Guilt, in feeling better...... Options

[Pamela]

I have been feeling that even though I know I am on the rollercoaster of emotion. The hills dont seem to take my breath away, my pain and loneliness is replaced by a dull....(acceptance??). I still cry but it is different than in the begining. Part of me feels guilty for moving on...it has been hard to think of moving on without Moose but yet is seems to happen naturally no matter how I feel about it. I keep myself still from those painful places Birch Bay, the trails in the forest we walked on, I have no joy in them anymore. I want to go someplace I dont have the memory of every road I drive on, every corner I turn I miss his presence. Even in my struggle I feel like I am getting better but that nagging feeling of ......how could you feel better.....moose is gone....... i dont understand it and it may not even make any sence, but just another aspect of that nasty feeling of guilt. Well, just wanted to write what I was feeling today. Pamela

[deedee]

It seems to be all part of the healing process. We do need to forget pain in order to live more fully, but the painful parts of life help us to appreciate the good, happy parts more.

After a while, you find yourself laughing and enjoying something. You catch yourself (as you have expressed here) and think, "But my boy is gone. How can I be happy?" Your living life and laughing and loving is not a slight against Moose. It can't be - he would be happy to hear your laughter again.

Nor does it mean you will forget Moose. You won't. Moose will always live on in your heart. In the future, years later, you will dream about Moose, not want to wake up, and when you do, the pillow will be bathed in tears. It will feel like the grief is raw again. The tears are because we don't truly forget those we have loved.

But now, don't feel guilt for feeling. The laughter and enjoyment come back and every time you laugh, a big old tail will be wagging on the Rainbow Bridge, laughter echoing in his ears. Because you are owned by each other, always, for all time, but have to be apart just for now.

Dee Dee