The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you F.s Mom.

It is indeed a journey of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, an easing of the pain to intense agony. A psychologist I was seeing said once not to be afraid of feeling 'normal,' when one day I couldn't understand why I wasn't wracked with pain - and I had been coming to see those odd days, when I really felt them, as me being numb and a moment of distance from the intensity that returns. The psychologist basically said the same and said it was even okay to feel weird about feeling 'like me' in that moment.

Sometimes I find Magion lets me know what it was really like when we were together, peaceful (with always underlying concern over his wellbeing like any parent) but nothing else mattered when we were together, the job I was in which I took a number of months after he was diagnosed with kidney disease, even though I was wanting part time work (really didn't want to work at all but am on my own so had to - I eventually got to work from home a couple of days a week and did go part time), the place I bought, which once again we needed to get out of where we were staying after selling and buying a place that at the time I thought was a mistake but encouraged to buy by friends - friends I might add who eventually turned their backs on both of us. But nothing else mattered as long as we were together. I used to think as we snuggled in together on the couch at night that that was the meaning of everything - relationships with those we love. For I wanted those moments to last forever, to just be together in pure bliss. Unaware of anything other than each other and the love we shared. I loved the way he smelt, the softness of his hair, the sound of his purr, the tickling of his whiskers against my face and at times I'd cover him with kisses from head to the tip of his tail. 'Kisses all over...' And we would just lie back and be. He was my best friend, my confidante, my protector, my companion, and my boy. And what were smiles as I wrote about our cuddles, are now tears again, for I miss him so. He was and is the love of my life. And he does come to visit, I have been most fortunate that he visits like he does, I just haven't felt him lately and the intensity of his visits is like he is right there, his essence is right there and he moves about the place and sits in different places. And I am so happy, like we were when we were together, but a day or so later I crash. And I know I need to remember those times, and hope for another visit. It's just that I had that every day for 17 years and now it is moments. But, yes, it has all been about moments. I have found when I am feeling depressed that I generally don't feel him, but when I make an effort to follow our routine and talk to him (I talk to him lots anyway) that is when he can be around.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Magion has tried to tell me about regrets, very early after he went when I was beating myself up badly over things I did that I believed that I shouldn't and things I believe I should have done and didn't. And as I was going all through this it was like he said to let it go, that it was in the past, and just is. Over the last while I have had this thing where the thought is there is no right or wrong decision, they are just decisions without judement. I don't know.

When you talk about vibrational scales of feelings, it makes sense, but I hope Mage didn't pick up on my anxieties. I have worried about this especially when a myotherapist, who we didn't get to see, said that four-legged ones can pick up on our own feelings etc and internalise them. I felt responsible then for Mage not being well and yet he lived with me being anxious about various things to varying degress all his life. He was the relaxed laid back one in the family. I always went outside, after he was diagnosed with the lymphosarcome in 2004, to talk about him on the phone, or when I felt particularly worried and felt I would cry as I didn't want him exposed to those feelings. However, when his doctor rang with the blood test results in mid July last year and said Mage's numbers were up and that he was 'trying really hard' some of those feelings of worry and the possibility of him going (which I knew it could happen, but no-one knows when) came to the surface when I was with him. And I had not had those thoughts of the possibility of him going even when he was on chemo - I would push it out of my mind and not allow myself to think that way. We just appreciated every day and tried to live every moment. Now it was over 4 years since then and the thoughts crept in. And I became afraid I had put the thought in his mind about leaving and I never wanted him to leave.

I find it interesting, strange though, that revenge could be considered higher on a vibrational scale than anger. If it were purely based on vibration without any sense of higher order I could understand that revenge would have a stronger vibration, however, if there is a higher order, then revenge to me as an expression of emotion is quite primitive and would be lower on the scale. Anyway, that was an aside.

I don't really question my feelings as such I just experience them, which can have me in tears at my desk at work, but that doesn't matter to me. But maybe I do question them when I say I don't really want to adjust to him not being here. But I do want to honour him and I can't do that if I feel so low, but I don't question it, just feel it. Now I'm talking in circles again, but that is how I go. Round and around, don't know where to turn or to whom. I know I have to follow some of our routine to find a way to honour him.

Sometimes when my head goes around and around with all the things I feel I've done wrong and should have done differently, I think the mind tries to mess things up and I am reminded of Jesus in the Christian tradition and the temptations. When his 'mind' tries to make him believe or think things that aren't so. Sometimes I think we are tested in many ways - and I think I have failed many of those tests and it is only hindsight that brings illumination. I don't know. I ramble too. Trying to think things through.

I will go and have a cup of tea.

Hope to talk again soon.

Wendi.