New Here, Grieving for my beloved cat Options

[Jess]

Hi everyone. I just joined the forum. I'm here because I had to have my beloved cat Sydney put to sleep two weeks ago today. Even as I type that, I can't believe it's true. She was the love of my life and I don't know how I'm going to live without her. I don't know how I've even lived this long without her. I don't feel like any time has passed since she died, like it was yesterday. I feel like I've just been moving through life in a fog. I've never had such a close bond with a pet. We got her when she was only four or five weeks old and she was the sweetest, most wonderful cat. She was with us all the time - curling up on our laps while we watched TV, sitting nearby when we worked on the computer, sleeping in bed with us at night. Her favorite place to sleep was on my husband's chest, and she was always in the bedroom with us when we woke up in the morning.

Now when I wake up every morning and she isn't there, I feel sick. I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this day after day. We have another cat, but she isn't as friendly as Sydney was, and although I love her very much, I'm not nearly as close to her. Sydney got sick very suddenly - our vet thinks she ate something poisonous, but we cannot figure out what it could have been - and after spending a week in the hospital on IV fluids, we took her home for a night, hoping we could nurse her back to health, but we couldn't. Her kidneys were already too far gone, so we made the decision to end her suffering. We were there when she passed, and in a way, it was a relief to know she wasn't suffering anymore. She was very sick her last night with us and just kept trying to drink water, but she had ulcers in her mouth and down her throat, and it was too painful for her.

She was only 7 years old and I am so angry that she was taken from us so early in life. I know I should be grateful for the time we did have, but I just miss her so much, it is eating me up inside. I made an appointment to talk to a therapist about it tomorrow because I'm having trouble dealing with the grief. I can't think about anything else and the longing I feel for her is unbearable. I'm hoping to find some comfort on this forum.

[I miss mouses]

[quote name='Jess' date='May 12 2009, 06:49 PM' post='50357']


Hi Jess,
Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words are so familiar. I lost the love of my life too...I still don't know how I've made it this far. I am still stuck in January. I am seeing a therapist also (husband asked me to go), but this forum has helped me more than anything. My Mouses has been gone for 4 months, and I am finally able to smile and breathe again. I have learned so much from reading everyone's posts (cried through every one). I take comfort in knowing so many people love their pets like I do. If they are getting through this, then so can I, and so can you. The first months are SO painful. I wish I could take that away from you. Those days were the worst days of my life. I stopped eating (lost 20lbs), and crashed at night from grief (I never go to bed early...ever). I hated to wake up every morning. I kept thinking, "how am I going to do this everyday?" I cried so much, my lips cracked, and my cheeks developed a rash from the salt in my tears. I gagged when I cried, because I cried so hard. I went through the "what if's," like crazy. It took me 4 months to stop thinking of the medical stuff. My Mouses is gone. Her death was so unexpected. Death is a part of life, and it really sucks. I've had cats my whole life, it wasn't until Mouses that I learned how well they could hide their illness, and how fast they could go. Wish I hadn't learned that lesson with her (my soul kitty). I finally accept her death. I finally know nothing I say or do is going to change the outcome. She is gone. Those words are still hard to type. I have to live without her. It is hard to feel separate from her. I am just me again, and I hate it. I see her in my clothes, in my sheets, in my furniture. She is a part of me forever, and I can't wait to see her again. That is the thought that pulls me through, I will see her again. We will all see them again.


How are you doing today? Again I am so sorry for your sudden, unexpected loss of Sydney, your baby. You loved (love) her and she loves you. Nothing can take away your memories of her. Soon you will think of her with smiles. I promise.
Take Care. Hope your therapy is helping you. Chris

[Jess]

Hi Jess,
Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words are so familiar. I lost the love of my life too...I still don't know how I've made it this far. I am still stuck in January. I am seeing a therapist also (husband asked me to go), but this forum has helped me more than anything. My Mouses has been gone for 4 months, and I am finally able to smile and breathe again. I have learned so much from reading everyone's posts (cried through every one). I take comfort in knowing so many people love their pets like I do. If they are getting through this, then so can I, and so can you. The first months are SO painful. I wish I could take that away from you. Those days were the worst days of my life. I stopped eating (lost 20lbs), and crashed at night from grief (I never go to bed early...ever). I hated to wake up every morning. I kept thinking, "how am I going to do this everyday?" I cried so much, my lips cracked, and my cheeks developed a rash from the salt in my tears. I gagged when I cried, because I cried so hard. I went through the "what if's," like crazy. It took me 4 months to stop thinking of the medical stuff. My Mouses is gone. Her death was so unexpected. Death is a part of life, and it really sucks. I've had cats my whole life, it wasn't until Mouses that I learned how well they could hide their illness, and how fast they could go. Wish I hadn't learned that lesson with her (my soul kitty). I finally accept her death. I finally know nothing I say or do is going to change the outcome. She is gone. Those words are still hard to type. I have to live without her. It is hard to feel separate from her. I am just me again, and I hate it. I see her in my clothes, in my sheets, in my furniture. She is a part of me forever, and I can't wait to see her again. That is the thought that pulls me through, I will see her again. We will all see them again.


How are you doing today? Again I am so sorry for your sudden, unexpected loss of Sydney, your baby. You loved (love) her and she loves you. Nothing can take away your memories of her. Soon you will think of her with smiles. I promise.
Take Care. Hope your therapy is helping you. Chris

Thanks Chris. I had read one of your posts before I officially registered here and your words sounded familiar to me as well. I can tell by what you write that you feel similarly about Mouses as I do about Sydney, and we grieve in similar ways. I, too, wake up every morning and think to myself, "How am I going to do this for the next 50 years??" (or however long I live). I'm desperately afraid of my memories of Sydney fading. I don't want her to become a part of my past. Somehow, I don't think I will ever think of her that way, but the thought that I might scares me.

I know what you mean about gagging when you cry. A couple weeks ago I was home alone one evening while my husband was at work and I was on the verge of having a panic attack (never had one before). I was so distraught I was collapsed on the floor sobbing and trying to catch my breath and pounding on the floor. Sometimes I feel like I want to jump out of my skin because I just can't stand the feeling of missing her.

It's been one month today since we put Sydney to sleep and while the grief is becoming slightly less raw, it's still there. I still cry at some point nearly every single day. I don't feel like I have accepted her death yet. There is still some irrational part of me that thinks this is only temporary and that one day I will walk in the house and there she will be, perfectly healthy and waiting for me. Was it hard when you finally accepted it? Did it happen suddenly or was it more gradual?

Thanks for writing.
~J