On Nov. 8th at 3:42 am my world collapsed and I wanted to die....

I'm having incredible and excruciating pain I do not know how to cope with and it's only becoming more unbearable as the days going on....and I'm surrounded by people who do not understand the life and loss of an animal so precious to them....so I'm going to try to write about it and share her story of the untimely death of my 3 year old baby Dakota Rose....

I know this is very long and in going into details in hopes of helping me somehow process, but maybe MAYBE this could help another save their dog one day...because clearly I was unable to save my baby girl.....

October 31st 2013...I had just let Dakota out to go potty, when oddly enough she would suddenly not climb up the steps? I had no idea why suddenly she would do this as she had just gone up them a second ago to get upstairs to go out. I then lifted her upstairs and she began running around normal to where I thought, hmm well we were at the park last night maybe she sprained or pulled a muscle? She continued to go down steps, but would not go up them. So I continued to just carry her up them much to her dismay. I think in a way she was embarrassed, because she was always the dog that when she threw up even though not once her going potty in the house or throwing up did I scold her in the least...but when she did, she'd run and hide almost in shame or embarrassment. So I figured this was about the same reaction for her, being embarrassed she didn't want to do it herself.

So this continues and then on Sunday my friend came over and Dakota always had very expressive ears always moving back and forth. Well my friend said something in regards to her ears as we were watching Game of Thrones saying "Her ears almost look as if they are moving to the beat of the music". We both had a good laugh paying no mind. Well because she seemingly was fairly normal when on flat ground, I started wondering hmm...I wonder if when running up from the steps getting one of her toys that I threw down the stairwell maybe she took a nose dive and that's what was causing her to not go up stairs, that it was more fear based. So I spoke to my uncle and he said why not bring her over to play with Eh (Their dog) and see how she does with steps. So I said yeah that's a good idea, I will. Before doing it, that night I was downstairs with my mom upstairs and my plan was to take a video see if her hind leg(s) were in fact sore. Well in the video she is very hesitant, but finally goes up the steps and sure enough she kicks her hind legs to the side. I had her go up the next flight, not to hurt her but was trying to determine which leg it was. Because she wasn't whining, I figured it wasn't anything "too serious". Needless to say I couldn't figure it out, just did some reading on sprains/pulled muscles in dogs and it advised you'll need to help them with stairs/lift onto beds for like 3 weeks for it to heal. No biggie, my dog is 32 lbs just said ok Dakota I'm going to be your ride for a few weeks!

Well then that night before I had a chance she went to try to jump on the bed and for the first time in her life, she went to jump up hit her head on the side of the bed and fell down. So in other words she didn't get that high up....I felt so badly, lifted her up onto the bed, gave her a treat and tried soothing her....

Then Tuesday was about the same, just lifted her up/down when needed much to again her dismay. She wouldn't get upset in the least, more sheepishly run away....

Then Tuesday night I decided to put a heating pad on the lowest setting under her blanket hoping it would help with the soreness. I then woke up Wednesday morning and she was sitting up panting in bed (She sleeps in my bed with me) and I knew it didn't feel hot, but opened the window just in case. Figured maybe she was in a bit more pain than I'd realized and decided I had to take her to the vet. Here's the thing, the vet office I brought her to was closed on Wednesdays....and thinking we could wait until Thursday and I'd just continue as I was to life her, help her. I never ever imagined that this was an emergency!!!

Then Thursday morning woke up to go to the bathroom, she was sleeping then when I got up to go to the bathroom she jumped down and followed me into the bathroom. This was very odd, because she always stayed in bed knowing I would be back. When she first started sleeping on my bed, she did this but that was more insecurity because she didn't yet trust/know I was coming back right away. So for her to jump off the bed and follow I thought hmm that is very weird? So I lifted her back into bed, then when my alarm woke me to get up and shower once more she was sitting up panting. I said to her baby it's alright we are going to the vet this morning.....I lifted her off my bed and brought her into the shower with me for fear she'd once more jump off the bed. While in the shower, I watched her she was moving around a lot and starting to be a bit more shaky. Her appointment was at 11:30 am and I worked then at 9. Because we were so short in the office I went in for 2 hrs before going home to get her. When we walked out, she went poop and still wasn't thinking anything overly serious at this point. I have a picture of her I took of her sitting up per usual in my car like my little navigator.

We get to the vet office and I took a video of how suddenly really jittery she was in the vet office, which wasn't like her at all. The vet came in and they were looking at her eyes, said all looked normal but kept saying she can't keep her head still. I asked if she was possibly in pain from her hind leg? They looked at her legs, pulled & poked and no reaction which I thought kind of odd. They said that they were more concerned with the shaking, but said we have no idea why she is. Said are you sure she didn't get into anything, drugs, coffee, cig butts, etc. I said no seriously if you saw my house there is nothing, plus she hadn't been anywhere for a week and she was also never a dog who'd just eat whatever anyhow. Regardless there was nothing she could get into and she was always at my side. They took her temp and she had one at 103.8....they said that her shaking can also be the cause of increasing her temp. I said ok what do we do, what could possibly be wrong with her. They said I'm sorry we really do not know what's wrong. They took blood, tested her liver & kidneys...both came back normal. While waiting for the results we walked around and she was skittish which was also odd....but again figured maybe her leg was getting worse....also when the vet called to her normally she'd go to anyone, well she'd start go, but just turned around and came back to me. Also when she was out of the room getting blood drawn, she went to walk back and she thought I was in a different room. She had her nose in the corner trying to get in. I called her, normally she would have known I was behind her and turn around. This time she didn't, I had to go up to her side and still she wasn't focused on me, but the door I had to then lift her into the room. Also I pointed out how just now she had a really dry nose with almost like a white like line on it, they barely looked at it....

So I asked them WHAT do we do?! They said well we can put her on fluids to lower her temp and IF anything is in her system it would flush it out, again I protested that I'm telling you she didn't get into anything! I kept looking for guidance and they kept saying fluids so I thought ok well we've got to get her body temp lowered anyhow so I left her there for 4 hrs to get fluids which was SO incredibly hard....but I had a co-worker at work who was also sick who was going to try to go in to the doctor. So figured ok this is what we've got to do. Even though my co-worker before I left said if it turns out to be something serious don't worry about coming back, and I just kind of said no I don't think it's anything serious just her leg. I said I hope I'm just overreacting really....

Then at 5:30 pm I called the vet to see how she was doing and that I was on my way to come get her. They said they called one vet, they recommended a tox screen and I said honestly if I thought she'd gotten into anything I would have done one, but that isn't it. She then called the U of M Medical Center and they recommended an MRI of her brain. I asked how much that would cost, they said approx. $2,200. I started crying thinking I don't have that money, but she's a 3 year old young dog I was going to do whatever for her, cost be damn! Oh and mind you prior to this, the vet was "nervous laughing" when telling me this and I had all I could do to say "DO you think this is funny, because it's NOT to me!"

So I go to pick her up....they bring her out and she and I are sitting on the floor and she lays between my legs, eyes closed. I said to my mom and them, this is not normal for her to close her eyes in a strange place....they said oh I'm sure she is just happy to see you....I should have stayed with my gut, but I just said yeah maybe you're right. I'm sure it was exhausting on her to be left for 4 hrs with an IV in her....so I said ok with the shaking if that raises her temp, what can we do to help with that so it doesn't get high again? I asked them about valium which is what they had earlier mentioned. So they gave me some to give her at home.

We got home and she started acting a bit weird, slightly lethargic. She was walking and she slightly turned into a table leg. I gave her the valium and at one point she was barking very odd like almost at a shadow. I picked her up to lay on the couch with her. She seemed suddenly so peaceful, calm and I thought ok we can make it here and I will take her in tomorrow either for the MRI or a second opinion. I was talking to my friend whose a vet tech student and she said "I would bring her in for a 2nd opinion - the place I had taken her doesn't really have much experience and so elsewhere they may know what's wrong". She said in her words, I don't think she is going to keel over and die tonight and oddly found comfort in that thinking thank god....not sure why I put so much into those words....

Then when laying on my lap she started moving around almost like she was having trouble, figured it was the valium though. She was moving her head onto my chest, shoulder and arm. Looking back now....she was losing muscle control and here I thought it was the drugs...

I decided seen as she didn't eat I wanted to try to get her to eat some food. I lifted her into the kitchen, went to set her down (I'm one that I set them all the way down - not drop them mid air) and when I did so, she fell to her side. I panicked, lifted her and brought her out to the living room and suddenly she started panicking and trying to "stand up" and she couldn't! I called my vet tech friend and said is it possible for the valium to do this to her, cause her not to be able to walk. She said what dose did they give you, I told her and she said no this would not cause her to be unable to walk. She said take a video of her, send it to me so I can see how shes reacting. I tried doing so, but couldn't get the damn video to send. She then said take her temp. We didn't have one, so she told me how to check otherwise. All looked normal and my mom was holding her and we put a bag of veggies on her belly to cool her. Then soon after she looked like she was having a stroke as her facial muscles moved and then her leg started kicking. I panicked and my friend said, calm down and whisper to her - it will help her, panicking will only make things worse. So I did....and the seizure/stroke whichever it was stopped. She was then calm, eyes closed but responsive. Then another happened, and another....I said I'm bringing her to the ER! I brought her in and carrying her in, broke my heart to see one of her paws hanging outward as if no control over it...

They came in with paperwork basically getting me to sign what I was willing to pay, on if they needed to run by me medical stuff first or just do it even if the bill could be $300 to $700 dollars. I signed to do whatever they needed to just help her.....They came back after looking her over and said we believe she may have either viral or bacterial meningitis....I already crying said how could she possibly have gotten that?! After rattling off tons of reasons most of I didn't catch, I said can it be fatal and she said "Yes." I lost it saying no no she can't die!!!

They said she was having multiple seizures and they said with their being 2 forms of meningitis they'd have to test to see which one if either it was. They said one requires antibiotics and the other steroids. They said they could put her on antibiotics, but steroids they couldn't till they knew if it was that form or it'd make her worse. They said we needed to bring her to another ER with the equipment and a neurologist who'd be in the next AM to look at her. They took then 30 min checking us out which I thought was SO stupid given we were going to their sister clinic to hospitalize her. They said she'd be hospitalized 24 hrs at the least, most likely though a few days.

Upon them carrying her out to me, she had lost complete responsiveness and it was heartbreaking to see my baby girl like this....so on the drive down, I held her upright talking to her soothing, hoping she could hear me saying how much I love her and it's going to be ok, we were getting her the help she needed.....

When we arrived, they came out to get her again her paw was hanging out no control over it....they brought her back, catheter already in to hook her up....and came out and said she does have signs of meningitis, we recommend doing a spinal tap most likely, but the neurologist will be in at 8 am to determine that. I said I know it's the middle of the night, but can't you call her now? This is a 3 year old dog and somethings seriously wrong...they said we can't pull her from her house in the middle of the night away from her kid, I said I'll watch her kid...but I'm scared of what's wrong with her!

They said we will start her on antibiotics in case it is that kind of meningitis then they will see her in the AM and assess her situation then. I resigned not knowing what else to do and had a false sense of calm her "being in the hospital". We were going to leave for a few hours so I could go home start a "Chip in" online as I had friends who wanted to help with her mounting medical bills even so far....we were up to $700 dollars already in less than 14 hours....I asked if I could see her before I left, to say goodnight and I'd be back in a few hours. They said sure, do you want us to bring her to you or go back to her. I said go back to her, I was afraid to jeopardize anything with her and didn't want to move her. They said ok, let me go back and see if they are ready for you to go back. So as I was pacing in the lobby waiting, the guy came out and what I assumed to say "We are ready for you", instead he said "Dakota has stopped breathing....would you like us to continue CPR?" My heart stopped and in that instance I wanted to literally die, go with her wherever that was! I couldn't believe this was happening!! I didn't even know she was sick!!! How could this possibly be happening to her?! I fell to the floor my legs were so weak and just screamed and cried, until finally they came out and said "It's been 14 minutes....if it was my dog, I'd let her go....." Something inside me broke, a part of me died....I've actually had a lot of death of close relatives including my 17 yr old nephew, 35 yr old brother in law and 45 yr old sister....all traumatic deaths, but hearing that Dakota Rose was dead this tore me to the very core of my existence!

They asked me if I wanted to see her.....and they brought her out on a gurney....to see my beautiful little dog looking so perfect and young, how could this possibly have happened to her and HOW could I not have even known she was SICK! I feel as if I completely let down one of the most important beings in my life! She counted on me and I let her down when she needed me the most!! I keep replaying ok when she stopped going up steps, would I have brought her in...honestly no....but when she went to jump on my bed and barely made it up, I should have brought her in. If nothing else they would have seen she wasn't reacting to their poking/pulling and I would have questioned more ok WHY can she not go up steps nor jump on my bed, obviously something is going on. Ok in not bringing her in, the next was when I woke to her sitting up/panting. I know that's a sign of stress and/or pain....again figured she'd be ok until Thursday.....then when they didn't know what was wrong, THEN I should have brought her elsewhere to see if another could have figured it out...instead of leaving her for fluids. Then at home, when she was acting a bit more weird, that was at say 7pm? Why not bring her in, then at the VERY least when she lost muscle control, instead of taking a damn video to show my vet tech friend why didn't I immediately bring her in then she may have been either almost or to the ER when she had her first seizure and they could have maybe got it under control to buy time to figure out what was wrong....

I know so many say hindsight is 20/20, but honestly I challenge anyone not to question this line of happenings when my inability to make a good decision could have very well cost my most precious baby her LIFE!!!

There are so many many MANY more feelings & emotions rushing me that I'm hoping there are some kind understanding people on here that will talk to me....because I'm at a loss and actually a bit scared at how much this is effecting me....I don't know how to go on without her. I always knew that I would have to say goodbye, but at THREE YEARS OLD?! AND being so stupid that I couldn't even see something seriously was wrong and it wasn't her "hind leg being sprained/sore/pulled muscle"! I had to put to sleep my 19 1/2 yr old dog dusty and that was devastating, but in a different way...because with him I could say he had a good long life and was happy, with Dakota I feel cheated for her....she was ripped from this world and it's so wrong that it happened and feeling a sense of some responsibility over her death at such a young age.......

Please help me....I'm broken on the inside and don't know what to do......I miss her more than words can express...

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Dakota Rose. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope in this time of great sorrow for you.

First and foremost, DR's Mom, please let me try to reassure you that you did NOT do anything wrong. I am not a veterinarian or a vet tech, but I can honestly tell you from my personal experience as a guardian of precious companions through the years that medical symptoms mimic many different illnesses, so sometimes as in the case where the symptoms do not point to a definitive diagnosis the only thing our veterinary care providers can do -- as is the same case in human medicine -- is run a series of diagnositc tests to eliminate the various illnesses that exhibit similar symptoms. Also, if a veterinary care provider has not seen a case of meningitis - - or whatever - - then not having that previous experience would also be a contributing factor in understanding the symptoms your beloved Dakota Rose was presenting at the time.

You did the only thing you could do when it was clear that your beloved Dakota Rose was in crisis - - you immediately took her to the ER vet. As meningitis is a very difficult illness to treat in humans - - which has a high mortality rate - - so it is the same for our precious companions. There is NO GUARANTEE that had your beloved Dakota Rose received a diagnosis earlier that she would have survived and been able to enjoy a good quality of life. Sadly, our companions cannot tell us where it hurts and why it hurts, so the only thing we can do is the best we can under the circumstances that present themselves.

Your beloved Dakota Rose knows you did everything in your power to give her a happy and healthy earthly journey. It is very normal for you to feel cheated out of the many years you and your beloved Dakota Rose were supposed to share together. Unfortunately none of us know the length of time we have on this side of eternity, or the circumstances that will present our transition from this earthly journey. I do hope and pray with all my heart that one day you will be able to know that your beloved Dakota Rose is eternally grateful to you for giving her a safe, warm, and loving home during her brief journey, and that you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you are blessed to be your beloved Dakota Rose's sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love. YOU are her beneficiary of the many treasured memories of her earthly journey with you. This is her loving gift to you, DR's Mom - - one of the many treasures she bequeathes to you through the eternal love bond you share together.

I do so know from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope and pray the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

DR's Mom, thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Dakota Rose with us. She is such a sweetheart, and from the expression on her face and in her eyes she knows she is eternally loved.

DR's Mom, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh my God! I'm so so sorry! I feel your pain! It's a young dog and this just feels so unfair that a young pet had to be taken by God so soon! I can't explain what I feel toward those people at the vet when they laughed, seems to me many people chose this profession not because of the passion to help animals but to simply rip us off as much as they can! I've been there with my cat when they prescribed unnecessary procedures which cost us over $1k. I think you are right we should always listen to our gut! Sometimes I was just relying on vets because they have medical education, I don't, they have experience with animal deceases, I don't. But we should always go with our instinct and intuition.
Do you have any other pets in your house?
I want to say I so feel your pain! Loss of a loved pet is no difference than a loss of a child. To many of us our pets are our adopted children with 4 paws and tails. You are not alone!!!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know how you feel, being cheated out of the years we should have had with our babies. I just lost my George last Thursday. He was hit by a truck. No one was home so he died alone. He was only five. My heart aches for him so much. I wish I hadn't left for work so early. I wish I'd shut him in the house. I wish I hadn't cut his nails the night before, maybe he wouldn't have been hit. I don't know what happened exactly, but I envision that he slipped on the ice because I'd cut his nails. He was hit in the middle of the road. What did he do? He usually runs alongside the vehicles.

I know all to well the torture you are putting yourself through. She is beautiful by the way and she looks so happy. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. It was not your fault what happened to her. All you did was love her. I know what it feels like to feel so helpless when it comes the costs of vet care. I lost Hunny 4 1/2 years ago to cancer. She was eight. And nine months before that I lost Lily tragically. And now George. Life sucks. But I have three other pups that I need to be strong for. I know George had a good life while he was here with us. He was dumped when he was only a year old.

Don't be too hard on yourself (says she who has been beating herself up for years!!). We all understand what you are feeling and going through. This website helped me when I lost Hunny. I don't come here very often, but it helps.

I also understand the feeling of grieving alone. Many people just don't understand how hard this is. I have no one here either to help. And some people make you feel ashamed and embarrassed to be so sad. I think that is what actually makes it so hard - the fact that sometimes you just have to hide it and be strong.

This is the best place to come. So many have helped me and I know they will you.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Lynette.

Thank you all so far for your kind words....you have no idea how much they mean to me and I'm sorry I can't go into more details, but just got a call that Dakota's remains are ready for pick up and even though I knew this day would come.....I feel like I'm shattering all over again.....I don't really want to go not because I'm lazy, but honestly I don't want to go because then it's more "real", but I can't leave her there longer than needed......so tonight I will go up and pick up my baby girl's remains....oh god I can't believe this unbelievable pain I'm feeling!!!!

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, returning to the vet office to pick up your beloved Dakota Rose's earthly remains is a two sided coin: on the one side you will be bringing her home where she belongs, yet the other side of the coin is the harsh "new reality" that she is no longer physically with you in the life form your heart and arms long for her to be.

DR's Mom, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical loss of your beloved Dakota Rose. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

We live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions rub against us, lick / kiss us, they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other millions of people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally go through a physical withdrawal from the physical separation with them - - and it is very painful especially during our very deep grief. It is important that you find helpful, healthy ways for you for to endure through this very painful adjustment. Many of us here have found it helpful to hold on to a toy, or blanket, or collar - - something - - belongs only to our beloved companion when the need to hold them becomes unbearable. When each of my beloved companions joined the angels I slept with their collars under my pillow. This grief adjustment journey is both a PHYSICAL and emotional journey, DR's Mom - - it is REAL, and you need to give yourself the opportunity to openly release your deep grief - - even if you must do it privately among those who are physically, emotionally, and geographically closest to you.

And please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Dakota Rose with us. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Tonight like every night I've cried.....its been 3 weeks anrd 2 days...I know in my heart this is a hurt that will never heal.....I feel lately more numb about it all, almost hardened....then I cry. I feel that life is so unbearably cruel to rip her from this world. Some have said to me "She's in a better place." That is so hard for me to swallow because I know my girl given the choice would be by my side.... I've had thoughts of adopting another puppy, not in an attempt to replace her, but help me cope because life without her is excruciating and if she can see down on me....I feel its hurting her to see me so crushed, but I can't help it she's everything to me....I always knew one day I'd adopt another dog, because I know she'd want me to give another a good home. Just thought I had 10 to 13 more years with my baby..... I also used to think those that would even consider another dog so soon after the death of there so called love one were uncaring and insensitive....but now I see with some that isn't the case at all.....when my 19 1/2 yr old dog died it was my childhood dog....I was devastated, I had to put him to sleep and I had incredible feelings of guilt like I killed him....I didn't even consider another dog for 4 months....then adopted dakota 5 months after. What would posess me to consider a dog now? I know it isn't that I loved her less...I almost feel more strongly with her.....Dusty was like my brother being a childhood dog plus I supposed ultimately I could come to grips he lead a good long life.....Dakota though, she's my baby.....a part of me died the moment they said she stopped breathing....I wanted to die and go with HER. So why would I this soon after look to another dog? People have told me in meeting dogs I will know when I've found the right one, Dakota will tell me. I guess in part I feel I can't do this alone. I'm seeking counseling and pet loss grief support.....but yet I don't know what I'm trying to say.....I know in my heart I'm not looking to replace her, no furry one can.....but what if I am and I'm just telling myself I'm not? Help me sift through this please.....I need those of you who understand

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort, support, and encouragement by assuring you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "a part of me died the moment they said she stopped breathing....I wanted to die and go with HER." Of course it feels like a part of you is missing since your beloved Dakota Rose transitioned home to the angels -- for she took a part of your heart with her that will always be with her as she waits patiently for your appointed time to join her in eternal joy, as she has left a part of her heart with you that will always be a part of you as you continue your earthly journey.

Embracing a new companion after a physical loss is truly a very personal decision. Some people do find it very comforting to embrace a new companion quickly to help them through their deep sorrow. Some people need to wait until their deep grief has eased before they are able to share their lives with another companion. Some people find it comforting to focus their energies on fostering homeless waifs until they are able to find a Forever Home, and some people - - for whatever reason - - never embrace another companion into their hearts and lives. There is no "wrong" decision in when it is time for YOU to embrace a new companion, DR's Mom - - for whatever decision you make will be the RIGHT ONE for YOU.

If I may take the liberty of offering you some thoughts on what you share with us: "What would posess me to consider a dog now? I know it isn't that I loved her less...I almost feel more strongly with her. So why would I this soon after look to another dog?" I do believe because your Dakota Rose left you so young that she knows your heart needs a companion to love, to hold, to take care of. Our beloved companions want us happy as we continue in our earthly journey - - and part of this includes leaving ourselves open to the opportunity of sharing our hearts and homes with another precious companion - - as we feel appropriate. I also firmly believe that your beloved Dakota Rose will guide your and another companion's paths to the right moment in time when you will meet and you will know beyond all shadow of a doubt that your lives and hearts are meant to be together. The important thing is that you give yourself the time you need to grieve for your Dakota Rose so that when you do embrace a new companion you will feel it is the right time - - which may be today, tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now - - whenever the time is "right" for YOU.

My mom used to say to me, "when in doubt, wait. You will know when the right time comes with the right decision." When our hearts are in deep grief it is very difficult to feel "secure" about anything that is happening in our lives. Adopting a new companion is not a decision that has to be made immediately. Once again, I assure you, you will know when your heart is ready to embrace a new companion - - and with your beloved Dakota Rose's loving guidance you will know when the "right time" is and who the "right companion" will be.

I hope this helps you, DR's Mom. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello Moon Beam......

Thank you for your kind words....maybe you're right that Dakota knows how shattered I am at losing her....I think of her every second of every day which I'm happy for, except for so much of it is with sad moments of watching her die when I didn't even KNOW she was sick.....I know I'll never get over this and don't even think I'll ever be able to truly forgive myself....

I came across some Corgi/Terrier Mixes and Dakota is a Corgi, Beagle & Terrier Mix, so I decided to go with my gut like I was supposed to meet them...in a way I've got to be honest I was a bit nervous....and the one I "thought" I'd maybe like based on the photo wasn't the one I liked...I ended up being drawn to her sister....she has a similar body of Dakota, but way different coloring being Black, White & Tan and a few freckles. What did it for me is she had a little line across her nose, just like my baby Dakota had as a puppy (You can see there in the phone) and I too have a light line across my nose.....Also because I originally liked the looks of the one in the photo only not to be drawn....reminds me when I adopted Dakota, I first was looking at her sister. Honestly hadn't even seen Dakota's picture before, so hadn't been choosing them so to me it felt like a sign with the line on the nose, similar body yet different coloring and being drawn to this one over the sister similar to with Dakota....

I feel happy, but I'm still so incredibly sad.....I'm so depressed it almost scares me because even though I know I'm not suicidal there have been thoughts of I don't know how to go on without Dakota....I knew one day I'd have to let her go, but to watch her die so traumatically at 3 years old is one of the most traumatic events of my life and I've been through 2 family suicides and my sister drinking herself to death, so that's saying something.......Given I didn't even CONSIDER another dog for 4 1/2 months after losing Dusty, but again he was 19 1/2 and lived a long life....I feel like Dakota truly is my "heart dog" or "canine soul mate".....and I don't know how to live without her, but maybe she did actually guide me to this dog so soon, because she saw how crushing this was to me......

In honor of her, I have named her Montana Rose.....I hope Dakota likes it and I know she'd like her....as beautiful as this little girl is and I know we'll have good times together I would be lying if I didn't admit I really just want my baby back....but it isn't that I'm trying to replace her, this much I know....

I hope I made the right decision....is it wrong I feel guilt and sadness over this? She's adorable and I feel a connection with her, but again I miss my baby girl SO much and can't even believe this path is happening......I just am having such a hard time accepting this even happened to my sweet baby.....A part of me will always feel some guilt over my part in her loss......I should have noticed some of these signs sooner and even towards the end I feel as if I failed her....my heart will forever ache for my sweet Dakota Rose.....

Has anyone else adopted a dog shortly after and how was the experience? Please bear in mind, my dog Dakota Rose is MORE than a dog.....if I could have died with her that day and gone with her, I would have.....

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing your good news of your precious Montana Rose. She sounds adorable, and I know in time you and your precious new companion will forge a love bond that belongs only to the both of you. She will NEVER "replace" your beloved Dakota Rose - - she isn't meant to, and never can - - but she can find her own special place in your heart, as you will have your own special place in her heart as her Forever Mom.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief, DR's Mom. Guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions ALL of us feel when our beloved companions join the angels, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile - - because it comes from looking back at the events as they transpired and trying to reconcile them - - to make some sense out of them as they had happened - - which then brings the "whys" and "if onlys" to our heart that add to the torture of the sorrow. I do hope in time you will be able to find some peace in your heart, DR's Mom - - for your beloved Dakota Rose only wants you to remember the better times during your earthly journey together - - and hopefully in time you will be able to do this.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Dakota Rose with us, and for sharing your new companion Montana Rose with us. I hope today is treating you and your precious Montana Rose kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Last night I had a friend message me on Facebook all excited....asking how I was doing? I said Pretty terrible.....you? He said why, what now?! I said what have you known last not knowing if he had seen my posts about Dakota passing away a month ago. He said I'm sorry to hear about your dog, is that it? Anyhow when I said yes....he said He feels for me....but I can't mourn forever and I need to move on....when I proceeded to say it isn't that easy and it makes it for me ALL the more traumatic that I lost her at only 3 years of age to an illness I didn't even know she had let alone could TAKE HER LIFE! I said it's sort of like when a 95 year old passes away, you are devistated yet have some comfort knowing that they had a good long life compared to say a 15 year old teenager dying traumatically. That is how I'm feeling, this won't be something one I will EVER get over and for me to try to come to some point of peace, will take god only knows how long. He said to me not to be blunt but SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! This caused me only to say goodnight and immediately start crying....I feel so very alone often times around so many I know the internal tearing of my very soul and so few who truly understand the pain I'm enduring and it isn't as easy to just snap out of it, I'm depressed damn it and I lost one of the single most important lifes in MY life.......
God I miss you baby girl.....I know it's probably so very difficult to see me hurting so terribly, but just know it's because you truly are everything to me and I'd give my left arm to have you back.....

My sweet girl happy at the park she loved so much......

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you sooo much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Dakota Rose. There is no doubt in my mind that you did EVERYTHING in your power to give your beloved Dakota Rose a happy, healthy earthly journey.

DR's Mom, I am so very sorry you received the response from your friend. Unfortunately there are some people who are incapable of understanding the deep sorrow in our hearts when we lose the precious physical presence of a beloved companion. This is one of the many reasons why we have this wonderful forum to come to be with those who truly DO understand what we are going through. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Montana Rose kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for the reply Moon Beam......

I do not yet have Montana, she won't be here until this next Thursday....

Last night I was terrified in telling my 10 yr. old Nephew about Dakota's passing...my mom went to pick him up and within 5 minutes he said "I bet Dakota misses me!" Then when I get there he asked how I was doing and I said not so good....he said why? I said "Dakota has died".....anyhow needless to say I lost it and there wasn't much reaction from him. He said he didn't know what to say and anyhow I asked if he understood what this meant and he said yes. I said she got sick, we tried to save her....but she didn't make it..... Then he starts looking at his phone needless to say I said let me guess you want to watch tv? He said yes.....UGH I know he's just a kid, but it hurts to see such a nothing reaction....Do you think he doesn't fully grasp it? His mom died when he was 5 1/2 so he has some concept of death, but also his idiot dad their last 2 dogs he put to sleep he told my Nephew that they "ran away", in fact that's what his dad wanted me to do and that's not only insulting to me, but to Dakota because she would NEVER run away!

Last night I barely slept....just laying awake and saw memories of me petting Dakota and lifting her head, then the memory of after she died was there where I pet her and she didn't move.....this is devistation and a nightmare to me, I feel still very much so in denial over losing her....this is ripping me apart and those that say "Snap out of it" I just want to scream! How can I just SNAP out of losing a part of my soul!

Hi, Dakota Rose's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I don't have the privilege of knowing your nephew, but I would gauge from what you share with us that he has not been encouraged to show emotion, as many boys are taught to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. This may be an opportunity for you to let your nephew know there is nothing wrong in crying when he is sad, and perhaps you and your nephew can cry together in sharing the physical loss of your beloved Dakota Rose. It is obvious he has felt a close connection to her, and he needs someone to give him permission that it is okay to openly grieve for her. These are just thoughts that come to my mind from what you have shared with us - - only you can know what is allowable to do with your nephew.

Sadly, there are people who truly do not understand the deep connection we have with our precious companions, and say things that are hurtful when we are the most vulnerable. In reality, there is no "snapping out of it", no "moving on" when it comes to the physical loss of our beloved companions. This grief journey is one of "adjustment to" their physical absence, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And please know we are here for you - - this is a safe place where you can come to scream - - to share your deepest sorrow in your grief journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Dakota Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing. And even though your precious Montana is not yet physically home with you, she is already a part of your heart. I'm so glad her "homecoming" is just a matter of days now.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Tonight my mom wanted me to open a presant and I said no, I had told her I didn't even want anything honestly didn't even shop for anyone this year. I always wrapped presants and Dakota would open them....that's what I want now and can't have it so frankly let it be done already....I want my Kota Rose back and the fact she's gone leaves me in not wanting to celebrate anything.