Hello.

Having a tough time since one of our pack passed away. Harley was our sweet little shih tzu, only 6 years old.

He was only lethargic and not eating normally for 3 days, which he had done before at this time of year. We setup a vet appointment for him on Thursday, Nov 17. We thought the vet would just get us some allergy meds as usual and all would be well. We had no reason to think he was terminal.

Wednesday morning I let the babies go potty, and when Harley came back in, he acted as if he wanted me to put him on the doggy cot, and I did so. When I got out of the shower, he was holding up his right paw, and I thought he had injured it jumping off the cot (which was odd, because the cot is only 3" off the ground).

This was at 4am, no vets were open, so I called my fiancee who would be home in a couple of hours and told her we needed to take him to the vet that day when she got home. He didn't whimper when I touched it, and when I put him on the ground the other dogs came to check him out and he kinda wanted them to back off, so I placed him in a crate so he would not injure himself further. I told him momma would be home soon and we would get him fixed up.

A few of hours went by, and when my fiancee contacted me, she told me that Harley had stopped breathing on the way to the vet and that they were trying to intubate him. 15 minutes later, she broke the news that our baby was dead. His lungs were full of blood.

The vet isn't sure what happened (we didn't want our Harley butchered, and there was no guarantee the vet would find out the cause of death) but we are fairly certain now that he had congestive heart failure. Our poor baby died in pain.

The guilt is so strong. I know I cannot change anything. We did the best we could. I wrote a letter to him I will read at his funeral today and a letter back from him forgiving us.

I have never felt so down in my life, and I have been through some bad things. Yesterday I felt so numb, like I was in quicksand, and it feels like a bad dream and I keep hoping to wake up.
Today I just started crying out of no where and I still am, even at work.

This feeling is terrible, but I am doing everything I can think of to grieve and make sure I go through the process, no matter how long it might take, this has the potential to really screw with my head. I have to get through this so I can be a good dad to our remaining fur babies.

I built him a little coffin, put in a pillow with a nice cover, rubbed lavender oil on the pillow and Harley and put his favorite toy under his arm and covered him with another pillow case. This was actually helpful, a final act of love I could show our baby.

I can't seem to fully accept that he is gone, he was always around...when I would cook a steak in a pan, he would bark at the sizzling noises, he would always greet me at the door, he would playfully growl at me when I said hi in the morning, he was my football watching buddy, he always followed me into the bathroom.

I keep trying to picture him in his final resting place to remind myself that he is gone.

Lesson learned though, I am going to start a fund so that we can take any of our babies to the first available vet , no matter how much it costs (or how far away that might be) (not that it mattered before, but now it officially does not matter).

Harley was my fiancees first fur baby (had him before we met and Stormy, our lab). She did not want a dog before she took Harley in from her mom...then she met me. We adopted a puppy together, then when we moved into a house, we adopted 6 more senior dogs and we are fostering 2 more.

His legacy will last and we will continue to take the dogs that everyone else passes up...the heart worms, blind, seemingly crazy, super timid., no teeth....the forgotten ones.

Maybe his purpose was to be the gateway for my fiancee to be a fur mom so we could take in as many as we can and give them love.

But no amount of memorializing is helping us in this moment. The pain is real and terrible. I fully expect all our babies will pass away at some point, but this was unexpected and that hurts the most...Harley loved babies and I wanted him to be around our future children.

I know that the flip side of this is you have to love to lose, but the emptiness is so hard to deal with. Our house feels empty without Harley.

Hi, Harley's guardian, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Harley. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so unexpectedly can intensify the grief.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which is one of the harder emotions to reconcile. It comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening, as well as all the what ifs, if onlys, and whys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

There is no doubt from what you share with us that you and your fiancee did everything in your human and humane power to giver your beloved Harley a happy, healthy earthly journey. Unfortunately our companions have a genetic gene they inherit from their wild cousins that makes them disguise / hide from us how they are feeling until they can no longer hide the effects of an illness / injury. Sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and restore our companions to a good quality of health, yet other times there are no "miracles" in the medicine arsenal that can preserve our companion's health and life. And this is when the grief adjustment journey begins when we are faced with the enormous task of re-inventing our daily routines without the physical presence of our beloved companion - - and it is a very painful journey both physically and emotionally which is filled with all the "first withouts" that are a constant reminder that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us..

I remember so well from my own experiences being so thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work. And then getting into the car for the drive home having the dam of tears break into gut-wrenching sobbing from having been suppressed all day. It is important that you and your fiancee allow yourselves the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Harley. During the deep grief it will feel like you can't stop crying - - but crying is very healthy as it releases the toxins that build up in the body from the stress of grieving. Eventually this will ease. Some people fear that this means they are forgetting their beloved companion, but I assure you and your fiancee that this is not the case - - and never will be - - for your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit will always and forever be a part of your heart and memories - - he will always and forever be a heartbeat close to you - - because love is eternal.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you and your fiancee some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Harley with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only if / when you want to. Please know you and your fiancee are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your kind words, moon_beam...you aren't from the Anandtech forums, are you?

Any how, I keep alternating between felling numb and crying, I start to feel angry, but I keep avoiding it for some reason.

The fact that my granddad passed on 11.07, probably isn't helping, with him it was expected and even welcome though, as he was in excruciating pain and I got to see him before he passed on. That stubborn guy lied and told my sister and I he wasn't in any pain...he told my dad he was though. I told my granddad he was allowed to stop fighting if he wanted and that we would understand. It was a difficult conversation at the time, but looking back it helped me deal with his passing.

I am glad this forum is here, even if no one replies, I can put my thoughts out there. It can only help.

Hi, Harley's guardian, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, the physical loss of your grandfather being so recent in addition to the physical loss of your beloved Harley can also contribute to the intensity of your grief for your beloved Harley. Clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for a human family member or friend. Unfortunately, though, our society in general - - and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us geographically and emotionally - - do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds without fear of rejection with those who truly understand what we are going through. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I can so understand how you feel when you share with us "Our house feels empty without Harley." Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy", and when that "energy" is no longer present it takes time to adjust to the physical absence. It can even feel as though the house structure itself is grieving. Even though we may have other companions in the home they cannot "replace" the "energy" of the companion who is no longer physically present. They aren't meant to. This grief journey is about "adjusting to" the physical absence - - for ALL members of the family unit.

I hope today is treating you and your fiancee kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your fiancee are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello, I neglected to introduce my self in first post. My name is Daniel.

Today was better when I woke up, I looked at a picture of Harley as a pup (I have had it on my dresser for quite some time) and I smiled and chuckled when I thought about Harley. But it didn't last long.

I went into some kind of haze while I was getting ready for work. When I got to work, all I could think about was Harley. I work two jobs and I would often have to remind myself why, and I would think of all the dogs, but Harley's face is always what came to mind. I slogged through...I am never like that, I always look for extra challenges and feel compelled to go out of my way. I can't do that right now...I have realized I need to be kind to myself and take it easy at both jobs. The down side of that is, I will have more time to think about Harley, but that us also the upside....double edged sword I suppose.

We buried our baby yesterday and it did help to see him be buried, it was calming in a way, although I knew he was truly gone, this helped reinforce it. My whole life I never understood final rights and rituals, thought they were silly, in fact...I was wrong.

I am going to start writing to Harley in a journal everyday, at least once a day. I fear though, that I will eventually stop writing and feel guilty because of it...is that a legitimate concern? This is so hard because I understand everything logically, but the brain is being shut down and I am feeling everything.

I tried to think of moments Harley and I had, but we didn't have many, I always made it a point to talk to him, everyday. That is why we had no moments, he was always there...part of me.

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. You are very wise to give yourself "space" as you travel your grief adjustment journey. Clinical professionals recommend keeping stress levels as low as possible because grieving is very stressful and can lower your immune system making you more vulnerable to illness. So just do what you feel comfortable doing and don't force yourself to go "above and beyond" until you are feeling stronger.

I can perfectly understand how you're feeling when you share with us "I am going to start writing to Harley in a journal everyday, at least once a day. I fear though, that I will eventually stop writing and feel guilty because of it...is that a legitimate concern?" Please let me try to reassure you that as your deep grief eases you may not feel the "need" to keep a journal every day, but you may want to continue writing once a month - - or whenever you have a special memory or want to write a special letter to your beloved Harley, etc. And when / if you no longer feel the need to write in your journal you will always have the things you have written to keep and cherish as a memento. Your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you - - for all time, Daniel - - no matter how much time passes as you continue your earthly journey. His sweet Living Spirit continues to share every moment of every hour of every day with you just as he always did during his earthly journey - - the only "difference" now is that his physical presence is transformed into his sweet Living Spirit.

I hope today is treating you and your fiancee kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your fiancee are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Today was just meh. I had to go work at the place where I was when I heard about our Harley passing. It was very difficult, but I allowed myself to feel the hurt and worked through it. I have to because we go to this account every week.

My fiancee was upset before I left for work today, and she cannot sleep more than 2 hours at a time. Would it be too much to place some things around the house that would surprise her? I was honest with her and told her I was sad too, and that I just don't have the words.

Tomorrow will be the one week mark since our baby passed, and I anticipate that it will be painful. I have mostly worked through the guilt, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that even if we would have taken our baby to the vet a day earlier, he still might have died, or worse endured weeks or months of pain.

The worst part is, I feel like his memory is slipping away, but that is because he was always there, I was more used to his presence than remembering any specific moments.
I miss telling him goodnight, I miss seeing him in the morning, I miss singing to him when I would pass him throughout the house, I miss picking him up and telling him "I need some Harley in my life right now" and giving him affection and getting it right back from him.

It feels so weird when my mind wanders and I forget about what is for just a sec...then reality kick backs in, and it hurts all over again.

Hi Harley's Dad,

I know exactly how you're feeling. My sweet baby, Scooter, passed away last Friday after 18 wonderful years together. I totally understand the "presence" part that you've mentioned. After 18 years together, he was just a part of me without any specific moments because he was part of all of them. He always slept on a red blanket at the foot of my side of the bed, until we came to bed, then he would get up next to me and wake me up at different times of the night by pawing me in the face, wanting belly rubs. He would always come lay on the clean laundry as I put it away, or meow a "hello" when he entered the room. It's all those little everyday things that make it so difficult to deal with now that he's not physically here anymore.

I too, have felt the guilt, and from what I can tell, is a natural part of everyone's grieving process. You think about what you could have done differently or more quickly, but, in the end, I think it's just the way it was meant to be. The day our babies passed was the date written in their book of life. Nothing we did could have changed that.

My husband hasn't been too sure of what to say to me either. I had Scooter long before we met, so he wasn't as close to him as I was. But, he is sympathetic to my pain and is a shoulder to cry on without judgement whenever I need it, which is just what I need. Little thoughtful gifts for your fiancée would likely brighten her day and let her know that, you too, understand the pain she feels.

And, not to worry… Your memory of Harley will never actually fade. He will always be in your heart. I think the first few days that we are so consumed with heartache, that all we do is think about them and nothing but them. But, as we begin to heal, we begin to go on with our lives, which means that they aren’t in every thought we have anymore, and that’s not a bad thing. Because when they were physically here, they didn’t consume every thought we had in a day. That doesn’t mean we are forgetting them…it just means that we are accepting reality and that’s the only way to truly heal. They will always be with us, and we will always have thoughts and memories of them.

I’m so sorry that you and your fiancée are having to go through this. But just know, that you are not alone in your pain. There are those of us out there that understand exactly how you’re feeling. It sounds as though Harley had an amazing life with you guys. He is loved and cherished, so at least take comfort in that fact.

*hugs* to the both of you.

Thank you, Scootersmommy. Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing . Big hug to you and your departed baby.

I have experienced a wide range of emotions today. I was even in full swing normal for a while. This is such an odd feeling. Now I feel nothing, which is worse than feeling sad. I am not try to feel any particular way. Is this normal?

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are. Today, I've felt more angry and depressed than sad. I think we just have to let our feelings come and go...acknowledge how we're feeling without judgement or reaction. I think we try to force feelings one way or the other instead of just going with the flow for that moment. We're going to have days of ups and downs for sure. Time will heal us...lets just keep believing that!

Hi everyone.

Today I still feel empty, but also sad and angry. Not angry with anyone in particular, just upset that Harley is no longer with us. Writing him daily and saying hello and goodbye when I come home or leave home seems to help as well. I am beginning to remember him without getting sad, but even that fells wrong, but I know it isn't.

I have started thinking more about how to help my fiancee and less about me and that is when I started feeling nothing. Maybe that was actually calm I felt...who knows.

He died a week ago today, the week went by so fast...the whole thing still seems so surreal. I kept having flashes of what transpired before I left for week last Wednesday and wishing I had done something differently. I know it likely wouldn't have changed anything, but those thoughts are very difficult to get rid of.

My fiancee is taking two of our chihuahuas to the vet today (the same vet where Harley passed) to have them checked out, they have been coughing and wheezing. Hopefully nothing. I know it is going to be difficult for my fiancee to go back to that vets office after all that happened.

Our other shih tzu, Chewy, seems sad at the loss of Harley as well. I will start playing with him more, as Harley was his playing buddy. (Chewy is a tripod baby, and one of his arms is fused after a dislocation...he was in bad shape)

Hi Harley's Dad,

I know that feeling of anger. Not with anyone or anything...just at the situation. Anytime I go outside, I blow a kiss up to the sky and tell "Tooter" that I love and miss him. It does seem to help to continue speaking to them. I started making a keepsake box this morning of all of his things. It has been painful, yet comforting all at the same time. I have it next to my bed, so that all of his favorite things are close to me. I found a lot of old pictures from when he was a youngster, which made me feel a little better to see him so healthy and vibrant. He had gotten to where he wasn't able to do too much anymore. It feels wrong to me too, to think of him and not cry, but I know it isn't. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad. He was always the one trying to cheer me up and would lick my tears if I was upset. So, he always just wanted me to be happy.

I saw a post by someone who made a very good point. They told the pet parent to imagine that the tables were turned and that it was you who died in the same manner. We would not blame our pet, or have any kind of ill feelings toward them. We would want them to go on with their lives and be happy. Which is how our babies feel about us. They don't believe that we did something wrong, they aren't mad at us or want us to be sad. They want us to be happy and remember the great times we had with them. Easier said than done, I know, but it's something to work towards.

My heart is with your fiancee today. I know going back there will be terribly hard for her. Prayers that your other babies get well soon.

I sort of feel like I'm neglecting our other animals by being so withdrawn and sad. I just don't have the same bond with them as I do Scooter, so, they are a bit oblivious to my despair. I do love them all so much...just in different ways. *hugs* to Chewy...I know this must be hard on him too. It sounds as though you and your fiancee have a huge heart for furbabies. That's so wonderful that you're willing to open up your hearts and your home to give them such a great life on Earth. They are all very lucky to call you their pet parents.

Hugs and Prayers for you all.

Hi Daniel,

I want to add my heartfelt sympathies on the physical passing of your Harley.

There is nothing like this kind of pain and I'm sorry you and your fiancee are having to experience it now.

I love your writing habit. Please don't feel guilty if you don't write every day or even regularly. It is not by any means a measure of your love. Harley loves you and is with you and knows you love him. When sometime in the future it is your time to pass, you'll be fully reunited, but in the meantime, he has the best of both worlds---he's with you and he's a free spirit.

How did the check-ups go?

Please keep in touch!

Prayers your way,

Kathy

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief -- the sorrow, numbness, anger, empty, etc.. Particularly during the deep grief we have very little control over our emotions which is why we are especially vulnerable to uncontrollable mood swings. And during the deep grief it seems that every moment of every hour of every day of every week holds some kind of "angel-versary" as being the "first without" with our beloved companion. Some people do find it comforting to continue some of the routines / traditions - - such as saying hello and good bye as we always did in our comings and goings. The good news is that your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit is there to share these routines with you - - the sound of your voice is still a sweet sound to his ears as it was during his earthly journey with you.

It is said that in comforting others we are comforted also, so hopefully in comforting your fiancee and precious Chewy you also will feel comforted - - and your respective relationships may come closer together.

I hope everything went okay with your Chihuahuas' medical visit. Indeed, going back to the place where we have experienced a loss of a beloved companion can be difficult even when the veterinary care is excellent. I remember having it take a good 6 months after a loss until I didn't have tears well up in my eyes when I took one of my surviving companion's into the vet for a check up / procedure. Please let us know how things went.

Daniel, I hope today is treating you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companonis kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your fiancee are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi everyone, thank you again for the continued kind word and thoughts.


The visit went okay, one of our chis needs to lose weight, she is 7 pounds (should be 4-5, he her metabolism has slowed). The other chi has an enlarged heart and it is pushing on her trachea and she has a little fluid in her lungs.

Vet prescribed some meds , a beta blocker and diuretic (to remove the fluid from her lungs). Her kidneys lab was a little high, so we have to be very careful with all the meds.
We are going to get her an ultrasound asap.

I also think I am have found some meaning in our Little Harley's death...I am an empath, and I had successfully turned off years ago (not off, but channeled the "gift"). I thought I had control of it.

My right shoulder has been in pain for about three months out of nowhere...I never understood why. The day Harley passed, it stopped hurting, and has not hurt since. I was feeling pain he had, and I just didn't know it.

I have decided to stop blocking it.

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing how the medical visits went with your precious Chihuahuas. I'm so sorry that one of your precious girls is having heart problems. The hopeful news is that her condition can be successfully managed with medications. No - - it isn't a "cure" - - but it can give her a good quality of life for quite awhile. Please let us know how it goes with the ultrasound.

Our companions are sensitive souls to begin with, and I know your beloved Harley was especially aware of your empath gift. I'm glad you have "reopened" your empath abilities, Daniel.

I hope today is treating you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companonis kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Good day everyone
Feeling better. Still get mixed sad and happy when I think of Harley.

Mostly I think of how he would want us to pay his love and affection forward. My fiancee told me how he taught our lab, Stormy, how to walk up the stairs when she was a puppy. He nudged her up every step until she reached the top.

Chloe, our chi with the heart problem will get her ultrasound on December the 9th, earliest they could get us in. She does seem to be doing a little better (less couging)

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and how things are going with your precious Chloe. I'm so glad to share your news she is feeling better with the medication. I can perfectly understand your concerns about having to wait until December 9 for her to get an ultrasound. Thankfully it's just a week from today. Please know she is in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to sharing your news as to how things go with the test.

I'm so smiling at how your beloved Harley taught his housemate Stormy how to climb the stairs. These treasured memories are both comforting and sad during this grief adjustment journey - - because your and your fiancee's hearts and arms are adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Harley. But I promise you one day you will be able to think of your beloved Harley and the sorrow that is in your hearts now will not be quite so intense.

I hope today is treating you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companonis kindly, Daniel, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi everyone, Chloe, the chi is doing better, vet actually said no ultrasound, but wanted to try x ray from different angle. She thinks our baby's heart is just gently pushing on her trachea and prescribed hydrocodone for the cough and pred for the inflammation

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how your precious Chloe, and you, are doing. I hope the meds will help your precious girl with her coughing and inflammation. Hopefully for now you and your family are feeling relieved that she is doing better. Please let us know how she's doing.

I hope today is treating you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companonis kindly, Daniel, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi everyone, just checking in. Doing a little better. I miss Harley especially when it is cold, I would pick him up when I got back (from being outside) into the house and he would always warm me up.

Work is especially stressful right now as well, and it is very difficult. The other fur babies help, of course, but I still miss Harley.

Hi, Daniel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us "The other fur babies help, of course, but I still miss Harley." Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey. Hopefully in time the intensity of your sorrow will ease. Does this mean you will stop missing your beloved Harley? No - - but as the deep sorrow eases your heart will be able to embrace the many treasured memories you and your beloved Harley share without them feeling like they are a piercing pain in your heart.

I hope today is treating you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companonis kindly, Daniel, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Harley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you, your fiancee, and each of your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam