Missing My Friend Options

[kateress]

8 1/2 years ago, I went to my local humane society and came home with a 6 month old Rhodesian Ridgeback/Mix puppy. His name was Apollo, but I changed it to Rex, he seemed to like it better. From the moment I took him home, he was the happiest, cuddliest, liveliest dog I'd ever seen. It was like he was always saying "Thank you for saving me, I love life! I love you!" His little stub of a tail was always wagging, actually he wagged his whole butt! He was always by my side and every night he would curl right up next to me and lay his head on me. He was so comfortable and happy. We had to move back in with my parents not long after that, but Rex sure didn't mind, because my mom fried him an egg to eat every morning. We spent so many beautiful summer nights playing fetch. Almost every day I took him for a walk around the block.

I always knew I was lucky to have Rex in my life. I always knew that no matter what happened, he would be there, ready and willing to comfort me and cheer me up. I always knew I could make him happy even when it felt like the world was against me. It was more like me and Rex against the world. He saw me through all my hard times. No matter how bad I was hurting, I could curl up with him and he would calm my soul.

3 years ago I got married and we moved again. 6 months after I got married I had a baby. I was so busy with working and being a mother and wife and running the house that I didn't have as much time for Rex any more. We hardly ever went on walks, I did sometimes play ball with him but not nearly enough. I know I didn't pet him as much as I used to. But still every night he slept right next to me and we cuddled every time I got a chance to take a nap.

Rex started having trouble walking as soon as this summer was over. It was so bad you could actually hear bones rubbing together. He lost about 15 pounds in 4 months. A couple weeks ago, he tried to go outside and couldn't get over the step and fell and peed on the floor, he had never done that. Then he stopped eating. I took him to the vet thinking it was just arthritis and that could be helped with medication. The vet checked him all out and said there was more going on than arthritis, but she wasn't sure what. After xrays and aspirations, she still didn't know what the problem was. She gave him a cortisone shot and some pills and said if he wasn't better in a couple days to bring him back for more tests. The next day he was getting around a little better but still wouldn't eat. The next night, he started heaving really bad like he was trying to get something out of his throat or lungs. And he was breathing really fast and shallow. The next morning he was still breathing like that and coughing up blood. I took him back to the vet, he was so miserable. The vet said there was nothing more they could do there, Rex was old and his heart was failing.

I decided to have him put to sleep. I didn't want him to suffer any more than necessary. I'm so glad I got to be with him and petting him when he went. I took him home and waited for my husband to come home to help me bury him. I made the mistake of going out to the car and opening the bag to pet him one more time. He was still so warm, that wonderful comforting warmth that had soothed me so many times. It bothered me because it felt like a sign of life. So then I kept going back out to the car and feeling him. He was warm every time. When my husband came home I made him check a million times to make sure he was really dead, but I think that was just me being in denial. I wrote him a letter and we burried him with that and some of his favorite balls. We put bricks over the grave in a mosaic pattern.

That was one week ago exactly. The first few days, I couldn't do anything without crying uncontrollably. Everything reminded me of him, and the reality that he was gone was just too much to handle. The world seemed wicked and cruel. It made me angry and sad that the world could go on as if nothing happened, but my world felt destroyed. I lost 5 pounds in one week. Every time before when I was hurting I could turn to Rex, but now the time when I am hurting the most, he is not there. Christmas was very sad. I am glad I thought to give him his presents the week before, his favorite rawhide bones, and boy did he tear those bones up! I am getting better I suppose. I'm now just depressed about it, but at least I'm not crying constantly. I still miss him like crazy and I know I always will. He can never be replaced. But I am trying to focus on all the great times, when he was so happy. And all the attention I would've given to Rex, I now give to our other dog Brock. Brock was never a cuddly dog, but he suddenly is now. I do appreciate it, it is nice to have a dog to cuddle with, although its not the same as Rex.

I found it really does help to talk with other people who have gone through the same thing and understand how I feel. I am not a Christian, or Muslim, or Jewish, or Buddhist or anything that can really be categorized. I guess I am a deist. I'm kind of having a hard time with that, not having a faith to turn to. All I know is that energy can not be created nor destroyed, and I believe our souls are energy and the soul can not be destroyed. I can only hope that Rex's energy is still here with me.

[madi]

How very sad for you Katress, Rex looked and sounded like a beautiful dog. I know how it feels to have a beautiful fur baby friend who is always there for you and to then lose them. My Ulriich was always there for me too when things went wrong and because he was there, I could cope with anything. I was devastated when he was killed, I lost my best mate, he was only three when he died. I had another cat Zelda as well as Ulriich at the time he died, but she was always very skittish and aloof and difficult to catch while Ulriich was the exact opposite, very cuddly and friendly. I found the same thing happened with Zelda as what happened with your other dog, she became really friendly and affectionate toward us and has even taken on some of Ulriich's traits. We love her to bits and I'm so glad we have her. It really does help to talk to people, I received so much help here and I'm sure you will too. Religion is something people choose to believe or not believe in, but love is innate, it's part of us we're born with it and we all grieve when we lose something we love. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what's out there after we die and forget to enjoy the life they are actually living now. There's only one way to find out for sure and I'm in no hurry. Hugs.

madi xx

[kateress]

Religion is something people choose to believe or not believe in, but love is innate, it's part of us we're born with it and we all grieve when we lose something we love. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what's out there after we die and forget to enjoy the life they are actually living now. There's only one way to find out for sure and I'm in no hurry. Hugs.

madi xx

Madi,

Thank you, I enjoyed reading your reply. I'm so sorry about Ulriich....it is interesting that Zelda did the same thing Brock has been doing since Rex left. Sometimes I forget he's Brock because he acts so Rex-like, it's strange, but I love it. I love that you have a cat named Zelda, what a great name! Yes, this forum is a nice help to me when I'm going through what everyone here understands. I really like what you said at the end of the post (quoted). You are so right about love being something we're all born with, religion or not, and people forgetting to enjoy their life. I'm to the point where I'm in total acceptance that Rex is gone, and I realize that I will probably never stop missing him, but life will go on with my happy memories of him. Thanks again Madi.

Kateress