Lost... Options

[justme]

Hey guys,
I lost my best friend, Raggs, a rescue pup that was found abandoned and neglected in the streets. His coat was matted and mangled. Hence the name.
I was first introduced to Raggs at the age of 7 when my Dad brought him home. He was approx. 8 weeks old. I'm now 22, Raggs passed last Sunday. I had the pleasure of his friendship for 15 years.

We quickly became friends, then best friends and soon enough we were inseparable. He was part of the family..We both grew up together. Now he's gone and i'm completely lost.

During my late teens i battled against an eating disorder. I was very sick. And he knew that, he knew that i was sick.
Resting his head on my chest a little more gently than usual, his big green eyes would stare into mine and they would beg me to get better, his eyes told me i needed to fight it and get better.
He pulled me through that dreadful time. After all, we were a team. A unit.

We bounced off each other, protecting one other when either of us fell.

Over the years his eye sight began to dim and his hearing wasn't too good...He was getting old...
Something of which was easily over shadowed by liveliness and playfulness.

Through out Last Friday he was puking violently, drinking lots, not eating and seemed...'sluggish'.
I comfortred him through the night into the early hours.
After an hours sleep, i woke up to find that he had perked up alot. Throughout Saturday he wasn't puking, he was eating and he seemed a lot happier. I went to bed that night relieved that my best friend was ok, foolishly putting it down to something he may of eaten.
The following morning i woke to find him in much worse condition than on the Firday. He was puking again, drinking lots and could barely walk. When he could stand and walk (with assistance), He couldnt balance and couldnt walk straight.
My Dad called the Veterinarian hospital in the neighbouring town while i comforted him, and told him what he told me 2 years previously...'Get beter'...'Please get better'...'It'll be alright'.
Soon enough my Dad had scooped him up off of the carpet in a wrap around, we were in the car and heading to the hospital.

My best friend has always had a...'rebellious' streak towards being examined or when getting his shots. This time was different, their was no fight...No need to calm him.
After an examination, the Vet said that his kidneys had completley shut down and that the kindest thing we could do for him was put him to sleep.
'No! No he's fine! He was fine yesterday!', i kept thinking. It hadn't hit me what was going on or what was about to happen.
My best friend of 15 years wasn't about to leave me...He couldnt.

The Vet asked us to leave the room while she did her thing.
That wasn't going to happen.
She shaved a small piece of fur off of his leg...Normally he would try his best to avoid that happening, but still..Nothing.
The rest...I just cant write...

I'm completley lost. The earliest memory of life i have is when i was 7, the day i met my best friend.
I can honestly say that i've never known life without him.
The bottom of my world fell through last Sunday. My heart feels so heavy and yet a chunk of it is missing.
Part of me still cant get my head round it...

I will never feel the same way he made me feel ever again. Only he had the power to do that. Words cant describe those feelings...And their gone.
Half of me has gone.

Since Sunday i just havn't been able to function...I cant stop crying, i cant stop panicking, i just...I cant cope much longer.

Even if just one person reply's to this...Please just say anything...Anything to let me know that someone is their..

[justme]

LoveThem,
Yeah the people on this forum are just...Angels...Everyone of you guys.
And yes, Jon730's post was...somewhat different..But in a good way. The end of his post made me smirk. I thank him for that.

You said: 'There is no time limit on grieving. One "size" does NOT fit all.'
I say: Since comming to this forum and reading peoples stories, i have realised that completley. I accept that now and in a way..feel comfortable knowing that.
Like i said, i do now grieve by myself, or here with you guys in this exact spot i find myself every night into the early hours.
I noticed for the first time while out walking today, just how many beloved pets their are in my neighbourhood. I never noticed it before but...it seemed like everywhere i turned their seemed to be some kind of loving friendship between a dog or cat and their owners...I just couldnt believe how i never noticed it before...
Probably because i had my own special friend and that was all that mattered.

You said: 'I love your story about the barking dog...but you know, it doesn't surprise me..because these sweethearts DO JUST KNOW when we are hurting inside..even when they are not our sweethearts'
I say: I know my Raggs always knew when i was hurting inside so yeah...In the back of my mind i kinda' knew it would apply to other special guys. I mean heck', i feel like its pulsating out of me at the moment. I guess that part of me found comfort in thinking that it was something..'higher'.

You said: 'But so many of these things come on so fast, we just do the best we can with the time given us to act.'
I agree, a lot of conditions do come on so fast..But since last Sunday, when my Raggs passed, I have looked into Kidney failure/disease...For my own sake i just needed to know the how's and why's of that condition that took him. I know that i am torturing myself here and that their is nothing i can do now but...I needed/wanted to know if their was anything i could of done, any tell-tale signs in the months or years leading up to last Sunday.

Yes Raggs was unusually calm at the vets...Which made me feel somewhat frustrated, in a way, angry, and the feeling i'll never forget...Sick to the bowls of my core.
Like a sledge hammer it hit me that their was something not right.
My indestructible best friend was sick.
If my Raggs suffered through pain that unforgetable Sunday morning, he didnt show it...*ugh' tears again*...not a cry nor yelp. If he was in pain...He didnt need to put on a brave face for me, that was my job, a brave face for him...Even though he could see through it everytime.