Feeling Incredible Guilt Over The Loss Of My Beloved Dakota Rose.... Options

[Dakota Rose'...]

On Nov. 8th at 3:42 am my world collapsed and I wanted to die....

I'm having incredible and excruciating pain I do not know how to cope with and it's only becoming more unbearable as the days going on....and I'm surrounded by people who do not understand the life and loss of an animal so precious to them....so I'm going to try to write about it and share her story of the untimely death of my 3 year old baby Dakota Rose....

I know this is very long and in going into details in hopes of helping me somehow process, but maybe MAYBE this could help another save their dog one day...because clearly I was unable to save my baby girl.....

October 31st 2013...I had just let Dakota out to go potty, when oddly enough she would suddenly not climb up the steps? I had no idea why suddenly she would do this as she had just gone up them a second ago to get upstairs to go out. I then lifted her upstairs and she began running around normal to where I thought, hmm well we were at the park last night maybe she sprained or pulled a muscle? She continued to go down steps, but would not go up them. So I continued to just carry her up them much to her dismay. I think in a way she was embarrassed, because she was always the dog that when she threw up even though not once her going potty in the house or throwing up did I scold her in the least...but when she did, she'd run and hide almost in shame or embarrassment. So I figured this was about the same reaction for her, being embarrassed she didn't want to do it herself.

So this continues and then on Sunday my friend came over and Dakota always had very expressive ears always moving back and forth. Well my friend said something in regards to her ears as we were watching Game of Thrones saying "Her ears almost look as if they are moving to the beat of the music". We both had a good laugh paying no mind. Well because she seemingly was fairly normal when on flat ground, I started wondering hmm...I wonder if when running up from the steps getting one of her toys that I threw down the stairwell maybe she took a nose dive and that's what was causing her to not go up stairs, that it was more fear based. So I spoke to my uncle and he said why not bring her over to play with Eh (Their dog) and see how she does with steps. So I said yeah that's a good idea, I will. Before doing it, that night I was downstairs with my mom upstairs and my plan was to take a video see if her hind leg(s) were in fact sore. Well in the video she is very hesitant, but finally goes up the steps and sure enough she kicks her hind legs to the side. I had her go up the next flight, not to hurt her but was trying to determine which leg it was. Because she wasn't whining, I figured it wasn't anything "too serious". Needless to say I couldn't figure it out, just did some reading on sprains/pulled muscles in dogs and it advised you'll need to help them with stairs/lift onto beds for like 3 weeks for it to heal. No biggie, my dog is 32 lbs just said ok Dakota I'm going to be your ride for a few weeks!

Well then that night before I had a chance she went to try to jump on the bed and for the first time in her life, she went to jump up hit her head on the side of the bed and fell down. So in other words she didn't get that high up....I felt so badly, lifted her up onto the bed, gave her a treat and tried soothing her....

Then Tuesday was about the same, just lifted her up/down when needed much to again her dismay. She wouldn't get upset in the least, more sheepishly run away....

Then Tuesday night I decided to put a heating pad on the lowest setting under her blanket hoping it would help with the soreness. I then woke up Wednesday morning and she was sitting up panting in bed (She sleeps in my bed with me) and I knew it didn't feel hot, but opened the window just in case. Figured maybe she was in a bit more pain than I'd realized and decided I had to take her to the vet. Here's the thing, the vet office I brought her to was closed on Wednesdays....and thinking we could wait until Thursday and I'd just continue as I was to life her, help her. I never ever imagined that this was an emergency!!!

Then Thursday morning woke up to go to the bathroom, she was sleeping then when I got up to go to the bathroom she jumped down and followed me into the bathroom. This was very odd, because she always stayed in bed knowing I would be back. When she first started sleeping on my bed, she did this but that was more insecurity because she didn't yet trust/know I was coming back right away. So for her to jump off the bed and follow I thought hmm that is very weird? So I lifted her back into bed, then when my alarm woke me to get up and shower once more she was sitting up panting. I said to her baby it's alright we are going to the vet this morning.....I lifted her off my bed and brought her into the shower with me for fear she'd once more jump off the bed. While in the shower, I watched her she was moving around a lot and starting to be a bit more shaky. Her appointment was at 11:30 am and I worked then at 9. Because we were so short in the office I went in for 2 hrs before going home to get her. When we walked out, she went poop and still wasn't thinking anything overly serious at this point. I have a picture of her I took of her sitting up per usual in my car like my little navigator.

We get to the vet office and I took a video of how suddenly really jittery she was in the vet office, which wasn't like her at all. The vet came in and they were looking at her eyes, said all looked normal but kept saying she can't keep her head still. I asked if she was possibly in pain from her hind leg? They looked at her legs, pulled & poked and no reaction which I thought kind of odd. They said that they were more concerned with the shaking, but said we have no idea why she is. Said are you sure she didn't get into anything, drugs, coffee, cig butts, etc. I said no seriously if you saw my house there is nothing, plus she hadn't been anywhere for a week and she was also never a dog who'd just eat whatever anyhow. Regardless there was nothing she could get into and she was always at my side. They took her temp and she had one at 103.8....they said that her shaking can also be the cause of increasing her temp. I said ok what do we do, what could possibly be wrong with her. They said I'm sorry we really do not know what's wrong. They took blood, tested her liver & kidneys...both came back normal. While waiting for the results we walked around and she was skittish which was also odd....but again figured maybe her leg was getting worse....also when the vet called to her normally she'd go to anyone, well she'd start go, but just turned around and came back to me. Also when she was out of the room getting blood drawn, she went to walk back and she thought I was in a different room. She had her nose in the corner trying to get in. I called her, normally she would have known I was behind her and turn around. This time she didn't, I had to go up to her side and still she wasn't focused on me, but the door I had to then lift her into the room. Also I pointed out how just now she had a really dry nose with almost like a white like line on it, they barely looked at it....

So I asked them WHAT do we do?! They said well we can put her on fluids to lower her temp and IF anything is in her system it would flush it out, again I protested that I'm telling you she didn't get into anything! I kept looking for guidance and they kept saying fluids so I thought ok well we've got to get her body temp lowered anyhow so I left her there for 4 hrs to get fluids which was SO incredibly hard....but I had a co-worker at work who was also sick who was going to try to go in to the doctor. So figured ok this is what we've got to do. Even though my co-worker before I left said if it turns out to be something serious don't worry about coming back, and I just kind of said no I don't think it's anything serious just her leg. I said I hope I'm just overreacting really....

Then at 5:30 pm I called the vet to see how she was doing and that I was on my way to come get her. They said they called one vet, they recommended a tox screen and I said honestly if I thought she'd gotten into anything I would have done one, but that isn't it. She then called the U of M Medical Center and they recommended an MRI of her brain. I asked how much that would cost, they said approx. $2,200. I started crying thinking I don't have that money, but she's a 3 year old young dog I was going to do whatever for her, cost be damn! Oh and mind you prior to this, the vet was "nervous laughing" when telling me this and I had all I could do to say "DO you think this is funny, because it's NOT to me!"

So I go to pick her up....they bring her out and she and I are sitting on the floor and she lays between my legs, eyes closed. I said to my mom and them, this is not normal for her to close her eyes in a strange place....they said oh I'm sure she is just happy to see you....I should have stayed with my gut, but I just said yeah maybe you're right. I'm sure it was exhausting on her to be left for 4 hrs with an IV in her....so I said ok with the shaking if that raises her temp, what can we do to help with that so it doesn't get high again? I asked them about valium which is what they had earlier mentioned. So they gave me some to give her at home.

We got home and she started acting a bit weird, slightly lethargic. She was walking and she slightly turned into a table leg. I gave her the valium and at one point she was barking very odd like almost at a shadow. I picked her up to lay on the couch with her. She seemed suddenly so peaceful, calm and I thought ok we can make it here and I will take her in tomorrow either for the MRI or a second opinion. I was talking to my friend whose a vet tech student and she said "I would bring her in for a 2nd opinion - the place I had taken her doesn't really have much experience and so elsewhere they may know what's wrong". She said in her words, I don't think she is going to keel over and die tonight and oddly found comfort in that thinking thank god....not sure why I put so much into those words....

Then when laying on my lap she started moving around almost like she was having trouble, figured it was the valium though. She was moving her head onto my chest, shoulder and arm. Looking back now....she was losing muscle control and here I thought it was the drugs...

I decided seen as she didn't eat I wanted to try to get her to eat some food. I lifted her into the kitchen, went to set her down (I'm one that I set them all the way down - not drop them mid air) and when I did so, she fell to her side. I panicked, lifted her and brought her out to the living room and suddenly she started panicking and trying to "stand up" and she couldn't! I called my vet tech friend and said is it possible for the valium to do this to her, cause her not to be able to walk. She said what dose did they give you, I told her and she said no this would not cause her to be unable to walk. She said take a video of her, send it to me so I can see how shes reacting. I tried doing so, but couldn't get the damn video to send. She then said take her temp. We didn't have one, so she told me how to check otherwise. All looked normal and my mom was holding her and we put a bag of veggies on her belly to cool her. Then soon after she looked like she was having a stroke as her facial muscles moved and then her leg started kicking. I panicked and my friend said, calm down and whisper to her - it will help her, panicking will only make things worse. So I did....and the seizure/stroke whichever it was stopped. She was then calm, eyes closed but responsive. Then another happened, and another....I said I'm bringing her to the ER! I brought her in and carrying her in, broke my heart to see one of her paws hanging outward as if no control over it...

They came in with paperwork basically getting me to sign what I was willing to pay, on if they needed to run by me medical stuff first or just do it even if the bill could be $300 to $700 dollars. I signed to do whatever they needed to just help her.....They came back after looking her over and said we believe she may have either viral or bacterial meningitis....I already crying said how could she possibly have gotten that?! After rattling off tons of reasons most of I didn't catch, I said can it be fatal and she said "Yes." I lost it saying no no she can't die!!!

They said she was having multiple seizures and they said with their being 2 forms of meningitis they'd have to test to see which one if either it was. They said one requires antibiotics and the other steroids. They said they could put her on antibiotics, but steroids they couldn't till they knew if it was that form or it'd make her worse. They said we needed to bring her to another ER with the equipment and a neurologist who'd be in the next AM to look at her. They took then 30 min checking us out which I thought was SO stupid given we were going to their sister clinic to hospitalize her. They said she'd be hospitalized 24 hrs at the least, most likely though a few days.

Upon them carrying her out to me, she had lost complete responsiveness and it was heartbreaking to see my baby girl like this....so on the drive down, I held her upright talking to her soothing, hoping she could hear me saying how much I love her and it's going to be ok, we were getting her the help she needed.....

When we arrived, they came out to get her again her paw was hanging out no control over it....they brought her back, catheter already in to hook her up....and came out and said she does have signs of meningitis, we recommend doing a spinal tap most likely, but the neurologist will be in at 8 am to determine that. I said I know it's the middle of the night, but can't you call her now? This is a 3 year old dog and somethings seriously wrong...they said we can't pull her from her house in the middle of the night away from her kid, I said I'll watch her kid...but I'm scared of what's wrong with her!

They said we will start her on antibiotics in case it is that kind of meningitis then they will see her in the AM and assess her situation then. I resigned not knowing what else to do and had a false sense of calm her "being in the hospital". We were going to leave for a few hours so I could go home start a "Chip in" online as I had friends who wanted to help with her mounting medical bills even so far....we were up to $700 dollars already in less than 14 hours....I asked if I could see her before I left, to say goodnight and I'd be back in a few hours. They said sure, do you want us to bring her to you or go back to her. I said go back to her, I was afraid to jeopardize anything with her and didn't want to move her. They said ok, let me go back and see if they are ready for you to go back. So as I was pacing in the lobby waiting, the guy came out and what I assumed to say "We are ready for you", instead he said "Dakota has stopped breathing....would you like us to continue CPR?" My heart stopped and in that instance I wanted to literally die, go with her wherever that was! I couldn't believe this was happening!! I didn't even know she was sick!!! How could this possibly be happening to her?! I fell to the floor my legs were so weak and just screamed and cried, until finally they came out and said "It's been 14 minutes....if it was my dog, I'd let her go....." Something inside me broke, a part of me died....I've actually had a lot of death of close relatives including my 17 yr old nephew, 35 yr old brother in law and 45 yr old sister....all traumatic deaths, but hearing that Dakota Rose was dead this tore me to the very core of my existence!

They asked me if I wanted to see her.....and they brought her out on a gurney....to see my beautiful little dog looking so perfect and young, how could this possibly have happened to her and HOW could I not have even known she was SICK! I feel as if I completely let down one of the most important beings in my life! She counted on me and I let her down when she needed me the most!! I keep replaying ok when she stopped going up steps, would I have brought her in...honestly no....but when she went to jump on my bed and barely made it up, I should have brought her in. If nothing else they would have seen she wasn't reacting to their poking/pulling and I would have questioned more ok WHY can she not go up steps nor jump on my bed, obviously something is going on. Ok in not bringing her in, the next was when I woke to her sitting up/panting. I know that's a sign of stress and/or pain....again figured she'd be ok until Thursday.....then when they didn't know what was wrong, THEN I should have brought her elsewhere to see if another could have figured it out...instead of leaving her for fluids. Then at home, when she was acting a bit more weird, that was at say 7pm? Why not bring her in, then at the VERY least when she lost muscle control, instead of taking a damn video to show my vet tech friend why didn't I immediately bring her in then she may have been either almost or to the ER when she had her first seizure and they could have maybe got it under control to buy time to figure out what was wrong....

I know so many say hindsight is 20/20, but honestly I challenge anyone not to question this line of happenings when my inability to make a good decision could have very well cost my most precious baby her LIFE!!!

There are so many many MANY more feelings & emotions rushing me that I'm hoping there are some kind understanding people on here that will talk to me....because I'm at a loss and actually a bit scared at how much this is effecting me....I don't know how to go on without her. I always knew that I would have to say goodbye, but at THREE YEARS OLD?! AND being so stupid that I couldn't even see something seriously was wrong and it wasn't her "hind leg being sprained/sore/pulled muscle"! I had to put to sleep my 19 1/2 yr old dog dusty and that was devastating, but in a different way...because with him I could say he had a good long life and was happy, with Dakota I feel cheated for her....she was ripped from this world and it's so wrong that it happened and feeling a sense of some responsibility over her death at such a young age.......

Please help me....I'm broken on the inside and don't know what to do......I miss her more than words can express...

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[JuliaSC]

Oh my God! I'm so so sorry! I feel your pain! It's a young dog and this just feels so unfair that a young pet had to be taken by God so soon! I can't explain what I feel toward those people at the vet when they laughed, seems to me many people chose this profession not because of the passion to help animals but to simply rip us off as much as they can! I've been there with my cat when they prescribed unnecessary procedures which cost us over $1k. I think you are right we should always listen to our gut! Sometimes I was just relying on vets because they have medical education, I don't, they have experience with animal deceases, I don't. But we should always go with our instinct and intuition.
Do you have any other pets in your house?
I want to say I so feel your pain! Loss of a loved pet is no difference than a loss of a child. To many of us our pets are our adopted children with 4 paws and tails. You are not alone!!!