The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you Joanne. I too haven't washed the clothes I wore that day - I don't want to, his smell, his being, the last time we were together, all those things. The world is not the same without him, it's like the song says, 'why does the world go on turning etc, etc.' It is like the end of the world - and the sun shining makes no real sense. It's hard too as it is Spring and the sun is warm and Mage and I loved being in the warm together.

I was reading your thread last night as my boy had CRF - diagnosed February 2005. When he became really unwell mid July this year, I too was extremely angry with his doctor. A man we had known for many years, as he worked for Mage's original doctor in the same practice. Since then he had moved to another practice and when Mage became sick in July 2004, we went to him as he was local and Maurice was away. Paul found a lump and Mage had tests and ultrasounds the next day and was in surgery the day after. It was Lymphosarcoma and he then went on to have 5 months of chemotherapy. After his chemo - which was cut short because he was losing weight - put down to the chemo but found to be kidney problems and because of the very quick on set of the cancer - he had had an xray one month before by his usual doctor Maurice for potential arthritis and a thorough examination and nothing was picked up - I was angry then too - I ended up taking Mage to Paul every two weeks for a check up. I trusted Paul even though at times I felt he wasn't doing enough - but I didn't change doctors. When Mage became sick this year and by cir%%stance I ended up at another surgery where Mage was prescribed subq fluid, Larabolin, multi B vitamins and other things I became really angry with Paul for not offering these things sooner. He knew Mage was losing weight gradually and watched him do so for over 12 months. Every now and then I feel less angry until something stirs it up again. This new place we found - we had been there once before, but I remember thinking that I was glad we were going to this new place - it was a nicer environment and a really caring doctor, however, this doctor went behind my back to get Mage's records from Paul (not that I would have stopped this, but nice to be consulted) and when I queried this action with the nurse I was contacted by the doctor who told me he could no longer meet our needs if I was going to act this way with the staff. Basically he dumped us because I was upset by his actions. I thought an apology would have been more appropriate.
In the end through alot of different events we ended up back at the specialists - one of his original Oncologists and again I was pleased we were back with him as he offered all sorts of things. Yet in the end he too let us down. I have been so angry and guilt ridden over all manner of things not to mention the care I tried to get for him. So I have some appreciation of your angst.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Take care too.

Wendi.

[annf]

Thank you Joanne. I too haven't washed the clothes I wore that day - I don't want to, his smell, his being, the last time we were together, all those things. The world is not the same without him, it's like the song says, 'why does the world go on turning etc, etc.' It is like the end of the world - and the sun shining makes no real sense. It's hard too as it is Spring and the sun is warm and Mage and I loved being in the warm together.

I was reading your thread last night as my boy had CRF - diagnosed February 2005. When he became really unwell mid July this year, I too was extremely angry with his doctor. A man we had known for many years, as he worked for Mage's original doctor in the same practice. Since then he had moved to another practice and when Mage became sick in July 2004, we went to him as he was local and Maurice was away. Paul found a lump and Mage had tests and ultrasounds the next day and was in surgery the day after. It was Lymphosarcoma and he then went on to have 5 months of chemotherapy. After his chemo - which was cut short because he was losing weight - put down to the chemo but found to be kidney problems and because of the very quick on set of the cancer - he had had an xray one month before by his usual doctor Maurice for potential arthritis and a thorough examination and nothing was picked up - I was angry then too - I ended up taking Mage to Paul every two weeks for a check up. I trusted Paul even though at times I felt he wasn't doing enough - but I didn't change doctors. When Mage became sick this year and by cir%%stance I ended up at another surgery where Mage was prescribed subq fluid, Larabolin, multi B vitamins and other things I became really angry with Paul for not offering these things sooner. He knew Mage was losing weight gradually and watched him do so for over 12 months. Every now and then I feel less angry until something stirs it up again. This new place we found - we had been there once before, but I remember thinking that I was glad we were going to this new place - it was a nicer environment and a really caring doctor, however, this doctor went behind my back to get Mage's records from Paul (not that I would have stopped this, but nice to be consulted) and when I queried this action with the nurse I was contacted by the doctor who told me he could no longer meet our needs if I was going to act this way with the staff. Basically he dumped us because I was upset by his actions. I thought an apology would have been more appropriate.
In the end through alot of different events we ended up back at the specialists - one of his original Oncologists and again I was pleased we were back with him as he offered all sorts of things. Yet in the end he too let us down. I have been so angry and guilt ridden over all manner of things not to mention the care I tried to get for him. So I have some appreciation of your angst.

I do believe they choose us and I am so thankful Mage chose me. I remember when I met him (30 August 1991) and saw him sitting up high on the shelf in the enclosure at the RSPCA looking out the window. I said to him, 'I'm going to have to get you down from there.' And I picked him up - I remember holding him in my arms and he looked up at me and purred. I was hooked then. I had wanted a girl, but I was hooked on him. Maurice said to me many years ago that Mage had me wrapped around his little finger, and I'd say, 'I'm happy to be wrapped.' That's what makes it so depressing - I say to him now 'I don't want to be unwrapped.' But he has unwrapped me.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Take care too.

Wendi.

Wendi,
I read your posts about your dear cat Mage, You were so kind to respond to me about my dear Woody who I lost the end of September. Thank you for understanding. Your posts about Mage are really heartfelt. You did so much for your boy, he was so lucky you went through so much to help him through his illness, he was a dear cat, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing I hope it helps you. I want to share about our dear "kitty" who passed on 2 years ago this past May. We had to finally let her go, she had crf and we kept her going for a couple of years. First about age 13 she started with frequent UTI's and then her kidneys showed deteriorating at age 16. We tried different meds, it was so hard to get the pills in her. After a bad episode and some subq fluids we thought it wouldn't be long, but she hung in there ,our Vet showed us how to do the subq at home. (I have needle phobia) That took some getting used to. We had an IV bag hanging from our kitchen curtain rod for 1 and 1/2 years, at first we would put it away but when we got to daily treatments we just left it there. It was a conversation piece for visitors. There are lots of people out there that don't get that we are willing to do so much for our pet children. She was 18 when the time finally came to let her go. I heard her many nights after that, It was always a thump in the night, which was her typical jumping on and off the bed through the night. I hope you will hear your Mage, it is a bittersweet experience. After loosing my Woody and reading the posts on this site I find myself thinking about "kitty" more and more. I developed an allergy to cats, and suffered the last 10 years with her but she was worth it. I miss not having a cat. Thinking of you and sharing in your grief. Take good care
annf