Tomorrow Will Be Four Weeks Options

[hegelsmom]

I can't believe that tomorrow my Hegel will have been gone for four weeks.
This past weekend, would have been his 11th birthday. I am so glad that we had
a little party for him last year on his 10th. (He loved angelfood cake!)

I have been a wreck the past few days. It seems to be getting harder, instead
of easier. I am still wracked with so much guilt for not recognizing how sick my
baby was. Anger at the sterile personality and actions of his ER doctor. Anger at
feeling cheated for our time cut too short.
Mostly, I am angry with myself. I had opportunity to take him to the vet, and I didn't.
I swear, I thought it was nothing more than an allergic/pemphigus flare up that he
had so many times before. I think I was in "super-mommy mode"., thinking mommy
could fix anything. When my vet told me how sick he was, I was shocked speechless.
I am left feeling like I betrayed my best friend, and feeling incompetent as a parent.
I feel so empty and sad. I am terrified my soon to be 8 month old is going to pick
up on this. I try so hard to be upbeat for him, but there aren't any more songs
being sung, or giggle sessions. I just can't. My husband plays with him when he
comes home, but he is gone a lot.

I would do anything to bring him back. I have had one dream, or vision, that led
me to believe my grandmother is taking care of him. I truly hope that is true.
It seemed so real. She died when I was 11, so she never knew him, but she and
my grandfather (who died when I was 1) loved animals very much, so it makes sense.

I loved him with a pureness and intensity that I have never felt. He loved and trusted
me unconditionally. That makes my guilt more intense. He trusted me to take care
of him. I treated him like royalty, but the one time I dropped the ball.
I love you so much precious baby, and dying no longer scares me, if we can be
reunited. Mommy loves you, forever.