Lost... Options

[justme]

Hey guys,
I lost my best friend, Raggs, a rescue pup that was found abandoned and neglected in the streets. His coat was matted and mangled. Hence the name.
I was first introduced to Raggs at the age of 7 when my Dad brought him home. He was approx. 8 weeks old. I'm now 22, Raggs passed last Sunday. I had the pleasure of his friendship for 15 years.

We quickly became friends, then best friends and soon enough we were inseparable. He was part of the family..We both grew up together. Now he's gone and i'm completely lost.

During my late teens i battled against an eating disorder. I was very sick. And he knew that, he knew that i was sick.
Resting his head on my chest a little more gently than usual, his big green eyes would stare into mine and they would beg me to get better, his eyes told me i needed to fight it and get better.
He pulled me through that dreadful time. After all, we were a team. A unit.

We bounced off each other, protecting one other when either of us fell.

Over the years his eye sight began to dim and his hearing wasn't too good...He was getting old...
Something of which was easily over shadowed by liveliness and playfulness.

Through out Last Friday he was puking violently, drinking lots, not eating and seemed...'sluggish'.
I comfortred him through the night into the early hours.
After an hours sleep, i woke up to find that he had perked up alot. Throughout Saturday he wasn't puking, he was eating and he seemed a lot happier. I went to bed that night relieved that my best friend was ok, foolishly putting it down to something he may of eaten.
The following morning i woke to find him in much worse condition than on the Firday. He was puking again, drinking lots and could barely walk. When he could stand and walk (with assistance), He couldnt balance and couldnt walk straight.
My Dad called the Veterinarian hospital in the neighbouring town while i comforted him, and told him what he told me 2 years previously...'Get beter'...'Please get better'...'It'll be alright'.
Soon enough my Dad had scooped him up off of the carpet in a wrap around, we were in the car and heading to the hospital.

My best friend has always had a...'rebellious' streak towards being examined or when getting his shots. This time was different, their was no fight...No need to calm him.
After an examination, the Vet said that his kidneys had completley shut down and that the kindest thing we could do for him was put him to sleep.
'No! No he's fine! He was fine yesterday!', i kept thinking. It hadn't hit me what was going on or what was about to happen.
My best friend of 15 years wasn't about to leave me...He couldnt.

The Vet asked us to leave the room while she did her thing.
That wasn't going to happen.
She shaved a small piece of fur off of his leg...Normally he would try his best to avoid that happening, but still..Nothing.
The rest...I just cant write...

I'm completley lost. The earliest memory of life i have is when i was 7, the day i met my best friend.
I can honestly say that i've never known life without him.
The bottom of my world fell through last Sunday. My heart feels so heavy and yet a chunk of it is missing.
Part of me still cant get my head round it...

I will never feel the same way he made me feel ever again. Only he had the power to do that. Words cant describe those feelings...And their gone.
Half of me has gone.

Since Sunday i just havn't been able to function...I cant stop crying, i cant stop panicking, i just...I cant cope much longer.

Even if just one person reply's to this...Please just say anything...Anything to let me know that someone is their..

[LoveThem]

Believe it or not, everything you are saying and feeling is NORMAL.

As far as pain and grieving...you are definitely not alone in that. We all come here looking for relief from the pain that overwhelms us when we have lost our best friend. What helps is realizing we are not suffering alone. Even though we feel this disaster just happened to us, we quickly realize by looking around this forum and reading the different stories..that...this disaster has happened to all here.

Knowing others know exactly how you feel because they are there, have been there, and some are going there again soon....it helps to realize that.

One here said after a loss: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

We know that to be true. We get through the pain by remembering the years of joy. I lost my last one in September after 16 1/2 years. I had 16 years and 4 months of a healthy, happy boy..and 2 months of worry and then loss. I would never trade having him all those good years..to avoid the pain that will come when the loss arrives.

Why we lose them, we will never know. The closest I come to understanding in a nice way is to think that we lose them so many of us will open our hearts and homes to the thousands who are waiting for a home, waiting to be needed, waiting to be loved...and if I did not lose my friend...they would still be waiting. But each time, in my lifetime, whether it is a dog or a cat, when they left me...I miss the hugging of them, I miss looking into those eyes of a beautiful soul who cannot speak with words but whose eyes follow us everywhere. True, when we are sick, they never leave our side...that's all a part of the unconditional love they give us.

What you went through is a horrible memory and when it appears in your mind...you have to push it away and remember a good memory of Raggs that will make you smile. I am glad you had him for the years you did and if I could work miracles..none of us would ever lose any of our best friends..but that's not life.

Life is unfair. Life is cruel. But then we should remember that Life also gave us our best friends for all the time they were allowed to be with us. We cry until we are exhausted...then we cry again..and again...until we are too exhausted to cry. Everything seems so empty all around us. and that is because it is empty now.

We take baby steps toward healing because it becomes physically exhausting to grieve constantly. At first, it all happens so spontaneously...but then after a while...we realize grieving does not make us feel better because we realize grieving will not bring back our loss.

I surround myself with pictures of my precious ones so every room I go into...I can look into their eyes and remember the bond we will always have. But after a time, I needed the physical touch and so I adopted one from the local SPCA and for me, this provides the distraction I need, this helps fill the emptiness, and so I am bonding with another soul who needed a home and needed to be loved. One who will never be starved or abused or neglected in any way because he now has a home. He is not a replacement because that is impossible but his affection helps me in many ways.

You might want to read the story in this Section posted by Havana...it is about a man and his best friend..Jorge and Buster...I think you will read many of your feelings in what he is going through since he lost his best friend a few short weeks ago..so you can see what I mean about people here understanding exactly what you are going through and that you are not going through all that pain alone.

We try to feel better by talking about our special ones, posting pictures if we have them, telling stories that make us smile because they are of the good happy healthy memories we shared with them. Some here write in their topic a special letter to their friend, saying everything they can think of they would like to say..if only they could say it in person again. We share the pain everyday by listening to one another and many times typing through tears as we read about someone's pain and relive it inside ourselves.

Yes, to answer your question...there is someone here....there are many here who care and are listening.

All we can give here is a cyberhug....but it is always given sincerely because what we share here comes from the heart.

So here is one for you today and everyday

It is okay to post your thoughts and your feelings....it is in the responses that we are able to "touch" one another and, if we are lucky, someone feels better from reading something we said.