Niles Is Gone, I've lost another baby Options

[tanbuck]

Dear friends, my baby left this morning at about 5:45. He didn't make it until the vet got here. It wasn't as peaceful as I had prayed but he's resting now. I'm in that numb place at this moment. I'll write more later. Thank you all for your prayers last night.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

Dear forum friends,
I just have to get this out. I just donated a huge shopping bag full of different foods that we bought to try to entice Niles to eat when he was sick. It was so heavy, I could hardly carry it into the place. I thought I was ok but as I clutched his little bed on the way in, I knew this was going to be more difficult than I thought. I sat the bag down and as the lady turned around to me, I burst into tears! I didn't know this would be so hard. Why didn't I know? I mean, come on, you've read my posts. I was supposed to run more errands but I had to come straight home as I was crying like a baby the whole way and still am.
That bag of foods symbolized so much effort, anguish, commitment, and love. We tried everything for him trying to make him happy. For awhile we thought he was just being stubborn about his food. Every day we'd offer him a new buffet of foods to choose from. I did so much research on what would/could be best and in the end, we were like, "Heck, just eat the meow mix, we don't care! Just eat something."
That little bed still had his fur on it! It wasn't his favorite (we buried him in his favorite) and we didn't buy it until after he was sick so I thought it would be easier to give away since it symbolized the end. But it was still a part of him, I guess. I love him so much!
I know it will go to good use and I know that the babies who will get the bed and the foods are in desperate need. But still. That was MY baby's stuff. I still have a blanket of his that I haven't washed but other than that, everything is gone. I even got rid of his bowls - which I did right away and later regretted. I just thought at the time that those bowls had been part of that frustrating struggle with food in the end. I knew I wasn't going to let another cat use them and I thought that they would hurt me see. I don't know.
I'm sorry to ramble. I am just overcome all of the sudden. I had a bad dream about Frasier last night that woke me up. Today probably wasn't the best day to donate Niles' stuff but it was yard sale day and I was in clean out mode. Grief is so bizarre. It toys with you.
I hope you all are having a better day than I am right now. I know you will understand my rambling. Thank you.
-Donna