Missing My Bowie And My Misha Options

[Misha's Mommy]

I can't sleep. I woke up at 3 am thinking of Bowie and remembering he was no longer with me. I miss him so much! This hurt is so deep, so unbearable. I want to scream, but can't - it's 4 am and I don't want to wake my husband.

Letting Misha go earlier this month was difficult. She was 15 1/2 and having so much trouble getting around. Her legs were failing her. She had Cognitive Dysfunction, probable Cushing's Disease, spinal cord compression, high blood pressure (causing mini-strokes). We had been battling multiple issues for 2 years and I made the decision to let her go on August 5th. Within hours, I was doubting myself. I felt I may have let her go too early. I felt that she wasn't ready to leave us and that I should have done a little more to help relieve her pain. I felt like I had given up on her before she had given up. I felt so guilty. I still do. She was a fighter. She deserved more time.

I didn't have a lot of time to grieve her death, though. My 9 year old, Bowie was feeling sick on July 17th. At the emergency vet, we found out he had fluid around his heart. The ultrasound revealed a tumor on the heart - most likely hemangiosarcoma. The blood was drained, and he felt better. We had multiple appointments over the next week and a half to try to determine if the cancer had metastasized, and to find out how we could treat it. Bowie did not like these appointments. He never enjoyed being away from us. There was a second tumor on his spleen. Cancer, or not, we don't know. The tumor on the heart would have been difficult to remove and specialists said it would be very risky. We were told chemotherapy wouldn't help without removing the tumors, first. Even if we could do all of this, we might have only had up to 6 months with him. Bowie was super-sensitive. He didn't deal with pain and discomfort well. We decided it wasn't worth it to put him through any type of invasive surgery, especially if it wasn't guaranteed to work. We decided to make every day going forward count.

Misha's seemed to get worse after Bowie was diagnosed. She began heavily limping on her front leg. Her back legs were weak and couldn't support her standing and she was hopping on her front leg. The indoor bowel and urinary accidents became more frequent. I took her for acupuncture and laser therapy. The vet felt the new limping was severe arthritis and mentioned she was probably in a lot of pain. This was with regular use of prednisone and tramadol. Misha was always stoic about pain. If it was this apparent, even with pred and tramadol, it must have been severe. It was the last straw, and it was why I let her go.

After she left us, I cried. A lot. The regret was immense. Within a week, I was able to get through my days better and focus more on Bowie. I had to. I didn't know how much time I had left with him.

My husband and I took him for nightly walks where he got to point a lot of bunnies. Bowie was a Vizsla, a pointing dog. He had so much fun being on the lookout for critters and pointing them. When they'd run off, most of the time, he'd just run to wherever they were sitting and take in the smells they had left behind. It was so much fun to watch him.

On Sat., August 20th, he didn't look right after dinner. We had taken him with us to a local pizza place where he could sit with us while we ate on the patio. After getting back in the car, he looked a little weaker than normal. A few minutes later, he was looking very weak. We got him into the emergency vet, where they found fluid, again around his heart. We did another pericardial tap to drain it.

On Tues, August 23rd, he was "off" again. Symptoms were different this time. I wondered if it was the heart again, or something bleeding in his abdomen. The cancerous tumors could be everywhere by now. I took him into my regular vet and she could hear his heart, so we didn't think the sac around it was filling, or at least wasn't full. She still felt there had been a bleed, but it may have stopped. They didn't have an ultrasound machine, so we couldn't tell. She treated Bowie's nausea. My husband was out of town. I decided I needed to keep Bowie alive until he returned the following evening. Bowie and I had a rough night, but he seemed to be feeling better Wednesday afternoon, but it was short-lived. He wasn't better. We took him in to the emergency/specialist's office Thursday morning and fluid had, again, filled the sac. I HAD to try one more time. I DID NOT want to have any regrets, as I was feeling with Misha. We did a 3rd tap.

After that, his tummy issues never got better. He was uncomfortable for awhile each time after he ate. I started feeding him small amounts of food every 3 or 4 hours. On Sunday, the 28th, he was finally looking better and was ravenous! He wanted to eat! It was so good to see that again! But, he had a bad tummy ache after lunch, so I knew the tummy issues hadn't subsided. After dinner, we took him for a short walk. Within a 1/2 hour, he was drooling. Within an hour of that, he was too weak to stand. We knew what was happening, and it was happening fast this time. We took him into the emergency vet and they helped him pass. I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no doubts.

I miss him so much! He was such a lover! He gave us so much love! He was a constant shadow. He loved getting rubbed and scratched. He never sat next to us - he was on us, or always touching us, in some way. He brought so much joy to our lives. And now, I'm heartbroken. And my life is empty without him. I had so many plans for him! I miss his wiggle butt, his soft ears, his loving eyes, his hugs. It hurts. It hurts.

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Misha's mom

My heart is crying with you over the passing of not one but TWO of your life's brightest lights. You've come to the right place. This site is a life saver. I lost my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) last April 10. Her symptoms were almost exactly what your Bowie had. It breaks your heart - but I don't need to tell you that. Our special animals carry part of our souls with them and we of theirs. Your Bowie and Misha are in a safe place now - now pain, no sickness, only happiness. Love is forever. They will ALWAYS be in your heart - and you in theirs. With all the love in your heart - which shines through in your posting - it's absolutely clear that you did everything you could and more. I have never heard a move loving phrase than "helped him pass." Your heart will be shattered for a while and then for an even longer while, you'll carry a heavy concrete block on your heart. We're here for you, Misha's mom, amy time day or night. Every one of us here understands because we've been or are going through life's greatest pain - our special babies becoming invisible. Our love surround you and so does the love of you Bowie and Misha - just like when you could see them.

Please be gentle to yoursel during these awful days and never hesitate to ask for help or comfort.

Gretta say hi to Bowie and Misha.

Gretta's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's Mommy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Misha and Bowie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing TWO beloved companions in a very short period of time is very traumatic.

Unfortunately a part of this grief journey is trying to reconcile all the "why did I - why didn't I" "I should have - should not have" and all the other "second guessing" that our grieving immerses us in. As Gretta's Mom has already so comfortingly shared with you, it is very obvious that you did EVERYTHING that was in your human power to give your beloved Misha and Bowie happy, healthy earthly journeys. Unfortunately our beloved companions' physical bodies are the same as ours. They are subject to the same illnesses, and - - as with our physical bodies - - our companions' physical bodies are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels. YOU, Misha's Mommy, gave your beloved Misha and Bowie the ultimate gift of releasing them from their failing, frail, painful physical bodies which is a true testimony to the depth of your unselfish love for them.

The good news is that the love bond you have with your beloved Misha and Bowie is eternal. Nothing can ever take this away from you - - no matter how much time passes during your continued earthly journey. Love is not bound by the physical laws of time and space. You are forever blessed with your treasured memories of your beloved MIsha and Bowie, and you are forever blessed with their eternal love for you. Their sweet Living Spirits are forever a part of you for they are safely embraced in your heart and your memories - - they are forever a heartbeat close to you.

But I know these are just words right now - - and I know there are no adequate words in any language that can even remotely soothe the seering pain of loss and emptiness you feel in your heart. This grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of your beloved Misha and Bowie, and it is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and in your own way and your own time. But one of the many things you need to remember during your grief journey is that you are not alone, as Gretta's Mom has so comfortingly shared with you. You are among friends here who do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Misha and Bowie with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to posting a picture(s) of them - - but only if / when you are ready. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Petunia]

I'm so sorry for your loss - both you and your dear Bowie and Misha were lucky to have had each other. You were a wonderful mommy to them and I'm sure they know it.

[Gretta's Mom]

Hello Misha's Mom

Just stopping by to see how you are and say once more that your Misha and Bowie are watching over you and guiding your steps and, most important, loving you and being loved by you. Bask in this love. It's forever!

Gretta's mom

[Misha's Mommy]

I miss him terribly. I just don't want this to be real. I keep hoping I'm going to wake up and this is a bad dream. I miss him. I miss him.

Bowie was such a lover. He wanted to just BE with me. He was a velcro-dog. Never out of my sight. And I miss him so very much. I loved him deeply.

I miss his kisses. I miss his presence. I miss how he "talked" to me. I miss that wiggly butt.

He loved being loved. He loved getting scratches and rubs. When he was a puppy, I could put him to sleep by gently scratching his front legs. He loved that until the day he died. He loved getting his eyes rubbed. His ears rubbed. His chest rubbed. I loved giving him kisses and hugs and rubs.

He had just turned 9 in May. I always assumed I'd have him with me until he was at least 12. I feel robbed of that time - along with the last 2 years, when much of my energy was focused on caring for Misha.

It's like this is a bad dream and I really want to wake up and have him back with me. He was my life. There's not much I did without him and almost everything I do is difficult, because he used to be right by my side, always.

I imagine him standing there wagging his tail, waiting for me to invite him up onto the sofa or our bed. Him getting excited about anything and everything, and wagging his butt so hard and running to get a toy. He always carried a toy (preferably Harley Hedgehog) when he got excited. I miss all of him. So, so much. It hurts so, so much. I don't want this to be real. I don't want him to be gone!


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[Misha's Mommy]

I tried adding photos but it didn't work. Not sure how to do it correctly.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. A major part of this grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - of your beloved Misha and Bowie. And it is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. I promise you, Misha's Mommy, that eventually this deep sorrow you are feeling now will ease, and as this happens I hope and pray you will be able to feel your beloved Misha's and Bowie's sweet Living Spirits filling your heart with joyful memories embrace with your eternal love.

In the Site Announcements - L-S Tech section there are instructions for adding photos. If you continue to have difficulty, just e-mail the Administrator and he will be very happy to help you. I, too, am technology challenged, and he has so graciously helped me, and others. We would truly enjoy sharing your pictures.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Misha's Mommy. I hope today is being kind to you, and am looking forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing with us these wonderful pictures of your beloved Misha and Bowie. You can tell in their eyes and their faces how very much loved they ARE - - and yes, present tense, - - for love is eternal.

Again, I hope today is being kind to you, Misha's Mommy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[BonniesMom]

Misha and Bowie are beautiful! What wonderful dogs. So sorry for your losses.

[Misha's Mommy]

Yesterday, we had our first snow. Misha LOVED snow. I imagined her bounding across the yard in the snow, like she used to. I imagined Bowie coming outside with me to shake the tree branches and wondering what the heck I was doing, and then leaving me and going back inside to get warm, because he didn't like being cold.

I miss them so much. I still cry for them every night while waiting for sleep to take me.

I removed Bowie's hammock from the back seat of my car and completely broke down this morning. It's still so hard to believe he's gone. I still want him to come back to me. I know it's not possible, but my heart just won't accept it yet.

Tomorrow will be 2 months since Bowie passed and 12 weeks since I let Misha go. Oh, I love them so! I'd give just about anything to have them back with me.

Misha's (and Bowie's) Mommy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Misha's and Bowie's Mommy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing with us some of your treasured memories of your beloved companions.

When my handsome Black Lab Oslo joined the angels he left the bed I made for him in the van behind. In 2003 I HAD to get a newer car because the 17.5 year old station wagon I was driving was literally falling apart. Whenever my Oslo stood up to change position I had to ask him to lay back down because I couldn't see out the rear window. In 2003 I was finally financially able to buy a newer chariot, and there was a good conditioned used van on the lot ready to drive off the lot. It had EVERYTHING that I needed to safely transport my fur family, and especially my Oslo who was also my Animal Assisted Therapy partner. We made visits several times a week after I got home from work, and I wanted him to be more comfortable while in the car. My Oslo joined the angels November 29, 2009, and his bed is still in the van. The only time I take it out is when I take the car in for maintenance. When I get the car back, his bed goes back into the car. Having his bed in the car is comforting to me, and I still talk to him as I'm driving to and from work, during errands, etc..

If not having Bowie's hammock in the car is more painful for you, then put it back. It's okay. There is no need to "change" things - - until YOU are really ready to change them.

This grief adjustment journey is very painful for many reasons, and one of them is because it is filled with all the "firsts" - - the first holiday, the first birthday, the first snow, the first autumn, the first vacation - - EVERY DAY seems to be a very painful "first" to endure. For whatever it is worth to you, I feel the warmth of your memories of how Misha enjoyed the snow, and how Bowie preferred the warmth of being inside - - probably thinking that Misha was out of her mind, and Misha thinking how Bowie was really missing something WONDERFUL to play in. But for now, I do understand how painful these memories are for you because your heart is burdened with the most painful sorrow we can know on this side of eternity. I hope and pray with all my heart that somehow at some point in time your heart will once again be warmed by the many treasured memories you have of your beloved Misha and Bowie.

Misiha's and Bowie's mom, thank you again so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Misha's Mommy]

Thank you for your kind words, moonbeam.

I also took Bowie's hammock out because my car was going in for maintenance. Taking it out reminded me that he'd never ride with me again. That he'd never use that hammock again. That I should have bought it for him earlier than I did so he could've been able to enjoy car rides more (he had some fear issues in the car and the hammock solved some of the problems). That he's gone.

I still wish it wasn't true.

Last night I remembered how he'd come into our bathroom at night and wait to get his teeth brushed. He loved getting his teeth brushed. I miss him so much.

Misha's (and Bowie's) Mommy