Hi... It will be a week ago tomorrow morning that I lost my furry little soulmate. It was completely unexpected and I just can't seem to get a grip.
Puck was my first kitty that I chose. He was born to a feral momma that we took in to spay. I was supposed to rehome him like I did with his brothers and sisters, but when he was the last little kitty left of his litter and I was completely alone- my mom had gone with my big sister on her move across the country, and I took a look at my teeny little monkey cat and knew that he was my baby.
He was very timid. Pretty much scared of everything- even my mom, whose house he lived in for the first 3 years of his life- but he was never scared of me for me.
We would play fetch until he was bright pink and panting and he would still beg for more. Most nights he laid on my chest, his head under my chin, his front legs around my neck, kneading and purring until he fell asleep, and if he wasn't there, he was laying on his back tucked between my arm and my side.
When he was only a few months old, we took in two orphaned kittens. Puck loved them. He would clean them after their bottles, sleep curled up with him, even though he was just a baby himself. They found new homes, but after about a year, one of the babies had to come back from his adoptive home. It was like Puck and Batman had never been apart. They napped curled up together and would groom each other.
I moved to my first apartment a month and a half ago, and he moved with me.
Late last thursday night, he started acting very different... He was very very crabby, very vocal, and was sitting strangely, and running in and out of the littterbox. Right away I knew that he was having urinary tract issues. I wanted to take him to the vet on friday, but couldn't get off work. Saturday morning, I bundled him up and drove the 45 minutes to our vet.
My sister has a kitty who is on medication and prescription diet, and I was expecting to drop a bundle of money on various medications and more on prescription diet. But the vet felt his little belly and told me he was totally blocked...
they ran a quote for me, and I just broke down. It was more than I could afford. If everything went perfectly, it was more than I had in my account to pay because I recently had car repairs, student loan repayments, and if it went like they expected, it was going to be over a thousand dollars, with more bills coming down the . So I had to sit there and put a dollar sign against my best little friend's life.
I stayed with him until the end, petted him and told him how much I loved him. I thought I would have years with him. He wasn't even four years old.
I feel so guilty. I failed him because I didn't have enough money for that vet bill. I look at the things in my apartment and think that if I hadn't gotten all these things, I could have saved him.
I also failed him by missing some of the signs that he was getting sick..... there was fewer pee spots in the litter box, and I had attributed a little bit of lethargy to him being mad about some stray cats sitting outside my apartment window, or maybe he was mad that I had gone back to work after being home on vacation for a week.... Or he did have a paw condition called Plasma Cell Pododermatitis, which made his feet ouchy sometimes...
I was so busy with work coming back from my vacation that I didn't even put them all together.
I miss him so much, and so does Batman. He didn't eat for a couple of days. today he finally started playing again.
My mother wants me to take one of her cats, but Batman and Steve didn't really get along when they were at my mom's. I tried him for a day, but ended up taking him back. Batman was miserable, and it just reminded me that he was with me because I had failed my baby.
I have his collar and his favorite toy in a little box. It is my constant companion.
My sister thinks I should get a new cat to distract me, but I don't think I'm ready. Puck was more than a cat to me. I don't know if I can take in another cat- what if something happens to Batman? I'd have to sit there and say goodbye to another one. But I think that Puck would want me to give somebody else a home. There are so many that need it... I can't afford heroics, and I generally don't believe in them, but I could give somebody else a chance...
As I was driving to work on tuesday, I came around a curve and there was the prettiest, brightest half rainbow I had ever seen. I think maybe that was my little boy letting me know that he's ok. He was just a little guy... no way could he reach to make a whole rainbow...

Oh Pucksmom, I feel so sad for you and your darling Angel Puck, and your Batman. Your Puck knows how much you love him. Please look after yourself and Batman, thats what Puck would want.

Thinking of you and sending a hug.

Love Jan and my Angels xx

I Miss My Puck--

Your's is one of the most painful letters I have ever read. And the reason is, we think that there are things we could have done if we had MONEY, which we don't!

Vet care is hideously expensive, unreasonably expensive. I went through the same kind of thing with my Ladywolf a year ago--she had a huge, open, bleeding tumor, and I couldn't afford to "fix" it. Fortunately, I finally thought of a wealthy friend who might pay for the surgery, and she did, and Lady survived the year just fine until she got more cancerous tumors, which is where we are now. Also fortunately, the vet is not suggesting any heroic interventions this time which I can't pay for...just pain meds and a huge change in diet.

While Lady had the hideous tumor, which I had to dress twice a day, I ended up in the hospital in an ambulance one morning, sure that I had had a stroke during the night from the stress of it all. It turned out to be "just" panic attacks, but they were severe. I simply could not believe that I couldn't afford to pay for her care...and I used to have a lot of money, so that made it even worse for us...

Poverty is bad enough; guilt about poverty is crippling. You DID THE BEST YOU COULD HAVE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. This whole country is broke now, no one can afford anything. Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your kitty was so sick, he might not have pulled through anyway, not even with $8000 worth of intervention. He was destined to live a short but very very happy life.

Don't push yourself into getting another kitty until YOU are ready. YOU choose the kitty--he or she will be YOUR'S!

I hope that I'm not putting too much of myself into this post--it's just that I identify with you so closely that I can't define the edges very well...

Hugs to you--

Margi and Ladywolf

Hi Pucksmom

My heart goes out to you. I just want you to know that you gave puck more then anything money could ever buy and the was your love. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anna and my angel Max

Click to view attachment

Hi Mommy that was me sending you the rainbow I am your little angel

Love you
Your Angel Puck
xoxoxoxoxo

hi Pucksmom
what a touching story
I had to cry
I am feeling with You
You loved Puck,
we all love Your Puck
do You have a photo ?
I do know how it hurts, to loose a beloved baby
Eva

This story is just too sad, you sound like a lovely lady who took care of your fur baby so lovingly and it's so sad that Puck at such a young age is no longer with you. By the way, I hate your vet.

Anna, that picture is so beautiful, the rainbow, the wings, the glitter, just perfect.

madi xx

Today I brought home a new friend in Puck's honor. He doesnt have a name yet, but he needed someplace to go. I'm trying my best to listen to my heart and let fate guide me. My cat carrier was still in my car, so he came home. He's scared. He hasn't ever had a home in his first seven months of life (was born to a semi-wild barn cat and was the last remaining cat from that litter, rather similar to Puck). He's grey with white toes and chest and mabye belly though i haven't really gotten him to uncurl from a little ball. so far it has gone well. Batman is wary but isn't growling and puffing himself up like he did with the other cat that my mother sent home the day I lost my baby.
This happened a lot earlier than i thought it ever would, He may not be here forever. I figure that I'll try to find him a better home than what I can provide... If he is meant to be somewhere else, a new fantastic home will find him. If he is meant to be mine, than he will be. If he moves on, then I have room enough and arms enough and heart enough for them too.

This is the day that I decided Puck would be my little stinker as long as he lived:

And nurturing his babies (the teeny black and white one is my Batman):

Taken less than two weeks ago, cuddling with his best friend, Batman:



I think this last picture is my favorite- he's the upside down one grinning like a Cheshire Cat. He was kind of like a Dolphin- he always looked like he was smiling.

Hi Pucks Mom
What a beautiful cat Puck was! I lost my westie in early December - today's it's been 40 days and I miss her like crazy. Margi is right - don't beat yourself up - you did the absolute best you could at the time. Our dog was sick the last 7 months of her life and we were fortunate enough to be able to try all kinds of treatment - spending lots of $$$ - and nothing worked -- I've had to come to the realization that nothing I did was going to save my baby. It was her time. Try and take care of yourself and know that you what you did was the right thing at that time. I guess I believe that we all have a set time to live and so do our pets. It's not something I was willing to accept about Sammy until just this week. That doesn't mean that I will ever forget her -- but I believe that she wouldn't want me to be as unhappy as I've been for the past 5 weeks -- so in honor of her, I am really trying hard to be more positive. We'll see how this goes.
Come back here and write whenever you need to, I've learned that there are some wonderfully supportive people on this forum that have been and some still are where we are as well.
Sharon

Hi Pucks Mom

Your angel puck is so pretty he truely looks like an angel. Looks like he loved the warm sun and sharing his bed with Batman.

Thinking of you
Anna and my Angel Max
Cyber Hugs

I just love Your Puck
thank you for the photos
1 cat, or 2, or maybe 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love
Eva

Thank you everyone- it helps to know that there are those who have been in my exact same place. I still feel such guilt, but I'm going to learn. This year is the year of making sure that something like this doesn't happen again. I have an aggressive new saving policy.... Every whole $5 bill I get, it goes in my cookie jar for emergencies. When I get my next paycheck, anything remaining from the last one goes into savings. And when I get my mileage check for work, it also goes into savings.
I can't blame our vet too much... he's always been very good to us. I was a third generation customer, and he always did well by us, never pushing for more than we could give financially, he used to give us pretty big discount because of our loyalty, and a bigger discount on the ferals we caught and needed to do shots/spay/neuter.... helped when we had sick wildlife..
It just changed because the old doc went partly into retirement.... his son took over the practice, took away the discounts, built a brand new addition, hired a bunch more staff...

Hi Pucksmom

Thanks for posting the beautiful photos.

Puck looks adorable as does your Batman, They were so very close by the looks of it, so I think you have done the right thing by bringing the new baby home, especially if Batman has taken to him already. I hope all goes well there for you all.
Thats a good idea about the savings plan. Our pet insurance premiums just spiralled to the ridiculous after our Tasha was diagnosed with Diabetes, and as the girls were getting older, so we did the same thing, made sure we had a savings account for any pet emergencies.
You're vet probably realised how poorly little Puck was, otherwise, especially knowing you as well as he does, he would probably have done something if he could. A friend of ours whose niece is a vet, said , that the most heartbreaking thing is when people try to keep their beloved pets longer than they should. They spend thousands when , yes it might gain a little extra time for them to be here with us, but the suffering and treatments and then inevitably a poor life quality, make it so hard for the poor dear pet and also their owners.
It's so hard for us to accept the fact they have such short lives, but as Sharon said in her posting to you, we all have our time. We are so blessed that we get to share that time with our darling pets and the quality of life is the all important thing.
It's plain to see that your kitties are very well loved and cared for and that you are such a good Mom to them.
Please give Batman and new baby kitty a big hug from me.
Sending love to you and your Angel Puck and your kitties.
Jan and my Angels Tasha and Noushka xx

Pucks Mom...I'm so sorry about your loss of Puck. I too have been in that situation once with a miniature horse...it was awful to know that I couldn't provide. My situation did work out though, I was fortunate. One of my minis had colic very bad and the vet (not my normal vet, mine was out of town) came out and was so blunt and cruel...She said, you need to take him right now to Michigan State Univer (about 2 hrs from us), the cost will be at a minimum $5,000 for colic surgery. I said I can't afford that, can we give it a couple more hours and see what happens. This vet, got very nasty with me and said, if you can't afford something like that you shouldn't have horses, I am going to put him down right now"...I just felt terrible, I of course refused and said let's just give him a couple more hours, he was very young, only 2. She left after administering some pain meds and we decided to load him up in the trailer...I don't know how I was planning on paying for it, but I was taking him. MSU does not take payments...I had Brutus there a couple times and the cost is extremely high, but I figured I'd make a scene if they refused to treat the horse....don't know if it would of done any good, but I was going to try. During loading him up, he finally let loose and went to the bathroom...there hadn't been any turn of the intestines as she said there was. Unloaded him and within the hour he was almost back to normal. I totally understand that feeling of helplessness, not being able to help your baby.

I'm so sorry. I am glad you are giving a chance to a new kitty, that is so wonderful. I wish you the best.

Thanks for sharing photos of your dear Puck,
Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

." I figure that I'll try to find him a better home than what I can provide..."

I don't think anyone could give him a better home that you Pucksmom, another good home maybe, but not a better one. Your cats are gorgeous, all of them and Puck was such an adorable little kitten. I love upside down cats, ( cats who sleep upside down ) my Ulriich was an upside down cat and he would always roll over every time I walked past him, miss that so much. Thanks for sharing your lovely photos with us. Take care xx

madi xx

Gees Sonya, your horse was so lucky, colic is the most dreadful thing to witness isn't it, you feel so helpless too? We've had horses come down with colic without being able to ascertain the cause, all grazing animals on non-hard feed diets or sudden changes in diet. Twisted bowel is another horrendous thing to see as well, similar symptoms, but much much worse. We've lost two horses to twisted bowel and I must say I had no trouble making the decision to have them put down. We couldn't even wait for the vet to come back and do it for us with one of them, we made the decision ourselves. Every minute is a lifetime of agony to an animal suffering like that.
Your vet seemed to be jumping the gun a bit with her diagnosis Sonya, colic doesn't usually require surgery unless the bowel is blocked or twisted, unless she thought it was. Good on you for going to take your horse and make a scene if they refused to treat it anyway, I would have done that too. I'm good at making scenes when I have to. Sure glad your miniature did that well timed "poo" for you xx

madi xx
[/quote]

Sounds like this new kitty has already found a great new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brutus- just noticed where you were from. I grew up in Swartz Creek, not too far from where you are. I now live in Lake Orion, but my Saddlebred gelding is boarded in Grand Blanc......
Colic is the worst... Went through it many many times with my aunt's mare (thankfully my two haven't done it yet...) who only recently passed away. Thankfully she always resolved with tubing and walking. She would stress out, forget to drink, and there ya go, impaction!
We were just talking about MSU yesterday at the barn. They lost their funding, so the cost of sending a critter there now will probably double. I hope nothing big goes wrong with my horse. I know my large animal vet would work out a payment plan but.....
New kitty- might be named Clark... possibly.. I'm not sticking the name on him yet though- has holed up in Puck's favorite hiding spot. Have gotten a better look at him. He's marked with a little crooked white mustache, an adorable bib, and little white boots. Batman has gotten a little hissy with him , but just when the stranger acts too forward (he seems to think that when Batman needs the litterbox, he has to be IN there with him.... . But the Bat is being a good sport and is back to his goofy, playful self and is right now curled up napping in my lap.
Really feeling like Puck is watching over me and guiding me in this. I miss him so much still, but at least I feel a little more at peace.

Bad day today. I want my best little friend back.
My family has already brushed his loss aside, they think that I should have moved on by now... I expected a little more from them, animal lovers that they are. They don't understand my guilt

Today while I was out driving, this sick, panicked feeling hit me when I once again realized that I won't ever see him again in this life...

Hi Pucksmom
I and most everyone else here can relate to those bad days and that panicked feeling that crops up all the time at first. I have to say that today it's been 6 weeks and things are getting a bit better. When I get that panicked feeling - I try not to dwell on Sammy right then. It's not always easy. It's still sad when I come home and the pet beds are gone and there are no little feet pounding after me all through.t the house. I watched an episode of Pet Psychic the other night -- the psychic told this lady who lost her dog that the dog was happy and even though it got accidently run over that it was it's time and that the dog still remembered her and loved her, but wanted her to be happy and wanted her to move on. I guess I feel that if this ladies dog wanted her to be happy and move on - then that's probably what Sammy wants for me and what Puck wants for you too. So I try to think of that now when I feel like I'm going to freak out about her being gone forever. I don't know if Pet Psychic's are real or not -- but right now I choose to believe that they are.
I also can relate to how people think you should be over it in a short time -- that doesn't always happen - and that's why we can consider ourselves lucky that we found this forum -- no one will tell us to get over it here -- we can come and cry and scream and shout whenever we feel the need.
I'm sending you blessings that you can slowly find peace with Puck's passing.
Take care of yourself.
Sharon

Hi Mommy,

I will always love you, and will always be in your heart

Click to view attachment

Your little Puck
xoxoxo

I hope this brings a smile to your face and a little peace in your Heart
Anna
Cyber hugs
xo

So many of us here go through the family thinking we should be over it!!!! No one can tell you how long to grieve!!!!!
We all go at our own pace and we also have bad days.

Come here often.
HUgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My sweetest Puck- I missed you so much today. This morning as i woke up, I bumped the little box that holds your collar and your favorite mousie, and the little bell jingled, and I looked around, expecting to see you jumping onto the bed to pester me about your breakfast. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ever since.
the new kitty is doing well, almost acting like a tame kitty. he loves having his belly tickled the way you used to, and has a squeaky little voice too. Batman doesn't think he's too bad for a stinky old tomcat, though he is a long way from curling up with him in the chair for naps the way he loved to do with you.
I love you so so much little boy.
Love,
Your Momma.

Thank you for the pic Anna. a whole bunch of little flickering hearts is what that picture makes me feel.

Two weeks ago today I lost you. I have so so many things that I regret.... That I didn't look harder for your little red toy mousie. I found it under the ottoman yesterday when I was vacuuming. You loved that little mousie. And I'm sorry that I didn't leave your first christmas tree up longer. You and batman kept me up all night several times ransacking it, and so I took it down pretty quickly. I wish I had left it up for you.
And I'm sorry that towards the end I started calling you Tinkerbell because your new collar was green and shiny and jingled when you moved....
But most of all, I just regret not cherishing out time together more. I thought we would have so many happy years.

Puck- I lost you just over three weeks ago. You keep sending me signs that you're ok, that you're still with me, I still really wish you were here.

Your friend Steve will be joining you soon. He's very sick now, but I know he'll be glad to see you when he gets to the rainbow bridge- he loved sleeping curled up on the crate with you and batman.

Hi Puck- today marked one month with you missing from my life.
Batman is doing well. He likes Clark lots and two nights ago he even let Clark cuddle up and nap with him. Clark is a very very nice kitty, but he definitely doesn't replace you. You would never have tried to sharpen your little toes on the sole of my foot the way Clark did yesterday.
Yesterday poor Steve went to the rainbow bridge. Please show him around up there and take care of him.
Momma loves you baby boy.
*tickles and raspberries but most of all, really big hugs*

Yesterday was three months. Miss you so much, it hurts to breathe.

Hi, Puck'sMom--

I'm so glad to hear from you, but not glad to hear that you are still hurting so much. This grieving process is a long and painful one, isn't it? I wish I knew some magic ways to speed it up, but I don't think there are any. Just be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be over it yet.

It IS good to hear from you!

Hugs from Margi and Ladywolf

Thank you Margi... I've had pets I've lost before, but never has the loss of one stayed with me for so long... they've always lived a good, long life or had some knownlong term that just wasn't fixable, and so the loss was sad, but never so hard to take.
I hate saturdays now, and I tear up every time I drive past the vet's office. I can still see him in my mind, but I don't feel him here with me anymore.
He was my little four legged child, I was more connected to him than to any of my human family, and I grieve his loss as such.