I Can't Beleive I Did What I Did.... And Didn't Do. Guilt And Options

[girl8211]

It's been 1 month, but it's still hard. I feel the strong need to put out there to the world my story and what I'm feeling. I'll try to keep this short, I hope some people will take the time to read this.

About 8 years ago I had a family move out of a house I was renting out. After being vacant for about 3 months I started working on it to re-rent it. While working upstairs I discovered 5 kittens and mother cat living in the attic (inner city and surely street cats). I gathered them up to bring them to the humane society, but they would not take them. So they came home with me, as I tried to figure out what to do with them.

Within a week the mother was very ill, hardly standing on her own, I took her to the vet... Feline Lukemia, brought all the kittens in and only 2 tested not infected. So I had to put down the mother and 3 kittens. I got the 2nd test on the other 2 and they where in the clear. I decided to keep them and committed to myself I would not separate the brother and sister little mates.

They were well cared for indoor cats with lots of attention and love. I named the girl 'Girl' She was the runt of the litter and just a rag doll to carry around and often would fall asleep in my lap. Always sleep on the foot of the bed... She was with me when I had some hard times and lived alone in a big house, these cats helped me keep my sanity at times. When I got married the cats then became family pets... and we all enjoyed their companionship.

Girl was special to me, I nursed her through several illnesses that where close calls for her.. she seemed to be prone to health troubles. Well, here I am today, 8 years latter.. I made the choice to put her down, I can't believe I did it and I feel horrible and guilt like crazy... at 8 years she always cuddled up and slept in my lap, played like a kitten chasing toys around and throwing them around.... never asking for anything, always giving.

I took her to the vet cause she was doing 'what I was told was.. abdomin breathing'. The vet painted a very grim picture and said $300-500 to diagnos her, plus treatment if possible and that was if she survived the testing and x ray time. So I can't believe what I did, put her down without testing My wife was there and she agreed based on what the vet told us. I feel so guilty, indoor well looked after cats can live 14-16 years.... I had alot of time I might have been able to buy her. And the vet pushed us for a decision, we where emotional, lost our sence of logic, afterwords felt that we didn't ask the right questions.

After getting home, after my wife and I spent hours crying on each others shoulder... I spent hours researching the situation, I found that there where several things it could have been that would have been easily fixed (as long as she could make it for the initial treatment) I confirmed this with another vet the next day. So I miss her horribly, the house seems so much emptier for missing such a small 9 lbs cat ...and a part of me is missing as well. I wish I had that hour in the vet hospital to re-live. And I keep questioning if I would have seen signs of a problem sooner, how could I miss something leading up to this. This situation is one of my biggest regrets, what was I thinking?... I wasn't, and now I can never undo whats been done... I'm so sorry to her, her brother (Otto), myself, and our family. And it still hurts like h.....

"I memory of Girl, I miss you like crazy"

[girl8211]

Thank you for your replies to my post It's nice that you (persons) have taken the time out of your day to respond. Thanks for the encouragement and support and letting me know I'm not the only one out here feeling like this. Of course I'm sorry for all that are experience similar loss.

This is my first pets as an adult, so it might be really hitting me hard, cause I know their lives are 100% my responsibility.... and I've never had that before. I'm sure in time like all loss it will get easier, but it will take awhile and I realize she is one of a kind and can't be replaced. Some people have told me to go out and get another cat... obviously, they have never had a true connection with their pets.

I tend to be a perfectionist, and it makes me feel more responsible.

So, on another note. I realize that in my emotional state I was not thinking clearly while confronted with such horrible news from the vet. I have spoken with some other people that have felt the same way. I would like to do my part to save other families from suffering the guilt and self doubt.

I have contacted our County Humane Society and suggested that I would like to help coordinate an effort to make a 1 page hand out available to people that are at a vets office with a critical choice to make.

So, on that note, I'm drafting up a 1 page document that will have several categories such as: How will my family (parents & kids) react/feel about saving/losing their pet. Pets quality of life and personality changes with/without treatment. How long could the pet benefit from the treatment (life extension). Cost and Risks.

These groupings will have several statements/questions each. With the intention to allow the people making the decision to step back from the emotional burden, and consider some of the things that their emotions are suppressing in the heat of the moment. It may be simply titled... Things to Consider.

The County Humane Society has agreed that they would like to see this in place, and asked 'why hasn't anyone else ever thought about this?'. My intent is to work with the HS who will attempt to coordinate with the County Veterinarian Association to have this (a hand out) to give to customers when they are faced with a tough choice.... Something to aide them in stepping back for a moment, and rethink the situation at hand. So that will be my first goal... my county, if it works out then I can take it to the next level.