Our Wonderful Baby Bruno Options

[Hani&Bruno]

The day I've dreaded for so long has come.
Our wonderful baby Bruno passed away today after 13 years and 1 month with us.

It was on June 18, 2002. My partner Larry found him, a 2 month old Maltese, at a local petshop. He was looking for a present for my birthday which was a month away, but when he set sight on this little beuatiful angel he knew he had to bring him home that very day. We named him Bruno, a tough guy name, and since then, Bruno became a constant fixture in our little home and was loved immensely and returned that love to us. If you see one of my previous posts, written in 2007, you'll know I had another Maltese back in Korea, named Hani. Knowing that I was missing her terribly, Larry decided to get me a Maltese. And I just loved him so so very much. Such a beautiful face, mini-tough guy attitude... I just loved everything about him.
Hani passed away in March 2007, just past her 13th birthday. As Bruno aged, I always was aware he was reaching that age 13 fast.

Bruno needed knee surgery on both hind legs when he was 2-3 years old. After that he had no health issues whatsoever until 2010 when he started having trachea problem which was supposed to be very common in small breeds. Trachea problem has been kept under control with continuous medication. Two years ago, while I was out of job for four months, he got diagnosed with the enlarged heart. This has also been more or less kept under control with 3 different kinds of medication.
We've been very grateful. He just seemed to be slowing down in walking, maybe less active in some ways, and started to have hearing problems. But again, overall, we've been grateful.
We've been feeding him home made meals -- sweet potato, zucchini, chicken breast, ground beef, rice, etc., for the last year and a half or so, and he seemed to be thriving.
However, maybe a week and a half ago, it became harder to make him eat, especially his breakfast which is Larry's responsibility because he's retired. Dinner I fixed for him when I came home at night, he still ate well. It was Tuesday when I first got an absolute No from him while I was trying to make him eat his dinner. I cooked a little bowl of ground beef and he managed to eat that only. This, despite our hope, wasn't getting better, and we decided to take him to the vet.

Yesterday, Larry took him to the vet and was told that he had a very aggressive, bleeding painful tumor in his liver and had only days to live. He actually recommended that they put him to sleep right then and there because his breathing became labored as well. Larry couldn't let him do it. He had to bring him back home so we can have each other at least for another night. I would have fought the idea of putting him to sleep, but hearing that he must be in pain I couldn't say no.

Yesterday evening was lovely. Possibly thanks to the little shot or something to temporarily stop the bleeding, Bruno was close to his normal and ate some treats and was playful. However, the night was difficult. He couldn't stay put more than 3 minutes and was breathing very hard. We knew, as the vet said, his conditions were rapidly deteriorating.

Larry called the vet's office at 8:30 this morning and made an appointment for Bruno's passing for 11:40. Bruno was able to nap quite a while, looing very tired all along.

The time came and we took him to the vet. They took him out to the surgery room to put a catheter to his leg. When being taken out of the room, he was looking back at us. I will never forget those eyes. Surprisingly alert still and questioning. They took him back in the room where we were waiting. The vet put the tranquilizer first and let us stay with him for a few minutes. His muscle was relaxing and he laid down on his belly. The vet came back and processed the final shot. We could see Bruno reaching that rainbow bridge. The vet confirmed that Bruno passed away. I cried uncontrollably. Since yesterday evening, I've gone through multiple times of crying bouts. We came out of the vet's office without Bruno in our arms.

Earlier this morning, we managed to clip a little bit of his tail hair. Everywhere I look, everything reminds me of Bruno, and despite knowing for sure that this was the right decision and Bruno had a wonderfull life, I just am not confident how I will be able to get through this grief. I loved him so so much, and although I know we'll be reunited in heaven, I don't know how I will be able to keep him in beautiful memories and accept the fact that he's no longer with us physically. It's just too much and too raw.
I'm not sure if the picture was successfully uploaded. If it was, that was from yesterday evening, when he was being playful to our surprise. Still so incredibly beautiful...

I'm just so scared about this void in our life without Bruno being there as he has been the last 13 years and 1 month.
He was such a special boy and his presence was so ingrained in every facet of our life.

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[Hani&Bruno]

Moon_beam, thank you so much for your reply. I just know that I would need a lot of mini breaks at work tomorrow and the next several days. I use public transportation to commute. I usually like it but now it means I will have to suppress these sorrows longer than otherwise.
I've spent most of the afternoon on the patio with Larry, looking at the hummingbirds and mostly quiet street. That's where I feel most safe right now. We talked, checked consoling messages from friends, sobbed together.
How long will this gut wrenching sorrows last? Can you cry yourself out? I've been crying multiple times a day and it is draining, but in some ways, I feel like this is the least I can do for my beautiful Bruno in heaven. I'm not a religious person but it is so comforting to think there is this place called heaven and my Bruno is there waiting for me.
I talked about this with Larry but I feel like this huge sense of loss is partly coming from the fact that Bruno was the first little baby that I literally viewed as my child. We got Bruno when I was 34 and now I'm 48. Before that, I had other dogs when I was living with my mom and my siblings in Korea and I loved them including Hani, but there were other family members there and I didn't necessarily function as Hani's parent. But for Bruno, Larry and I were/are definitely his parents. We did everything, taking Bruno into consideration. He was/is the center of our life. That's what makes it so much harder for me. I let my child go before me. And also, I feel like this is an end of an era. I'm in the ripe middle age now compared to still young to beginning middle age with Bruno. How we will realign our life will be a big task for Larry and me. In Korea there's a saying that goes you bury your parents in the mountain but you bury your child in your heart. That's how I feel. When I cry, I keep saying my baby, my baby, oh my god... Bruno is my baby, and everywhere I look, I see his empty spots and it makes me just panic. I don't know how long this intense sorrow will last, when this stabbing pain will be a little less sharp...
Thank you again Moon_beam and everyone! I get comforts writing on this forum and hearing kind words from you...

[LittleGirl's...]

Hello, Bruno's Mom,

Eager to hear how you managed at work. Moon_beam offers such wisdom that on several occasions I have "copied and pasted" her posts to a folder on my computer that I can refer to when ......... a future dreaded day arrives........ I love how she explained the first-year (and beyond) grief adjustment, etc., etc.

Please continue to share anything and everything with us here. I love seeing the pictures of that most amazingly handsome and lovable boy of yours. And reading the stories about him--the special things he'd do. And how you and Larry are doing now. Sitting on the patio watching the hummingbirds and people is a WONDERFUL thing to be doing! A perfect activity.

I'm remembering back to when I have been in the throes of excruciating grief, and what helped or didn't help. Being around other people (i.e., work) was very difficult. I learned that what was best for me was to say very little about my grief because people's replies were stunning (even if they thought they were helping, what they said felt like minimizing the excruciating pain I was experiencing). If this happens to you, remember that you have Larry, other family, and us here---who really do understand what you are enduring.

Getting lost in a movie helped. Or playing a game. And ....eventually, stuff like making a collage of cherished pictures, writing a letter "to" the sweet pet I had lost, to pour out my love, any regrets I felt, etc. etc. And rescuing, in that pet's honor, another needy animal. That's just what I found helpful. Others here may have lots of other ideas, and you will find what works best for you.

Blessings to you. Looking forward to your next note!

Kathy