The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words Options

[Magesmumma]

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.

[Magesmumma]

Thank you all for your words of support. Yes, you have all been there and do know the pain. Thank you LuvLabs - my boy was indeed handsome, a number of years ago I submitted photos of him to a TV advertising company for an upcoming catfood add. He was chosen and a woman came round and took more photos of him and said that she would return with a film crew. At that time Mage didn't like a lot of people around him and I said he'd be fine as long as there were only about 3. Five people turned up and wanted him to do things he hadn't done before, needless to say under the gate he went and over next door into the bushes, where he could be seen but not retrieved! When the add aired on TV I knew Mage would not have approved of how they represented felines, so I believed he had integrity! He did receive $200 for being chosen to appear in the add, if he had gone through with it he would have earnt another $200.
Sometimes I look at his photos and it's like I can touch him, feel him - it is amazing and so comforting. I love it when he comes to me in my dreams and we get to cuddle and play.

moon_beam - thank you - you have indeed been through tremendous loss yourself and your other children. It sounds like you all turn to each other for comfort and yet have your individual things to do. I sleep with some of Mage's toys to cuddle, it's nice. And I have a couple of photos by me too.

Are they aware that the grief of a companion animal is the same as, if not worse than, the loss of a human family member or friend? And also, you shared your Magion with your dad, and now that Magion is with him, losing Magion may be resurrecting your grief feelings for your dad.

Regarding your questions, I was actually referred to a Grief and Bereavement association by the Animal Emergency centre when I started going into shock, a bit after Magion's passing. I didn't know this place existed as no-one had mentioned it to me after my Dad went and it existed then. This centre has counsellors available for anyone who has experienced a loss of any individual and my specific counsellor associates personally with my loss as she herself lost her boy - canine - earlier this year. I am fortunate to have her. I have also attended a grief and loss support group and am now going to another programme at the same centre, once again for people who have experienced any loss and my loss of Magion is upheld with that of others. The centre I go to also conducted a Memorial Service a week or so ago and I took a photo of Mage along to be placed on the altar. He was the only feline person there amongst many human persons and I was honoured that he held that place as he did indeed see himself as a person. He was respected by all present as people shared there own stories of loss of human friends and family members and we lit candles in their memory as their names were read out. I lit candles for my Mum, for Dad and for Magion. I am finding people who understand, as I know many do not.

In grieving for Mage, the human person I have wanted to go to is my Dad. He would have understood as he knew Mage well. Dad would have cried with me, held me, looked after me, made me a cuppa. Dad was with me when my other boy, Bakkus, who I met at the same time as Mage and the two of them came home to live with me, when he passed on. Dad and Mage came with me to the vet where Bakks was, and we all stayed together outside under a tree as Bakkus lay on my stomach and chest (as I was lying down), and I stroked and talked to him as he passed over. Dad stayed with me all day, he drove us back to his place as we were staying there for the weekend and we eventually buried Bakkus under a tree in the orchard where he liked to frolick. Dad knelt with me at the grave site and we both cried. Yes, Magion's passing has raised feelings over my Dad. My Dad passed away in 2002 and I was still feeling that gap in my life and depressed when Magion got sick in 2004. I was so afraid for Mage at the time and it was that I needed to be there for Mage that I was drawn out of what I was feeling over Dad still. I do miss my Dad incredibly.

I do believe that it is a transformation and I do feel Mage around at times and that is amazing. And I know I need to hold onto those times. It's all those little things associated with his presence that I miss. And I write to him everyday, tell him my thoughts and feelings and I try to maintain the routine he established for us and go outside in the morning and sit on the terrace and again at night. If I don't do those things it feels strange - too strange. Like now - it's 9:20 am and I should have had my shower and gone outside but instead I came to the computer - now if I did that with Mage here he would be telling me off by now - because it's time to go out!

Thank you Steve for your words and kindness. I have taken along time in the past to be ready to take on board the responsibility again of another being. Usually about 3 years and even though I was ready at around 3 years after Fee Fee disappeared it didn't come about due to cir%%stances for 5 years. I didn't get another after Bakkus passed on as I didn't want another but I did ask Mage's doctor whether he thought Mage needed a companion - I didn't want a feline but I thought maybe a rabbit - thinking Mage might eat the rabbit which wouldn't be good - but his doctor said no, that Mage thought he was a person and that he needed more people around. When Bakkus went I did let Mage see him, Mage was only 2 1/2 at the time, but he didn't understand and it wasn't until we got back to Melbourne that Mage started to look for Bakks and looked at me as if to say "What have you done with him?" Bakkus was the older dominate feline and Mage would follow innocently along. He would belt up Bakks and I remember on one occasion telling Bakkus - "you can hit back you know." And at that very moment Bakkus turned and gave Mage a swat. After Bakkus went I knew I had to be there for Mage and everything changed and Mage just took on the world.

Thank you toonie for your words. They are indeed very trying times.

I did a photography course in February this year and Magion was my model. I've attached one of the photos from one of our sessions.

Thank you everyone for your understanding and support.

Attached image(s)