The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Hi Joanne.

Strangely after posting my response to you last night I ended up having a dream about Mage's doctor (Paul). In the dream it was if he didn't know that Mage had gone (in reality I had rung his mobile that morning - 5:30 am and left a message as I was searching for someone to help as the specialist was not returning my calls and Mage wasn't well, so when Mage went I did ask animal emergency to call him. When I got home there were two messages on my answering machine from him - one responding to my original call and one expressing heartfelt sympathy. I had still been talking to him but hadn't expressed my anger and disappointment. He also sent a card expressing personal thoughts about Mage). However, in the dream it was like he didn't know and he was walking away from me to go and have a game of golf (??) and I called to him and said goodbye. He looked at me and knew from my expression that Magion had gone, he walked passed me and shock his head, saying 'it's too soon, it's too soon.' And I screamed back at him 'talk to me about it!' I then went to the car where Magion was in one of his houses (his Choozy) on the passenger seat - (and as I write this I remember that that is the spot he was in when we went in to animal emergency that morning and in the same house.) Then the other doctor appeared with Paul. That's when the dream ended.

It was a disgusting dream and the feeling behind Paul's words were like he didn't expect that he could go so soon after him telling us how high Mage's numbers were. (I didn't know the actual numbers - didn't want to - one of his Oncologists had convinced me that the numbers themselves don't mean anything, it is how the individual adjusts and adapts to the rising levels that is important and to guage how Mage is from how he is acting and behaving.)

I have questioned all my actions during that time and Paul did say to me once then, that desparate times call for desparate measures and that I would try things then that I would never have tried before. We had always taken a very cautious approach, wary of anything that could cause any interaction with the kidneys. I was just disappointed that Paul hadn't monitored his fluid. I had a friend that said Paul could go overseas on the money we spent there. I don't know. I ended up questioning the fluid in the end and thought I had given him too much - the bag would hang above the bed - it's still there, and each night he had some. He used to moochle the covered needle before I inserted it and would sit there ready and we would have cuddles and purrs as he had his fluid and he would say when he had enough. He was such a good boy.

I did seek out alternative stuff when he was diagnosed in 2005 - he was prescribed Chinese herbs but I didn't give them to him out of fear that they could make it worse and they came with a warning about vomiting and stomach upset. I became really cautious.

I wondered about vaccinations too - I've read the same thing. The vet who worked with alternative practices said not to vaccinate any creature that wasn't fit and healthy. Paul said during 2006 that he could have his vaccination as he was then stable and believed that the advice of the other vet was only in regard to the chemo and him being unwell then. However, me being supercautious (Paul having raised alot of this in me as he said there were so many things he couldn't have because of the kidney disease), Mage didn't ever have another vaccination. I wasn't prepared to take any chances. Yet, my family never vaccinated any of the cats they had and generally they were in poor condition.

You say you have seven babies now, I don't know how you do it. I suppose it's like any family - some people have large ones and then there are those of us who can only 'manage' one or two.
I know when Bakkus went - I met both Mage and Bakks at the same time - I had to be there for Mage as he was missing and looking for Bakks.

When you say

he loved me unconditionally with all my imperfections, and so one day, maybe I can forgive all including myself...Perhaps this is the lesson I have to learn about unconditional love....forgiveness of myself.

my thought was - Magion knew me, the real me. I could be totally myself with him and at times when I was acting silly and dancing around like a nutcase, with him in my arms, or just in front of him, he would just look at me as if to say, 'that's my Mumma.' Sometimes he would smile and enjoy, sometimes he would join in and 'wow' and other times just look a bit quizical. But I have never been able to be truly myself with any other individual like that. My own family of origin would be judgemental, critical, friends the same - if I was game to act that way. I suppose it is that acceptance - nutcase or otherwise - the acceptance of us, as you say, worts and all. And the learning for me, may well be to accept myself as he accepted me and to be myself, my geniune self, as I was with him.

Thank you Joanne for your thoughts and words.

Take care of yourself.

Wendi.