Feeling Lost Without My Boy Gunner, Loss of dog Options

[Gunners Mama]

I am new to this. I'm not even sure where to begin. I lost my special angel on Christmas night. We had a beautiful day with our family and then me, my husband and our 4 Boston Terrier went to our cabin in the woods. It had been a while since we had been there and we were so excited. We got there and exchanged presents. It was wonderful and we were so happy. We always got our dogs presents and this year it was some new balls. That's their favorite toy. I had picked them out a pack with a glow in the dark ball. I was inside cleaning up and I was saying a prayer to God thanking him for all of my blessings. My husband had taken the dogs outside to play with their new toy. They were having so much fun. He said he was going to bring our one dog inside so he wouldn't run into anything. He is almost blind but runs around like he can see perfectly. I can still hear him saying that to me. I wish that I would have told them to all come inside but I didn't. The next moment changed my life forever. He came running inside telling me that my dog Gunner had run into a tree chasing the ball. I ran outside and he was laying there. His eyes were open and his legs were stiff. My husband said not to move him just in case he was paralyzed. I looked at him and asked my husband if he was breathing. He did CPR on him but it didn't work. He was gone. How could he just be there playing and having fun and then be gone the next second. He was only 7 years old. I blame myself for buying that ball because he had run into a something one time chasing a ball when it was dark. If only I would have remembered that but I never thought that he would have run into anything again. I shouldn't have gotten them that glow in the dark ball. After it happened I went into shock. It was like an out of body experience. It was like I was there but I wasn't. Everything was in slow motion. I have never felt pain like this before. I don't even remember the whole month of January. I couldn't eat sleep or think clearly. I was just there staring into space begging God to let me go back and change it. I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart. I feel so guilty. I have cried every single day since its happened and I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't know if it was a terrible accident or part of God's plan. I ask myself that a million times a day. Thank you for listening.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Gunner. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so suddenly intensifies the grief.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

I would like to add my thoughts to our forum friends in that you did nothing wrong in getting the ball for your precious companions. Unfortunately we are not blessed with the gift of foreknowledge - - we do not know the how when where of how our companions will precede us to the angels. As our forum friend Kathy so compassionately said "Gunner passed from his physical body having SO much fun. Please try and think of that, if you possibly can." You gave your beloved Gunner a gift of JOY and LOVE. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that will ease the excruciating pain of guilt you are presently feeling.

I know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as our forum friend Kathy has already shared with you, as difficult as this grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Gunner there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Gunner share because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Hopefully in time you will come to know that your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. He is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, and you are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Gunner with us. Perhaps in time you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam