Niles Is Gone, I've lost another baby Options

[tanbuck]

Dear friends, my baby left this morning at about 5:45. He didn't make it until the vet got here. It wasn't as peaceful as I had prayed but he's resting now. I'm in that numb place at this moment. I'll write more later. Thank you all for your prayers last night.
-Donna

[tanbuck]

Dear boys, I'm having a hard time these last few days. Niles, I think all the avoiding I've been doing is starting to creep away. No matter how much I try to avoid realizing you're really gone, the more it fights me back. My mind is starting to tell my body that I will go through this grief process whether I willingly let myself or not. I'm tired, boys. I'm very tired.
Today, it's washing over me that you're both dead. DEAD. It seems so surreal. When I look at your pictures, it's hitting me that you are memories now. I can't stand that. I'm thinking that the pictures I have of you at work may be hindering my grief process. For so long I've looked at your pictures when I was at work and would find joy thinking of you being at home. And how I couldn't wait to get home to see you. Those same pictures now fool me into thinking you are still home...waiting to see me. But you're not. You're not. You're not because you're dead. I can't stay in this fantasy world. I have to face it. I've been thinking about taking your pictures down for a little while to see if it helps me. But I'd rather cut off my arm than do that.
Frasier, sweet bean. Niles, my little king. I know I can't have you back physically but I just wish I could close my eyes and open up all the memories that I've forgotten. I just want to play everything back and remember all the times I've forgotten. Playing in our old house, moving here, you guys chasing each other around.....all the things you did when you were younger. I've forgotten so much! It hurts to know that I've forgotten so much. I want to open my mind to have all those memories. I know they're still in my head but I can't remember them.
Niles, please explain Daphne to Frasier. Know that I don't love her, ok? She and I are in the same boat. She doesn't have who she wants and I don't have who I want. She misses whoever loved her so much. She knows she can't climb that wall around my heart just yet. And I know I can't get through her wall. It's obvious that she's here with me because she feels the same way I do. We have to eventually find a way to heal each other's hearts. But not yet. And that's ok.
I love you boys. I'm so tired. My heart is so weary. I miss you beyond words. I just want my old life back. Sweet dreams, baby boys. Sweet, sweet dreams.
-Mommy