The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Dear Wendi,

I just lost my entire reply to you - ugh! stupid computers! And now I have that much less time to reply so will have to shorten my rewrite somewhat.

Firstly, I'm so awfully sorry about your dear Mage and everything you both went through together, and for your grief and sorrow now. I'm no stranger to it myself, though, and am still "in process" close to 2.5 yrs. after 'losing' my own fur-daughter, Nissa (who had gradually failing kidneys, btw), and before that, her also-just-as-beloved brother, Sabin. (I think I've been a member here since about '05, if I remember right)

Although I'd said more about this on my first failed attempt this morning, I want you to know, in short, that your whole thread here (though I've missed some details as it was a lot to read in my limited time) has ended up helping me, too. For one, it has increased the grati tude I have, yet haven't been able to keep well enough in the forefront, for the differences in our experiences through our babies' illnesses. In short again, I consider your sharings a 'gift of the Magi'. So know that there have been probably more ripple effects of the love you and Mage built than you could imagine. That doesn't stop the pain, of course, but does lend it some larger meaning, which is such a vital part of our process in mourning.

Secondly, even though our experiences were different, you seem to think and feel very much like I do, and have (what caught my attention in the first place), and although some of our questions were different, our numbers and types of questionINGS were similar, so I can relate very highly to that as well. This may have already been said to you and I missed it, but this was a concept that, once it really sunk in (took a long time to), it really helped me out --> we can only do what we can in the moment with what we know (or don't know) in that moment. That is from where we make whatever decisions we make, for better or worse, but it's not our fault if we don't know what we don't know in that moment. We can only know what we know WHEN we know it for the first time.

And I know you've likely learned much through your chats here with Joanne, just as I'd learned much through other people and means, and now you're regretting that you didn't know it ALL in the past, when it really counted....just like so many of us do!....but I'd like you to consider that it still counts, and always will. Every single thing that you learn because of your love for and with Mage will always, always count, and will become another part of his legacy in your life. No matter how long you're still in pain, you will carry that legacy with you, just as you carry him in your heart and soul. And it WILL affect others when you pass it on, however you pass it on. You will help change the world through yours and Mage's legacy of love. This is no small thing.

I also know how virtually impossible it seems to keep living when your baby isn't physically with you anymore. I still feel that way, even if I can now go about my day in some semblance of living. But I still don't relish this "new normal". To me, just a few months seems like no time at all in this grief journey, and my entire first year was spent in a strange dichotomy of both numbness and sheer agony. Even now it only feels like it's been just over a year for me, though it's been over twice that long.....and that by itself feels SHOCKING! It's just so hard, I know. And everything you'd said here before...well, it just brought it all back home to me, too, so we know we carry it all with us, even as we try and transform our grief into something larger and less painful. It does soften in time, but we also don't really 'lose' it entirely. I found it helpful to know that even the greatest sages among humans still had feelings that gave them pain. They just had better handles on how to move through it more effectively and quicker than most of us. And btw, I think "dissolve" is a great descriptor....

And a quick note for Joanne, before I have to run....I'm SO proud of all you've learned through your own many losses, all you've embraced and are now passing on to others, Joanne! Since I wasn't very able to be here for some time (and will likely never catch all up now!), the change I see in you is more obvious and pointed than it might have been otherwise. So I wanted you to know that it's a noticeable and remarkable amount of growth you've accomplished! WAY...TO...GO...!! You and Wendi have had a very compelling conversation going on here (and I'm sure many more with other people that I've also missed catching up on) and it's so good to see how you've supported others, and visa versa I'm sure. Just had to let you know. And for sure, Rassy is probably so proud of his mom, too!