My Baby Girl, Squidge Options

[Emma]

Well, my darling cat, Squidge, passed away on the 28th December, 2008 aged 15. What makes it worse is that she was in perfect health until someone allowed their dog to roam the neighbourhood unsupervised in March, 2008. Squidge was asleep in the garden under the window, and the alsatian came into the garden and went mad at her. I tried to get her through the window, but couldnt reach, so had to run round into the garden to get the dog away from her. The owner turned up at this point totally unfazed and with no apology. Squidge had wet herself with the fright. Also her blood pressure had gone up so high, so fast, her retinas detached and from then on she was completely blind. She was a bit up and down with coping with blindness, but was happy enough, but after the dog attack, she went downhill over the weeks and months, at one point a few months ago, shed gone so downhill, the vet almost put her to sleep, but by some miracle she got through that rough patch. Id always doted on her completely, but after she went blind, my life totally revolved around her and i did everything in my power to make her as happy as i could. At christmas she went downhill again, i thought it was only temporary and went back to syringe feeding her and liquidizing nutritional concoctions id made for her. i really did think she'd pull through again but was planning on taking her to the vets on the 29th December to see what he thought. Anyway, me and Squidge went to bed on the 27th and she was under the covers with her head poking out, cuddled up to me and i had my arm around her and was stroking her til i fell alseep, i woke up at about 2am and was gently stroking her and she was purring in her sleep. i woke up again at 7.30am, stroked her, but got no response and she didnt feel right. my baby girl had died in her sleep. i swear my heart literally broke at that moment. All everyone keeps telling me is that she was just a cat and i should be over it by now or they change the subject whenever i try to talk about her. its like noone really gets that she was not just a cat, she was by baby, best friend and kinda soul mate all rolled into one. we had been together since i was 15 when she walked into my bfs flat when i was on my own there one day, wed hardly been apart since then and since i moved out at 16, this is the first time ive been without her. I just seem to miss her more every day. and i think everyone thinks i am going crazy. i knew this would be hard, but this hurts so much more than anything else than i could possibly imagine. i do have another cat, Mitz, and i do love her to bits, but me and her arent as close as me and Squidge. my heart constantly aches and i feel like part of me is missing and my flat seems to empty and quiet. its horrible cos whenever i was upset, Squidge would come over and give me a cuddle and cheer me up, and now im upset cos i miss her i just dont know what to do x

[LoveThem]

I am so sorry to hear about Squidge. It hasn't been that long ago that you lost her. One thing I thought of reading your story was that when it was her time to go, she was in a place she would want to be...right next to you. It must have been peaceful else she would have awaken you.
You sound as though you are still in a state of shock at all that happened. And seeing that neighbor doesn't help you any ..to try and forget the sad memories.

As far as her dog..I don't know how it is where you are but everywhere I have lived there is a leash law for dogs just so something like that doesn't happen. If my town had someone like that and I had that law...whenever I saw the dog loose I would call Animal Control. I have seen them come out right away and then it cost the owner every time to get the dog back. And, if the dog attacks at all, a lot of cities will say it is dangerous and it is put down. I would call my local County or City Animal Control and ask them about a leash law and also about reporting a dangerous animal. Maybe you don't have to change the law....but instead if it is there...try to use it.

I'm sure Mitz misses Squidge too. She may be looking to you for signals on how to act. I have read they sense our grief. She is without her companion too. This is a good time for you two to do a lot of hugging and being together. My worst time was losing my boy Little Guy after over 16 years and coming home to an empty home. There is something special about having a furbaby to hug when we come home. Mitz is there for you. You can talk to her about Squidge anytime and she would love the attention I think.

When I came home to an empty house I did a lot of crying for days and my husband was getting upset that I was so miserable. He grieved in his own way but to him ...he did not want to think of it all everyday. I couldn't stop thinking about my boy. I also put his pictures in all the rooms so when I walk into one I can still look at him. I kept some of his fur so if I want to touch him, the fur is still soft and it belonged to him. I made him my wallpaper on my computer so I see him everyday when I turn it on and say goodnight when I turn it off, knowing that he will never leave there and will always be waiting for me to see him lying on the top of a couch looking directly into the camera.

I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere either and I certainly would never be around anyone who felt I should get over something before I was ready. But I cried and called for my boy for days, hoping he would magically appear from another room, knowing inside he would not. Then that became depressing too. I cried until I felt exhausted and I felt the crying did not make me feel any better so one day I started asking myself ..what would make ME feel better if I could not have my boy anymore. My answer was to adopt a shelter cat that looks like my boy but who needed a home and someone to purr around and play with and to love. My home is not the same as it was and it will never be the same but it no longer feels completely empty.

It takes time to heal. I always think that grief comes to us so quickly but healing seems to take forever. Whatever makes you feel better to do is the right thing to do. I think it takes time for us deep inside to truly "accept" they are gone physically. But I do believe they are watching over us and are in our hearts where they can never leave....our heart is their forever home.

Take a deep breath...maybe lots of them. Give Mitz some hugs and cry and tell her you know both of you miss Squidge but you have each other...which is so much better than being alone with no furbaby to hold.

15 years is a wonderful time to have had your baby. Of my 3 sibling kitties, I lost my Little Guy's twin brother at age 10, his sister at 15 and him at 16 1/2. No matter how much time it is never long enough and never could be.

But all we can do is be grateful they were a part of our lives. We know we will never forget them and many times in the future, we will have a time of tears again. The pain never truly goes away because it is caused by our missing them and since we do love them and will miss them forever....the pain will not go away 100%. In time, it becomes bearable.

There is nothing wrong with your tributes to Squidge. She is a part of you and always will be..forever. One "Mom" member here said long ago: The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her. I remember that statement many times and it can help ease the pain. It reminds me when I am sad to think of the times all was well and be glad my boy was a part of my life.

Try and think about what you think would make you feel better and do it. When crying becomes exhausting, we can try and force ourselves to look around and see what just might make us feel somewhat better.....even just a little bit. Many times it is baby steps that lead to healing.

In the meantime, come here and talk about your thoughts and feelings. You are talking here with people who know exactly how you feel and they know and will tell you...it is okay to grieve.
There are no time limits.

When you are here, you are never alone.

Peace and healing are what I wish for you.

Judy