Madeline Options

[madeline]

hey everyone,

I didn't know where to post this. I had Madeline, a beagle mix, for 5 years. She is 9 years old. Last year I got very very ill and almost died. Madeline saved my life in ways too profound to say right now. Unfortunately, in the process we got fleas from a neighbor;s dog and she came down with crippling arthritis and grew lumps and became inactive and dehydrated easily. Because of my disability and not working I could not afford proper vet care for her nor could I give her the exercise she needed nor get rid of the fleas as she was so ill I was afraid the Frontline was worsening her. She would tremor. So Saturday, after two days of near carrying her up the stairs, I took her to the spca. They will adopt her out if she passes the doctor. If she doesn't they will euthanize her. I wish I had had the money to get a good work up for her, all the x-rays and biopsies. I did for most of our time together but last year ripped me apart financially. I tried rehoming her and couldn't find anyone that wanted 9 year old arthritic dog. I am feeling immense guilt that this may mean she is euthanized. Why didn't you sell your truck I think? Move to get away from the fleas and so she wouldn't have to climb stairs? Well we did move, three months ago. I couldn't do it again. The what if's are haunting me. And I miss her. I've been crying for three straight days. I have an anxiety disorder and she was very much like a service animal to me. I don't know what I'll do without her. She kept me going. But I couldn't take care of her how she needed though now it;s funny I have a job interview on Thursday. Maybe it could have all worked out. Is it wrong I got tired of caring for her illness? That I just couldn't do it? I feel like something is wrong with me for giving her up. Why didn't I try harder? Why when she swallowed a chicken bone and nearly died did I kind of half-hope she would a couple of weeks ago? (I took her to the vet, she recovered). However it was then I realized I didn't have the money. I had to borrow from a friend. What is wrong with me? I am hoping I did the right thing. I call Wed. to find out if they euthanized her. I feel like a dog murderer.The local rescue never called me back. I wish I had found a home for her with wealthy people. The last look she gave me was of love.

thanks.
Amy

[Flossie's Mom]

I've been busy so have not been on here to see your post and reassure you that you did what you felt best for both of you.

We all second guess our decisions. I have in every case. A couple were very, very difficult. One cat that I dearly loved began purring on the way to the vet so I almost turned around. Another died 1 block away and Flossie is still a back & forth struggle for me even 17 months after I helped her let go of her struggles. She never gave up and I still feel like I am the one who gave up.

Only you know how much discomfort she was in and only you knew what she needed for care and only you know you were unable to provide expensive medical costs and who even knows that it would have worked. That is a gamble sometimes and then what? Guilt for putting her through all of that? I went into debt a couple of times for Flossie and fortunately she was able to recover. But the recovery was long and also expensive with special diet and medications and follow up tests for several more years. I wouldn't have it otherwise but 14 years of worrying and restricting my ability to take vacations, rush home, watch her every move were not what I would have wanted for either of us.

Others in the family could see her decline much clearer than I could and I hung on beyond what they would have. They did not pressure me and I made the final decision but still feel she could have made it longer. For what? She slept a lot, paced when not asleep, was having seizures about once a month that left her confused and her walking was really getting to be a struggle for her. She could only walk without bucking like a bronco part of the time. Couldn't really squat to do her business, would fall in it and then was horrible to clean up to the point of biteing me really hard and struggling in the tub. Couldn't get her groomed anymore.

So, heartbreaking as it is you had to do what was necessary and humane for your beloved Madeline. She understands. Maybe she is really once again helping you by letting you know the time had come for you not to worry about how you would take care of her so that you could get back on track after all you've been through.

I did not mean to get so long winded and go on about my experiences but just knowing others have traveled the same (even though a bit different) path is sometimes a help in this journey we travel on when a beloved pet has gone ahead of us to wait till we join together at the Rainbow Bridge.

You did nothing wrong. The struggle you are having is proof of that. People who shrug off their pets and actions are the ones who are wrong. They have no heart. It is very clear you have a big heart and Madeline is still in it.