I can't believe that tomorrow my Hegel will have been gone for four weeks.
This past weekend, would have been his 11th birthday. I am so glad that we had
a little party for him last year on his 10th. (He loved angelfood cake!)

I have been a wreck the past few days. It seems to be getting harder, instead
of easier. I am still wracked with so much guilt for not recognizing how sick my
baby was. Anger at the sterile personality and actions of his ER doctor. Anger at
feeling cheated for our time cut too short.
Mostly, I am angry with myself. I had opportunity to take him to the vet, and I didn't.
I swear, I thought it was nothing more than an allergic/pemphigus flare up that he
had so many times before. I think I was in "super-mommy mode"., thinking mommy
could fix anything. When my vet told me how sick he was, I was shocked speechless.
I am left feeling like I betrayed my best friend, and feeling incompetent as a parent.
I feel so empty and sad. I am terrified my soon to be 8 month old is going to pick
up on this. I try so hard to be upbeat for him, but there aren't any more songs
being sung, or giggle sessions. I just can't. My husband plays with him when he
comes home, but he is gone a lot.

I would do anything to bring him back. I have had one dream, or vision, that led
me to believe my grandmother is taking care of him. I truly hope that is true.
It seemed so real. She died when I was 11, so she never knew him, but she and
my grandfather (who died when I was 1) loved animals very much, so it makes sense.

I loved him with a pureness and intensity that I have never felt. He loved and trusted
me unconditionally. That makes my guilt more intense. He trusted me to take care
of him. I treated him like royalty, but the one time I dropped the ball.
I love you so much precious baby, and dying no longer scares me, if we can be
reunited. Mommy loves you, forever.

Hegels Mom,

I understand what you are going thru, it will be 4 weeks for me on Wednesday. Hegel was a very lucky little guy to have you as his mom and you didn't let him down. He lived a good life with you and he returned your love with a very special love that can never die.

I have had many cats and I do know that when they are sick they are masters at hiding their symptoms until its gone to far. Sometimes even when we get them to the vet in a timely manner there is nothing that can be done. Hegel lived a wonderful life with you, and he would not want to see you so sad. Please don't beat yourself up with guilt. Hegel knows that you love him, and did everything you could for him.

Kim

Dear Hegel'smom,

I know you are feeling devastated. I just want to tell you that the time spent with your son will go by so fast. My son is now 11 and it seems like yesterday that he was a baby. Please try to be strong for him, if you can. You were such a good mom to Hegel. You did not betray him and were not incompetent in any way. You did everything for him and gave him a life full of love. Please don't punish yourself any longer. I know it's hard to change the way we feel but I'd hate for you to miss out on these wonderful years with your son. Also, your husband must be upset that you are feeling so down. Hegel would also not want to see you so depressed. I know this is hard and I am still crying one minute and being "normal" the next so I do know how you feel.............I just want you to know that the years do fly by.

Love,
Lynn

Hegel's Mom.

Tommorow will be the 4th Wednesday since the passing of my boy. It has gotten worse for me too. I wonder if I killed him. And as time goes on, the less I am able to lean on my family for support. I guess we can lean on each other?

Punky's Mommy

I do not like to stick my nose into things like this but I also know how fast the years go by. I am left to wonder if you quit playing with your son because you feel guilt over the fact that you were paying so much attention to your son that you said Hegel went unnoticed.

I know you said your son went through many months of colic and you were trapped in the house because people looked at you like you were a bad mother. You are not a bad mother and you can still cry and grieve for your little Hegel who will always be a part of you. Your son is a part of you too and he needs you so much. No one is judging you in any way but honey your son needs his mama to tickle him, hug him, play with him and sing to him. Could you think of life without that sweet baby of yours. What if he feels like you are rejecting him. I know he is young but even babies can feel something is not right.

My oldest daughter had her first baby years ago and he had colic and she was tired and felt drained all the time. He got on her nerves with his crying and she said she could not take care of him properly or even love him as much as she should. It was not until Jacob got sick and there was a danger that he was going to die and she said then she knew she loved him with all her heart. He lived and she rejoiced as did we all.

I know you surely love your son and you know that he needs the love, care and affection that only his mama can give. That does not mean that you have forgotten Hegel or that you stopped loving him. Hegel would want you to love your baby and take care of him too. I hope I did not hurt your feelings in any way as I just wanted to bring you comfort and also to know your darling son needs you too.
Hugs, Ann
Happy 11th Birthday at the Rainbow Bridge Hegel I hope you ate plenty of angelfood cake.

no offense taken, Ann.

My mother has asked me, "You don't blame the baby do you?"

No, I don't blame my sweet little baby. I blame me. I used to think we might
try for another baby, but this has left me feeling too incompetent.
I am not irritated with my son at all. During all of his crying from colic to now teething, I have never been angry with him. I have felt helpless, and upset, but
never angry.
It's more along the lines of, as much as I loved my Hegel, and I allowed him to get
so sick, how can I trust myself to attend to my baby? I had a special needs cat,
(auto immune disorder), a special needs dog, that I have to make home made food
for, and a crying baby. The baby was the "squeakiest wheel" by far! The dog
came in second, my little Hegel only meowed every night promptly at 7:00.(for his
wet food treat). The rest of the time, he was cuddly and loving. My point is, our
furbabies can hide that their sick, and my son was crying over EVERYthing!
Like I said, I wanted to be super-mommy, and take care of all of them. It was only
in hindsight, that I determined that I had been neglecting Hegel. I never once felt
like I was ignoring him. It wasn't so much ignore, as some sort of denial that there
was a problem.
Before my son was born, I had never even changed a diaper. I guess I was a little
overwhelmed, and in over my head. I'm not complaining. I have loved being a mother, wish I hadn't waited so long to do it.

I just feel so dead inside, that it is hard to be joyful. If I catch myself casually
snickering at something I've read, or on TV, I instantly feel guilty. I know this will
pass, but surely many of you have felt this way as well.

it is just a very hard time. all of you know this, as we are all hurting.

I remeber the feeling....in some aspects you dont want things to get better, or to move on. Also the guilt....for me it was getting distracted which allowed my boy to wander off...and most of all for not being strong enough to go say goodbye, even though we know these are natrual things to go through..(should've could've would've) they are very real and hurtful feelings. But things happen the way they do for a reason, someday we will all know that reason. Hang in there. Thinking of you, Pamela

Hegel's mom-
I really feel for you. I know you are going through a difficult time. Try not to blame yourself too much. As I said in a previous post, I was so busy with my kids, job and the holidays that I did not take Lucy into the vet until right before Christmas when I actually noticed she seemed to be eating less a couple of weeks before. Her energy was still good and I thought she was just being "picky" with her eating. As it turns out, she has lymphoma and even taking her in sooner would not really have helped. So don't feel so guilty.
I know the feeling of needing to be super mom. Our society puts much pressure on moms to be perfect in every way, sheilding our children from anything unpleasant or negative. It is hard. Just take it day by day. Read some books with your son, take him on some peaceful walks. You don't have to be jumping up and laughing all the time, teaching him new skills every hour...you have just gone through a traumatic experience and that is not the place you are at right now. Just try and do some low key activities with him. It is okay if he sees you cry from time to time. That is what life is about. You will get through this as a family. Your son will see you go through many happy times as well as sad times through life. Unfortunately, this is one the sad times. I will try and listen to my own advice too as I am grieving Lucy's impending death and caring for a 16 month old and a three and a half year old. Some days are for sure harder than others. Take care of yourself. You will get through this...

Caroline

Thank you Caroline.

I found these in an article thought it was interesting................Above all, you'll need to start watching your geriatric cat very closely for hints of illness. "Cats tend to be more subtle than dogs when it comes to showing they're sick," says Dr. Barbara Stein, owner of the Chicago Cat Clinic, "because instinct tells them that - as in the wild - to show some type of problem is to become prey." After weeks of seeming healthy, a cat suddenly may display signs of being very ill, catching his owner off guard. Too often, pet owners hope a small problem will go away, only to seek their veterinarian's advice when their cat is beyond help

Dear HegelsMom,

You didn't drop the ball. Our animals can't talk to us and we have only limited information to make important decisions for them.

I had a similar experience with my 17-year-old dog, Max. I told my vet throughout Max's life that I wanted every preventative test regardless of cost -- I sometimes even went elsewhere for a second opinion.

The day Max died, he jumped around anticipating his morning walk, ate his breakfast and played with me.

That night, I worked late -- my husband phoned to tell me Max was acting funny but he thought it was diarrhea, which Max occasionally had with no lasting effects. So I stayed at work until 10 PM. When I got home, I could see Max was in pain and rushed him to the emergency vet. It turned out that Max was "a time bomb waiting to do off" per the emergency vet -- I don't know what killed him, but he passed away on his own by 3:30 AM.

Did I drop the ball? Well, I sure felt like I did. I made a mistake his last day that perhaps could have prolonged his life or saved him pain. I also did everything in my power to prevent illness, and he still became ill. But for 17 years, I loved him more than my own life and made him as happy as I could.

You would have done anything for your baby and that's the most they can ask of us. Hegel knows. Be gentle with yourself -- he had years of careful attention. When we know what they need, we provide it, Karen

I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my 7 year old Cinnamon 15 days ago. I also was feeling gulity and mad as heck. Her vet told us she was fine and even snap at us for asking questions. We brought her home and she wasn't doing well and we didn't take her to a different vet for 2 weeks. So we blame ourselfs, but even the new vet kept telling us daily that she was getting better everyday, until the day they said we could bring her home then that morning they said she passed. Which now we feel like we deserted her in her time of need. But I do have to say the wonderful people here are helping me cope and I know you all understand the pain. And I guess some things we just can't help.So sorry for you, take care. Bless you Patty

Dear Hegel's mum

The 4 week mark seems to be one of the most difficult times in the grieving process apart from those first few dreadful days. I have seen this mentioned several times on LS and indeed at 4 weeks I myself felt I was completely back to square one again, was weeping buckets and felt I hadn't progressed at all along the grieving path.

I know it's different for everyone, but I noticed a marked improvement around 5 and a half weeks, so hang on in there it does get a little better ... the emotions get less raw and the pain less relentless. I thought I would never feel any better, but slowly things are improving. It's not a steady path, it's more like 2 steps forward, one step back, and then, of course, there are always blips and overwhelming times but they are less frequent.

Thinking of you
with love
jilly

Dear Hegelsmom-

The 4 week anniversary of Shiloh's passing was a very hard one for me as well. Like I said to Lynn, I think 4 weeks is hard because we transition from counting weeks to counting months. I can tell you from my experience, things will get better, then get really bad again, then get better, etc. As time passes, the "better" times start to be longer than the "bad" times.

You're in my thoughts,
Kathleen

Hegel's mom- how are you doing? Just thinking about you and hoping that you are hanging in there...
Caroline

I know your Hegal was very special to you and I know you miss him terribly. Please know your pain over losing him will slowly fade with the passage of time.

I'm glad the two of you had so many happy years together...you were very lucky to have found each other. You will carry him in your heart now....his love and memory will remain with you always.

Take care,
__Jim

I'm very sorry you are having a hard time. Guilt is such a normal part of this process, and I think each one of us experiences it to some degree. I say that only to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. You did not neglect Hegel, and as Pamela posted, animals, especially cats, are good at covering up illness. You must forgive yourself and move forward, for your child, your husband and most importantly YOU! The four week mark was very difficult, just the questioning, did I do the right thing, what didn't I do, why didn't I see this? Oh all the questions that run through your head. The only certain thing is that you loved Hegel very much, and you gave Hegel and wonderful life, and did everything possible! Go give your little boy a hug and a tickle, a childs laughter is the best medicine!
thinking of you
Libby