I Hate Mondays, I'm alone again Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I hate Mondays. It means I'm alone, again.

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my precious Bowie and 7 weeks since I let Misha go. I'm still not okay. I cry for Bowie every day. I still wish he'd come back to me. I guess I'm "stuck" in my grieving process and my husband doesn't understand. He moved on in the first week and is looking towards the future, he says, and I'm stuck in the past. He's not a very emotional person and has told me he can't relate to the way I'm feeling. I don't understand how he got over Bowie that quickly. How he doesn't miss them, or doesn't want to talk about them. I feel alone, even when he's around. But, when Mondays come around, I really am alone. Almost 16 years having Misha and Bowie by my side during the day - pretty much my entire adult life - and now, no one. To top it off, my husband is going out of town for a business trip this week and I'm afraid. I haven't been alone, overnight, in almost 16 years. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I guess you need to know that I don't have children. For much of the last 13 years I worked from home, part time, in various jobs. So, I was with my dogs, a lot. And they were my focus. I quit my last job at the end of June this year, because I couldn't do it anymore. The stress of caring for Misha and her deteriorating health/multiple health problems for the last two years, along with trying to be a good mom to Bowie, and trying to keep our home and life in some sort of order, finally got to me and something had to go. A bonus to not working was that I was going to be able to spend all of my time making up the last couple of years to Bowie, once I let Misha go, which I knew was going to be soon. But, that hope, that plan, was ripped away with the cancer diagnosis. And, months ago, in the midst of our life being on hold while Misha was going downhill, my husband was resentful that we couldn't go on vacation. He wanted to escape, which I understood, but I was Misha's caregiver...we weren't going anywhere until she was gone. He came up with his dream vacation and I promised we could do that extended one when Bowie left us - which I thought would be in 3-4 years. The week after we lost Bowie, he booked his dream vacation, with my input, although it was reluctant. And, he wants to take a second one. These trips are 3-4 week long trips that I refuse to take if we have a dog, so we have to take them now. So, I can't get another dog for about a year. After these trips are over. And, no, I'm not excited about them. They'll always be tied to losing my Bowie. Husband is not happy that I'm not excited about the trips.

So, it's Monday, and I'm alone again. I'm having a lot of trouble with that, along with everything I've lost...my babies, my past, my plans for the future, my life, my identity.

Misha's Mommy

[Bobbie]

Good Morning Misha & Bowie's Mommy,

Checking in to say Good Morning to you and the kids. I hope you were able to get some rest last night. And that today will be kinder to you. I would like to comment on a few things in your post to me, if that's OK. If not, just slide down to the end.

My worst time is at night, also. It seems I can keep "busy" during daylight hours to hold the immense sorrow at bay. But come nighttime, which is usually when I check my messages and am on the computer, and it's all downhill for me. If you check some of my own posts you can see how slowly I'm progressing along this grief journey. And I've had 5 other C Spaniels before Trevor! So, I do some of my more intense crying in the computer room, where no one can hear me and I just let it all out. I've started writing a manuscript about Trevor and that seems to help a bit. Trevor's Neurologist offered to help me if I want to have it published. Trevor was a very sick dog and I made it my mission to be with him as much as possible, to make him feel happier than ever, to keep him out of pain and to help him feel loved every minute of every day. I gave up a lot in order to do this and stayed home (I am disabled, too) most of the time. And every second that we were apart, I was antsy to get back home to him. I'd never had a dog with his medical and social problems, but thankfully, I'd been a pediatric respiratory therapist for many years, so I had a good background when coming to his "diseases" (severe hydrocephalus, Chiari malformation and sryingomyelia) and the treatments involved. I was also very grateful that I didn't work because I could be with Trevor as much as possible. He was a real Mama's Boy and I loved it. But, as you know only so well, when the future catches up with you, this bond and closeness makes the whole issue of releasing our companion(s) from pain and suffering that much worse.

Don't even worry about "cleaning" ANYTHING! With every boy I lost, it took me many MONTHS to begin to put away anything. My first dog's comforters stayed in our upstairs hallway (he liked to sleep on them during the night) for NINE MONTHS before I even gave a thought to moving them. Luckily, I have a spouse who doesn't care if these things are out. With Trevor, I think I told you that I sleep with his picture (and I added my last dog, Rudy's as well) wrapped in a piece of his blanket; we have pictures of him in almost every room, love notes to him posted in the kitchen and bathrooms and we light a small Yatzeit (Jewish memorial candle) candle every day. We write his name and a message on the glass before we light the candle for the day. And it stays lit until we go to bed at night, when we blow it out and say "Good Night, Trevor. We love you." And believe me, I am the one doing that the majority of the time. You don't need to "clean", rearrange or dispose of anything until YOU are ready to do so and then you may change you mind a hundred times, too. Just like I have. I feel the only authority that can make me do any of this before I am ready is the Housing Authority!! (and you know they don't care)

I might suggest that you simply tell your husband that YOU are not finished with your grieving and you don't know when you will be. Another suggestion from what I am actually doing: find a good counselor for yourself and focus on pet loss and the grief that comes with it. I know my therapist has been incredibly helpful in even just listening and affirming that I am NOT crazy with this issue. Actually, I am quite normal and that is from someone who has never heard of this website! Many therapists have pets, also, and can truly identify with your suffering. DON"T force yourself to rush through your grieving journey. That never works. As far as his trying to "fix" the problem, that's what most men are geared to do. I told my hubby, that I respected his way of getting over Trevor's loss and asked him to respect mine as well. That means that we don't expect the other person to necessarily DO anything about our grief, just "be there" and sometimes just leave us alone with our thought and feelings. When I talk about Trevor I don't expect an answer from my husband and am grateful on the occasions when I do! Make that boundary clear to him. You will respect him, but he must also respect you, at least with your terrible losses. I know it sounds easier than doing it, but once you've made the move, you might be surprised at the relief YOU feel and the response you get. By the way, respecting someone else's ideas, etc. doesn't mean you have to agree or even understand where they are coming from, but you are showing them the respect that every person deserves. Oh! And the anger is totally undestandable, too. Soooooo many emotions are running through your mind and heart at this time and there's not a whole lot you can do with that right now, except accepting them as part of this horrid roller coaster.

You reminded me that, after Rudy died, I slept with his 2nd favorite stuffed Barney toy. (His favorite went with him in his grave.) Matter of fact, that Barney is still on my bed and I sleep close to it at night, too. When my Birney died, I slept with one of his king-siezed pillows. (We have a very crowded king-size bed!) And Rudy's been gone for over 3 years. At this point, whatever gives you comfort at night----it's OK.

I know I have written a whole lot of stuff for now. I just feel so badly for you and our situations (except for the cruises) sound incredibly similar. Keep writing on this site (even during the night if you need to). You will get all the understanding and support you need/want. And when you can, please tell us more about Misha and Bowie!

Blessings.........................
Bobbie

[Misha's Mommy]

I've gotten through the last 2 nights alone by leaving the TV on in the bedroom and not falling asleep until I was unable to keep my eyes open any longer - that came at about 2 am, both nights. I fell asleep hugging one of Bowie's toys. Last night was harder than Wednesday night. My husband will be coming home tonight. But, this whole thing will repeat again next week, when he goes out of town, again. I may try to borrow my friend's dog to keep me company...we'll see.

I posted about my Misha and Bowie on here before - 2 days after I lost my Bowie - http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=6343
That post contains more info on how I lost Bowie than anything on Misha. Misha's loss was not as new as Bowie's and I had been anticipating hers for almost 2 years. So, it wasn't killing me as much as Bowie's at the time. There's just so much I want to say about the two of them, I don't feel there could ever be enough room to fit it. I'll try to do a shortened version -

It's been 8 weeks today since I let Misha go. She would have been 16 on November 2nd.

Misha was my first dog. I got her when I was in my last year of college, in December 1995. She was a beagle. At 7 weeks, she was the only pup in the litter who ran over to us and chewed on my husband's (then fiancee) shoelaces. I wanted her. We returned a week later and picked her up. My husband and I were clueless about dogs. We bought one book to help with training, etc., and it's not one I'd ever follow again. Misha turned out to be a 1 on the Volhard puppy aptitude test - a pup that 1st time, inexperienced people shouldn't have. She was a handful in that first year, but we got through it, mostly because of her resiliency, and she turned out to be an awesome companion. The vet said she'd be 25 lbs., but she grew to be longer and taller than a typical beagle, and averaged around 44 lbs. most of her adulthood. We moved a lot in her first 6 years of life. She learned to love traveling. She was always enthusiastic about everything we did with her. We hiked and walked with her a lot, no matter the weather. She loved snow. When she was 6, I started taking her to agility classes. She excelled and absolutely LOVED agility. She used to whine and cry and bark while she waited for her turn to go in class. She was such a driven dog. She was almost ready to compete (still wasn't solid on weave poles) within a year, but life got in the way and we never did compete with her. That's one thing I'll always regret, because it brought her so much joy.

In January 2002, we got a Vizsla puppy from a responsible breeder. We had driven almost 2000 miles, round trip, to get him. We named him Bowie. Within a couple of days, it was apparent that something was wrong. He was weak and having trouble breathing, it seemed - he was breathing harder than he should have been. He wound up in emergency and we learned one of his heart valves wasn't working. Blood was backing up, and into his lungs. He almost died on us multiple times. I remember one night so clearly, how he was struggling to breathe. Specialists finally stabilized him and the breeder drove to our house to pick him up. She had resources and knowledge that we didn't. She took him back with her and eventually kept him (which was fine, as he had become hers during that time). Texas A&M vet school repaired the congenital defect in his heart when he was 4 months old. He lived with her until August 9, 2009, when his heart finally gave up on him. He was 7 years old.

We got a "replacement" pup from the same breeder later in 2002. My husband couldn't agree on a new name for this pup, so we just named him Bowie. He was our 1st Bowie's 1/2 brother. Our Bowie was born May 12, 2002; we picked him up around the 4th of July. Right off the bat, we noticed this Bowie was different from the 1st Bowie and from Misha. He was more observant, and was always looking for a lap. His personality was the complete opposite of Misha's. He was shy, not confident, wanted to please, avoided getting in trouble, was super easy to train, was VERY affectionate. He became afraid of children and other dogs (especially males and larger dogs), and some men. I got him into behavior modification-type classes when he was about 3 years old. By then, he was showing true signs of fear aggression with other dogs, while Misha was our social butterfly. I began agility and rally obedience training with him to try to build his confidence. We learned how to manage his issues. He got a little better. Age also mellowed him.

In late 2008, Misha began licking her bed and the carpet A LOT. I didn't know what it was, but it continued and she just didn't look happy. After it snowed once in December, I noticed her urine was red. We treated a UTI. It didn't help the sadness in her eyes, though. In Feb, 2009, I went to a new vet. Misha had begun crossing her back legs on walks. After every test/xray/ultrasound you can imagine, we tried some meds and found that Tramadol was helping - it was pain that I was seeing. She continued to feel better, but the back leg crossing continued, and she'd lose her balance a lot. They recommended I go to a neurologist. We saw him in June 2009. He said she had spinal cord compression, affecting her right back leg. We could do surgery, but since Misha was 13 1/2, we decided not to. Prednisone was suggested and we tried it.

The pred worked. That was late June. In the 3rd week of August, she tore her cruciate ligament in her left leg. Right leg was the one that was neurologically compromised. We decided against surgery, for various reasons, and did conservative management (confinement and restricted activity) for 8 weeks, along with getting her a custom leg brace from OrthoPets. We had to increase the pred to help the right leg take up the slack. We used a belly sling to take her out to potty in the back yard (3 steps to get to the grass). She did pretty well with all of that. I bought a used dog stroller so she could go with us and Bowie on our walks. We did physical therapy, including using an underwater treadmill. She had a UTI in October. Another one in November, and her liver numbers started escalating. We adjusted her prednisone dosage and began giving her Denamarin to support the liver.

On Dec 30, she had, what I first believed was a seizure. She was better the next day and the vet visit yielded nothing. They though it was vestibular disease.

In 2010, we battled multiple mini-strokes (originally thought to be vestibular disease), which were confirmed as such in Sept by the neurologist. She started Enacard in May to try to control high blood pressure spikes. It helped for a couple of months before she had more and then the neurologist added Amlodipine in Sept. She had recurring UTI’s all year. We’d get the infections under control, but they’d be back within a couple of weeks. She had proteinuria and continued to have high liver values. In June, she started having bowel accidents in the house. Now, I know that was the beginning of her symptoms of Canine Cognitive Dysfunction (CCD), doggie alzheimer’s.

We tried acupuncture to help with the accidents and other stuff. We thought they were from the weakening spinal nerves. It did seem to help for awhile. We started pulsed antibiotics in December to better control the UTI’s. In early April 2011 , her panting and pacing, accidents, confusion, separation anxiety, etc, got too overwhelming for me. I finally realized she had CCD (something my vet had already mentioned) and called my vet the next day to start Misha on Anipryl. It didn’t seem to work fast enough and we decided to let her go on May 2nd. My awesome vet told me that she felt I’d regret it - she knew how much I was doing for Misha and could hear my doubt about it being the right time. We didn’t go through with it. We put her back on the Anipryl, tried other meds, and was connected with a woman who could watch Misha for us during the day, or if we needed to go on vacation. This was priceless for us, because I couldn’t leave Misha alone for long - she’d have an accident and walk in it, (I went through gallons of Nature’s Miracle and washed so many sheets and incontinence pads in those months) she had separation anxiety, she was taking multiple medications on a set schedule. I needed to be with her much of the day. Within 2 weeks, we saw an improvement in her personality and a slight improvement in the bowel accidents. She was more engaged in what was happening around her. The panting and pacing at night improved. May was good. I was hopeful. Things were so-so in early June. The bowel accidents increased again in late June and (what we thought was) anxiety returned. At some point, we added gabapentin to her medicine list. She was getting really weak in her back legs. She was now taking Tramadol, prednisone, enacard, amlodipine, thyrozine, anipryl (we took her off of denamarin), amoxicillin, and gabapentin.

This was very stressful for us. Our life was on hold, it had been since that cruciate tear. Hubby was done. He was ready to let her go months earlier. He wanted a vacation. He wasn’t even dealing with what I was. No cleaning up after her. No giving her baths after she fell, walked in, sat in her poop. No giving her meds every few hours. No getting up early in the morning to give her meds and take her out to potty (we continued to use the belly sling until she left us - she never became stable enough to take steps again after the cruciate tear in Aug 09). No washing her sheets/bedding every few days. He wasn't worrying about her constantly, and worrying if he was doing the right thing by Misha every single minute. That was all on me. And, Bowie wasn’t getting walks regularly. I felt guilty about that. He was a sensitive boy and he saw what was happening with Misha. I know he was feeling our stress.

I started taking Bowie to a really good agility class in April 2010. He wasn’t fast, or awesome, but he was so eager to please - that class was easy, and he seemed to be having a good time. At least we were doing something together and he was getting some attention without the stress of Misha around us. We continued classes and he competed in his first agility competition this past Memorial Day weekend. We had a good time and he did well for his first time in competition. I was looking forward to many more weekends like that. I was going to make up the last 2 years to him. We went into the mountains (I’m in the Denver area) for a hiking vacation with him for a 4th of July trip. Misha stayed at the sitter’s house, which we called “doggie camp”. We had a lot of fun on that trip and I felt good about everything. I was looking forward to doing this more with Bowie. We had been cheated over the last couple of years and, while I was sad that I knew I'd be losing Misha soon, I knew we’d be able to get back to a normal life with Bowie. And do all the things we hadn’t been able to do for so long. I was going to make it up to him with more days out looking for birds, more walks, more hiking. So many things we hadn't done in the last 2 years. He did get tons of love and attention, though. That he was never deprived of. He was such a lover. Always with me.

The night we returned from that trip, we picked up Misha and later, she had, what looked like, a mini stroke. The following week, I stepped in red pee in our bedroom; she had another UTI. We changed the antibiotics from every other day, to every day. She had many indoor accidents in the next week. Bowie had an agility trial on July 16th and 17th and we’d have to be gone most of both days, so Misha went to “doggie camp” that weekend.

On Saturday, July 16th, we got to the agility trial early. When it was finally Bowie's turn, he was hesitant in taking the jumps. I managed to get him to take 4 with a lot of pleading. I thought he was just tired. He fell off the sofa that night -he went to get down and sort of collapsed. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. The next day, he seemed to have a tummy ache, so we didn't go to the competition. Instead, my husband and I spent the day planning our RV trip next year with him. We were going to buy an RV and go to Alaska, and I also wanted to take him to see the beach/ocean in California. I went to pick Misha up and Bowie wasn't better after dinner, so I took him into the ER, when I found out he had cardiac hemangiosarcoma. I felt cursed. We did a pericardial tap. He refused to eat any dog food after that; his tummy became extra sensitive. I began home cooking for him.

The following week, Misha started hopping severely on her front right leg. It had been happening off and on for awhile but became almost constant the week of the 17th. She began having a lot of trouble getting around. Her back legs gave out on her when she stood in one place. When she had accidents in the house, she'd fall into it. She began to refuse taking her pills in pill pockets; I had to dip them in canned food. She was becoming less interested in her food. Some of the cognitive issues, like trying to go through the wrong side of the door, were returning. My vet said the leg hopping was most likely severe arthritis. Misha was on prednisone, gabapentin, and the max dose of Tramadol that she could take, and if the pain was still coming through that, I knew it had to be bad.

That last week, she was too tired at night to follow us into the bedroom. I carried her to bed each night. In the last 3 days, I carried her out to potty; she didn't want to take the steps out to the grass. She didn't want to go with us (in her stroller) on a walk. She was tired. She was panting so hard in the afternoons. I started pointing a fan at her to try to help her. On the last day, August 5th, the vet said Misha had moderate to severe laryngeal paralysis.

Misha fought the sedative that was given to her before the last shot. The vet said she should have become tired within a minute or two. After 5 minutes, she was still chowing down on the cookies and baby food they provided. At some point, she started looking like she was going to puke and instead, had a very difficult burp/vurp. She did that 3 times. She looked awful, so uncomfortable. I felt so guilty. Then she raised up and looked like she was trying to escape. She looked like she was in agony. My vet helped her lie down. Shortly after, she was given the last injection, and was gone. I couldn't believe what had just happened.

She had rarely been afraid at that vet and was never afraid in that room. That day, she tried to hide under the chair in the corner and tried to get us to leave with her through the door. All of these signs, including her fighting of the sedative, told me later that she wasn't ready to go; that I forced her to leave us. I feel like I betrayed her. And I feel that her last conscious moments were horrible, her ending was not peaceful, and that haunts me. I tried so hard to do right by her and failed miserably at the end. She fought it. She wasn't ready. I feel the time was close, but I feel like that exact time was exactly the wrong time, based on what happened.

We had to let Bowie go about 3 weeks later, on August 28. I couldn't control that one. When that bleed started that night, he was dying in front of me. It progressed so quickly that night. He was suffering. I had to end that suffering for him. All those plans I had put on hold, the newer ones I had made, they were all ripped away when he was diagnosed. I felt cheated. Oh...I loved him so much...I think he was my heart dog.

I feel like I lived through a nightmare those last 2 months. I lost my babies, my future, my past, my identity. After almost 16 years with Misha, I have no routine, no reason to get up in the morning, no source of joy. My life, my identity was my dogs. I was a dog mom. That was my job. I was looking forward to time with Bowie after everything I went through with Misha. I felt it was going to be my reward for taking care of her for the last 2 years. I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to life without them.

misha's mommy

My Misha & Bowie in 2005