Our Wonderful Baby Bruno Options

[Hani&Bruno]

The day I've dreaded for so long has come.
Our wonderful baby Bruno passed away today after 13 years and 1 month with us.

It was on June 18, 2002. My partner Larry found him, a 2 month old Maltese, at a local petshop. He was looking for a present for my birthday which was a month away, but when he set sight on this little beuatiful angel he knew he had to bring him home that very day. We named him Bruno, a tough guy name, and since then, Bruno became a constant fixture in our little home and was loved immensely and returned that love to us. If you see one of my previous posts, written in 2007, you'll know I had another Maltese back in Korea, named Hani. Knowing that I was missing her terribly, Larry decided to get me a Maltese. And I just loved him so so very much. Such a beautiful face, mini-tough guy attitude... I just loved everything about him.
Hani passed away in March 2007, just past her 13th birthday. As Bruno aged, I always was aware he was reaching that age 13 fast.

Bruno needed knee surgery on both hind legs when he was 2-3 years old. After that he had no health issues whatsoever until 2010 when he started having trachea problem which was supposed to be very common in small breeds. Trachea problem has been kept under control with continuous medication. Two years ago, while I was out of job for four months, he got diagnosed with the enlarged heart. This has also been more or less kept under control with 3 different kinds of medication.
We've been very grateful. He just seemed to be slowing down in walking, maybe less active in some ways, and started to have hearing problems. But again, overall, we've been grateful.
We've been feeding him home made meals -- sweet potato, zucchini, chicken breast, ground beef, rice, etc., for the last year and a half or so, and he seemed to be thriving.
However, maybe a week and a half ago, it became harder to make him eat, especially his breakfast which is Larry's responsibility because he's retired. Dinner I fixed for him when I came home at night, he still ate well. It was Tuesday when I first got an absolute No from him while I was trying to make him eat his dinner. I cooked a little bowl of ground beef and he managed to eat that only. This, despite our hope, wasn't getting better, and we decided to take him to the vet.

Yesterday, Larry took him to the vet and was told that he had a very aggressive, bleeding painful tumor in his liver and had only days to live. He actually recommended that they put him to sleep right then and there because his breathing became labored as well. Larry couldn't let him do it. He had to bring him back home so we can have each other at least for another night. I would have fought the idea of putting him to sleep, but hearing that he must be in pain I couldn't say no.

Yesterday evening was lovely. Possibly thanks to the little shot or something to temporarily stop the bleeding, Bruno was close to his normal and ate some treats and was playful. However, the night was difficult. He couldn't stay put more than 3 minutes and was breathing very hard. We knew, as the vet said, his conditions were rapidly deteriorating.

Larry called the vet's office at 8:30 this morning and made an appointment for Bruno's passing for 11:40. Bruno was able to nap quite a while, looing very tired all along.

The time came and we took him to the vet. They took him out to the surgery room to put a catheter to his leg. When being taken out of the room, he was looking back at us. I will never forget those eyes. Surprisingly alert still and questioning. They took him back in the room where we were waiting. The vet put the tranquilizer first and let us stay with him for a few minutes. His muscle was relaxing and he laid down on his belly. The vet came back and processed the final shot. We could see Bruno reaching that rainbow bridge. The vet confirmed that Bruno passed away. I cried uncontrollably. Since yesterday evening, I've gone through multiple times of crying bouts. We came out of the vet's office without Bruno in our arms.

Earlier this morning, we managed to clip a little bit of his tail hair. Everywhere I look, everything reminds me of Bruno, and despite knowing for sure that this was the right decision and Bruno had a wonderfull life, I just am not confident how I will be able to get through this grief. I loved him so so much, and although I know we'll be reunited in heaven, I don't know how I will be able to keep him in beautiful memories and accept the fact that he's no longer with us physically. It's just too much and too raw.
I'm not sure if the picture was successfully uploaded. If it was, that was from yesterday evening, when he was being playful to our surprise. Still so incredibly beautiful...

I'm just so scared about this void in our life without Bruno being there as he has been the last 13 years and 1 month.
He was such a special boy and his presence was so ingrained in every facet of our life.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Bruno's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bruno. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Bruno's Mom, as you know so well already this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first experience or our thousandth - - each grief adjustment journey is uniquely painful because each individual relationship we have with each of our companions is uniquely different. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press that can speed up the journey or make it automatically disappear. Rather it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time allowing yourself to openly grieve all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

It is important that you try to find a way to comfort yourself when the ache of loss in your heart and arms is more than you can bear. Some of us find it helpful to hold something in our arms that belongs only to our beloved companion - - a blanket, collar, toy, - - whatever - - when the pain of not being able to hold their sweet body is overwhelming. No, it's not the same but it might be able to help you bridge both the physical and emotional pain of not being able to hold your beloved Bruno.

Indeed, when our companions come into our hearts and lives they literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels we are faced with the incredibly overwhelming painful task of re-inventing our lives to develop "new normals" that no longer includes their physical needs. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions lick / kiss us, touch / rub us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally go through a chemical withdrawal from this chemical imprint which is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so physically and emotionally painful.

Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member of friend. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow that it will make their grief journey less painful. Clinical professionals recognize that suppressed grief is harmful and may eventually lead to medical problems that will need to be taken care of. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunities to openly grieve for your beloved Bruno as frequently as you need to even if you need to find a private place away from others to do so.

Even though your beloved Bruno is no longer physically with you, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Bruno share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bruno's, and Hani's, sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Bruno with us, and these adorable pictures of your beloved boy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bruno's and Hani's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam