Feeling Lost Without My Boy Gunner, Loss of dog Options

[Gunners Mama]

I am new to this. I'm not even sure where to begin. I lost my special angel on Christmas night. We had a beautiful day with our family and then me, my husband and our 4 Boston Terrier went to our cabin in the woods. It had been a while since we had been there and we were so excited. We got there and exchanged presents. It was wonderful and we were so happy. We always got our dogs presents and this year it was some new balls. That's their favorite toy. I had picked them out a pack with a glow in the dark ball. I was inside cleaning up and I was saying a prayer to God thanking him for all of my blessings. My husband had taken the dogs outside to play with their new toy. They were having so much fun. He said he was going to bring our one dog inside so he wouldn't run into anything. He is almost blind but runs around like he can see perfectly. I can still hear him saying that to me. I wish that I would have told them to all come inside but I didn't. The next moment changed my life forever. He came running inside telling me that my dog Gunner had run into a tree chasing the ball. I ran outside and he was laying there. His eyes were open and his legs were stiff. My husband said not to move him just in case he was paralyzed. I looked at him and asked my husband if he was breathing. He did CPR on him but it didn't work. He was gone. How could he just be there playing and having fun and then be gone the next second. He was only 7 years old. I blame myself for buying that ball because he had run into a something one time chasing a ball when it was dark. If only I would have remembered that but I never thought that he would have run into anything again. I shouldn't have gotten them that glow in the dark ball. After it happened I went into shock. It was like an out of body experience. It was like I was there but I wasn't. Everything was in slow motion. I have never felt pain like this before. I don't even remember the whole month of January. I couldn't eat sleep or think clearly. I was just there staring into space begging God to let me go back and change it. I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart. I feel so guilty. I have cried every single day since its happened and I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't know if it was a terrible accident or part of God's plan. I ask myself that a million times a day. Thank you for listening.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know so well how you're feeling when you share with us "Then I think about having to go back to our cabin. I start freaking out and getting anxiety. I don't want to go back down there ever. How am I supposed to look at that tree and not relive that horrible night. We still have our Christmas tree up and all of our decorations there. I wanted to take everything down but my husband wouldn't let me. How I wish he would have. How am I supposed to go in there and go back to that. Everything still will look the same but it's forever changed. Something that was supposed to be so special changed my life forever. I used to love that place but now I want to sell it and never go back." This is your deepest sorrow speaking. I remember when I first moved into my current home 20 years ago with my then two precious senior companions. My kitty companion transitioned home to the angels 10 months after moving here, and my canine companion followed her the following year. I had begun to finish off the basement for our primary living space and after my beloved canine companion joined the angels I just wanted to sell the place. This is what grief does - - it envelopes the heart in the deepest pain of sorrow that we temporarily lose sight of the goodness in our lives.

Your heart is struggling to find the goodness when you share with us "Then I remember that Gunner is there and it was the only place that has ever felt like home since we lost our house. He loved that place so much." You have known joy at the cabin with your beloved Gunner, and hopefully as your deep grief eases your memories of your beloved Gunner's happier times will ease the deep sorrow in your heart that he is no longer physically with you. His sweet Living Spirit is ALWAYS with you wherever you go - - whatever you do - - whether you sell the cabin or find peace in your heart in going back there. I kept the house and finished off the basement living quarters - - and eventually enjoyed the company of four precious companions who thoroughly loved their "country" home. Three of my companions have transitioned home to the angels through the years, and I now have my sole survivor feline companion Noah who will be my last companion during my remaining earthly journey because of my senior years and now frail health situation. And at some point in time sooner than later I will need to sell this house and move into a senior living facility.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "There's a hole in my heart." Will the passage of time take away this hole in your heart? - - No, not completely - - BUT hopefully as your deep grief eases you will be able to feel the warmth of your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit and eternal love transform the deepest sorrow you are now feeling so that you can once again embrace and enjoy the many cherished memories you and your beloved Gunner share - - and once again enjoy the beauty of your cabin - - a place that your beloved Gunner thoroughly enjoyed.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam