I Miss My Sweet Zilla So Much, I had to put my sweet boy to sleep Options

[cat mom]

Friday August 27, 2010

Tonight I had to say goodbye to my cherished furry friend, Catzilla. He was a bit over 12 years old. We rescued him from the local animal shelter when he was a kitten. My husband picked him out because he looked so “f***ed up”, as he put it. He had ear mites so his ears drooped, and he had a bent tail that looked like it had been caught in a door, and a pitiful meow, but he was still cute!
He was such a good cat, so happy and loving, with a sweet face and gentle disposition. He gave us such love, joy and laughter. He was always ready to purr, even just having me walk into the room with him would get his motor going. In his later years, he loved sitting in my lap.
He’s never had any health problems until three days ago on Tuesday. He started having trouble walking, he was very weak, stumbling and walking slowly and aimlessly around the house, and sometimes would just stop in a corner and stare at the wall. When he would lay down, he wouldn’t sleep, just stare blankly. He showed no interest in food or water, which was SO not like him. He loved to eat ( he weighed 18 pounds!), and would even sit next to me when I would eat and gently tap me on the arm begging for a tidbit. I couldn’t figure what the problem could be, but whatever it was, it hit him hard and fast.
I took him to the vet and they did an X ray, blood test and urine test, but everything came back with acceptable levels. He perked up for a bit that night, then Wednesday he was pretty much a zombie. He would just lay there and stare blankly at nothing again, and was not aware of anything around him. I sat up with him all night on Wednesday, and I didn’t think he would make it through the night. Thursday morning, he was a little bit better, and he improved steadily through the day, and by evening he even ate, walked much better, and even jumped up in my lap for a nap. He was stretching, yawning and grooming himself, all the things a sick cat won’t do. He was almost his old self, clear eyed and relaxed. I think now that he came back to us for this brief time to say goodbye to us.
Today, Friday, he declined rapidly and was a zombie cat again. We had a feeling it was bad, but by 9PM he started having really bad seizures and spasms. All the signs were pointing to possibly a stroke or some other neurological problem, most likely a brain tumor. I think at this point, everything that was “him” was already gone. His heart was beating, he was breathing, but “Zilla” was already gone. We knew that this was something that he would not recover from, knew we would have to put him to sleep, and called an emergency vet. The vets around here don’t make house calls, so we had to drive him 30 minutes to the clinic. He hated riding in cars, but by this time he was barely conscious and not aware of his surroundings. The vet gave him a sedative to help calm his spasms, then had a hard time giving the euthanasia injection, his condition was so bad, his veins would collapse before she could administer the drug, but she was finally able to give him his release. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, watch my sweet boy fade away. It hurts like hell, I could never imagine it could hurt so much, and I know that a part of me died with him tonight. I have a hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal, but I also know that we did the right thing. I would rather suffer the pain of losing him and missing him instead of trying to keep him alive for selfish reasons and making him suffer. To give him the gift of peace was such a small repayment for all that he gave us.
Zilla and I will meet again on the other side of the Bridge, with all the other furry loved ones that I have lost over the years..
“A spark that burns so bright in our hearts shall never dim.”
I miss you so much, my sweet little fur face Zilla. I will love you always. Sleep in peace.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, I do so understand how therapeutic it is for you to work on Zilla's resting place. It's a "living" memorial to him - - with the plants and flowers, etc.. There are so many different variables in the grief journey, Cat Mom, that makes each one very unique - - including the time in our life - - what is happening in our lives at the time - - when one of our precious companinons precedes us from this side of eternity. The loss of their physical presence can also conjure up other emotions that we never thought were important before, or emotions or memories that we thought we had successfully "dealt with" in the past. It's a journey that has so many different combinations of emotions at any given time.

I do so understand what you mean about feeling heaviness in your heart at the same time emptiness. Because of my age for me now every month has multiple anniversary dates of when one of my beloved companions joined the angels. Although you do eventually "adjust" to the day to day physical absence, there is always, always, always an awareness that a part of you is with each of your beloved companions.

I am so glad that you feel God's answer to your prayers for Zilla's peaceful journey back home to Him. When my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle (see Abbygayle's Journey if you'd like) joined the angels in March, I had this vision in my mind of God holding her in His arms with her looking up at Him with her beautiful, trusting eyes, and Him holding her in His lap at His banquet table feeding her to her heart's delight - - because she was once again able to eat - - healed in His loving arms. While I still cry when I think of this - - because right now it's still very hard to not be able to hold her sweet precious physical body in my arms - - it does bring me great comfort and peace knowing that she is in the perfect care of our loving Father Creator. My beautiful baby girl was an answer to prayer when God brought her little life into mine, and now God is taking perfect care of her in His heavenly home, and I am very grateful for that. And I am grateful for being blessed of the privilege of having been her earthly guardian, of having her sweet Living Spirit forever with me in my heart and memories.

Cat Mom, as you so eloquently said, our beloved companions do wrap their little paws, claws, hoofs, fins, - - whatever - - tightly around our hearts. And this is one of the many reasons why it is so painful - - both physically and emotionally - - when they precede us from this side of eternity. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation -- the part of us that belongs only to them.

I hope you will come to find that there are no "strangers" in this forum. Although we willl probably never physically meet one another on this side of eternity, we are brought together here by the strongest bond we will know during our journey - - the bond of love that we share with our beloved companions. When we do meet each other at our appointed time in heaven's perfect garden, we will know one another without the need for any formal introductions - - for our beloved companions have already done that.

Cat Mom, thank you so much for sharing your precious Zilla with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you, Munch, and Tank are donig.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam