I am new to this. I'm not even sure where to begin. I lost my special angel on Christmas night. We had a beautiful day with our family and then me, my husband and our 4 Boston Terrier went to our cabin in the woods. It had been a while since we had been there and we were so excited. We got there and exchanged presents. It was wonderful and we were so happy. We always got our dogs presents and this year it was some new balls. That's their favorite toy. I had picked them out a pack with a glow in the dark ball. I was inside cleaning up and I was saying a prayer to God thanking him for all of my blessings. My husband had taken the dogs outside to play with their new toy. They were having so much fun. He said he was going to bring our one dog inside so he wouldn't run into anything. He is almost blind but runs around like he can see perfectly. I can still hear him saying that to me. I wish that I would have told them to all come inside but I didn't. The next moment changed my life forever. He came running inside telling me that my dog Gunner had run into a tree chasing the ball. I ran outside and he was laying there. His eyes were open and his legs were stiff. My husband said not to move him just in case he was paralyzed. I looked at him and asked my husband if he was breathing. He did CPR on him but it didn't work. He was gone. How could he just be there playing and having fun and then be gone the next second. He was only 7 years old. I blame myself for buying that ball because he had run into a something one time chasing a ball when it was dark. If only I would have remembered that but I never thought that he would have run into anything again. I shouldn't have gotten them that glow in the dark ball. After it happened I went into shock. It was like an out of body experience. It was like I was there but I wasn't. Everything was in slow motion. I have never felt pain like this before. I don't even remember the whole month of January. I couldn't eat sleep or think clearly. I was just there staring into space begging God to let me go back and change it. I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart. I feel so guilty. I have cried every single day since its happened and I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't know if it was a terrible accident or part of God's plan. I ask myself that a million times a day. Thank you for listening.

Oh Gunner's Mama, I am so very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Gunner!!

Let me assure you that you did nothing wrong. Your love for your dogs was and is so strong that you want the best things for them---and in your anticipation of the holiday, and out of pure love, you got them all their favorite toys.

Gunner passed from his physical body having SO much fun. Please try and think of that, if you possibly can, and I hope your guilt goes away. (Guilt, unfortunately, is a part of grief, because we can't bear the thought that we might have done something wrong, and we'd do anything to bring back our babies. I know it is so difficult. Gunner knows he was, and is, surrounded by love and by the best of intentions. He knows you love him so much.)

I'm crying as I read your post. I hate that things like this have to happen and that wonderful pet parents like you have to endure so much heartache. I'm sorry you've been in so much pain every day!

Gunner is still with you, even though he's not in his physical form that you so much want to see and hug. He's in a realm of bliss, with you and everywhere he feels like going (with other pets he knew while in his physical form, perhaps?), and because there are no time/space limitations for him now, he's not feeling lost because, for him, it will seem like only a split second before you fully join him (even though it will be a long time from now before it is your time to pass). But he still has you. He just wants you and the rest of the family to be okay.

I hope you can check in here soon and often. Wanting to know how you are. Will look for your next letter.

Sending heartfelt prayers for your peace of mind. Gunner loves you and I know he doesn't blame you for a thing. He thanks you for a life only a few animals ever get to know.

Kathy

Dear Gunner's Mama,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved dog Gunner. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

I understand how you feel when you said, "I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart." The pain is excruciating. I too had those moments of shock and numbness, moments when I don't even remember what I was doing or what was happening around me. My family and friends told me later that I was like a zombie for months and months. Those moments were often interrupted by moments of pure horror when I suddenly remembered what had happened to my beloved furbaby and that he/she was gone forever.

I am so sorry you are suffering through this pain. The guilt is one of the worst parts of this. The same thoughts run over and over in your mind, torturing you day and night. Then you find new reasons to blame yourself and the cycle starts again. Please know that you did nothing wrong and that Gunner does not blame you. I know those sound like empty words, but I hope with time you can forgive yourself and see how much Gunner still loves you.

Not being able to eat, sleep, or think clearly unfortunately also goes with the territory of this nightmare. I am truly sorry. I stopped eating for a month after my Albus passed away last year, and I haven't resumed eating since my Harry passed away two weeks ago. Sleep only comes from pure exhaustion because whether awake or asleep it seems like one long endless nightmare.

I know nothing I say can help ease your pain, but I hope you will find some peace and comfort with time. The support I received in this forum has been nothing short of life-saving. I hope you will continue to share how you are doing. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Wishing you peaceful thoughts tonight.

Warm hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

I would like to thank you both for your kind words,thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to me. I'm so glad that I found this site. They're are so many kind people who know exactly what I'm going through. I have my husband to talk to and he has been very understanding. He also feels tremendous guilt because he is the one that threw the ball. We have cried together many times and he has been a great comfort to me. I just find myself saying the same things over and over again to him that I would think that it would have to get old listening to. Everybody is worried about me because I'm still so upset. They think that I should be getting better by now. I'm trying I really am. Every day that I wake up is another day without him. I think of all of the things that he would be doing. I don't know how I'm supposed to be happy doing all of the things that he loved so much without him. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Gunner. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so suddenly intensifies the grief.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

I would like to add my thoughts to our forum friends in that you did nothing wrong in getting the ball for your precious companions. Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - we do not know the how when where of how our companions will precede us to the angels. As our forum friend Kathy so compassionately said "Gunner passed from his physical body having SO much fun. Please try and think of that, if you possibly can." You gave your beloved Gunner a gift of JOY and LOVE. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that will ease the excruciating pain of guilt you are presently feeling.

I know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as our forum friend Kathy has already shared with you, as difficult as this grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Gunner there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Gunner share because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully in time you will come to know that your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. He is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, and you are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Gunner with us. Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your kind words moon beam. I really appreciate them so much. We don't know when our babies are going to go to Heaven. We have had 2 furbabies pass before him. We lost our girl Baby in May 08 and we had a dog Bosco that we lost in Nov 09 and was almost 13 . He was such a good dog but his health had started getting bad. We had to make the decision to have him put to sleep. It was very difficult but we realized that it wasn't fair to him and that we were keeping him for us and that was selfish. When it came time he was relaxed and at peace like he was telling us thank you. Our whole family was there and I held his paw and told him that I loved him and would see him again. I will never say goodbye to any of my furbabies because it's not the end. I never thought that anything could be more hard but it was with Gunner because I never got to tell him those things. I believe that he was a gift from God because he knew everything that was going to happen in our lives before we did. After we lost Baby we didn't want anymore dogs because we had 3. It was in December that I was looking in the paper and saw an ad for Gunner. I told my daughter to say something to my husband and she told me that he said no. I didn't push the issue. They went to see him and fell in love with him. He was 4 months old and the last one in the litter. No one had wanted him so the lady decided to keep him but he became too much since she was older. He was my Christmas present that year. I still remember the first time that I saw him. He was so big and had so much loose skin that he hadn't grown into. It was love at first sight. That following year in Nov 09 we lost our boy Bosco and our lives got turned upside down even more. My husband and I both lost our jobs and then our house. I tried to remain strong for everyone. I always had Gunner there by my side for comfort and support. We had a bond that most people never understood. He was different from all of the other dogs that we have had. I can't even find words to explain. He had this beautiful white mark in his left eye. He followed me everywhere. He was my friend and my protector always guarding me from any kind of danger. It hurts so bad that I didn't protect him from the danger. I was his mama and I feel like I failed him. I wanted to thank Kathy for posting that to Gunner that it will only feel like a split second before I join him. I always worried that if something would have happened to me first that he would have died of a broken heart.I also wanted to thank Harry's mom for taking time to respond with her just losing her baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am going to try to post a picture of him when he was young with this post. Thanks for listening.

Here is a picture of my beautiful angel Gunner.

Oh Gunner's Mama,

What an adorable and very handsome picture of Gunner!!

And thank you for sharing the very touching story of how he came to be adopted. You saw him in the paper and knew he should be yours. And he had the best earthly life possible---with the love of a wonderful family, adventures, etc.. He does NOT blame you for anything. As moon_beam said, "Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - we do not know the how when where of how our companions will precede us to the angels." None of us can be perfect, or always thinking of everything that could or might happen. There is risk in just living, and if we were to prevent all risk, we wouldn't be able to do much of anything. Please don't blame yourself for not being "perfect." It's humanly impossible, and Gunner doesn't ever want you thinking a bad thought about his Mama.

Gunner is romping with Baby and Bosco and anyone else he has known (and they're also all with you), celebrating their loving family. Not many animals get to experience what you have given to them.

Please write some more, anytime you feel up to it. Share how you and your husband and daughter are doing, share more stories and/or pictures, or whatever you want. We all understand your pain here and want to help you on this journey.

Warmly,

Kathy

Thank you so much Kathy for saying how handsome my boy was. I have always thought so too but I might be a little partial. He was so smart. I used to always say he was an old soul wise beyond his years. He started getting white on his face when he was only 3 or 4. It's like he could look into your soul. We have 3 dogs now Squiggy who is 11, Lenny who is 10 and Gypsy who we think is 6. She was a stray that came to live with us. After we lost our house we moved into a small trailer and that's when Gypsy came to us She was so skinny. You could see her spine and all of her ribs. On top of it she was pregnant. She had 2 puppies that both ended up passing away. It was horrible to see how someone could mistreat such a sweet dog. Gunner loved her from the start. He would sit at the living room window and cry when she would run off. His heart would break. That's how she got the name Gypsy. My husband was adamant that we were not keeping another dog. We would find her a good home. I kept telling him that it was God putting us at that place to find her. How could you explain a full blooded Boston Terrier finding a home with 3 other ones. She ended up melting his heart and she stayed with us. I am thankful that I have them but right after Gunner passed I wanted to give them all away because I didn't want to endure this heartache again. I knew that I couldn't do that because I promised to be their Mama too. I love all of my furbabies. Thank you for listening and taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me to have people to talk to that understand what I am going through.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of is another day without my Gunner. My heart just breaks all over again. This pain is horrible. It's the worst thing that I have ever felt in my life. I just think of all of the things that he would be doing and I break down crying all over again. I hate mornings now. It used to be mine and his special time together. Everyone would get up and potty and go back to bed except him. He would snuggle up with me on the couch while I drank my coffee and watched the news. We called it mom and Gun Gun time. God do I miss it so much.

Gunner's Mama,

I'm sorry your mornings are so so rough. Gunner is still right there with you but I know there is absolutely NOTHING like having his physical self--all of him--there beside you on the couch. I understand the horrible emptiness and heartrending grief.

The story of Gypsy breaking Gunner's heart when she would run off just about broke my heart reading it. Bless your heart for taking in all the very lucky dogs you have adopted over the years! You and your family are so compassionate and giving.

I'm really glad you found this site. I know we can't take away your grief and pain but we are always here to "talk" with. I hope you continue to share feelings, stories, pictures---anything---with us.

Sending you comforting thoughts to get through this day.

Kathy
P.S. I had meant to mention in a previous note that I'm also very sorry that you and your husband lost your jobs and your house. Life's twist and turns can really throw us.

Thank you Kathy for taking time to talk to me and thank you for your kind and comforting words. You don't even know how much it means to me. I hope you have a nice day.

Gunner's Mama,

Something that has helped me with grief is to write a letter to a beloved pet who I've lost---it somehow has helped me feel as though I'm more directly in touch, and better able to express everything I want to say... Then to write a letter "from" my pet to me has helped me to be more able to realize and believe that my pet doesn't want me feeling any guilt about anything. And to feel how much they loved and still love me.

Just throwing that idea out there, in case it might help you too.

Kathy

Thank you Kathy for the idea. When Gunner passed I wanted to put something of mine with him when we buried him but I didn't know what. I was in shock and couldn't think clearly. My husband told me to write him a letter. I did but I have no idea what I wrote. I can't remember. I think that doing that now would be a good idea since I'm thinking more clearly. Thank you for taking time out and thinking about me.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the wonderful picture of your beloved Gunner. From the expression on his face and in his eyes he KNOWS he is loved. He is so blessed to have you for his Forever Mom and you are blessed to have the many treasured memories of his earthly journey to cherish in your heart.

I can so relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of is another day without my Gunner. My heart just breaks all over again. This pain is horrible. It's the worst thing that I have ever felt in my life. I just think of all of the things that he would be doing and I break down crying all over again. I hate mornings now. It used to be mine and his special time together. Everyone would get up and potty and go back to bed except him. He would snuggle up with me on the couch while I drank my coffee and watched the news. We called it mom and Gun Gun time. God do I miss it so much." During the deep grief it does feel like every minute has its own heartbreak as we remember "at this time I would be fixing his meal (breakfast, dinner, snack, etc.), at this time we would be going for a walk, at this time we would be . . . . " And we come to dread the "special moments" - - the snuggles, the watching TV together, the bedtime routines, etc. We come to wonder how much pain our hearts can take - - for it can literally take our breath away.

I promise you, Gunner's Mom, that it will not always be like this - - one day very likely when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Gunner and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you'll hear his soft sweet voice in your heart saying "it's okay, mom - - I'm always here with you - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you." But until this moment comes for you, one of the many things you need to remember is that we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey - - to share the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when it feels like your heart can no longer bear the burden of your deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Gunner's Mama,

I cried reading moon_beam's response to you. She expressed it so perfectly---about the pain taking our breath away, about Gunner's soft sweet voice whispering to you , and about how we are here for you.

Keep checking in. Thinking of you!!

Kathy

Thank you Moon Beam for thinking about me and keeping me in your prayers. It means a lot. I totally understand when your said that we don't know how much our hearts can take because it takes our breath away. It does feel like that I can't breathe sometimes because it hurts so bad. I find myself so angry at God for taking him away. He was so young, strong and full of life. Then I blame myself. He was a good dog. He didn't deserve to die like that. It happened so fast that I didn't comprehend what was going on. Then I think about having to go back to our cabin. I start freaking out and getting anxiety. I don't want to go back down there ever. How am I supposed to look at that tree and not relive that horrible night. We still have our Christmas tree up and all of our decorations there. I wanted to take everything down but my husband wouldn't let me. How I wish he would have. How am I supposed to go in there and go back to that. Everything still will look the same but it's forever changed. Something that was supposed to be so special changed my life forever. I used to love that place but now I want to sell it and never go back. Then I remember that Gunner is there and it was the only place that has ever felt like home since we lost our house. He loved that place so much. Then I wonder how I could go down there and have a good time without him. It's not fair to him. I'm so lost without him. I always knew that he wouldn't be here forever. I just thought that I had many more years. I never really thought about it because it was supposed to be a long time from now. He was supposed to get old and I was going to take care of him and hold him until God called him home. There's a hole in my heart. Then I wonder if I lost precious time with him because of the decision to buy him that toy or did God already have planned that it was his time and I couldn't have stopped it anyway. I'm sorry for the rambling. I feel like my mind is going in a million different directions. Thank you Kathy for checking in on me. I really appreciate all of the support.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know so well how you're feeling when you share with us "Then I think about having to go back to our cabin. I start freaking out and getting anxiety. I don't want to go back down there ever. How am I supposed to look at that tree and not relive that horrible night. We still have our Christmas tree up and all of our decorations there. I wanted to take everything down but my husband wouldn't let me. How I wish he would have. How am I supposed to go in there and go back to that. Everything still will look the same but it's forever changed. Something that was supposed to be so special changed my life forever. I used to love that place but now I want to sell it and never go back." This is your deepest sorrow speaking. I remember when I first moved into my current home 20 years ago with my then two precious senior companions. My kitty companion transitioned home to the angels 10 months after moving here, and my canine companion followed her the following year. I had begun to finish off the basement for our primary living space and after my beloved canine companion joined the angels I just wanted to sell the place. This is what grief does - - it envelopes the heart in the deepest pain of sorrow that we temporarily lose sight of the goodness in our lives.

Your heart is struggling to find the goodness when you share with us "Then I remember that Gunner is there and it was the only place that has ever felt like home since we lost our house. He loved that place so much." You have known joy at the cabin with your beloved Gunner, and hopefully as your deep grief eases your memories of your beloved Gunner's happier times will ease the deep sorrow in your heart that he is no longer physically with you. His sweet Living Spirit is ALWAYS with you wherever you go - - whatever you do - - whether you sell the cabin or find peace in your heart in going back there. I kept the house and finished off the basement living quarters - - and eventually enjoyed the company of four precious companions who thoroughly loved their "country" home. Three of my companions have transitioned home to the angels through the years, and I now have my sole survivor feline companion Noah who will be my last companion during my remaining earthly journey because of my senior years and now frail health situation. And at some point in time sooner than later I will need to sell this house and move into a senior living facility.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "There's a hole in my heart." Will the passage of time take away this hole in your heart? - - No, not completely - - BUT hopefully as your deep grief eases you will be able to feel the warmth of your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit and eternal love transform the deepest sorrow you are now feeling so that you can once again embrace and enjoy the many cherished memories you and your beloved Gunner share - - and once again enjoy the beauty of your cabin - - a place that your beloved Gunner thoroughly enjoyed.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your kind words. They make absolute sense to my head but my heart can't feel it yet. I'm sorry to hear about your health. I hope that you are doing good today. My husband tells me that I need to let go a little but he didn't have the bond that I did with Gunner. I feel like if I let go even a little that I am disrespecting him and will forget him. How do you let go of someone that you spent every day for the last 7 years with. He was with me through the worst times in my life. I just don't understand why his journey had to end so soon. Have a nice evening.

Hi Gunner's Mama,

I often wonder, too, why a pet's or a person's time has to be up in his or her earthly form. I lost a kitty in 1998 who was only 3 years old. The shock and grief were almost unbearable for me. As with your case, I had expected to have Mariah with me in her earthly form for many, many years!!

I like how moon_beam described the deep grief stage transitioning to a stage where you begin to find some peace. Her staying in her country home is a really good example. I hope you can take her words to heart: Gunner's "sweet Living Spirit is ALWAYS with you wherever you go - - whatever you do - - whether you sell the cabin or find peace in your heart in going back there."

I'm sure your husband hates to see you in so much horrible pain. Each person's grieving process is different, but I hope your whole family can be supportive of each other along this very difficult journey. And we're here for you.

Keep in touch,

Kathy

Thank you Kathy. My husband is very supportive but he is worried about me. He said that he has never seen me like this. It breaks his heart because he can't take my hurt away. The only thing that would I can't get back. It is 69 days and the tears keep coming. I'm trying. I really am but then the reality comes back that he's gone. Thanks for being here for me too.

Hi, Gunners Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can sooooo understand how you're feeling when you share with us "They make absolute sense to my head but my heart can't feel it yet. I feel like if I let go even a little that I am disrespecting him and will forget him. How do you let go of someone that you spent every day for the last 7 years with."

Gunners Mom, the depth of your grief cannot be measured in terms of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months - - no one can tell you it's been "x number of days" since your loss and now it's time to "move on" or "stop." Your beloved Gunner's transition from his earthly journey is a very traumatic event for you - - and the more intense the traumatic event is the more intense the grief adjustment journey is. Our emotions are not mechanical devices that can be turned on or off at will. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds for as long and as often as we need to - - there are no "expiration dates" here.

As for "letting go" of your beloved Gunner - - this is impossible. Please let me try to reassure you that as your deep grief eases you will in NO WAY forget or disrespect your beloved Gunner - - no matter how much time passes as you continue your earthly journey. Even now in my very senior years I still remember the sweet little kitty who shared my much younger years as a little girl - - and still feel the sorrow in my memory in the cruel way he transitioned from this earthly realm. But when I think of my little Willie I remember - - and smile - - at the "tea parties" we used to have together when I got home from school, and how he liked cheese and crackers for treats. I chuckle at his escapades - - one of them getting on the kitchen table after my mom had baked a cake and left it on the table to cool before icing it for dessert for dinner - - when no one was looking he proceeded to eat some of the cake while it was still warm. Of course my mom discovered this when she went to fix the icing and put it on the cake!!!! And with each memory I can feel my beloved little Willie close to me saying "that was fun!! - - or - - I always enjoyed our cuddles", etc. Please let me try to reassure you that you will NEVER EVER forget your beloved Gunner - - for the love bond you and your beloved Gunner share is ETERNAL.

This grief journey is not about "reasoning" - - it is about adjusting to the painful emotional and physical reality that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. There is no "time table" for this - - it can only be done one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time with the comforting reassurance that we are not alone in our journey but have the comfort, support, and encouragement of others who have traveled this same journey - - and endured its deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your heartfelt kind words. I really enjoyed your story about your kitty. I know that I can only take it one step at a time. That's all I can give right now. Thank you for thinking of me and keeping me in your prayers.

I keep thinking about the weeks before he passed away. I had been watching my grandson and I had left them at our house. The week before the holiday I said that I didn't want to take them because it was too much aggravation. I always worried about one of them running off since her yard isn't fenced in. Then the night before the holiday they were in the kennel and he was the only one sitting up and whining. I told him lay down buddy mama will see you in the morning. I feel so guilty. I wish I would have let him sleep with me that night. I just never would have thought that was the last night and morning that we would have together. That's time I can never get back. I always tried to protect him but why didn't I the night that it happened. If only I would have thought about him running into something outside in the dark before. I just thought it would never happen again. I still feel so guilty for so many things.

I lost my heart dog Holly over a year ago and I still miss her terribly and wish I had known she was going to die and I think about all the things I would have done if I had known. Guilt is often part of loss and time does have a way of helping. I have played many scenarios in my head but in the end you have to try and not let it cloud all the wonderful things, when I find my thoughts drifting to the guilt and negative I try and focus on the wonderful times we had.

Years ago we lost a young family dog when we were out playing with the dogs with their balls and they were chasing each other around. One of them impaled himself straight through the chest on a sharp dead branch at the bottom of a tree. Despite the vets efforts we lost him. My mother blamed herself for many years about not removing the dead branches but in all honesty how could you really know . There are certain things that it is hard to protect our dogs from and in the end one has to let them be dogs and run and be happy. I have walked dogs in the dark and them running into a tree is not an obvious danger so don't treat yourself too harshly.

Thank you Summerholly for your kind words. I try to not let the guilt creep in but sometimes it's hard. I completely understand how your mom felt. It's so hard when it's unexpected. You don't have time to even comprehend what going on. I try to think of the good times that we had together and sometimes I smile but sometimes they bring me to tears because it just makes me miss him so much. I'm just trying to take one day at a time. That's all any of us can do. Thank you again for responding.

Gunner's Mama,

I so relate to you about regrets! If only we could have the foresight to know what we then wish we knew in hindsight! I love what SummerHolly wrote: " in all honesty how could you really know . There are certain things that it is hard to protect our dogs from and in the end one has to let them be dogs and run and be happy. I have walked dogs in the dark and them running into a tree is not an obvious danger so don't treat yourself too harshly." Wise words. I feel it's true that if we thought of everything that could possibly happen, we would have no life left because we wouldn't be able to think of, or keep up with, all the things that could possibly go wrong.

You are among some caring people here. We relate and we are here for you. Please stay in touch!

Kathy

Thank you Kathy for your thoughts and kind words. I know what you mean by saying if we had to think of everything that could go wrong we couldn't live. Gunner did everything 110%. He may have only been on this earth for 7 years but he truly lived every single day. I think that's what I miss most about him. He had such a carefree spirit. He made every day so exciting. He always kept me on my toes. We still have 3 dogs but it's so quiet without him. Boy do I miss him.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "We still have 3 dogs but it's so quiet without him." Scientific studies prove that every living being has their own unique physical "energy" that they bring to the family unit. When this "energy" is no longer present, the dynamics of the family unit changes as it attempts to compensate for the loss of the missing "energy." This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment is so painful both emotionally and physically. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will find comfort in knowing that your beloved Gunner's "energy" is still with you in his sweet Living Spirit which is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam for checking on me. I believe what you mean by they each have there own unique energy. Gunner definitely had his. He was always into something. I seemed to be doing okay yesterday but today I woke up and I'm a complete wreck. All I have done is cry and have done the what ifs. I just miss him so much. I wish that I could feel him around me but I can't. I don't know why. We were so close. I don't know if he's angry at me for not protecting him. I just don't know how in supposed to go on without him. Sorry for being a mess.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Gunner is NOT angry with you. This is NOT why you cannot feel him close to you right now. When we are in deep grief it is difficult for us to "feel" our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit with us - - because our hearts are grieving, and all the emotions that accompany grieving overshadow our ability to feel our beloved companion still close to us. Each of us experience our beloved companion's closeness differently as well as with different intensity. NOT being able to feel them close to us does not mean they aren't. It simply means they are nestled deep within our hearts always ready to share a memory whenever we think of them.

I certainly understand how you're feeling when you share with us "I just don't know how in supposed to go on without him." This is one of the hardest parts of the physical and emotional adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Gunner. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell. We are taught to believe that what isn't tangible through these senses doesn't exist. But - - there is one dimension that transcends the physical world and that is the dimension of LOVE - - for love is eternal. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit IS with you wherever you go - - whatever you do - - whether or not you can "sense" him.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam for the kind words. Gunner and I were so bonded. I believe that our souls are connected. When he left he took a piece of my heart with him. I don't think that I will ever be the same person that I was before. I just want to feel close to him again. I just miss him so much.

Gunner's Mama,

Moon_beam's words are so very true and I hope you can take them to heart: " Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Gunner is NOT angry with you. This is NOT why you cannot feel him close to you right now. When we are in deep grief it is difficult for us to "feel" our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit with us - - because our hearts are grieving, and all the emotions that accompany grieving overshadow our ability to feel our beloved companion still close to us."

Gunner loves you and does not want you suffering. He is there with you.

I have to thank you again for caring so much and sharing your other post regarding reminders for us all. It is one of the most comforting and wise things I have ever come across. Gunner wants you to know these things.

Please keep sharing your feelings here.

Kathy

Thank you Kathy for the comforting words. I found that and after I read it it made mean feel a little better. I figured that all of us here are suffering with grief and I thought that it might help someone.I wanted to thank you for the idea about the letter. I have decided that when we go down to our cabin I am going to write a letter to Gunner and tie it to a balloon and send it to him in Heaven. I'm not ready just yet though. It will take some more time. Thanks again for checking on me.

Hi Gunner's Mama,

What a wonderful and very sweet idea about the balloon, for when the time feels right!! The letter will say what Gunner already knows and it will be a heartfelt expression of love from you to him.

Kathy

I just wanted to thank you for just listening to me. I helps a lot to talk to other people who feel the same way. I'm so glad that I found this forum and all of these caring people. I think you're right about Gunner wanting me to know those things. I came across that article and then I came across it again somewhere else. I think it was a sign from him. It helps but it still doesn't make me miss him any less.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate when you share with us: "I don't think that I will ever be the same person that I was before." You aren't expected to be - - for when our companions come into our hearts and homes our lives are forever changed for the better. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again as we endure the enormously painful task of adjusting our daily routines to the "new normal" without their sweet precious physical presence with us. No matter how much time passes there will always be a part of us that will continue to miss the sweet precious physical presence of our beloved companion. The good news is that the intensity of our deep sorrow will ease so that we can remember our cherished treasured memories with a happier heart instead of one that is burdened with deep sorrow. And this is what our beloved companions want for us - - this is what your beloved Gunner wants for you.

Sending your love letter heavenward to your beloved Gunner on a balloon is a wonderful idea whenever you feel up to doing it. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam for your kind words. I'm glad to hear that I don't have to be the same person as before because I just can't. I hate this new normal. I used to do things so effortlessly and now everything is a chore. It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. When Gunner was here everything was right with the world. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving. When I send Gunners balloon to him in Heaven I will let you know how it goes. Thank you again for everything.

I just wanted to share this video. I came across it yesterday even though it's from 2007. I had never seen it before. I wonder if it's a sign from Gunner. I really needed the message.

http://www1.cbn.com/content/sky-angel-cowboy

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the wonderful video. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "I used to do things so effortlessly and now everything is a chore. It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. When Gunner was here everything was right with the world. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving." It is perfectly normal to feel "disconnected" from what used to be your "normal" when you are grieving. I frequently describe the first few months of grieving like functioning on "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, jobs get done, bills get paid, meals are prepared, etc., but as you so aptly describe it " It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving." I promise you it will not always be this way, but for now just go with the flow. It's important to try to keep the stress levels as low as possible until you are feeling stronger again.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Gunner's Mama,

I bet Gunner did send you that sign!! Gunner wants to comfort his Mama.

Thinking of you tonight. Please keep in touch,

Kathy

Thank you LittleGirlsMommy. I think so too.I think he knew that I really needed him today because I saw 5 hawks throughout the day. He hated seeing me upset. He always would come up and comfort me. He just had that way about him. He always knew what I needed. Thank you for thinking of me and checking on me. I really appreciate it.

It is wonderful that you are so in tune with your boy. He is right there with you.

Blessings to you tonight, Gunner's loving Mama.

Kathy

Thank you Moon Beam for your kind words. I am just going with the flow. That's all I can do right now. One day at a time. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and care enough to respond. I really appreciate it.

I was having a rough day yesterday. I was petting all of our dogs and saying how much different all of their fur felt. I told my husband how much I missed how soft Gunners fur was. I fell asleep later and in my dream I got out of bed and saw Gunner laying on the bedroom floor. I started walking out of the bedroom and I realized that he was no longer with us on this earth so I ran back in the bedroom and looked on the floor but he was gone. I looked on the bed and he was laying there. I hugged him and his head was on my shoulder. I kept rubbing my face against him and petting him feeling how soft his fur was. I felt him nuzzle my ear. I remember asking him to paw me like he used to. He used to take his paw and pull on my forearm. He did it twice in my dream and I could feel how scratchy his pads on his feet were. Then I was in the family room and he was there and I squatted down and started hugging and petting him again. I could feel myself waking up and I tried to fight it because I didn't want it to end. It felt so real. I woke up crying because I was so happy but so sad. It made me miss him so much. I have been crying all over again this morning. I hate this hurt, this new normal and most of all I hate having to miss him. I just want him back.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can sooooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "I hate this hurt, this new normal and most of all I hate having to miss him. I just want him back." I have had similar dreams after a beloved companion has transitioned from this earthly realm, and it does hurt to wake up back into the nightmare reality that they are no longer physically with us. Hopefully in time you will find comfort in these "visits" with your beloved Gunner - - for he is letting you know he is still forever with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam for your kind words. I'm sure you will understand when I say this but it was mixed emotions. It was so sad to wake up and he wasn't here anymore but for some reason I knew that in the dream that I was having. I think that's why I really enjoyed the way he felt so much. It also made me happy because I knew he was still watching over me because he had to have heard me say that I just wanted to feel how soft he was again. The dream was so vivid and so real. I could feel him as though he was right there with me like he had never left. I have never had a dream that was that realistic in my life before. Thank you again for checking on me and seeing how I am doing.

Hi Kathy and Moon Beam. I haven't been on in a while because I was reading a book called animals and the afterlife by Kim Sheridan. I read it in a little over a week. It was very good and seemed to help. I have my better days and bad ones. I still cry every day. Yesterday was 3 months so that was hard. It just doesn't seem that long since I've seen his handsome face. I still look at pictures and videos of him everyday. Sometimes I catch my myself laughing at how silly he was and then sometimes I will just break down and cry. I just miss him so much. He was my boy and I won't ever have that bond with another dog. He was my special angel that God gave me. Kathy, when I read the story about Capone it took me right back to that night that I lost Gunner. The similarities were unreal. I cried the whole time that I read her post and I just felt like I had to respond to her. I know exactly what she's going through. I hope that she it's doing okay. Thank you for both for checking on me to see how I am doing. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "Sometimes I catch my myself laughing at how silly he was and then sometimes I will just break down and cry. I just miss him so much. He was my boy and I won't ever have that bond with another dog. He was my special angel that God gave me." Please let me try to reassure you that it is perfectly NORMAL to not have the same bond with another companion that you share with your beloved Gunner. As with our human relationships so it is the same with the relationships we have with our companions - - no two relationships are the same. They aren't meant to be. Each companion has his / her own special personality, likes / dislikes, etc.. They interact with us - - as we respond to them - - as the unique individual beings they are. As with our human relationships so it is also with our companions - - some relationships are closer than others - - with each one having their own special place in our hearts and lives. This doesn't mean we love our "different" companions less. It simply means that having "different" relationships is okay.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Gunner's Mama,

I was just catching up with your post from a couple of weeks ago about the dream! ANd yes, I totally agree he's watching over you (as you said, he is your special angel), and is there with you. He knew how you longed to feel his soft fur, and you even got to feel his scratchy paw pads.

Ahh so yesterday was the 3-month mark. I surely understand when you say it doesn't feel as though it's been that long since you've seen his physical self.

Thanks for sharing about that book by Kim Sheridan. I haven't read it. I'm really glad to hear that it helped some.

I was also really glad to read that you caught yourself laughing at a picture/video and something silly Gunner did ! I'm sure Gunner was right there too, amused and reliving those fun moments with you!!

Yes, Capone's Mommy's story was so similar to yours it was unreal. I'm sure that what you wrote to her was extremely comforting. There's nothing quite like hearing from someone else who has been through almost exactly what you have been through! It was so wonderful of you to do that, and I hope it somehow comforts you both.

Please continue to write any time!

Here for you,

Kathy