The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Yes, you both were definitely blessed. There's no doubt about that! And you will honour Magion when and how you're able. There's no rush, as he is timeless and isn't going anywhere, no matter how much 'time' has passed. We just can't make big leaps from sorrow beyond words right up to joy. It's all baby steps of finding whatever works for us to help minimize the pain over time. If all you can do right now is just survive on autopilot, then that's all you can do, and that's perfectly okay. Sending you hugs of compassion, and knowing what it is that you speak so well about....

Thank you F.'s Mom. The way you talk about time makes sense. So be it. I have often been described as a 'timeless' person, that is unaware of time as such. I can't seem to be governed by a clock, so why anymore by a calendar as such, which once again really was not how I measured anything. It's just unbelievable that he is not here and yet so painfully obvious at the same time. Moments were how Mage and I lived in many ways. As with my Dad who had dementia and couldn't remember, so moments, lived moments were what was important. I like how you describe Mage as timeless, for he was that in life. My brain feels rattled, unable to think clearly though. It is so hot out, again over 40 degrees and it is supposed to be the hottest period in recorded history. Yesterday it was over 30 degrees inside and I keep worrying how did I keep the place cool enough for Mage? I should have had another air conditioner in the bedroom, why didn't I think of that? And all these worries over him combined with not even wanting to bring it to awareness that I don't need to worry about him - and then I have to tell myself it didn't stay this hot for this long and we had the fan in the bedroom and it cooled down at night and all those things.

It is so good having people around who understand this intensity. To hear your pain and sorrow continue and that you are integrating their lives into your own. They are beautiful ones, your kids.

You said in your other post about doing things in the moment. It's hard though, I didn't even feel I was doing the right thing half the time when he became unwell in those last weeks, I felt like I didn't know what I was doing was right and felt really inadequate. I was at a point of wanting to pay a nurse to stay overnight to help out. I didn't know what I was doing and I wanted the best for him.

Even when he went on Fortekor I didn't know if that was right as I had heard varying reports over its safety. But we did it, and Mage loved his tablet, only refusing to take it in the last while so I had to give it to him.

I would like to hear more of what you were going to write, when you have time. Darn computers! Indeed, I have done the same thing - very frustrating.

Thank you again.

Wendi.