Elliott Is Gone And I Am Bereft......., I need some words of encouragement...hurting...hurting.. Options

[Mikki]

Hi people,

It is so good to know that there are so many kind animal lovers out there.
Yesterday we had to put our wild-eyed, grey, one-step-from-the-wild "Elliott bin Laden, Terrorist Cat" to sleep due to chronic kidney failure. I am in so much pain that I feel like I don't even want to go on. My husband and I have no children so our cats, dogs and birds are our 'babies'. Elliott was probably the most unique character I've ever had in a pet: clever, mischievious, deeply affectionate, and omnipresent in our home. I can't go anywhere in the house without running into a reminder of him, and behaviors that once annoyed me are now looked back upon wistfully.
I want him back. I don't want him to be dead.
He always wanted to be where the humans were, the center of activity.
When I am in the bathroom I am reminded how many times I caught him splaching in the toilet. In the kitchen I realize I no longer have to put half empty glasses in the sink because if I don't he will knock them over. On the screened-in porch his footprints are everywhere......In the spare room there is still a little 'nest' in my pile of dirtly clothes that I need to wash; his last resting place. I am utterly, woefully, inconsolable. This was unexpected, he wes only 10! We always thought that he would live a long, long time because he was so energetic and large and lean and healthy. I ache, I ache, I ache. I can't get away from it. This is too painful, much too painful.
I struggle to believe in god, I always have and yet, if I don't think that his spirit lives on somewhere in the universe then I'll go nuts. I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart right now that I can't plug. I miss him terribly and the worst part is, I know it will go on for a long time, that the only way it will heal is through time and that is something that I can hardly stand.

so, I would welcome any words of encouragement or support, any words of wisdom, any advice you have for getting through this. I didn't want to go to bed last night because that was our special time. Every night he would race me upstairs to bed and then curl up under my arm......although, interestingly enough, last night Otis (our other cat) came in and curled up under my arm! He didn't stay very long, but it was almost like he knew I needed him. 2 years ago we had to put another cat to sleep (cancer), my beloved and favorite pet, Jet-boy: the Most Exquistie, Cute and Perfect Cat. That nearly killed me. He was 16 years old. I was just beginning to be able to think about him without becoming totally depressed and now Elliott is gone. It wasn't supposed to happen so soon....I'm not ready. I still need him. He didn't have a long enough life.

I'm so very, very sad.....
Thank you for listening,
Mikki

[Mikki]

Hi dear animal lovers,

Well, it's been two weeks since we had to put Elliott to sweet, sweet sleep. I actually went several days where I felt 'okay', where I wasn't crying or suffocating under that heart-crushing grief. Today, I am working from home and it's being at home that is so rough.....at work I don't expect him to come up with his insistent meow to demand attention. At work I don't expect to find him on the kitchen coutertops (oh how that used to annoy me!), at work I will not find his beloved grey cat hair all over the place. or step into a pile of fresh cat puke... so of course, I don't miss him as much there--but being at home is another story.

I finally broke down and cleaned 'Elliott's' room--my spare bedroom with the white bedspread and cushy white lace pillows and white throw rugs. It was meant to be this pristine haven for guests but it almost never looked that way because Elliott laid claim to it--he loved to burrow into all those pillows and I used to call John to come look at him because he looked so cute tucked in among the pillows peeking out at us. The bed always had this grey hair-mess on the pillows, I got tired of cleaning them all the time so I laid a sheet over them---he would always find a way to paw and push his way to those pillows and bury himself there....and then of course there is the barf stain on the white chair that will always be there. That's okay with me now. That's just okay....and it's odd now, that when I go into the kitchen to make a sandwich that I dont' have to scrub the counter before I put my bread on it (because Otis, our remaining cat, has no interest in countertops). and I don't have to keep the bathroom door shut so that he won't go play in the toilet. So, you see how easy it is to be reminded? Elliott is omnipresent in our home and I don't want to erase him. I just want him to be here. That's all. I jsut want him to be here because he belongs here with us. We used to joke that it was a good thing that someone else had not adopted him, he would surely have been returned! He certainly was a problematic cat, but we loved him not in spite of it, but because of it. 'sigh'......My white bedroom won't have to be cleaned as often, I won't have to wash the bedding every couple of weeks, or clean up his hair balls or worry about stepping on my earrings (he loved to bat those around, too). But I would so much rather have the inconvenience, I would so much rather have his annoying, loving presence.....I don't know what to 'do' to get past it, I can't even conceive of getting another animal, and yet that has always been my way of coping: an animal passing on opens up a space for another unwanted, neglected animal to move into our home. I am just not there, yet....

Thanks for letting me vent......
Mikki