , no matter how much it costs (or how far away that might be) (not that it mattered before, but now it officially does not matter).

Harley was my fiancees first fur baby (had him before we met and Stormy, our lab). She did not want a dog before she took Harley in from her mom...then she met me. We adopted a puppy together, then when we moved into a house, we adopted 6 more senior dogs and we are fostering 2 more.

His legacy will last and we will continue to take the dogs that everyone else passes up...the heart worms, blind, seemingly crazy, super timid., no teeth....the forgotten ones.

Maybe his purpose was to be the gateway for my fiancee to be a fur mom so we could take in as many as we can and give them love.

But no amount of memorializing is helping us in this moment. The pain is real and terrible. I fully expect all our babies will pass away at some point, but this was unexpected and that hurts the most...Harley loved babies and I wanted him to be around our future children.

I know that the flip side of this is you have to love to lose, but the emptiness is so hard to deal with. Our house feels empty without Harley.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Harley's guardian, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Harley. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so unexpectedly can intensify the grief.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which is one of the harder emotions to reconcile. It comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening, as well as all the what ifs, if onlys, and whys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

There is no doubt from what you share with us that you and your fiancee did everything in your human and humane power to giver your beloved Harley a happy, healthy earthly journey. Unfortunately our companions have a genetic gene they inherit from their wild cousins that makes them disguise / hide from us how they are feeling until they can no longer hide the effects of an illness / injury. Sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and restore our companions to a good quality of health, yet other times there are no "miracles" in the medicine arsenal that can preserve our companion's health and life. And this is when the grief adjustment journey begins when we are faced with the enormous task of re-inventing our daily routines without the physical presence of our beloved companion - - and it is a very painful journey both physically and emotionally which is filled with all the "first withouts" that are a constant reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us..

I remember so well from my own experiences being so thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work. And then getting into the car for the drive home having the dam of tears break into gut-wrenching sobbing from having been suppressed all day. It is important that you and your fiancee allow yourselves the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Harley. During the deep grief it will feel like you can't stop crying - - but crying is very healthy as it releases the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grieving. Eventually this will ease. Some people fear that this means they are forgetting their beloved companion, but I assure you and your fiancee that this is not the case - - and never will be - - for your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit will always and forever be a part of your heart and memories - - he will always and forever be a heartbeat close to you - - because love is eternal.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you and your fiancee some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Harley with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only if / when you want to. Please know you and your fiancee are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam