Can't Stop Crying

It's been 2 weeks since I put my darling boy Milo down, but I can't seem to pull myself together. He had a urinary blockage and had been losing weight and acting lethargic and my husband and I decided it was time to let him go. As soon as it was done I regretted it. I knew we should have done more. I can't believe I just gave up on him like that! We'd spent over $3000 on him in the last year and have a baby on the way and limited finances, but it was treatable. He might have been fine.

The whole thing feels like a bad dream. I feel like a monster. My baby boy trusted me completely and I let him down. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm crying all the time and it's affecting my work and my marriage. I'm just so angry at myself. Why didnt' I get a second opinion? How could I put a dollar limit on his care! I'd give anything to take it back. I just can't seem to accept that it's done. He was only 8. I just keep thinking we might have had so many more years together. I keep replaying the horrible day in my head thinking of all the things I should have done differently.

I'm angry at my husband for being so fine with the loss. I'm ashamed I let him influence my decision because it's clear it was "just a cat" to him, but Milo was my furbaby. My sweet shadow that followed me everywhere. He would have never given up on me. I'm so lost without him.

I don't feel like I did what I did out of love for him or that it was what was best for him. I don't know how to forgive myself and I dont' think he will forgive me.