Madeline Options

[madeline]

hey everyone,

I didn't know where to post this. I had Madeline, a beagle mix, for 5 years. She is 9 years old. Last year I got very very ill and almost died. Madeline saved my life in ways too profound to say right now. Unfortunately, in the process we got fleas from a neighbor;s dog and she came down with crippling arthritis and grew lumps and became inactive and dehydrated easily. Because of my disability and not working I could not afford proper vet care for her nor could I give her the exercise she needed nor get rid of the fleas as she was so ill I was afraid the Frontline was worsening her. She would tremor. So Saturday, after two days of near carrying her up the stairs, I took her to the spca. They will adopt her out if she passes the doctor. If she doesn't they will euthanize her. I wish I had had the money to get a good work up for her, all the x-rays and biopsies. I did for most of our time together but last year ripped me apart financially. I tried rehoming her and couldn't find anyone that wanted 9 year old arthritic dog. I am feeling immense guilt that this may mean she is euthanized. Why didn't you sell your truck I think? Move to get away from the fleas and so she wouldn't have to climb stairs? Well we did move, three months ago. I couldn't do it again. The what if's are haunting me. And I miss her. I've been crying for three straight days. I have an anxiety disorder and she was very much like a service animal to me. I don't know what I'll do without her. She kept me going. But I couldn't take care of her how she needed though now it;s funny I have a job interview on Thursday. Maybe it could have all worked out. Is it wrong I got tired of caring for her illness? That I just couldn't do it? I feel like something is wrong with me for giving her up. Why didn't I try harder? Why when she swallowed a chicken bone and nearly died did I kind of half-hope she would a couple of weeks ago? (I took her to the vet, she recovered). However it was then I realized I didn't have the money. I had to borrow from a friend. What is wrong with me? I am hoping I did the right thing. I call Wed. to find out if they euthanized her. I feel like a dog murderer.The local rescue never called me back. I wish I had found a home for her with wealthy people. The last look she gave me was of love.

thanks.
Amy

[madeline]

Yes, I too last month had to borrow money for food. I could have taken her to the vet again but it would have meant possibly not having food later this month. I am on SSD now and just moved and battling fleas and bedbugs which caused me to have to toss a lot of stuff ( I have no couch or armchair, sit in wood chairs). I am chemically sensitive so it is a really hard battle without pesticides. There was nothing else I could do. She understands. But I miss her like crazy. And am angry it happened when it did, her lameness. Because almost any other month I could have done something. My family gives no support so I have relied on my friends and they are worn out too. I am in a lawsuit against my landlord for not spraying and may need to give up everything if the bugs don't go, or pay for spray again and risk being ill. It wasn't liveable for her, she may have been toxic. The fallout from being so ill is longer and harder than I had hoped.

I am sorry to hear your dog is dying ladywolf, you've had a rough go too.

all of it sucks.

Amy

[ladywolf]

I got a doggy spirit message from her last night, which would have been when she was euthanized, that she was alright, that she understood, and to take care of myself because she no longer could. It was a good message...

Amy--

Your poem made me weep. Just plain out WEEP. What a great writer you are, and how much heart and understanding is in that poem......Madeline, you are an angel now, playing with all our other angels--just as you were an angel in life too. Amy did the best she possibly could have for you--please know that. You were old and tired and Amy allowed you to go to a place of deeper rest, with no pain...

Amy, we have a lot in common. I almost died because (partly, anyway) of a (past) hydrocodone addiction. I fell unconscious and lay alone on a bathroom floor for eight days with no food and no water, and was found stuck to the floor, 83 pounds, just minutes away from death. I've often wondered why...?

I have to run off again--sorry this is such a chopped-up day. I'll write more later, but wanted you to know that that is one of the most beautiful soulful poems I have ever read! May you begin to find some peace in this situation...

Big big hugs--Margi and Ladywolf