The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Joanne and thank you for sharing more of your story of Rassy, Howard, Mew and your other babies. I hope they are coping okay with all the different things that are happening for them. When I read about you Pu$$yWillow I am so reminded of the plant which brings back memories of Mage - as years ago he actually used to like eating the furry grey 'flowers.' I had to move it away from him! So I imagine your baby to have been grey and fluffy.

It is indeed heartwrenching. The tears are but a breath away and I break down at any time when I talk about my boy - I miss him, I miss his personality, his mannerisms, everything about him. And I have kept his hair too. He had a cat spa and I would brush him as he would moochle on the spa and I just kept his hair. Recently though I had cleaned his spa and now feel bad that I did that, because I can never have him back on it again the way it was, as it hadn't been cleaned for awhile. The hair is there from his last few brushes, but not alot, but it does smell of him, so beautiful. I also washed his doona cover on his bed recently and his bed cover in one of his houses so they were clean for him, now his mark on the bed and in the house is not there and I regret doing those things. He had other posies around the house and his smell is on them, but I would have liked to have had that hair outline of him on his single bed still. I try not to smell his things too often as I don't want to taint them with me.

It is so hard coming to terms with everything - the 'whys' the 'hows', the 'what ifs.' I miss him so, as you do your boy Rassy as well as Howard and Mew.

I just want Mage back and still can't believe he is gone. He can't be. It wasn't supposed to be like that, we only went to animal emergency to wait for the specialist centre to open (which was over the road) so we could see the specialist. He wasn't supposed to do that. He wasn't supposed to leave. And although the vet at animal emergency said when the specialist faxed through his history that his red blood cell count was down to 13% and said she didn't think he had long I sort of heard it in my head but my heart was shattering. I had to be there for my boy but I desparately wanted them to do something, they had to do something to save my boy. And as I write this the tears and the deep crying are here again. I just so want him back. The specialist didn't tell me the night before after we left after a day of IV fluid that his count was down to 13%. I have been so angry that he didn't say something then, for what Mage needed was a blood transfusion and time was wasted because I didn't know. I rang the specialist paging service about 5 times that night before we went to animal emergency and he wasn't responding. I rang animal emergency, I rang another specialist to see if he had our specialists phone number, I even rang Paul - who I have been so angry with - at 5:30 am because I knew he got up at 6ish for a jog. He didn't answer either (he left messages after we had left.) Animal emergency said a blood transfusion would give us about 2 days and I thought if that was the case then maybe we should just say enough is enough as Mage had had enough of doctors and being poked and proded. But when the specialist did come over he offered hope and said the blood transfusion would give us 2 weeks and then we would need another donor feline. But as we were trying to arrange the blood Mage started having seizures. The specialist didn't think we could get the blood in time. He assured me Mage wasn't in any pain or suffering. He said he thought his awareness was drawn in to being focussed on only his very, very immediate surroundings - basically aware of my presence but that was probably all. It was heartwrenching. I didn't want him to suffer, to go into the next life with all our 17 years of beautiful memories erased by what he was experiencing then. He didn't need the valium I consented to as his seizures stopped and he became very peaceful. But I have questioned all sorts of things. As well as not insisting on getting the blood, because Mage was incredible and I didn't even say to him to hold on for the blood.

I just want him back.

I feel you understand Joanne, as many do here. Thank you.

Thinking of you as you continue in your grief and look after your current babies.

Wendi.