I Miss My Puck Options

[PucksMom]

Hi... It will be a week ago tomorrow morning that I lost my furry little soulmate. It was completely unexpected and I just can't seem to get a grip.
Puck was my first kitty that I chose. He was born to a feral momma that we took in to spay. I was supposed to rehome him like I did with his brothers and sisters, but when he was the last little kitty left of his litter and I was completely alone- my mom had gone with my big sister on her move across the country, and I took a look at my teeny little monkey cat and knew that he was my baby.
He was very timid. Pretty much scared of everything- even my mom, whose house he lived in for the first 3 years of his life- but he was never scared of me for me.
We would play fetch until he was bright pink and panting and he would still beg for more. Most nights he laid on my chest, his head under my chin, his front legs around my neck, kneading and purring until he fell asleep, and if he wasn't there, he was laying on his back tucked between my arm and my side.
When he was only a few months old, we took in two orphaned kittens. Puck loved them. He would clean them after their bottles, sleep curled up with him, even though he was just a baby himself. They found new homes, but after about a year, one of the babies had to come back from his adoptive home. It was like Puck and Batman had never been apart. They napped curled up together and would groom each other.
I moved to my first apartment a month and a half ago, and he moved with me.
Late last thursday night, he started acting very different... He was very very crabby, very vocal, and was sitting strangely, and running in and out of the littterbox. Right away I knew that he was having urinary tract issues. I wanted to take him to the vet on friday, but couldn't get off work. Saturday morning, I bundled him up and drove the 45 minutes to our vet.
My sister has a kitty who is on medication and prescription diet, and I was expecting to drop a bundle of money on various medications and more on prescription diet. But the vet felt his little belly and told me he was totally blocked...
they ran a quote for me, and I just broke down. It was more than I could afford. If everything went perfectly, it was more than I had in my account to pay because I recently had car repairs, student loan repayments, and if it went like they expected, it was going to be over a thousand dollars, with more bills coming down the . So I had to sit there and put a dollar sign against my best little friend's life.
I stayed with him until the end, petted him and told him how much I loved him. I thought I would have years with him. He wasn't even four years old.
I feel so guilty. I failed him because I didn't have enough money for that vet bill. I look at the things in my apartment and think that if I hadn't gotten all these things, I could have saved him.
I also failed him by missing some of the signs that he was getting sick..... there was fewer pee spots in the litter box, and I had attributed a little bit of lethargy to him being mad about some stray cats sitting outside my apartment window, or maybe he was mad that I had gone back to work after being home on vacation for a week.... Or he did have a paw condition called Plasma Cell Pododermatitis, which made his feet ouchy sometimes...
I was so busy with work coming back from my vacation that I didn't even put them all together.
I miss him so much, and so does Batman. He didn't eat for a couple of days. today he finally started playing again.
My mother wants me to take one of her cats, but Batman and Steve didn't really get along when they were at my mom's. I tried him for a day, but ended up taking him back. Batman was miserable, and it just reminded me that he was with me because I had failed my baby.
I have his collar and his favorite toy in a little box. It is my constant companion.
My sister thinks I should get a new cat to distract me, but I don't think I'm ready. Puck was more than a cat to me. I don't know if I can take in another cat- what if something happens to Batman? I'd have to sit there and say goodbye to another one. But I think that Puck would want me to give somebody else a home. There are so many that need it... I can't afford heroics, and I generally don't believe in them, but I could give somebody else a chance...
As I was driving to work on tuesday, I came around a curve and there was the prettiest, brightest half rainbow I had ever seen. I think maybe that was my little boy letting me know that he's ok. He was just a little guy... no way could he reach to make a whole rainbow...

[PucksMom]

Today I brought home a new friend in Puck's honor. He doesnt have a name yet, but he needed someplace to go. I'm trying my best to listen to my heart and let fate guide me. My cat carrier was still in my car, so he came home. He's scared. He hasn't ever had a home in his first seven months of life (was born to a semi-wild barn cat and was the last remaining cat from that litter, rather similar to Puck). He's grey with white toes and chest and mabye belly though i haven't really gotten him to uncurl from a little ball. so far it has gone well. Batman is wary but isn't growling and puffing himself up like he did with the other cat that my mother sent home the day I lost my baby.
This happened a lot earlier than i thought it ever would, He may not be here forever. I figure that I'll try to find him a better home than what I can provide... If he is meant to be somewhere else, a new fantastic home will find him. If he is meant to be mine, than he will be. If he moves on, then I have room enough and arms enough and heart enough for them too.

This is the day that I decided Puck would be my little stinker as long as he lived:

And nurturing his babies (the teeny black and white one is my Batman):

[madi]

." I figure that I'll try to find him a better home than what I can provide..."

I don't think anyone could give him a better home that you Pucksmom, another good home maybe, but not a better one. Your cats are gorgeous, all of them and Puck was such an adorable little kitten. I love upside down cats, ( cats who sleep upside down ) my Ulriich was an upside down cat and he would always roll over every time I walked past him, miss that so much. Thanks for sharing your lovely photos with us. Take care xx

madi xx