Coping With The Ashes Options

[KayMarie]

I made my first post a few weeks ago when I lost my dog of 16 years (AKA, my whole life). Zizi died while I was away and I worked myself into a rut over it, at first. I've been steadily improving, keeping busy, but still coming to the message board, if not replying, just reading.

But since my dog's ashes came back, I've had a really bad time. I don't know if anyone else has had this problem, but my mother didn't want me to come home and see the little urn just sitting on the kitchen counter, so she put them in her closet and told me that whenever I was ready, I could take them out and she would put the ashes in the urn we had made for him.

Only I haven't been able to do it. I cleaned a spot in my room for him, next to my dresser, where he slept when he wasn't sleeping on my bed. I ordered a little keepsake chest to keep his things in like his AKC certificates, pictures, and tags. I have everything ready... but I can't take the ashes out of the closet.

I'll go in, look at the little box, then start crying. I get so upset, I can't even move. I'll sit with it there in my hands, but I can never bring myself to walk out of the closet holding that little thing and I keep thinking "He can't fit in this." I realize that's a little crazy, but I can't seem to stop myself. It distresses me so much.

My mom keeps telling me to take my time, but I feel bad about leaving him in there. It feels like I'm ignoring what's there, even though I still think about him every day.

[Saki & Freyj...]

Kay Marie,

You're mother is right: just take your time. I think it was a month and maybe more before we put Saki's ashes in her urn. We emptied the baggie -- which upset my husband terribly. When Electra passed a few months later, we just worked the baggie into the urn without opening it. I think that was better. Now they sit in the kitchen on a very high shelf watching everything...

When my sister in law's St Bernard passed several years ago, she had her cremated. The ashes still sit in a closet in a really big box marked "Sophie" (the dog's name). I don't think Sophie will ever be moved from the closet. My sister in law has joked that her cleaning lady must think she is a nut.

It is possible that the ashes will not fit. If and when you do decide to move ZiZi, you might be prepared for that. That has happened to some people... I think the general solution has been to keep what will fit and to scatter the rest.

But do just take your time and don't feel guilty. If you need time to sit in the closet and cry -- that is OK!!!!!!! You always did right by ZiZi in life, and you will do that now, too.

Love,
Jennifer