hey everyone,

I didn't know where to post this. I had Madeline, a beagle mix, for 5 years. She is 9 years old. Last year I got very very ill and almost died. Madeline saved my life in ways too profound to say right now. Unfortunately, in the process we got fleas from a neighbor;s dog and she came down with crippling arthritis and grew lumps and became inactive and dehydrated easily. Because of my disability and not working I could not afford proper vet care for her nor could I give her the exercise she needed nor get rid of the fleas as she was so ill I was afraid the Frontline was worsening her. She would tremor. So Saturday, after two days of near carrying her up the stairs, I took her to the spca. They will adopt her out if she passes the doctor. If she doesn't they will euthanize her. I wish I had had the money to get a good work up for her, all the x-rays and biopsies. I did for most of our time together but last year ripped me apart financially. I tried rehoming her and couldn't find anyone that wanted 9 year old arthritic dog. I am feeling immense guilt that this may mean she is euthanized. Why didn't you sell your truck I think? Move to get away from the fleas and so she wouldn't have to climb stairs? Well we did move, three months ago. I couldn't do it again. The what if's are haunting me. And I miss her. I've been crying for three straight days. I have an anxiety disorder and she was very much like a service animal to me. I don't know what I'll do without her. She kept me going. But I couldn't take care of her how she needed though now it;s funny I have a job interview on Thursday. Maybe it could have all worked out. Is it wrong I got tired of caring for her illness? That I just couldn't do it? I feel like something is wrong with me for giving her up. Why didn't I try harder? Why when she swallowed a chicken bone and nearly died did I kind of half-hope she would a couple of weeks ago? (I took her to the vet, she recovered). However it was then I realized I didn't have the money. I had to borrow from a friend. What is wrong with me? I am hoping I did the right thing. I call Wed. to find out if they euthanized her. I feel like a dog murderer.The local rescue never called me back. I wish I had found a home for her with wealthy people. The last look she gave me was of love.

thanks.
Amy

Hi Amy
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles and Madeline's health problems. I am hoping that she passes the doctors tests and is able to be adopted to a family. It sounds like you gave Madeline the best you were able. I know the feeliings of guilt you are having -- I had them too when we put our dog Sammy to sleep last December. But I keep telling myself that we did the best we could for her at the time. I try not to second guess my decisions that I made regarding Sammy. You said her last look was of love -- keep that close to your heart and remember that Madeline did love you.
Take care
Sharon

Dear Amy--

I really want to respond to you, but I am flying out the door, late for something, and your situation is very complex.

Please, know that you've done nothing wrong! You're trying to take care of your dog--and yourself--as best you can, given your circumstances. I know that the guilt is crushing, but you MUST put your own well-being first, you just must, and try to stop second-guessing yourself--which we ALL do!

Sorry to be rushing right now, I'll write more when I have more time. My heart goes out to you--what a difficult, painful situation!

Big Hugs--

Margi and Ladywolf (dying of cancer)

Dear Amy--

I have a little more time now, and have re-read your note carefully. I am so sorry for your circumstances and I TOTALLY understand, because I've been there myself. I too nearly died about three years ago, and lost everything I owned except mt car, my dog, and my wolf. I had to live in the woods for months in my van because of my dogs and not being able to find a place to live that would accept dogs, and I am penniless most of the time as a substitute teacher who lost her regular part-time teaching gig this year. I cannot afford ANYTHING, much less ongoing vet care. I can barely afford food. And I've had two dying dogs this year. One is gone now, and Ladywolf is hanging on with cancerous tumors that are beginning to impact her more and more.

Not being able to afford animal care is one of the worst curses on earth. Two years ago, Lady developed a hideous open bleeding tumor on her leg that I COULDN'T PAY TO HAVE TREATED, and I just about went crazy with the horror and the guilt. One morning I ended up being ambulanced to the hospital for a suspected stroke that turned out "only" to be panic attacks over Lady's and my situation. My emotions were uncontrollable, as were some of my actions too, I think. I was really loosing it, and it was ALL over not being able to afford vet care.

Finally, I thought of a wealthy friend who might pay for the tumor-removal, and by God, she DID, bless her forever! And Lady was then healthy for a year before the next (inoperable) tumors appeared.

So I know what happens to you when you can't care for your animals and/or afford to care for them. Guilt runs your life and it shouldn't. Yes, we make commitments to our animals for life, but only as long as we are physically able to care for them. If we can't, then we sometimes must find alternatives. I'm in good health now, thank god, though poor as dirt. But you are in poor health as well as being poor--and it sounds like the whole situation just got to be too much for you to handle.

Forgive yourself for that, and try to cut down on the "What if's" and "If only's" if you possibly can, as they will tear you apart. Grieve--yes--but try not to rip yourself to shreds with guilt developed in hindsight.

I have to sign off again, as I am teaching today and I am needed right now--but take good care of yourself, keep grieving and healing and getting stronger. My heart really goes out to you!

Margi and Ladywolf

thanks everyone, I know I did everything I could. I do still wish it were more, and I will have to work on not letting the guilt consume me.

here's the update:

I called the spca today. They euthanized her yesterday they said for "humane" reasons. Unfortunately, the lameness was so bad she couldn;t get up the stairs to my second floor apartment. I had posted on craigslist last month and had a couple replies but I was selfish I suppose and kept her thinking I could do it, that I needed her. Well I guess I couldn't. By the time her legs were so bad it came to give her to the spca I couldn't wait any longer, post on craiglist again, she was in awful pain. It's all like this blur, with a desperate decision I wish I had never had to make,involving a vet that I owed money and friends tired from my own illness not able to support my dog. Part of why I didn't foster her was I believed she deserved a stable home, I had read it somewhere, especially in her old age. She had gone back and forth twice last year with me so ill to my friends and I didn't want to continue to do that to her. I got a doggy spirit message from her last night, which would have been when she was euthanized, that she was alright, that she understood, and to take care of myself because she no longer could. It was a good message, when just hours earlier I felt her calling me, panicked, something was wrong, but I had signed away my rights there. I have to trust the spca did what was in her best interest. I know they euthanize older dogs. I wish there had been another way. Last year I withdrew from benzodiazepines and got down to 85 lbs. She saved my life. I am doing better 5 months off the medication. I wish I could have saved hers. I'll share my poem:

Bear (aka shake your butt, aka Chachi, aka Madeline)

They will wonder
Why the tears fall so hard
They will call you just a dog
They will think I have lost my mind
Again

But they did not sit with me through every seizure
They did not tell me the gas was left on
They did not refuse to eat until I had my fill
They did not forgive when I could not sit still

They did not come for me when I was deepest in hiding
Only you, who knew my mind, who knew the stars
Only you who carried me so long
Your legs began to fail
Only you would have lain down your life
And said goodbye with your tail still wagging.

Yes, I too last month had to borrow money for food. I could have taken her to the vet again but it would have meant possibly not having food later this month. I am on SSD now and just moved and battling fleas and bedbugs which caused me to have to toss a lot of stuff ( I have no couch or armchair, sit in wood chairs). I am chemically sensitive so it is a really hard battle without pesticides. There was nothing else I could do. She understands. But I miss her like crazy. And am angry it happened when it did, her lameness. Because almost any other month I could have done something. My family gives no support so I have relied on my friends and they are worn out too. I am in a lawsuit against my landlord for not spraying and may need to give up everything if the bugs don't go, or pay for spray again and risk being ill. It wasn't liveable for her, she may have been toxic. The fallout from being so ill is longer and harder than I had hoped.

I am sorry to hear your dog is dying ladywolf, you've had a rough go too.

all of it sucks.

Amy

I got a doggy spirit message from her last night, which would have been when she was euthanized, that she was alright, that she understood, and to take care of myself because she no longer could. It was a good message...

Amy--

Your poem made me weep. Just plain out WEEP. What a great writer you are, and how much heart and understanding is in that poem......Madeline, you are an angel now, playing with all our other angels--just as you were an angel in life too. Amy did the best she possibly could have for you--please know that. You were old and tired and Amy allowed you to go to a place of deeper rest, with no pain...

Amy, we have a lot in common. I almost died because (partly, anyway) of a (past) hydrocodone addiction. I fell unconscious and lay alone on a bathroom floor for eight days with no food and no water, and was found stuck to the floor, 83 pounds, just minutes away from death. I've often wondered why...?

I have to run off again--sorry this is such a chopped-up day. I'll write more later, but wanted you to know that that is one of the most beautiful soulful poems I have ever read! May you begin to find some peace in this situation...

Big big hugs--Margi and Ladywolf

P.S. CONGRATS on getting off the benzo's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I made the wrong decision. I should have fostered her for a couple weeks, cleaned, waited till my next check, gone to the vet, bought the pain pills.

I've been busy so have not been on here to see your post and reassure you that you did what you felt best for both of you.

We all second guess our decisions. I have in every case. A couple were very, very difficult. One cat that I dearly loved began purring on the way to the vet so I almost turned around. Another died 1 block away and Flossie is still a back & forth struggle for me even 17 months after I helped her let go of her struggles. She never gave up and I still feel like I am the one who gave up.

Only you know how much discomfort she was in and only you knew what she needed for care and only you know you were unable to provide expensive medical costs and who even knows that it would have worked. That is a gamble sometimes and then what? Guilt for putting her through all of that? I went into debt a couple of times for Flossie and fortunately she was able to recover. But the recovery was long and also expensive with special diet and medications and follow up tests for several more years. I wouldn't have it otherwise but 14 years of worrying and restricting my ability to take vacations, rush home, watch her every move were not what I would have wanted for either of us.

Others in the family could see her decline much clearer than I could and I hung on beyond what they would have. They did not pressure me and I made the final decision but still feel she could have made it longer. For what? She slept a lot, paced when not asleep, was having seizures about once a month that left her confused and her walking was really getting to be a struggle for her. She could only walk without bucking like a bronco part of the time. Couldn't really squat to do her business, would fall in it and then was horrible to clean up to the point of biteing me really hard and struggling in the tub. Couldn't get her groomed anymore.

So, heartbreaking as it is you had to do what was necessary and humane for your beloved Madeline. She understands. Maybe she is really once again helping you by letting you know the time had come for you not to worry about how you would take care of her so that you could get back on track after all you've been through.

I did not mean to get so long winded and go on about my experiences but just knowing others have traveled the same (even though a bit different) path is sometimes a help in this journey we travel on when a beloved pet has gone ahead of us to wait till we join together at the Rainbow Bridge.

You did nothing wrong. The struggle you are having is proof of that. People who shrug off their pets and actions are the ones who are wrong. They have no heart. It is very clear you have a big heart and Madeline is still in it.

thank you Flossie's Mom!

your words were very helpful. One week out and I am breaking down crying less.

I am so sorry to hear about Flossie.

Really hard stuff.

best-
Amy