Rafer, Hole in my heart Options

[Idajean]

Rafer was born on St. Patty Day 2003 and died on March 23 2010. He was a majestic handsom Doberman. His name is Celtic meaning Rich and prosperous. I loved this dog more than any other, whether this was right or wrong it was what it was. I can't believe I will never feel his head on my lap again or look into his trusting eyes. He was taken much to early. Two weeks ago he had his yearly checkup and was pronounced healthy. After he was given all his shots we returned home and within hours he started to have problems breathing. When i took him to the vets x-rays and an EKG showed he had cardiomyopathy. What a shock. I was told with medications he may live for 6 months to a year. He only made it two weeks. We were back at the vets every 3rd day or so as he would fill up with fluid and unable to breath again. He stopped eating and with all the medications he was taking it became so futile. Last night after a day of not breathing well, increased lasix and no eating I went back to vets. His gums were white, is heart was in such a severe arrhytmia that he suggested putting him to sleep. I was just so devasted. I lay on the floor at the vets with him as they gave him the injection. I just kept telling him how much I loved him and what a wonderful boy he was, until he quietly crossed over the bridge. I am 67 and know that the pain I feel will be with me until my end. I will hold him in my heat forever.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Idajean, I do so understand what you're feeling right now, as you may know from my posts about my Oslo and my Abbygayle. I, too, am an "older" woman and the only "human" in my household. My little Noah is the sole surviving furchild in a household that has gone from 4 furkids to just Noah in a 39 month time frame. Noah will be 7 years old in May, and if he stays healthy for another 6 to 8 or 9 years - - which I hope and pray with all my heart he does - - I will be well into my senior years, and I am already wondering if it would be appropriate for me to adopt another precious furchild - - seriously concerned that I may not be able to properly take care of him or her - - physically or financially.

I still have Oslo's toys out, and it has only been in the last couple of weeks or so that I set aside his raised feeding table. Several years ago I got a life-size stuffed toy Black Lab which has been standing in the corner next to a low table of knick knacks. I couldn't bear to put away his walking / seatbelt harness or his collar, so I put them on the stuffed Black Lab. So, now every time I look at it I smile - - it sort of is helping to keep Oslo's memory alive for me and Noah - - at a time we need it. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, Idajean - - as long as it doesn't become self-destructive. It is up to your heart to decide what you will do with Rafer's things whenever you are ready to make those decisions. There is no hurry. Some things of Oslo's - - like his meds, etc., I gave to the vet so that she could use them for other patients. But his coats and leashes, etc., I am keeping and will be putting them away in a storage chest of treasures, along with treasures I have from previous furkids.

And I can so relate to your feelings about not having your precious Rafer to help you greet the mornings. It's like a knife in the heart, and the pain is just searing. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Idajean, and I am so glad you have found this wonderful forum to share your heart and memories of your precious Rafer with us. Idadjean, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[ladywolf]

Hi Ida Jean, Moon Beam and everyone--

I feel so badly for you, IdaJean. What a sad situation. Doberman's are such magnificent, companion-oriented dogs, aren't they? I used to raise Great Danes, and I think that Danes and Dobies are similar in temperament. So are wolves. Wolves have a one and only--in my case, that's ME, and always has been. Anyone could be jealous of my relationship with Ladywolf--it's so intense. I don't know what I'll do, how I'll feel when she finally passes. Unlike you, I'm having a good long time to get used to the idea that she WILL leave me, but no matter how much preparation I'm trying to make in my mind and soul in advance, it'll never eliminate the grief that I'll feel when the end finally does come.

Her illness is also reminding me of my mortality, and the mortality of everything. I guess we just naturally think a bit more about it when we reached our alleged "golden years." (I'm an old hippie, so I won't let myself become a "senior citizen" without putting up a fight!) Golden years heck--I'm visibly older, so where's the GOLD? I'm flat broke all the time!

Anyway, I just wanted to check in on you again and say hi, since I don't have a lot of helpful words of wisdom. As others have said, you'll find your own way of grieving, on your own time-schedule. There's no right or wrong way, no time that the universe says you have to put Rafer's things away or anything like that. Take your time--you're in enough pain as it is.

I'm truly sorry for that pain and wish I could be of more help!

Big hugs--

Margi and Ladywolf